What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

[Crackerjackerknacker]

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

[Misty9]

For those suggesting respite via services, it's a bad situation getting worse wrt funding. I have a friend whose dc is severely learning disabled and has ASD, in a special school, regularly trashes house and a danger to siblings. They had to fight tooth and nail for YEARS to get any support and can now buy in respite a couple.of times a year. What a pp said is sadly true - until the shit hits the fan, and sometimes not even then, support is rarely forthcoming.

Op I've been more or less where you are. Completely at the end of your tether and questioning whether a shit mum is better than no mum. It does get better (then worse then better...) But you need to have respite for your own sanity. Can you go away for a couple of nights?

[YogaWannabe]

OP
Truly bad parents don’t acknowledge their actions, much less look for the best way forward for your children.
My mother was a lot of very negative things-alcoholic, name calling, cruel, selfish but the thing she did that has had the most negative impact on me throughout my life was to move out. I felt so abandoned and couldn’t understand why she didn’t love me enough to try harder, to get more help etc.

I get it and I have to check myself too, always running from the ghosts of past etc. But you can break this cycle, the fact you’re posting speaks volumes! Figure out your triggers, make hard rules (mine has always been never put my hands on DD, never name call) which I know should be obvious but when you grow up with that being your normal, sometimes you do need to set “rules”. I gave up alcohol because I didn’t want to risk ending up like her.

Also never be secretive.
Post here, talk to friends, apologize to your children and explain that x, y and z behavior is not acceptable and urge them to tell family or teachers etc if your actions are harming them.

Take time out, depending on the age of your DC, there’s no harm in taking to your room for a while to recoup.

[LagunaBubbles]

sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you

The children and thier bad behaviour are causing these issues. If the children weren’t there, they wouldn’t be using rocks to scratch the OPs computer etc, to which the OP, naturally loses her shit

What pile of disgusting victim blaming shit have I just read? Seriously zippey that's vile, you are justifying child abuse!

Some of the other posts on here are laughable to and would never be posted if OP was a man. A Mum hitting her children will do the same psychological damage as a Dad. If it was a man poster people would be lining up telling him to leave!

[IDoN0tCare]

I think you should report your thread to MNHQ and ask for it to be moved to the SN boards, OP. People who don’t have to parent children with SN and behavioural issues linked to their SN have no idea how tough it is.

[differentnameforthis]

In latter stages of which I often end up screaming at him as I crack (his 'meltdowns' can go on for a few hours). This is concerning. Your focus should be helping him to navigate his way through the meltdown (why do you keep putting meltdown in commas?) keep him safe and make sure he knows you are there for him.

Meltdowns can be physically punishing for kids on the spectrum, and more often than not my dd always sleeps after hers.

You shouldn't be shouting. You are supposed to be his safe place, and shouting at him will break any trust he has in you. If you are struggling with his behaviour, he is struggling too.

Telling him that you are thinking of leaving (even for a little while) will also not help at all!

How are you helping him deal with his meltdowns?

[BrizzleMint]

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you.

The problem is the OP's response. She needs to get help, social services are getting involved so hopefully things will improve for these children soon and the OP will get the help that she needs to improve their lives.

[Springwalk]

I wouldn’t move out for the moment, but I would ensure that the children had someone with them at all times when you are looking after them. Sole care should be out of the question until the hitting stops.
Sit down and plan who can be with you each day, or the children stay with childminder/family/dh/school.

I would remove sole care first.
Spend time with your children with help, and I am assuming you are already doing a anger management course?

[FuerzaAreaUruguay]

Post on the SN board. My son has PDA. He's started showing signs of puberty at only age 11 and it is a nightmare! He becomes extremely violent during meltdowns. I have a friend whose teen with PDA has put her (the mother) in hospital several times. There is actually very little help out there for SN families/parents.

No one will get it unless they have been there/are there, hence suggestions of changing hours and cleaners and 'get help' or 'safe place'.

You literally cannot leave a child with PDA alone with a sibling at all, it's a real risk.

[WorraLiberty]

Seriously zippey that's vile, you are justifying child abuse!

Yes, that's certainly how zippey's posts come across.

[FuerzaAreaUruguay]

different, there are many people who have had no help at all on parenting a child with SN. NONE. So will not know how to handle meltdowns. And then, they are very different when your child is a foot taller and 3st heavier than you.

[aquashiv]

I thought the same have you ever been assessed yourself? ITS not an excuse but it might help all of you to know.

[BettyDuMonde]

I totally agree that respite care and formal support are nigh on impossible to get, but with some good advice and the little bits of professional input that your health authority/LEA it is possible to cobble something workable together.

Respite can be as little as a half hour walk on your own to clear your head - doesn’t sound like much but better than nothing at all, especially if you can plan it in and know you have it to look forward to.

With two parents in the home you can schedule something in far easier than a lone parent can (it’s time together as a couple that seems near impossible to get. Swings and roundabouts).

I could never get SS involved because my child wasn’t at risk - they did once lend me a family aide worker for a fortnight though. She was amazing. Like an organised, take no shit mother figure. Sorted out DS DLA claim like a boss!

[continuallychargingmyphone]

Why are people saying that a good parent wouldn’t be reflective?

She hits, she screams and ‘loses it.’

That is not a good parent.

[27dresses]

I think you need mental health support. You leaving would have much more damaging effects on your DC.

[27dresses]

OP has not assaulted her children. Can't believe the responses.

[YogaWannabe]

continually she’s looking for help and wants to change. She deserves support as much as anyone else with MH issues.

The cries of “move out” “you are an abuser” wont go anywhere towards helping her or her children.

[WorraLiberty]

OP has not assaulted her children. Can't believe the responses.

In the last 2 months alone the OP has said she's got 'physical' with him and in her opening post, she mentions 'occasionally hitting' her DC.

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

Depends on what 'hit' actually means in this context as to whether it would be classed as abuse.

[YogaWannabe]

You leaving would have much more damaging effects on your DC.

100%
Sometimes the hysteria here is jaw dropping! She hasn’t been beating her kids up ffs, in real life I know plenty of parents who have given the odd smack (and no I’m absolutely not condoning it)

Someone once commented that she smacked her DH and she was devastated, someone commented “call 999 and report yourself for assault”
For goodness sake

[differentnameforthis]

@FuerzaAreaUruguay Believe me, I know. I have to cope with an autistic dh who gets triggered and goes into his own meltdown when dd is struggling, so I have no help at all either during the event. I have to help them both navigate out of it more often than not. Some times it's as easy as sending dh into a different room, but he won't always go and so I push on in the best way possible.

He reads everything I read, he knows all my strategies, he promises to help, but in the moment, when she triggers him, it all goes out the window!

Now we are left with her not trusting him, and so he couldn't help even if he wanted to, because she won't allow it.

All I know about handling my dd at meltdown stage is from trying different methods to see what works, and reading up on strategies. Shouting at my dd upsets her greatly and doesn't work. My dh will shout at her, and it intensifies the meltdown.

If I am not home, she masks until I am. So yes, I do understand.

[LagunaBubbles]

OP has not assaulted her children. Can't believe the responses

Are you reading the same thread as me? OP has admitted hitting her children. Do you think that's not an assault?

[LagunaBubbles]

Depends on what 'hit' actually means in this context as to whether it would be classed as abuse

Unbelievable. So it OK just to hit your child lightly for example? Physically hitting a child is never OK and can never be justified although I'm wondering what you will come up with now in an attempt to do so.

[meorhim20]

I could never get SS involved because my child wasn’t at risk

disability social workers are not there for children at risk though. They are there to put support in place for families who are under a lot of pressure because of bringing up a disabled child. in theory at least (in practice, no one gives a shit)

[LagunaBubbles]

And zippey is justifying child abuse because they are saying its the child's own fault they are being hit physically and in fact are driving the OP to do do by their behaviour, even the OP is not saying that! That's like saying it's a woman's own fault her partner hits her and she drives him to it.

[WorraLiberty]

This thread is sickening

The OP has stated she 'regularly loses it', shouts, screams and occasionally hits her kids and some people are saying that's not abusive?

WTF?