What is best for DC, their Mum moving out or staying when a shit Mum?

[Crackerjackerknacker]

Interested if anybody out there knows about children's phychology, mental health. If your mum is loving and things good most of time but she regularlly loses it (shouting, screaming occasionally hitting), is it better for her to move out (but you still see her). I'm thinking of doing this, DC (age 8 & 12) and DH don't want me to. I think it might be best as I'm an awful mum at times (am already on anti depressants, getting outside support, been on parenting course etc) still awful sometimes. Older DC has Apspergers. Their dad is a good one.

[LagunaBubbles]

dont think arguing over what minimising means helps op

Neither does saying its the children's faults they are being hit.

No-one has been "hysterical". People are responding to the posters who in attempt to be supportive to the OP are actually not being helpful regarding her hitting her children. That's the first and foremost thing to address. Regardless of reasons and help OP is or isn't getting at the moment there are children at risk from physical violence.

[Crackerjackerknacker]

I posted on here for traffic/speed of response as am considering booking into a bnb tonight for next few nights to start (a very cheap one - basic and bed only before someone accuses me of 'going on holiday' deserting my family). I'm ignoring the minimiser posts - I know that although I'm mostly a loving mum trying my best in difficult circumstances, not a serial child abuser, I have definitely crossed a line recently and despite what anybody else says I KNOW already it is wrong so no need for posters to keep repeating that. I don't want my children experiencing that. No matter what they do, I already know that me getting angry is indefensible. Please stop posting things I've already acknowledged! In terms of DS meltdowns, they tend to occur when we need him to do something. Usually v trivial. Classic is getting dressed and ready as whole family NEED to leave house. I 'lose it' when 1-2 hours later (after DH and me telling him, helping him, chivving him etc 30 - 40 times, he is still in pjs and the whole family ends up missing whatever we were going to do or being horrendously late. Yes we do already do 'textbook' things like rewards, incentives, consequences, lots of advance warning etc. Often they work but when he is in one of 'those' moods they don't and inevitably things escalate and I end up shouting, screaming and (rarely) hitting. I just describe this last bit for context. I KNOW it doesn't excuse my reaction to it.

[WorraLiberty]

OP, honestly it's not you doing the minimising here.

You say you have SS coming this week, can you explain everything to them and see what help they can get for you?

A B&B sounds like a great idea for a couple of nights, but obviously it's a very short term solution.

[blueskiesovertheforest]

Have you already read up on PDA strategies?

www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies

[DioneTheDiabolist]

am considering booking into a bnb tonight for next few nights to start

I think that's a good idea OP.

[LagunaBubbles]

OP I know it's not you that's minimising the situation, it's a few other posters in a misguided attempt to help you.

[Dinosauratemydaffodils]

I would leave but that's influenced by a couple of things.

1. I was diagnosed with attachment issues after the arrival of dc1 due to my childhood. Both my parents burnt hot and cold at the drop of a hat, screaming, yelling and threats were a regular part of my life growing up as were threats to leave, including doing so for short periods which really screwed me up and left me loathing myself because I couldn't even be a good enough daughter for my parents to love me.

1. My own children are much younger and I'm planning on leaving them for similar reasons although I've never hit them and manage to control my temper around them 99 percent of the time. It's purely the fact that they manage to make me feel so angry which terrifies me. Until I can get my rage under control (if that's even possible) I don't plan on being part of their lives at all as they are better off with out me.

[imip]

In our LA they are getting rid of disability social workers and merging them with social work generally. Yet less support for parents!

[Crackerjackerknacker]

Sorry to hear that dinasaur. My childhood family home was a shouty one as my parents don't have best marriage but I have always known I was loved. I was h
Smacked now and again but it was 1970s and more socially acceptable then. Amazing we were still being hit in school too in those days.

[gotin2amess]

Crackerjacker,

My eldest son has AS and my youngest has Social Emotional and Mental Health issues. As parents, we faced some extreme challenges.

In our case, it was my husband who lost it. He is an excellent father most of the time, but he shouted, verbally railed at the children and occasionally lashed out at them. He has mental health issues and AS himself and the pressure of looking after two teenagers with challenging behaviour was too much for him, in retrospect. Most of this happened when I was at work, so I was not aware of the extent of the aggression.

In our case, social services became involved at child protection level when my eldest son disclosed my husband's behaviour. The category of abuse on the child protection plans was 'emotional abuse' but physical abuse was a concern as well. At the time of the plans my children were 14 and 16.

So, I think you are being incredibly brave and sensible. It is possible that the child with AS may take what you say in temper, literally. My eldest certainly took his father's words to heart.

My husband did not have to leave the family home and the boys did not want him to go, but I really wish we had asked for support before things escalated to the level where intervention had to be imposed on us.

[feelingsinister]

@Crackerjackerknacker as others have said, be really honest with the social worker and explain that you're at breaking point.

I think you all need some help and support, particularly with how to manage these behaviours. I'm sure you know this but often things that work with neuro-typical children just don't work with those with additional needs. They don't necessarily understand or recognise consequences etc and may not actually feel able to regulate their emotions and therefore their behaviour at the moment.

I hope that social care are helpful and can offer your family some support.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

It sounds to me like you are on edge permanently
And maybe a short break would do you
Good to clear head , and re focus

Lots and lots of sympathy from this end . I feel like you sometimes .

I think getting a break and some headspace could go more good than harm

Explain that you love them but you have to get better

Now as to what to do and where to go I cannot answer but if a in-stay mental health retreat within budget possible ? Sometimes you need to do something fairly drastic to fix the issue .

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

And I really applaud you for being so honest , to facing up the the issue and for taking charge . So few people do

You have inspired me a bit OP

I wish you the very best and I really hope some respite and rest and advice comes your way and you can make some baby steps to turn this around

[PregnantSea]

If you're hitting the kids sometimes then it is right that you move out. Maybe you can find a way to deal with these issues and gradually become a bigger part of their lives again in the future?

[TacoLover]

This thread is disgusting, the amount of people excusing the OP's actions and suggesting she is a fine parent the way she is. She is screaming, shouting and hitting her children. That is literally the definition of child abuse! The OP is a child abuser, and people in here are actually blaming the children?! Words fail me. OP glad to see you are moving out. Don't go back until you're prepared to not abuse them when you get angry.

[YogaWannabe]

suggesting she is a fine parent the way she is.

Where?

[Crackerjackerknacker]

Thanks stopfuckingshoutingatme - you just made me cry (in a good way).
My steps for this next week I've decided are:
1.have 5 nights away as a liitle break/headspace/rest (I'll be going to work in day but can have stress free eves). Dc can do after school clubs this week (which they like) and explain to dc its just that, a few days Mum break, I'm not leaving them.

1. Be totally honest and spill beans to social worker including hitting.
2. Get a cleaner each week to help with some of domestics. We can't afford it but it's cheaper than me moving out permanently and my DC's well being (and me being less stressed to help that) is worth it. Will just have to economise on other things.

Beyond this week will also look into more parenting guidance incl stuff some posters have mentioned on here.
Will also see if I can change things at work /change jobs to something less demanding.
Thank you for the helpful posts.

[TacoLover]

Where?

It sounds like your children are the problem and not necessarily you

This post(only copied one but can find more if you wish) is saying that the problem doesn't lie with the OP's parenting but with the children.

[pollyname]

Well done OP, you sound like you are heading down the right path. I recently had to face up in therapy that I was getting overly frustrated with my own DS. It was such a weight off my shoulders seeing my behaviour in context and actually being able to do something about it.

Could you also look at doing 'natural' consequences for you DS - ie, leave the house in your PJs if you don't get dressed? Or set up trips for things he will miss if he doesn't get himself organised - pizza, cinema. I found myself feeling much less frustrated with parenting when I picked a parenting strategy and just stuck to it.

[YogaWannabe]

@TacoLover yeah please do because “the amount of people” = one post, is quite a jump.

[meorhim20]

it's not the DCs' fault. nor OP. the issue is that we have a system that starves families of children with SN of support until things crack and the wheels come off.

maybe moving out is the right step to force the system to put help on place

[TacoLover]

@TacoLover yeah please do because “the amount of people” = one post, is quite a jump.

Do I have to go through the entire thread copying and pasting posts to gather more evidence(already given some) for a point I have already proven? If you are so sceptical you could go through the thread yourself, no? Or do you lack reading comprehension?

[TacoLover]

it's not the DCs' fault. nor OP. the issue is that we have a system that starves families of children with SN of support until things crack and the wheels come off.

It is clear like you said that the OP is under a huge amount of pressure and doesn't have enough support but saying it's not the OP's fault is just bullshit. She is abusing her children. That is her fault. Nobody is making her do that. Nobody is forcing her to hit her children.

[meorhim20]

taco do you have first hand experience of bringing up and caring for a child with SN?

I do - I don't hit btw - but I can totally understand how one can lose it after years of battling and strugging