I just told DH to fuck off in front of the DC

[Catbell82]

Now I know I have been completely unreasonable & feel really guilty about it but I just lost it. DC are 8 & 2. For a bit of background me & DH argue quite a lot (we’ll have a big argument at least once every couple of weeks). It’s usually caused because I don’t like the way he talks to our DC especially 8 year old DS. this has been an issue between us for a long time. DS can often be difficult- he rarely listens, answers back a lot & generally mishaves. DH way of dealing with it is to have a go at him about everything DS does that DH doesn’t like. I think we should pick our battles rather than having a go at DS about everything but DH doesn’t agree. He often talks to DS like he’s an irritant & calls hin weird because he thinks some of the things he does ‘isn’t normal’. Tonight DS was messing about at dinner & after DH had shouted at him that he ‘needs to stop being weird’ about 15 times I lost it & told DH that that was enough & he shouldn’t speak to his son like that. This led to a massive argument that resulted in me telling DH to fuck off & calling him a prick. I know this was completely inappropriate in front the dc & I really wish I hadn’t done it. We already argue lots in front of the dc & I’m concerned about the effect this is having on them. DH says it’s my fault that the dc don’t listen to him because I undermine him & I suppose I do but I can’t bear to stand by & listen to the way he talks to them. I don’t really know why I’m posting on aibu because I know I have been. I guess I just want a bit of perspective. I don’t see how we can continue like this & wonder if it would be better for the dc if I was to separate from DH.

Thank you so much for all your comments & words of support. It has really helped to reaffirm to me that this situation cannot continue. I spoke to DH last night & he acknowledged that it isn’t right the way he talks to DS but he still made excuses for it & was blaming me for the fact that the children don’t listen to him. I suppose because I disagree with him in front of them it will have an impact on the respect they show towards him but I told him there was no way I was going to stand by & listen to him talk to DS like that. He seemed willing to try some sort of parenting course but less willing to go to counselling. He said he thinks it will open a can of worms that will lead to us splitting up. I said that’s even more reason to go if he thinks that & if it’s better for the dc that we aren’t together than so be it. I told him this morning that if he’s not willing to try counselling than that’s the end of our marriage so he said he would go. I’m not sure how productive it will be if he’s already made up his mind about it but I feel that we should try it. 🤞 we can make this a happier household for our dc.

You’re right. Those things aren’t in my marriage anymore. I used to try to tell DH in a calm way or wait until the dc were in bed but he would never accept that he was in the wrong & would continually blame DS so i gave up trying to talk to him calmly.

It wasn’t helped last night that my FIL was here & said to DS that it was because of him that me & DH were argueing & it wouldn’t have happened if he had been behaving. That made me even more angry.

DH grew up in an abusive house himself - his mum would hit his dad & still does. I imagine this has had a big influence in the way he is now.

Good luck, OP.

I think a lot has been said on this thread to think about OP.

I wanted to say to you welldone for sticking up for your DS. Keep doing something, as it does affect them. Whilst swear words were not great, I understand that desperation and you showed your DC you value them, their experience from their little POV and feelings.

My DC were 0,4,6 when I became a single mother. It was not soon enough for my son and middle daughter who were and continue to be affected, by their dad's abusive behaviour towards them (& me), they could do no right for doing wrong and were spoken to nastily by their dad over minor or imagined dismeanors - too often for any child not to take to heart. He taught them only his feelings mmatte. I briefly considered sharing a bit more of my family's experience, the impact on my DC and how I continue to tackle it 10 years later, but I can't bring myself to on a public forum.

At the very least your H would be better to do a parenting course to help him see different techniques he could use, as it's a choice how we treat & speak to our DC- which affects how their personalities develop. It shapes them. My DC are happier and thrive with a safer space in their home with just me. It cost me a lot emotionally, physically and financially to challenge & get away but I did the right thing.

You have come a long way in a few hours, OP.

You dh is completely right - counselling will open a can of worms and those worms might split you up. But it may be the salvation of your children. He has shown again that the needs of your children comes below his own.

Stay firm about this and keep pushing. He is obviously a very damaged individual but he is responsible for working through that now

@Catbell82. It took me so long to write my post above that I cross posted without seeing your updates. Sounds like you have a good plan. I'm glad you are finding a way forward. Your FIL is abusive too to say that to DD and I'm not surprised he is a DV perp.

Ah FIL is DV survivor? Regardless he was unhelpful and abusive to say that to DS (sorry not DD).

Both absolutely wrong. Never justify your own bad behaviour by saying someone else’s behaviour is responsible for it. Own your own poor behaviour. Of course you don’t swear and shout at your DH in front of your DCs. The mature adult way to behave is to discuss the issue when the DCs are not around. By responding to your DH in the way you did, you are giving the green light to your DCs to treat him disrespectfully because they now know that your parenting is inconsistent and will play you off against each other.

Both of you have created a very toxic environment for your ds and it might be a good reason to explain his behaviour. This poor child is stuck in the middle of a very bad situation. I'm glad that you've managed to do something about it OP. Its telling that your dh chooses to leave rather than work on issues which could save his marriage. I think your ds could benefit from some counseling as well.

I can't see much hope for the relationship if you're already exasperated by cycles of very short term improvements before regressing back to the starting point, and a wall of everything else being to blame and a lack of personal responsibility.

Reading all of OP's updates and post again, I disagree with PPs above. Sometimes things need to come to a head before counselling will work and he's willing to try that & parenting course which they could both do together (so DH feels part of a team), they can discuss what they've learnt from that session and how they might try to use same techniques as a team.

I'm not hearing lack of hope in this situation.

And if after all that, it stays cyclic and not great, at least OP & H know they've tried.

It definitely already will have affected both your kids. My own father was like this and sometimes mum even backed him up. Off the top of my head some of the things he would roll out regularly:

• you’re an idiot
• are you thick?
• stop eating miss piggy (I was absolutely tiny)
• you’ll never amount to anything

Etc etc. I’ve never forgotten it and at 40 years old we have Avery strained relationship. I should also point out that you , by staying with him are enabling the abuse of your children. This is what I feel about my own mother so be aware you are sabotaging your relationship with them. You should be protecting your children and you’re not. The question is why??