I just told DH to fuck off in front of the DC

[Catbell82]

Now I know I have been completely unreasonable & feel really guilty about it but I just lost it. DC are 8 & 2. For a bit of background me & DH argue quite a lot (we’ll have a big argument at least once every couple of weeks). It’s usually caused because I don’t like the way he talks to our DC especially 8 year old DS. this has been an issue between us for a long time. DS can often be difficult- he rarely listens, answers back a lot & generally mishaves. DH way of dealing with it is to have a go at him about everything DS does that DH doesn’t like. I think we should pick our battles rather than having a go at DS about everything but DH doesn’t agree. He often talks to DS like he’s an irritant & calls hin weird because he thinks some of the things he does ‘isn’t normal’. Tonight DS was messing about at dinner & after DH had shouted at him that he ‘needs to stop being weird’ about 15 times I lost it & told DH that that was enough & he shouldn’t speak to his son like that. This led to a massive argument that resulted in me telling DH to fuck off & calling him a prick. I know this was completely inappropriate in front the dc & I really wish I hadn’t done it. We already argue lots in front of the dc & I’m concerned about the effect this is having on them. DH says it’s my fault that the dc don’t listen to him because I undermine him & I suppose I do but I can’t bear to stand by & listen to the way he talks to them. I don’t really know why I’m posting on aibu because I know I have been. I guess I just want a bit of perspective. I don’t see how we can continue like this & wonder if it would be better for the dc if I was to separate from DH.

‘he knows it will get DH in trouble with me’

Ah a nice side helping of emotional trauma, to go with the low self esteem.

Seriously OP put your children first and divorce each other.

It wasn’t ideal but you were defending your DS and he probably noted that and let’s face it, he needs defending if his own dad is repeatedly calling him weird. That’s very damaging! Your DH sounds horrible and you and the children would probably have a much nicer life away from him.

You sound perfect candidates for family counselling. You're both modelling rubbish behaviour to your kids.

Staying with my parents would be tolerable for a short while if it came to that. I can’t remember exactly when it become like this. I think it was shortly after DS started school & he stopped listening as well as he used to & start playing up a bit. It’s escalated from there. I have suggested counselling before but then DH makes a big effort to show he can change so we don’t go & then end up back here again.

The way you did it wasn't good, but my father used to humiliate and belittle me like that and I wish my mother had defended me as you did your son rather than choosing a quiet life and financial stability. My brother once called my father a motherfucker to his face for bullying me and it mattered a lot to me that he did that - I'll never forget that someone cared enough to be angry for me.

I have to agree though that your kids can't continue in this atmosphere. Wishing you courage!

Sounds like he's not going to change. You need to think about what's best for your kids.

Seriously, OP, you’ve just done a great thing for your DS, as a mother; you’ve shown him that you have his back and that you are his primary protector above a hostile and potentially abusive father.
There is nothing wrong with your instincts. I told my DH to fuck off for far less, just the once, and like you, was horrified that I’d done so. Your reasoning is far more solid. It sounds like you’ve never done it before in eight years of parenting and like you will never do it again. But you had your reaction to DH’s behaviour towards your DS for a very good reason.

Our relationship was good before kids. Although DH has always had his own insecurity issues and is very needy emotionally. I thought at this point in our relationship he would have dealt with it but I don’t think he has. To be honest I worry about what he might do it I left him, I don’t think he could cope

An 8 year old will reflect back to you and Dh the kind of language and the way you speak to each other. If you speak badly to each other so will he. That is what he is being modelled.
If you want to raise healthy kids, you and Dh need to sit down and decide how you will react to each other and agree on how you speak to each other and the kids. It is possible to get better at it and stop the shouting and name calling.

You know you are describing emotional abuse, right? It's not "undermining" him to defend your children from abuse.

DH makes a big effort to show he can change so we don’t go & then end up back here again.

Straight out of cycle of abuse... As is him putting the blame for his behaviour onto you.

As the child of an angry fighty family, it is already affecting them. You really think it isn't?

Get your sh!t in order and go and get help before you both screw your kids up.

you’ve shown him that you have his back and that you are his primary protector above a hostile and potentially abusive father.

Perhaps, or from the flip side of the coin she's shown the way to deal with the behaviour is to stoop to the same level of name calling.

Op please think about what messages your children are getting about relationships here. For the past 3 years your son has witnessed that couples argue, shout, play emotional mind games, manipulate each other, make empty threats and are disrespectful to one another. How would you feel if he ended up modelling this behaviour with any future partners?

Although DH has always had his own insecurity issues and is very needy emotionally.

Can you give some examples of what you mean by this?

To be honest I worry about what he might do it I left him, I don’t think he could cope

Why? His behaviour is his responsibility, not yours. You can't save him. He is an adult who has made clear to you he has no desire to change the damaging way he's behaving. But you can protect your children from having their lives destroyed by an abusive parent and home that never feels truly safe because they never know when things will erupt.

It sounds like you both want to change it - can you try and access a parenting course together?

And can you develop a strategy so that only one of you deals with behaviour issues at one time? And both practice your calm, stop first, speak calmly and act authoritatively parenting. And so that you seek to try to understand the behaviour together by talking about it together more?

The way you did it wasn't good, but my father used to humiliate and belittle me like that and I wish my mother had defended me as you did your son rather than choosing a quiet life and financial stability.

This. OP, you cannot imagine the effect that words like your DH's have on a child. He is showing you what kind of person he is, loud and clear, and it's no wonder your son is acting out.

Your son will believe that it is his fault that you and his dad argue all the time. And it appears that your dh thinks the same thing.

Your poor little boy. You have to do something about this.

I’ve not noticed it affecting Dc yet but am concerned that it will soon.

It already is. The constant arguing is ruining your children. My mum and stepdad were like this. I have no memories of my mum and step dad happy that aren’t marred by the memories of shitty arguing.

If you can’t stop arguing then you need to split up. It’s no way to bring up children who don’t have a choice about being exposed to that shit.

You can't speak to him like shit while simultaneously telling him not to speak like shit!

catbell it does sound like he might be threatened by your son’s increasing independence and individuality. I am in no way an expert but I work daily with teenagers and this is definiatky a thing. The pattern I have seen (and I am not saying that it is always the way it goes) is that this gets worse and they become more confrontational until one day one of them snaps and it becomes physical.

Imagine yourself standing in the playground at school and hearing a kid telling your son repeatedly that he is weird and to stop it. What would you expect the teacher to do? How would that make you feel?

You responded in a verbally aggressive way to extremely poor behaviour. You were protecting your son.

Take a break. Take the kids and stay with your parents for a while. Your fear about what he would do if you left is, I suspect, part of your husband’s way of emotionally controlling you. Brutal as it sounds you cannot be responsible for him and his behaviour

When his previous relationship ended he started drinking a lot. Then when we got together he would often say things like ‘I’m so scared that you’ll leave me cos everyone leaves me’. He would get paranoid when I went out with friends because he thought I would meet someone better. If I don’t tell him I love him multiple times a day or send him messages during the day when we are both at work he thinks I’m too busy to care.

Family counseling has been very interesting and useful you us. We go to CBT chap and I'd definitely recommend it to be honest.

It's just DH and I.

You obviously are being unreasonable OP as you already know, you are both damaging your kids by constantly arguing in front of them. Get it together, seek therapy, divorce but don't argue in front of the kids, it's not their job to have to deal with your communication issues.

Your DS will probably feel guilty if you do divorce because you have been arguing about him constantly IN FRONT OF him, he shouldn't have to feel like he is responsible for your fallout (even if he is).

That being said what are YOU doing about your DS's challenging behaviour? your husband constantly calling him weird is obviously not healthy but it does seem like your son barely listens to anyone and he sees you continuously defending him, it seems like your DH is at the end of his tether. I agree that supporting toxic reactions isn't on but you DO need to be a team in front of the children. Does your DS have any consequences for his misbehaviour? You both really need to agree on an effective punishment for your ds. Your DS shouldn't be allowed to continuously misbehave and disrupt dinner time or other family time to the point where everyone is shouting and yelling at each other.

Your DH calling him weird is wrong but your DS's behaviour is also wrong and need dealing with. Instead of calling your DH a prick who should fuck off for losing his cool (losing yours in the process) saying "DH, I don't think you calling him weird is beneficial nor called for here but DS your behaviour is definitely out of order and you need to cut it off as we do not tolerate this type of behaviour around the table. If you can't control yourself, early bed time and no TV tomorrow (or whatever other punishment you would want to implement) might be the solution."

It seems to me like your DS walks all over you, your DH obviously doesn't know how to deal with his constant misbehaviour and has turned to shouting and yelling and you seem totally unable to deal with either your DH outburst or DS's behaviour. Family counseling seems to be greatly needed here as you all seem to have chosen yelling, swearing and throwing tantrums as your way to communicate with each other.

Your last post is frankly chilling to read. I'm not sure how you ended up married with 2 children, when the warning signs were so blatant from the very beginning.

You want your DH to speak nicely to your son, and the way you do that is to speak horribly to your husband in front of your kids?

An adult shouldn't have to model good behaviour for another adult. Is he her husband or another child?