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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just told DH to fuck off in front of the DC

113 replies

Catbell82 · 23/02/2019 20:17

Now I know I have been completely unreasonable & feel really guilty about it but I just lost it. DC are 8 & 2. For a bit of background me & DH argue quite a lot (we’ll have a big argument at least once every couple of weeks). It’s usually caused because I don’t like the way he talks to our DC especially 8 year old DS. this has been an issue between us for a long time. DS can often be difficult- he rarely listens, answers back a lot & generally mishaves. DH way of dealing with it is to have a go at him about everything DS does that DH doesn’t like. I think we should pick our battles rather than having a go at DS about everything but DH doesn’t agree. He often talks to DS like he’s an irritant & calls hin weird because he thinks some of the things he does ‘isn’t normal’. Tonight DS was messing about at dinner & after DH had shouted at him that he ‘needs to stop being weird’ about 15 times I lost it & told DH that that was enough & he shouldn’t speak to his son like that. This led to a massive argument that resulted in me telling DH to fuck off & calling him a prick. I know this was completely inappropriate in front the dc & I really wish I hadn’t done it. We already argue lots in front of the dc & I’m concerned about the effect this is having on them. DH says it’s my fault that the dc don’t listen to him because I undermine him & I suppose I do but I can’t bear to stand by & listen to the way he talks to them. I don’t really know why I’m posting on aibu because I know I have been. I guess I just want a bit of perspective. I don’t see how we can continue like this & wonder if it would be better for the dc if I was to separate from DH.

OP posts:
Springwalk · 23/02/2019 22:08

I would be much more worried if you were not losing your shit ( it would highlight a broken woman if you accepted your childen being hurt like this) you are not a broken woman, not yet, get your darling children out of this situation as fast as you possibly can.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 23/02/2019 22:10

Your dh sounds like a great big baby. He bullies and shouts at his own ds because he doesn’t like his behaviour? He needs to read some parenting books and think about how his actions are impacting on his dc.

You’re losing your rag with him because he’s abusing your ds!

Do you think your h can change?

If not, separate. You and your dc will be happier.

BoringPerson · 23/02/2019 22:12

Even without considering how this must effect your children why on earth would you want to stay with someone when you don’t seem to like each other. It must be horrible for you and your husband to be arguing so much.

How do you see this all panning out as your kids get older?

OrigamiZoo · 23/02/2019 22:15

Agree with @Springwalk, even better, you need to leave to protect him from any further abuse.

CottonGoods · 23/02/2019 22:18

To be honest I worry about what he might do it I left him, I don’t think he could cope

As @PeterPiperPickedWrong says in response: Please worry more about your children, how he would cope is not your problem

I can't begin to say how right this is (and I know from personal experience how hard it is to try to do anything about it - but you have to).

WanderingTrolley1 · 23/02/2019 22:18

Your DH is completely pathetic. And a bully.

Please, get your children away from him.

CottonGoods · 23/02/2019 22:20

@AlexaAmbidextra I would have said the same as you, had I not been in a similar situation.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/02/2019 22:22

WELL DONE! You stood up for your DS and showed him that his selfish, abusive father can't call him names unchallenged. Now take it the rest of the way: end the marriage. There is no point in any kind of counselling with an abusive man: a competent counsellor won't take you on as a couple/family because counselling doesn't stop abuse, but a rubbish one (and there are plenty of those) will waste your time and money trying to make you 'understand' your H when what this man needs is a good kick in the cock.
He won't change, because he is incapable of considering anyone other than himself. Get rid. Good luck.

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2019 22:22

So your dh controls you? Are you allowed out these days?

SassitudeandSparkle · 23/02/2019 22:30

OP, if you and your DH argue a lot in front of the children that would make me think that is where your DS picked up being argumentative from! Children do model what they see.

Rumboogie · 23/02/2019 22:41

If you leave you must consider that your husband will have parental rights. When the DC are with him you will not be able to protect them.

TAMumof3 · 23/02/2019 22:45

Is it possible that your 8 year old is a bit weird?
It's easy to point the finger at your partner or yourself but could he have actually hit on a valid point ?
Is your son showing signs of odd behaviour, struggling socailly at school, loner,autismy, - why is his behaviour out-of-sync with your partners' expectations for a boy of 8 ?

alternateuniverse · 23/02/2019 22:50

OP
I remember arguments that i undermined my ex. I didn't tell him to fuck off or anything like that because I was too busy trying to intervene without making him angrier. So of course arguing in front of DC isn't good - as you acknowledged right upfront. But at least you weren't trying to appease your husband. You are standing up for your son.

Maybe exploding isn't great but maybe it serves a purpose. It highlights to you this isn't ok.

Thinking of my own experience, one of the biggest concerns i had reading your post is that your husband was most concerned about being undermined. We all have moments of shit parenting and most decent parents feel awful afterwards, acknowledge they didn't get it right, try better etc. He isn't doing any of that. He apparently thinks it's fine to treat DS badly and is more concerned about his own feelings, wounded ego or whatever.

Walking away isn't easy but he isn't giving you much to work with here, is he.

PtahNeith · 23/02/2019 22:55

When the DC are with him you will not be able to protect them.

They're not being protected now.

alternateuniverse · 23/02/2019 22:55

why is his behaviour out-of-sync with your partners' expectations for a boy of 8 ?

Are you kidding? This a father who repeatedly tells his own young child he is weird, without any remorse. Are you really going to judge him as a useful source of information about that child?

RuggyPeg · 23/02/2019 23:04

TAM - you're kidding, right? No matter the circumstances, it is never ok to call a child weird. Never. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck needs to have this pointed out to them.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/02/2019 23:11

Also, 'undermining' an unkind, unreasonable parent is a good thing to do. The idea that adults should stick together against children is bullshit - never 'support' another adult who is acting like a knob, whether that's your partner or school staff.

Fabbyabbyy · 23/02/2019 23:21

Do you actually like your husband? It doesn’t sound like you do. It also doesn’t sound like he likes you or your DS.

My mum and dad used to argue a lot when I was a kid. Their arguments would turn violent though with my dad giving my mum the most horrendous beatings. He would also speak to us like utter shit. I hated him and used to secretly pray my mum would leave him.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your son is wishing for the same thing but is just too scared to say. It’s such a toxic environment to be bringing up children in.

IHateUncleJamie · 23/02/2019 23:24

@TAMumof3 Are you serious? 😱 Do you actually think it’s ok for a parent to constantly call a child weird? I don’t give a shit what this man’s expectations of an 8 year-old child are. If the poor child is struggling at school or showing signs of odd behaviour it will be because he’s living in an emotionally abusive environment. NOT because he’s “weird” and the Dad might have “a valid point”, FFS.

gamerchick · 23/02/2019 23:27

TAMumof3 Are you serious?

Some people are. Usually the ones that do it themselves to their kids.

autismy indeed!Hmm

GreenTulips · 23/02/2019 23:41

Poor kid

Lots of 8 year olds can’t follow instructions they also switch off if someone is shouting at them - they can’t process quick enough to understand

You we’re right to tell him to F Off - he wasn’t listening either

Next time, if there is one ask your DS to leave the table with you and tell DH you’ll eat later

Remove him from the situation

Until you can leave

kateandme · 24/02/2019 03:11

he will notice.trust me.he will have noticed from a very very young age.and it sometimes damages them beyond even what they realise.until it hits later and it hits hard when you realise your behaviour has been due to seeing this in your childhood.
and soon or soon enough he wont be this young boy.but a boy with all that raging emotion and hate towards his dad and his parents behaviour and suddenly he will also have strength.the strength of a growing lad.and then when he retaliates with all that put together the picture and result is never pretty.and the poor kids will always bear the brunt of it.it will always mess them up the worst even if it si the result of seeing his parents live like they have.

there is anger towards behaviour and major telling off to be had.and also a big sit down of "right son how are we going to change things here because ou cant behave like you do.lets work this shit out"
but then there is bullying .and belittling.and this is what your dh is doing and it will only reinforce the rage and confusion in your dc.and it will then escalate the bad beahvioru and the way he lets It out.he isn't emotioanly mature enough yet to figure out all this stuff so he needs support and yes telling off and boundaries.but to be belittled is never ever going to work and will only add to his hate for maybe the world and himself and others.

kateandme · 24/02/2019 03:14

the word weird is for an 8 year old boy like a kick in the stomach.it reinforces everything they are confused about at this coming age.your dh knows this and from what you posted might even know this enough to say it exactly because it will hurt him most.im sorry if this isn't true but from your posts....? time to sort his op.keep strong.

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 07:46

I hope you come back op.

People are right to feel worried for you and your dc.

I hope you are okay 💐

Stormwhale · 24/02/2019 09:11

I hope this doesn't come across as gloating, as no marriage is perfect, but I hoped to show you what is our normal for comparison.

Dh and I have one dd, and a ds on the way. If something one of us does upsets the other, it will be pointed out in a calm voice. Dd is not phased by this, and we continue to be able to interact with dd normally whilst this is happening. There is no shouting or screaming, just a slight change in tone, and a calm statement about what is wrong. If just pointing it out isn't enough to make the other person see that it was not a nice thing to do/say or it's not easily resolved as a misunderstanding, then it would be left and revisited later once we are not around dd. Usually though, just pointing it out would be enough for the other person to realise they were a bit off and apologise, or it to all be evened out, all in front of dd. Again, at no point is dd upset or disturbed by the conversation, and we continue to speak normally to dd, continue playing with her etc, it's not a big deal.

I think this teaches her a calm way of resolving conflict, without it needing to be a massive emotionally charged situation. I don't want her to think that we never disagree with each other as that isn't healthy either. We are human and make mistakes.

The problem is, that for this to work there needs to be a basis of respect and an equal balance in the relationship. It doesn't sound like those things are there in your marriage. I think the way you communicate is broken, and the foundations for it to improve just aren't there. I think you need to go straight into counselling, or divorce.

I would hate for my dc to be in the middle of fights between dh and i. I can't imagine how frightening and stressful that is for a child. You need to take action now to either improve your family life as it is or leave your marriage to give your children peace and stability.