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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just told DH to fuck off in front of the DC

113 replies

Catbell82 · 23/02/2019 20:17

Now I know I have been completely unreasonable & feel really guilty about it but I just lost it. DC are 8 & 2. For a bit of background me & DH argue quite a lot (we’ll have a big argument at least once every couple of weeks). It’s usually caused because I don’t like the way he talks to our DC especially 8 year old DS. this has been an issue between us for a long time. DS can often be difficult- he rarely listens, answers back a lot & generally mishaves. DH way of dealing with it is to have a go at him about everything DS does that DH doesn’t like. I think we should pick our battles rather than having a go at DS about everything but DH doesn’t agree. He often talks to DS like he’s an irritant & calls hin weird because he thinks some of the things he does ‘isn’t normal’. Tonight DS was messing about at dinner & after DH had shouted at him that he ‘needs to stop being weird’ about 15 times I lost it & told DH that that was enough & he shouldn’t speak to his son like that. This led to a massive argument that resulted in me telling DH to fuck off & calling him a prick. I know this was completely inappropriate in front the dc & I really wish I hadn’t done it. We already argue lots in front of the dc & I’m concerned about the effect this is having on them. DH says it’s my fault that the dc don’t listen to him because I undermine him & I suppose I do but I can’t bear to stand by & listen to the way he talks to them. I don’t really know why I’m posting on aibu because I know I have been. I guess I just want a bit of perspective. I don’t see how we can continue like this & wonder if it would be better for the dc if I was to separate from DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catbell82 · 23/02/2019 21:02

The thing is DS actually shows more respect to me than DH. I punish him for his behaviour by not letting him stay up late, confiscating the Xbox/tablet, not letting him go to football (although DH doesn’t think I should do this as we are paying for it). Whereas DH justs shouts & expects DS to follow orders, he rarely actually disciplines DS.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/02/2019 21:04

There was a programme on BBC about domestic violence where they spoke to the children. It would be well worth both of you watching this. If that doesn't make him change his ways (and you too, frankly) then you should separate.

Here.

BrendasUmbrella · 23/02/2019 21:05

To be honest I worry about what he might do it I left him, I don’t think he could cope

Again, you're not his mother and he's not a child. He will almost definitely cope (probably by latching onto another Mother Wife) but if not, then what, you'll throw away your life and damage your dc's lives to try to keep him stable?

Original poster
Catbell82 · 23/02/2019 21:06

I know icerebel**. I kind of had my own issues at the time which I won’t go into detail but after having been with so many men who treated me like shit I felt glad to find someone who seemed to worship the ground I walk on. I know it sounds pathetic & was clearly a recipe for disaster

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 23/02/2019 21:08

You are using clear and tangible cause and effect strategies.

Does your gas and actually understand how parental discipline works? Does he understand about distancing behaviour from personality?

If one parent finds disciplining challenging it seems possible that they may believe that the child simply prefers the other parent rather than the method actually feeding in tk the poor behaviour

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/02/2019 21:08

Seriously, OP, you’ve just done a great thing for your DS, as a mother; you’ve shown him that you have his back and that you are his primary protector above a hostile and potentially abusive father.

Only on MN could a woman who has been abusive to her DH in front of their children be held up as some sort of role model for positive parenting. It must have taken quite a lot of mental agility to make the woman in the scenario a heroine and the man the complete villain of the piece.

Passmethecrisps · 23/02/2019 21:08

Not gas and. Husband Blush

adaline · 23/02/2019 21:08

An adult shouldn't have to model good behaviour for another adult. Is he her husband or another child?

But her son is behaving badly too - and no wonder, his parents argue all the time and are disrespectful to each other on a regular basis.

Original poster
Catbell82 · 23/02/2019 21:12

I really don’t think he does. Sometimes the stuff he shouts at DS about isn’t actually bad behaviour but little things that DH just finds irritating about DS. I had told DH that he can’t tell DS off about something just because he doesn’t like it when clearly it’s just part of DS personality

OP posts:
PtahNeith · 23/02/2019 21:14

If I don’t tell him I love him multiple times a day or send him messages during the day when we are both at work he thinks I’m too busy to care.

This is not a description of love or insecurity; it's a description of abuse. Coercive control, which is a crime. A crime that carries a prison sentence. (The same applies to other parts of your post, I've only picked one for simplicity).

after having been with so many men who treated me like shit I felt glad to find someone who seemed to worship the ground I walk on

It's completely understandable, but you have fallen into the same trap as many women exiting abusive relationships do if they haven't had support to unstandardised the dynamics that drive abuse (the need to have control of you): you compared the next man to the previous and concluded that because he was different he must not be abusive, when actually he was just differently abusive.

I think you need to get yourself on the Freedom Programme sharpish to help you understand what is going on here and the damage it is doing to your children - and how they will heal if you get them out of this situation and protect them.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it's information, not therapy.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Do not go to joint counselling with this man, it is never recommended where there is abuse.

You might also find it informative to google "love bombing" and "trauma bonding".

Original poster
Catbell82 · 23/02/2019 21:15

When I comment on DH parenting techniques though he just goes off on one about how I’m not a perfect parent either

OP posts:
PeterPiperPickedWrong · 23/02/2019 21:15

wonder if it would be better for the dc if I was to separate from DH.

Yes.
I could have written this post. When DC was 7 I said I wanted to separate. DH promised to change. I was the idiot who believed him. DC is now a teen and it has only gotten worse. The only things DH and I ever have blazing rows about is how he speaks to DC.
DC now, through learned behaviour, speaks the way DH speaks to him. I wish we had gone our separate ways. It’s now too late as, due to health problems, I am unable to leave/live as a single parent.

To be honest I worry about what he might do it I left him, I don’t think he could cope

Please worry more about your children, how he would cope is not your problem.

IceRebel · 23/02/2019 21:20

PeterPiperPickedWrong It's never too late, you can still leave if that's what you want. You say you have teens so i'm guessing you're no older than your early 60s, there's still so many years left ahead of you.

Jetstream · 23/02/2019 21:20

My brother behaves like this towards his youngest son. It is horrible and no matter what is said to my brother about this behaviour, he never stops. Sorry no advice.

CottonGoods · 23/02/2019 21:25

Have PMd you, @Catbell82

PtahNeith · 23/02/2019 21:26

This is what he is doing to you, and your son:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=wO6BXV6Yxgo

CottonGoods · 23/02/2019 21:26

But PeterPiper talks good sense.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2019 21:33

As far as I'm concerned, you either immediately enroll in family therapy or you separate. The damage you're doing to to children is inexcusable.

CJsGoldfish · 23/02/2019 21:47

I’ve not noticed it affecting Dc yet but am concerned that it will soon

Don't be so naive. Of course it is affecting your children. Every single day. Neither of you are covered in glory here. Whilst your DH should never have been able to continuously treat your son the way he has, setting yourself up as some kind of hero wasn't the answer.

You are BOTH damaging your children. You must know this. What are you going to do about it is the only question here.

LunafortJest · 23/02/2019 21:47

It sounds like your husband really resents his son and doesn't even like him. That very sad. I think you should split up as I don't think he'll change. He doesn't like you going out, he needs you to say to him several times a day that you love him? I'd say a big Grow Up! to him if it were me, he seems to have a lot of issues and is very manipulative. And your son bears the brunt of a lot of it. Your husband doesn't love, er, even like your son for who he is, he appears irritated that he even has a son. Your son is will grow up feeling unwanted by his father, and unaccepted. I think you should LTB. You should also tell your husband that everyone is weird in their own way, that weird is not a bad thing. Being different is ok. Your son doesn't have to be like everyone else. He doesn't exist to be a carbon copy of his father. It is ok to be weird. There is nothing wrong with being weird.

LunafortJest · 23/02/2019 21:51

Oh, and your husband is weird for being emotionally needy and clingy, tell him that. Tell him it isn't normal for a man to be so emotionally needy and clingy that he has to be told several times a day you love him and needs messages while you're at work. That is not....normal. Tell him he is weird, too, so why is he picking on your son?

Springwalk · 23/02/2019 21:51

I grew up with this level of arguing every day. Every single day.

You are in fact protecting your son from emotional abuse.

The very reason you lost your shit is because your dh is ABUSING your son.

Calling your child weird day in and and day our, or worse is a sure fire way to really truly damage him.

Forget the fact you swore, you need to look at why your son is being hurt like this, and how you can put an end to this.

CottonGoods · 23/02/2019 21:55

*You are in fact protecting your son from emotional abuse.

The very reason you lost your shit is because your dh is ABUSING your son*

This, a thousand times over.

IHateUncleJamie · 23/02/2019 21:58

To be honest I worry about what he might do it I left him, I don’t think he could cope

That’s up to him; he’s an adult and is responsible for himself and his choices. Your children HAVE to be your priority and trust me, they will already be affected. You need to stop this toxic atmosphere right now for the sake of your children.

I grew up with an abusive Mother and a weak, enabling Father. I never knew what I was going to walk into and it made me hypervigilant anxious and depressed. It has had physical and emotional effects on me for decades.

No child should ever have to hear that THEY are bad, weird, naughty, disgusting. Their behaviour may well be unacceptable but they as people are not. Unless you want your children to need years of therapy in the future, you need to get them out of this abusive environment ASAP. They are your priority, not your husband.

certainlymerry · 23/02/2019 22:04

I can't believe what you just posted. Why are you with this total loser? Your marriage sounds like it needs a major overhaul. He needs to get a grip or you seriously think about leaving him. You also need to stop arguing in front of your child.