To ask about sex after children?

[Lipsticktraces]

Lying in bed feeling like crap after a row with DH.

Basically he tried it on earlier and I turned him down. We have six month old twins and my previously healthy sex drive is just none existent at the moment. However he has alleged that I’m just making excuses, that I would feel much better if I just had sex with him and (most confusingly) that there is nothing left inside of me anymore

Please speak to me honestly about what sex is usually like after having children. I hate feeling this way as well, but I just have no sex drive. We’ve done it twice sonc twins were born and I’ve found it uncomfortable both times.

Will I ever want sex again? Should I just force myself to do it? DH is always so moody these days and I’m pretty sure a large part of it is sexual frustration.

Am I normal/abnormal? Please tell me some of you have been here and tell me what you did about it.

Personally I'd just do it but that's because I feel worse the longer I leave it. I have twins too.

My issue is I find it extremely painful now. I had cesareans so...don't know why.

I had a c section too Seline and I’m not sure why I find it so uncomfortable. It feels too tight and like DH is too big for me. He says everything feels same as it did before for him. Are you breastfeeding? I wonder if it’s something to do with that?

Sex doesn't have to mean intercourse, could you relieve his frustration in other ways?

Though the first couple of times were a bit strange after giving birth within a few months it was pretty back to normal and there was no discomfort.

Don't get me wrong my sex drive was lower after giving birth (I think it's the lack of sleep and just being touched out - and thats just with one baby) but it wasn't none existant

I waited a couple of months after my twins before we started having sex again but we did have the odd fiddle before then.

We both have high sex drives so that was quite a long time for us not to have sex but I just wasn't ready yet.

My main thing was needing the build up. It's not about just before bed going 'let's have sex tonight' my partner built it up all evening giving me compliments and a kiss and grope. (That's how we are it wasn't something out of the blue)

By the time we went to bed I felt horny and wanted to take part not just do it because he wants it. He needs to earn it.

And sooo much lube helps

I suppose I could @iolaus, but if I’m honest I just don’t bloody want too! I’m just so tired all the time and it feels like another chore to tick off my list.

I found I wasn't into it either for at least a year after having my son (by c-section). Breastfeeding hormones certainly didn't help. We needed lube for a year because my body clearly wasn't facilitating that bit and it always felt tight and uncomfortable for me and the pressure on my abdomen were my scar was was weird and uncomfortable too.

It got better and now we're expecting our second. So now things are awkward again.

But how can you have a build up when I’m looking after twins all day?

I’m with them. They go to bed around 6pm. It takes about an hour and a half to get them to sleep and by then I’m shattered myself.

I just don’t know how you all did/do it. I mustn’t be trying hard enough

Breastfeeding has definitely made me want sex much less. Don’t know if it’s the hormones or feeling ‘touched out’ or what.
Your DH shouldn’t expect you to just have sex with him for his benefit though! What’s the point unless you’re both in the mood?! I don’t think it’s on for him to try and pressure you!
Having said that, I definitely always do ‘something’ just to try and keep the peace!

@BeanTownNancy Yes the tightness is awful, even when we’ve used loads of lube. I’m totally with you on the section scar feeling weird as well. I don’t even like having my boobs touched anymore because they feel mega sensitive 24/7. Plus my body looks different now and I’m mega self conscious about it.

I felt anything but sexual after my last (4th) baby. We dtd a few times but I was very uncomfortable and it hurt a bit the first few times which put me off more and I ended up just giving him a handjob now and then for a bit. I started feeling like I was a changed woman forever and I’d never get my libido back which was really depressing because I still loved and found my OH as attractive as ever, there was just no actual desire if that makes sense.

Eventually somewhere around the 6 month mark, it was around Christmas and we’d shared some wine and suddenly I was all for it. I had also just stopped breastfeeding which may have been a factor. Once I did it and it felt normal again things skyrocketed from there and everything’s back to our previously great sex life. Baby is 20 months now and there are still times when we’re both shattered and cba but less so all the time.

Is there anyone who you trust to have the babies for a few hours or even the night to give you both a break and a chance to spend some quality time together? You will get past it eventually but it’s important not to put pressure on yourself. It will all come back for you in time x

DH and I haven't had sex since our last baby was conceived. Said baby is now 16 months old...

Sex just seems like something that isn't a priority and there isn't much opportunity to do. I also have depression, which adds to the load.

I think we'll get back on track one day but not while we have small children I think.

DH has never pressured me to have sex BTW.

I'm only 3 months postpartum and we have DTD 5 times since the all clear at 6 weeks.
It hurt a little the first 2 times, but with practice, lubricant, and me being relaxed with the help of a drink, the last 2 times didn't hurt at all. We have found different positions that don't put pressure on my perineum where there is some scarring.
I did find that being on the mini-pill made my libido drop and made me feel depressed. Are you on hormonal birth control? Are you breastfeeding? Both of these things can make things feel quite dry. Perhaps come off birth control and use condoms for a while and see if your libido comes back?
Don't stop breastfeeding, but do use a good quality lubricant, see if you can get a silicone based one, they last a lot longer.
Sex is an important part of a long term relationship, and helps our partners feel loved and valued. Sometimes I'm not in the mood but because I love my husband I'll go along with his efforts and my body will respond with arousal, after a few minutes of kissing etc I will quickly get in the mood.
Also, try using a lot of clitoral stimulation eg using a small vibrator, oral sex, fingers, mutual masturbation etc, it's not all about penetration.

Another thing is I find my husband helping with the baby and bonding with the baby to be really attractive. Is your partner helping much with the kids?
Foreplay begins outside the bedroom, with kind words, being considerate, and sharing the workload of parenting.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel about all this? About your fears? Open communication is important.

Good luck OP, with effort and patience from both of you, your sex life will return to normal again. Or so my MIL and a few friends with kids have told me.

Lipstick I'm not breastfeeding now but I was for a while.

I feel like that too. I wasn't able to have sex in pregnancy and I swear I regrew my virginity. God knows why it's so painful.

@Mamabear my parents would take the babies for a few hours if we were doing something, but I’m not sure how they would feel if it was obvious we were just asking so we could have sex. I’ve thought about it and I just feel awkward.

I’m not ready to be away from them overnight. I hate being away from them even for a few hours. The only chance we really have is when they are in Ben. Although my little boy wakes every two
Hours to feed so even that’s hit and miss.

I haven’t had sex in a long time because my DH has health issues.
Sometimes I do feel very frustrated and annoyed BUT I would never cause a row over it or say or do anything to make DH feel shitty, it’s hardly his fault!

Think your DH is being a bit of a prick tbh.

I suppose really you should get checked by a GP to make sure everything is okay physically and maybe try to ease yourself back in gently, then again, if you had minimal sec drive before I suspect you’ll have even less now after your DH kicked off.

@PRoseLegend Yes I’m breastfeeding both babies. I don’t use contraception as I have premature ovarian failure (babies are fertility treatment babies. I’m highly unlikely to fall pregnant naturally)

DH and I seem to find communication impossible these days. We both just end up shouting and saying vile things. He’s OK withbabies, but I’ll admit he’s not as good a dad as I thought he would be. There’s a lot of tension in general in our relationship atm.

Can't believe some of the answers on here like 'I'd just do it ' and 'can't you relive his frustration in other ways'

Here's the thing - if op doesn't want to have sex or do anything sexual she doesn't bloody have to!! She's got six month old twins ffs.

I tell my bloke to relive himself if he's that bothered. I refuse to force myself to have sex when I don't want it. I'm knackered dealing with a baby all day plus work.

Relieve obviously not relive

I think your lack of desire is very understandable. I cannot even imagine how tired you are with twins. If you ever get a break, just being left alone I imagine is the dream scenario!
I have one baby. And i am way too tired

I never wanted sex at all when breastfeeding I found my husband a complete turn off..I think it's our bodies natural instinct to protect our young when still feeding them so we don't get pregnant again.

I’ve gone through periods where I just couldn’t face having sex, after I lost my baby it felt like I would never do it again. I even told him I didn’t care if he wanted to get it elsewhere, I just didn’t want to know. Luckily he was patient and didn’t cheat and when I started feeling better in myself I felt better about having sex

It will come back to you. We didn’t have sex until our daughter was a year old, and she was a good sleeper. It was awkward but there was no pain (C Section too). It did take a while to get used to it again. It’s great now, though we usually schedule it in!

The difference is that my DH never asked me for it. Not once (slightly offended!). When we eventually did it it was because we’d got married the day before and thought we ought to.

Don’t put pressure on yourself, but it is important to spend some time together, whatever you do with that time.

@lipsticktraces
I think you've found the reason why libido is low. The lack of sex is a symptom of other relationship issues, especially if you're arguing about it a lot.
Is there a way you can communicate without shouting?
Eg having a "date night" but instead of going out and having sex (all those high expectations), stay home, and each prepare a list of things you feel you need to talk about, things you've felt hurt by etc, and make the night about really communicating with each other.
But not making it about blaming each other.

Eg saying things like "When you do/say this, it makes me feel this" rather than "You always _" or "You never" or anything blaming.
Agree to listen to each other, and the minute anyone gets shouty you stop and wait to calm down.

Or you could write letters instead of talking if that helps you shout less.
My husband and I often write letters when we've had a fight. The first letter is angry and venting (and it's not the one we actually read to each other), the second letter is the main points and what we think we can do to fix things.

After my children were born, I started having sex with my husband as soon as my doctor said it was ok. Even if I wasn't necessarily in the mood, it was wonderful for our relationship and helped to kick start my sex drive. When the intimacy in your marriage dies, big trouble lies ahead.

Just to clarify what I just wrote, my husband NEVER pressured me. Re-igniting our sex life is something I desperately wanted to do.