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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about sex after children?

96 replies

Lipsticktraces · 22/02/2019 22:39

Lying in bed feeling like crap after a row with DH.

Basically he tried it on earlier and I turned him down. We have six month old twins and my previously healthy sex drive is just none existent at the moment. However he has alleged that I’m just making excuses, that I would feel much better if I just had sex with him and (most confusingly) that there is nothing left inside of me anymoreConfused

Please speak to me honestly about what sex is usually like after having children. I hate feeling this way as well, but I just have no sex drive. We’ve done it twice sonc twins were born and I’ve found it uncomfortable both times.

Will I ever want sex again? Should I just force myself to do it? DH is always so moody these days and I’m pretty sure a large part of it is sexual frustration.

Am I normal/abnormal? Please tell me some of you have been here and tell me what you did about it.

OP posts:
tattooq · 23/02/2019 08:00

I actually had an OK sex drive after having DD, we had sex three weeks after I gave birth vaginally with no issues and I really wanted to. But once the sleep deprivation and touched out-ness crept in my sex drive diminished as I was so bone tired all the time. Then the nagging, groping and pestering from DP started, then he started taking himself out of the house all the time as if he wasn't getting sex he saw no reason to spend time with me. Now I have no interest in spending time with him, and he nags at me for reading or being on MN in the little time I have child free in the evenings when dd is asleep. He like your DH would tell me that it would be fine if I just did it, so I've kept having sex when I can bring myself to, which is maybe 4/5 times a month sometimes less. And the mechanics of the sex are fine, but I no longer have any desire to sleep with DP because he has been such a dickhead about it all. There is nothing more offputting than pestering. Our relationship is dead to be honest because the respect has gone. I do have a libido, just feel repulsed by DPs entitled attitude.

You need to have it out with your DH soon, it may be reparable for you at this stage. We've had too many discussions turn into rows over it now that I just can't be bothered anymore.

c24680 · 23/02/2019 08:02

Oh OP :(

Do you do everything for the babies with little help from DP? I don't think your relationship has run its course, your full or hormones and your sleep deprived so it's easy to say you wouldn't be bothered if he went out and didn't go back. I began to resent hubby because I felt I was doing everything for our child and around the house but it was all down to sleep deprivation and hormones!

It does get better with time, my DD is now 8 months and my relationship is getting back to 'normal' with hubby, granted it might take longer with twins, just keep calm and explain to him that your exhausted and sex is the last thing you want to do!

How about a little massage instead or a hot bath!

NameChangeNugget · 23/02/2019 08:05

Michaelbaubles, what a really balanced response. I wholeheartedly agree with all you say

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 23/02/2019 08:06

Sometimes there is merit in just girding your loins and doing it, even if you don't want to. I'd happily never have sex again but DP would never know as I go along with it and fake it til I make it. It doesn't take that long and it's an important part of a relationship.

Raisinbrain · 23/02/2019 08:15

I think it's perfectly normal to be uninterested in sex if you have six months old twins, especially if you're breastfeeding.
TBH I'm still waiting for my libido to come back and DS2 is 3 years 4 months.

Mumlovestoast · 23/02/2019 08:18

I’ve got 5 month old twins. I’m exhausted. I’m EBF too and I had elcs. DH has been amazing, we dtd just after 6 weeks and I won’t lie, it wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had, it was bloody painful to be honest. I do make an effort though. I couldn’t feel any less attractive. My hair is falling out in massive clumps, my arse is about 3 times the size it was before I got pregnant, my boobs are enormous and I have to hold them still so as not to cause actual earth movement. Also, how incredibly unsexy are nursing bras with a bit of boob pad sticking out 😂
Obviously it’s not like before we had the twins, and only last night he was looking at me like he fancied a bit, I told him there was zero chance, I’ve had screaming babies all day, I’m playing angry birds while I have a cup of tea then I’m going to sleep before I have to get up in an hour to feed them again. I’ll see how I feel later, he may get lucky. My brain still fancies him like mad even if the rest of me still needs to catch up.

Seline · 23/02/2019 08:23

OP I was furious at my husband for the end of my pregnancy and for a while after the birth. I just wanted to be alone with my babies and didn't want anyone around me really, I'd have been quite happy in a cave alone somewhere. I had the same feelings when I had my eldest. It's a deep primitive emotion and I found literally everyone to get on my nerves.

My theory is some women go into a very protective animalistic state in order to protect their children.

It wears off.

NabooThatsWho · 23/02/2019 08:29

OP were you happy in the relationship before you got pregnant? Was he a good partner?

nutbrownhare15 · 23/02/2019 08:36

I agree that noone should feel pressured to have sex if they don't want to, I certainly didn't for over a year. It's fine for partners to express hopes and desires but not to pester. And the sexiest thing they can do is be supportive and help their wife to feel less tired and overwhelmed by taking up their share of parenting and household duties. There are also good biological reasons for not being in the mood. Saying that, I know for some women they want to want to but can't get past not being in the mood (not saying this is you op), this is common even where couples haven't recently had a baby. In those circumstances I'd highly recommend both partners read Come as you are by Emily Nygoski on how female sexual arousal actually works and (if you want to)how to encourage it.

iceskatekate · 23/02/2019 10:26

It sounds like there are major issue in your relationship op so I think it's more to this than just the sex issue?

We started having sex again very quickly after I had our twins but it definitely went down to once a weekish which was a lot less than usual for us.

There was definitely times where I didn't really feel like it but once we started I enjoyed it. It's only now after 3 years our sex life is back to normal.

You really shouldn't be pressurised into having sex when you don't want to op. Is your husband pulling his weight with the babies and housework?

Pernickity1 · 23/02/2019 11:08

I began to resent hubby because I felt I was doing everything for our child and around the house but it was all down to sleep deprivation and hormones!

But were you doing everything? I imagine he wasn’t properly pulling his weight if you felt that way? So how could it just be down to hormones?

I really resonate with your posts OP. I was so sure my DH would be a great dad that it was a huge disappointment when that turned out not to be the case. I also often think if he fucked off I wouldn’t care less (in my darker rage-fueled moments I’ve wished he would do me a favour and die Blush never vocalised that one!)

With DD1 I remember reading on here not to make any life changing decisions in the first year after a baby’s birth. I found it good advice and things got back on track somewhat, but after DD2 I’m not sure we’ll recover... I hold too much resentment and he doesn’t seem happy either (he feels “nagged” and “disrespected” ha!) DD2 is 15 months now so I’ll see if I can muster up some enthusiasm in the next few months to try and salvage my marriage but it’s not looking hopeful...

Don’t give in and have sex if you don’t want it. You’re under no obligation.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 23/02/2019 11:15

He doesn’t really pull his weight. He does the washing up and sometimes cooks.
All cleaning, hoovering, dusting, washing babies clothes etc falls to me.
I can’t help being resentful of his night of unbroken sleep and 8am wake up times as well. He’s an OK dad, but he never takes them out alone or anything.

Yes I’m breastfeeding which I know isn’t a libido enhancer.

I’d probably feel more inclined to shag him if he occasionally bathed the babies of his own volition it took them out in the pram for an hour!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 23/02/2019 11:16

@Pernikity1 it’s such a blow when they aren’t the dads you expected isint it?

I remember coming back from baby massage a while ago and asking DH if he wanted me to teach him some of the techniques. I was utterly crushed when he said noSad

OP posts:
Seline · 23/02/2019 11:37

Have you asked him why he doesn't? My DH wouldn't change DDs nappy for ages and it's because he was worried about how to clean a girl properly and didn't want to do it wrong and give her a UTI. He was massively over thinking it and he's fine now I showed him how to do it.

ShastaBeast · 23/02/2019 11:48

Tell him that, it may incentivise him to be more helpful or give you a lie in.

Breastfeeding and mini pill are killers too. It does get back to normal but takes time - hormones, healing and tiredness. It’s more likely to hurt or feel tight if you’re not into it. He needs to be patient.

LlamaPink · 23/02/2019 11:54

This thread is so depressing.

So many women having sex' whilst experiencing pain or giving handjob just to keep him satisfied Hmm

If he is horny he can sort himself. We are not void vessels for men's pleasure.

Pernickity1 · 23/02/2019 12:17

Sad I would be crushed by that too Lipsticktraces.

I’m not an overly sensitive person by any stretch (quite the opposite usually) but I went around with a very heavy heart for the first 9 months or so of DD1s life. I felt so wounded and hurt. It wasn’t PND it was purely down to his behaviour. It was like the whole basis of the relationship was a lie and we weren’t in it “together” at all. He didn’t change a single nappy until she was 3 months old! And only then because I literally stood over him and forced him to do it.

There’s no hurt anymore - just anger. The one positive is it’s made me feel somewhat empowered that I can do this without him, it’s definitely instilled a strength I didn’t posses pre-children.

I can’t even imagine how difficult it is having such little support with twins especially since you’re tandem feeding. You’re clearly doing an amazing job OP I hope things improve for you soon x

Seline · 23/02/2019 13:03

So many women having sex' whilst experiencing pain or giving handjob just to keep him satisfied

Relationships are a two way thing. I care about my husband and his feelings. I also feel better myself when having regular sex and the longer I let it go without it the more nervous/awkward it seems. So personally I'd rather just continue even if I'm not 100% into it because it encourages intimacy and helps maintain a sense of closeness.

I don't see why that is depressing. Hmm

gluteustothemaximus · 23/02/2019 13:49

Relationships are a two way thing. I care about my husband and his feelings.

And he should care about yours. There is no way that I would expect my husband's duties to include pleasuring me when he is exhausted/not in the mood for sex. In fact it would feel downright abusive to have someone get me off, that wasn't into it/didn't want to do it.

If one of you is in the mood, and one isn't, have a wank.

The idea that women should just go ahead regardless of wanting to, or being in pain, perpetuates the idea that sex is a right in a relationship, whereas it isn't. It's a shared intimate experience. Emphasis on the word shared.

Seline · 23/02/2019 14:43

That's up to you but personally I think if you don't have sex for weeks and months on end then it doesn't bode well for the relationship. I'm in it for the long haul so I'll put up with mild discomfort in order to gain the end goal of a happy living relationship.

It's up to each couple to decide what they're comfortable with. I'd be pretty upset if my husband just refused to have sex for weeks so I understand why he would if I did that.

poppycity · 23/02/2019 14:53

OP what you feel is so normal please don't be hard on yourself or feel guilt. It might be helpful to have a chat with your dh about it not at a time he's wanting sex, but maybe even just going out for a sunday lunch while your parents baby-sit and talking to him about how you feel.

I think you need to start slow, have a bath together, snuggle on the couch, kiss. No pressure. It takes time. The body is different, breastfeeding dries you up for sure and false lubricant isn't the same, though very very helpful. Also remember the vagina is a muscle, without use it often does feel tighter etc.

Why don't you both commit to some more intimacy. Try and get out once a week together even for a couple hours. Try to set one evening a week aside where after the babies are in bed you sit at a table and have a nice meal together. Use candle light, have a take away, whatever makes it work for you. I think sometimes you need to remember why you fell in love with that person and chose to spend your life together. Very hard in new Mummy mode, especially with twins.

poppycity · 23/02/2019 14:56

OP I'd also suggest you ask him to commit to some time with just him and the babies every week. It could be Saturday mornings taking them for a walk for an hour and a half every Saturday morning. I think twins are especially overwhelming of course, and he may feel that, but it won't get better if he doesn't grow in confidence. That hour and a half can be your time to do what you want: read, have a long bath, get your nails done, nap, see a friend. But I think he has to start and commit and make it happen.

Seline · 23/02/2019 15:47

think twins are especially overwhelming of course, and he may feel that, but it won't get better if he doesn't grow in confidence.

This is very true. Twins are terrifying at first but you do adjust.

mrssunshinexxx · 23/02/2019 15:55

Lipstick why do you have to tell your parents it's for you to have sex just tell them you need some time as a couple that could mean anything

ElizabethMountbatten · 23/02/2019 16:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.