To ask about sex after children?

[Lipsticktraces]

Lying in bed feeling like crap after a row with DH.

Basically he tried it on earlier and I turned him down. We have six month old twins and my previously healthy sex drive is just none existent at the moment. However he has alleged that I’m just making excuses, that I would feel much better if I just had sex with him and (most confusingly) that there is nothing left inside of me anymore

Please speak to me honestly about what sex is usually like after having children. I hate feeling this way as well, but I just have no sex drive. We’ve done it twice sonc twins were born and I’ve found it uncomfortable both times.

Will I ever want sex again? Should I just force myself to do it? DH is always so moody these days and I’m pretty sure a large part of it is sexual frustration.

Am I normal/abnormal? Please tell me some of you have been here and tell me what you did about it.

Also for me, I couldn't do it until I looked normal again. I had to have my stomach almost flat and my boobs back to normal before I'd let my husband do much, I couldn't face being seen looking less than I normally do.

Again that's just me. My sex drive increased after I looked better.

Totally agree @Kittykat93, some of these responses feel a bit barely veiled ‘it’s your wifely duty’. It’s not. Yes sex is an important part of most intimate relationships, but it’s not something I think we do to keep partners happy. Both need to realise that we don’t have a right to the other persons body and pressuring for sex IMO is so unacceptable. He should ask if he wants it, accept if you say no, and have an adult conversation about his feelings if he doesn’t like it. BUT, that said, sleep deprivation makes a rational adult conversation v hard. I read that having a baby makes most relationships deteriorate over the first year but they are likely to get back to how they were prior to the kids. That was my experience. So much pressure on you both, the relationship takes a hit and bickering increases. Which is not sexy. But it passes. We didn’t have a huge amount of sex during the first year. Big deal! Go with your feelings OP, but listen to his and try to talk.

OP, I have 3 kids. After each one I lost my libido completely. I had DD1 with my ex and after she was born he was a complete sex-pest. Constantly pestering me, guilt tripping me and trying to fondle me at the most inappropriate moments. It was a huge turnoff and I ended up really resenting him for his behaviour. We lasted 18 months after she was born and I think our split had a lot to do with the lack of sex - it was a reason for him to split, more more of a wake up call to the reality of what a selfish, immature prick he was on my side.
Other two kids are with my DH of 17 years. While he also struggled with the lack of sex after the kids were born, he behaved completely different. No pressure, no sulking, no groping. He just let me get on with things until after a few months I got back to myself. His attitude helped enormously!
I do have to say: even though our sex life is amazing now and quite adventurous, his libido is definitely higher than mine. And yes - there are times now when he initiated sex and I’m not hugely in the mood but will go with it anyway because I know once we are in the middle of it I will enjoy myself (I only ever do this when I think I’ll probably get turned on after some effort on his part, never when I’m really really not up for it!). Because I also know the more sex I have the more sex I want, and vice versa, and I know a healthy sex life is an important part of our relationship.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: it’s normal to lose your libido for a while after giving birth - especially if you’re dealing with twins!! And sometimes, in order to kickstart your sex life again, it might be an idea to go with it, even if you’re not really in the mood at the time. BUT: if your husband constantly pesters you and sulks over the lack of sex then you will need to have a word with him, as nothing is more off-putting than feeling under constant pressure to have sex!

Being tired is the biggest factor in not being in the mood. You shouldn't just 'do it' to keep him happy

It will get better.

Spending time together is important. It doesn't have to be sex though.

While he also struggled with the lack of sex after the kids were born, he behaved completely different. No pressure, no sulking, no groping. He just let me get on with things until after a few months I got back to myself. His attitude helped enormously!

This is so true.

All normal. I remember watching some sex therapist person on tv, and she said it takes two years to get your sex life back to how it was, after a baby. When i was breastfeeding half the night and looking after a baby and toddler all day long, I used to fantasise about a soft bed, fluffy duvet, and no-one else there. Just blissful peace and sleep !
All I can say is that it gets better, but it takes time.

I agree with a pp, 'relieving his frustration' is just ick. Men are perfectly capable of sorting themselves out. I only breastfed for the first couple of months with each baby so my libido returned pretty quickly each time, but if it hadn't no way would I be having sex just for someone else's sake, especially if it was painful. Sex is for mutual pleasure, if it's not fun for both of us it doesn't happen. Birth/baby related issues aside, it sounds like there is other stuff going on that needs to be sorted out.

@aquamarine That’s how I felt too. I missed that aspect of our relationship and wanted it back badly. OH never pressured me, I did put too much I pressure on myself though, I wanted everything back to
normal but after the last baby it took so much longer than before!

@lipsticktraces I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear, I didn’t mean for you to ask someone to babysit just so you could have sex. I just meant for you to both spend some child free time together and be just a couple for a bit - talk, make dinner together, go
out somewhere, whatever it is you liked to do before having your little ones. Some time together as a
couple not just as parents now and then will do you good in lots of ways and may help reignite the spark. If nothing else it would go a long way to helping communication between you both x

Sex does change once you have children.

You're exhausted, puked on, sweaty, struggling to find 2 minutes just to be the you you were before you had the babies. It's perfectly understandable not to want to have sex right at the moment.

Your husband should understand that no means no and not put any pressure on you to please him. Do not have sex just because he wants to. You have to want to too.

My husband would be sleeping on the couch if he tried this shit with me.

After ds1 I was terrified (long Labour, episiotomy) but around 7 weeks in we gave it a go. Was fine. Every fee weeks/weekly after.

Ds2 I was crazy horny within a week! Still waited around 7 weeks and is probs every 2/3 weeks now at a year, much to DH annoyance. But 2 under 2 is knackering! So I don't care.

Trouble is I don’t even want to spend time with him these days. He gets on my nerves 98% of the time.

No doubt he’ll still be annoyed about it today which I will have to deal with despite being awake every ninety minutes overnight and awake since 6am. He’ll be asleep in the spare room until 8 am and he’ll still complain about being tired.

I just can’t be arsed with him quite frankly.

And also I don’t particularly want to reclaim the old me or become who I was before I had the babies again. The old me was sad, desperate for children and terrified I’d never have them due to fertility problems. The me with babies feels rightly or wrongly that I don’t need anything or anybody else to feel happy right now. Perhaps I need to change my attitude...

You shouldn't do it just because he's pressuring you. I didn't enjoy sex until I stopped breastfeeding.. which was when my DD was 18 months. When I stopped she starting sleeping better and I think that was a big factor.

Thankfully my DH never put pressure on me. We probably did it only a handul times the year after she was born. I found it incredibly uncomfortable and initially I thought it was because I'd had episiotomy but I think it was more to do with breastfeeding/ being exhausted etc.

Not sleeping for more than two hours in a row for months is incredibly trying. Your DH is being a dick. Get him tp sleep in with you one night, see if he still feels in the mood after a crap night's sleep (or several months worth)!

It sounds like there are more issues than just sex in your relationship. I wouldn't want sex with someone moody who shouted at me either. You don't have to have sex if you don't want it, not to keep him happy. Do you even want to be with him?

@RoseReally there’s nowhere for him to sleep in the bedroom. Boy twin sleeps in with me so he’s have to go back in his cot if DH wanted bed. Then I’d be up and down all night lifting him and even more exhausted.

I feel like I can’t go on much longer with such interrupted sleep. I’m currently in bed feeding babies and dying of thirst and hunger.

I just don’t know how to avoid becoming so resentful when I’m the one dealing with all the night times and all the stuff on the morning everyday. Then I’m expected to be the sexy wife who puts out as well. I could cry today.

He is being an arse.

I have 3DC, all were BF for years. The first two were very close together so only had sex a handful of times between them and when I was pregnant with DD2 we didn't have any sex once I knew I was pregnant (my other pregnancies made me want more sex not less), then I had a tear that took a long time to heal so sex was painful for a long time after she was born and with 2 under 2 I really was too tired to think about sex. DH knew to never try to initiate sex but we did cuddle a lot. I didn't really get my sex drive back until DD2 was 2.5 yo. DH now refers to it as 'the dry period'. I then immediately got pregnant again. When DS was born my sex drive declined again and didn't recover until he was 2.5yo. Don't know what was so magical about 2.5yo, I was still BFing, can't remember if it was related to STTN. Might have been. When I was BFing I didn't want DH touching my breasts at all but afterwards they seemed more sensitive (in a good way) so there's long term positives.

I think there's a lot of pressure on women to quickly recover from pregnancy but I think you just have to give it time. And your DH needs to have a wank in the shower and not be such an arse to you. He doesn't have a God given right to sex. If he wants it he has to take the pressure off, both by not asking for sex but also by doing more in the house and with the children. Men who do housework get more sex!

@Shoxfordian at the minute I wouldn’t be bothered if he went out and never came back! I don’t want to do anything hasty though as I’m not in a good frame of mind right now due to the sleep deprivation.

I imagine it hurts / feels uncomfortable because you aren't fully turned on and wanting to engage in sex????

Don't be having sex for any reason other than wanting to.... really wanting to.

Men are really unrealistic when it comes to this stuff. After kids and especially in that first terrible year they should be able to take one look at their shattered partner and realise sex is still pretty low down on the list.

OP, don’t feel pressured and to any men out there, do not pressure your wives for sex, especially when they are post part in or breastfeeding. It only adds to the pain and suffering in the world.

It seems very much like there are two sides here. From your perspective he’s nagging you for sex and sulking and taking it out on you.

From his perspective, you’ve literally pushed him out of the relationship - he can’t even sleep in his own bed, you don’t rate him as a father, you wouldn’t care if he wasn’t there at all...so he’s trying to reclaim some closeness and some value in the relationship. Ok, in a clumsy way that isn’t working but I can see why he wants to have sex.

So maybe he is a waste of space and a burden on you, and that’s something you need to address. But this is not about sex really.

My libido was not great for a long time. We probably had sex a bit less than dh wanted, but that was ok. The sex definitely wasn’t much about me. But, it did come back, and (sorry) 15 years later better than ever.

I’d explain to dh that pain, exhaustion, and low libido are not exactly making sex appealing right now. That the sexiest thing he could do was share the load with the dc and that you for your part will hope to keep some closeness in your relationship, but not always sex as it was before. It is about compromise, to a certain extent, so it depends on what he compromises on what you will want to do.

@Lipsticktraces ah I see what you mean. I sympathise, I really do. My mat leave is a complete blur, I find it quite hard to remember parts because I was so exhausted - and I only had one! It sounds like your 'D'H hasn't quite realises how much your life (lives) has changed. Even though my DH was good about the lack of sex, he didn't really get the sleep deprivation thing until we went on holiday and he had to sleep in the same room as me and DD. He spent a lot of time complaining about how tired he was! Before that he used to often 'accidentally' wake DD up before he left for work at 6 or 7. I used to scream at him and he only 'got it' after that trip.

Sleep deprivation can be devastatingly hard. At least it was for me. I don't know if there's anyway you can get him to realise that.

My daughter is 11 months old, and we haven't had sex since she was conceived.

Having said that, neither of us were particularly interested before (we decided to try for a baby, had sex once when I thought I might be ovulating and fortunately that was enough!).

We have a very happy and healthy relationship but I can completley see why it would be a problem if it was one-sided.

Some of the replies on here are so depressing :( yes OP just lie back and think of England while he bashes away at your sore bits! Christ!
OP after my DD I didn't have sex for about 16 months (also didn't for the majority of the pregnancy).
You have twins, you are breastfeeding, you are feeling exhausted and low (sorry I can't remember if you mentioned depression? If so please see a Dr if you haven't already💐) you are doing SO MUCH. All of your energy right now is going into those babies and for the first year or so that's just how it is! Please don't feel pressured to have sex if you don't want to. To be honest it sounds as if your relationship has run its course and I think your low libido is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
Please don't be coerced into sex, you do not owe him sex. I'm assuming he has working hands (and the entire night to himself!)

Sorry if this has been asked already as I haven’t read the full thread yet- but are you breastfeeding? I had DD1, bf her for 2yrs, in that time I got pregnant with DD2 and bf her for 18months. It’s only now, having not bf for just under a year, that my sex drive is anything like back to normal. It’s been five years of me feeling very unsexual. I’ve been a Mother first and a wife second in this regard for sure. Give yourself a break- and your husband should be giving you one too. Your body has been through a lot and you aren’t in the headspace.