To ask about sex after children?

[Lipsticktraces]

Lying in bed feeling like crap after a row with DH.

Basically he tried it on earlier and I turned him down. We have six month old twins and my previously healthy sex drive is just none existent at the moment. However he has alleged that I’m just making excuses, that I would feel much better if I just had sex with him and (most confusingly) that there is nothing left inside of me anymore

Please speak to me honestly about what sex is usually like after having children. I hate feeling this way as well, but I just have no sex drive. We’ve done it twice sonc twins were born and I’ve found it uncomfortable both times.

Will I ever want sex again? Should I just force myself to do it? DH is always so moody these days and I’m pretty sure a large part of it is sexual frustration.

Am I normal/abnormal? Please tell me some of you have been here and tell me what you did about it.

I still don't have my sex drive back and my son is 4 now. Seems to be a mix of disability (which was made a lot worse after giving birth) and tiredness. I have no desire at all.

Doesn't help that I am terrified of having another baby..and I cannot afford to get sterylised, GP refuses as I may change my mind (despite GP saying it would be a disaster with the amount of drugs I am on) and he choses not to (fair enough, his choice). So I am also scared of sex, even when using 2 forms of contraception the rare times we do it. My sister just got pregnant despite being on the injection and using condoms, which does not help my paranoia.#

So for me no, sex drive didn't come back. Was raging a couple of months after DD came though.

I find it unpleasant that he expects you to have sex when he knows it's painful and that you don't want to. And then that he sulks and is unpleasant to you when you don't want to.

Does he understand how that comes across?

He would be better served to think about ways to help you not be so tired and not be so touched out from dealing with breastfeeding twins. That would actually help and be respectful of you.

I’m a mum of three (no twins though) and I’ve always found that after not having sex for a while I can get used to not having it and not really feel the urge any more. But once I break the cycle I’m back to having my usual drive right away.

I actually found our sex life improved post-babies, as I used to be very conscious of my body, but once DH witnessed the “miracle of birth” and still found me sexy it was a lot easier to let it all hang out.

You have very young twins are sleep deprived and breastfeeding them. I think you are doing a great job and not surprised you don't have energy/desire for sex! Especially as you ate resenting your DH.

I think it is worth a talk to say you are both going through one of the most intense periods of your life and it will get easier at some point. Until that point you need to ride it out (pardon the pun).

First stop would be suggesting some time for yourself - no.pressure for anything sexy, just getting dinner out of a relative will babysit. Someone to take them on a Sunday morning so you can both get some rest. I'm aware both me and DH are working hard ( in different ways) and thst break together means you don't feel guilt/resent the other.

If issues persist then think about counselling before doing anything drastic. Good luck x

I had sex after 4 months which was fine but my biggest issue was I was all 'touched out.' When dd was asleep I just wanted space and peace not more sweaty bodies. I did have sex occasionally when I was really in the mood but the over touched feeling lasted until dd was around 4

It took 18 months after my DS before my desire to have sex returned. Breastfeeding doesn’t help, plus the exhaustion and all the work. I also went through the phase of not being able to stand DP and everything he did was irritating, that feeling passed at about 12 months. My periods started at 3 months, I was breastfeeding and sleep deprived.
Things have got progressively better and DP doesn’t hassle for sex but they are not back to normal.
Sex didn’t hurt but orgasms did and are still hard to find. For me it’s been like learning it all again.

I'm having the opposite problem. My husband rarely tries it on anymore. We didn't have very much sex before we had our 18 month old anyway maybe twice a month. But now lucky of its once a month.

We went away recently and after a few beers he expressed that we rarely have sex because things don't feel the same as he did and what can we do to fix it. I told him he had insulted me and I know it doesn't feel the same but it doesnt mean you stop trying. And it's a massive blow to my self esteem him saying that as I already am self conscious about my down below now.

Just had an incident this morning where he sent me a pic of his toilet (I know it's gross he does it all the time 🙄 he has a weird sense of humour ) so I tried to send him a pic of my undercarriage as a reply and got a very bad angle 🤣 but it didn't look like anything from the black lagoon like he made out. He point blank laughed and said it looked like a casum whatever that means. I feel so low now. It's just made me think will we ever return to having sex and will he go off with someone else because it's not the same with me anymore. He's really pissed me off and upset me. And I don't know what else to do because we have has the conversation about little sex but don't know how to fix it and he hasn't made the effort. I try to initiate but I find it very hard due to low self esteem which days like this doesn't help.
I know there are other ways of being intimate but he doesn't do any of that but expects it from me. He's very much put it in do the job and it's done (sorry if tmi 🤣😒) any advice would be great. anyone gone through the same thing.

If you're not ready then don't feel pressured but I do find the longer you leave it the harder it is. It's not fair to be told you are making excuses. They're not the ones who's body has been through it and you're physically and emotionally drained!

Cant believe posters telling you to just do it or relieve him in other ways. If you don't want it, tell him no. He has hands to have a wank.

I didnt have sex for well oved a year because i didnt want to.

There is never any obligation to have sex with your DH or vicer verser

I genuinely feel ill reading this thread. So many women having sex when they don't want to.

Your DH needs to give you a break! You have six month old twins. He’s a dick to be hassling you for sex. I can’t hear this entitled attitude so many men seem to have. You are not a robot!

Can’t bear

I’ve had two children, both sections and both breast fed.

After my first baby we didn’t have decided for over a year, with the second baby it was even longer.

I was just so exhausted, so touched out, with no sex drive whatsoever, that I simply wasn’t interested.

When our sex life recommenced it was awkward and painful at times but I pushed through it because I was scared that if I didn’t jump back in the saddle, I never would.

Across the space of 6 years, due to pregnancy and post baby feelings, including lack of sex drive, we didn’t have sex for about 4 of them.

I stoped breast feeding my eldest about 4 months ago (he’s just over 3 years old)!and I still don’t like my breasts being touched and I still don’t have a real sex drive. I do it because it’s part of a healthy relationship, and I enjoy it once we get going, but I don’t have any urges for it and could happily go without.

Like I said though, I’ve been either pregnant or breast feeding for the last 6 years straight so maybe my hormones are all off kilter and one day I will wake up with a sex drive again? Who knows.

You are completely normal OP - sex would be the last thing on my mind in your circumstances

OP give yourself a break.
You are rightly putting the babies first.
Why oh why would a breastfeeding mum of twins who does all night wakings and ao much more, even have to consider doing something she finds unpleasant and painful, just because a man wants her to for his pleasure?
Are we in 1950s Franco's Spain? Imagine it the other way around. If a man were asked to put himself in a vulnerable position, cause himself physical pain and discomfort, just because his partner fancied it, that would not be ok.
It's so wrong a vulnerable, physically exhausted woman, should be made to feel she has to physically please a grown adult.
You have so many demands on your body and emotions right now.
Put it out of your mind.
He can wait.
Enjoy your tiny babies.

I had awful pain during sex after my c section but have had two VBAC births since and had no pain at all after, as if nothing had happened or changed. I'm always sad when I hear women who want an elective c section because they think it will keep them more intact for sex...my experience is that it is the worst possible idea.

@Lipsticktraces, you are so, so, so normal! Who would be in the mood for sex when you've had hardly any sleep for months on end, you're breastfeeding TWO tiny babies - who are no doubt almost constantly either attached to you or in your arms, getting very little help around the house and being made to feel like a "bad wife" for it!

DH and I had very little sex in the year after DD1 eas born - just enough to conceive DD2! But our sex life after DD2 arrived was stone dead for a year afterwards (thanks PND). Once I started to feel a little happier (and the drugs kicked in!), I was able to get a bit more "in the mood" and things got back into their stride. We're not back to our pre-children frequency, but we now have 11 & 13 year old DDs who stay up pretty late and are nearly always home, so we have different 'issues' to contend with!

If your DH is pressurising you, not pulling his weight around the home and failing to help with the children, it's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. I would sit him down and talk to him about it, if he starts pitching in it's surprising how much more attractive the idea might seem!

When DD1 got to about 5 months and could go for a few hours without BFing, DH started taking her out in the papoose for a long walk on the hills each Saturday afternoon. I'd spend the time having a soak in the bath and a bit of a pamper - it's amazing what that time on my own, just relaxing with no baby needing me (and the very fact that my DH was happily offering to take DD out on his own) did for my libido!

@lucky313ven do you think your husband might be the reason for your low self esteem? He sounds awful.

You’re perfectly normal.

You carried twins and only had your babies (two for gods sake!!!l) 6 months ago! My youngest was a singleton and it took ages for me to have sex. Your body is physically on demand by other humans all day. The last thing you want to be is a sex doll for your husband. It’s just another body wanting you to service it.

Plus breastfeeding is giving you all your endorphins which means you don’t need them from sex.

Your husband is an adult. He can satisfy his own sexual urges and be a bit more understanding surely? He hasn’t had to physically go through what you have. You’re not a wank sock. You’re knackered.

Give yourself time.

This thread is from 8 months ago! It’s an interesting thread and I’m sure helpful to people but the OPs situation is possible quite different now

18 months ago?! Lockdown has messed with my maths

She's not dealing with 6 month old twins any more! They're already 2 years old!

I hope things have improved for you, OP