To think children do not always come first?

[clairemcnam]

Adults matter too. And their needs and wants also matter.

[funinthesun19]

bringincrazyback I can’t work out whether EllenMP’s post is sarcastic or not. I sure hope it is!

[Zeezee82]

I put my DCs before DH because that’s how I was raised. DH struggles with this as his upbringing was very different

[tolerable]

my general think is. If mums ok,the kids are too. am single parent with little or no immediate family nearby. its a bit chicken/egg..and theres obvious variability factor and "dependant" isnt one

[Crunched]

The strongest , longest marriages I know, in fact the ONLY ones where mum is still married to dad after 25 yrs , are where both parents have prioritised their relationship
Married (happily) 30 years. DH and I prioritise our relationship but not to the exclusion of DC.When the DC were young, priorities were not date nights, weekends away as you suggest. The strongest thing about our partnership was (is!) the shared family love between us and our children. The first time we both went away overnight without DC, the youngest, of 3, was 5. We had sitters for nights out but we rarely (ever?) went out as a couple.
We can live the high life now, and we do. The student DC complain we are never at home.
My DH had an aunt who told me my ILs would love to have the DC overnight and, for the sake of my marriage I should go away for a night of “romance” as both her DC did. Both my DHs cousins are now divorced.
I’m just making the point that couples do not have to put their needs above the DCs need. We all have the same needs: love, respect, security.

[Yabbers]

I think children’s needs come before petulant adults who complain about children being catered for.

[lerrimknowyouretheyir]

Adult wants never trump children’s needs. But the opposite is also true, and children’s wants don’t trump adult needs. But in my eyes, children’s needs do trump adult needs

Agree with this broadly.
I’d also say that imo children’s wants don’t automatically trump an adults. I always put my child’s needs before my own but if I’m honest I probably put my own wants above that of my child the majority of the time. She seems pretty happy and well adjusted though so I can only assume I’m not doing untold damage.

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

I worry for any child where a parents thinks their needs comes before those of their child.

[user1467536289]

Claire, I don't understand what your issue is? You keep throwing in random points - i.e relative having use of one of your rooms - I have lost interest, sorry

[MadAboutWands]

I put my dcs before me and DH before me too with the stupid idea that peole would be looking after me as I am looking after them. So not always putting themselves first.

What I’ve learnt from that is that you are the only person responsible for your own wellbeing. No one else will be looking afetr you as well as you will.
Self care is essential. Essential to your ow wellbeing. Essential to the wellbeing of your dcs. If you run yourself down so much you end up ill (which I have done), put them always before you so you have no interests outside them that still exist, no circle of friend that isn’t children related etc.. then you are doing yourself and your dcs a disfavour.

So nowdays thé need of my dcs are just as important as mines. Not more not less. I’m refusing to be a martyr anymore (which is very easy to do if you do put your dcs needs always before yours). I am just as valuable as they are and no way I will always ‘put them first’ if that also means I’m the one suffering from it.

And YY about responsibility according to the age of the dcs. THAT is actually putting j’y dcs first as it is often easier to do stuff yourself when they are ylung. But teaching them responsibility, to be independant (as reasonable according to their age too) is imo an essential part of parenting.

[MadAboutWands]

I worry for any child where a parents thinks their needs comes before those of their child.

I’m not sure why the needs of a child has to be either above or under the Ines if an adult.
Why can’t they be just as important as each other, at the same level?
If the needs of everyone is considered as important, THEN you can balance everyone’s need. And you also teach children (esp bouts) thatthe needs of a woman ARE important too rather than skmeth8ng to out at the bottom of the pile which is what happens most of the time in our society.

[hauteperformance]

Children's needs come first, needs not wants, a pp has said this and I agree.

Children's needs come first as they are reliant on us and cannot meet their own needs. Adults are supposed to be able to meet their own needs without the children around them missing out on having their needs met, I thought.

I think it is fair to say that some adults are needier than others, and the adults who are not so needy are going to find being a parent and giving love and support to others easier than a more needy person. Also more likely to make better judgements such as getting kids to give up a room temporarily - sometimes that would be fine and sometimes not.

People who are quite robust and who understand what children need and who want to meet the children's needs are likely to be better parents, maybe?

[starzig]

I hate When they say 10 people died. 3 of them children.
No. Just 10 people died.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Agree with this. My children's 'wants' will not trump another family member's needs.

We all have to work together as a family and teaching children this is important. Really, really important. I really dislike seeing the results of over-indulgent parenting and it is quite obvious too.

[Fabaunt]

I’m child free at the moment so no children come before me and my partner. We would put both of us and each other before children family members.

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

Children and those who haven't got children don't understand what responsibility is

Lol. I wish I didn't know what responsibility was!

[Spotsmum]

No, they are not always the most important thing. Prioritise feeding, sheltering and taking care of their needs. They do not get to decide what takeaway we get, what programme we watch, when we leave the restaurant. They're children, and I am their parent, not their best friend.

[Auntiepatricia]

For basics, kids come first. For things that are fine either way and wants rather than needs then it’s a balance and it’s ok for the adult to come first sometimes.

[TheresACatInMyLaundryBasket]

Well it depends.
Child needs something vs adult wants something, then child comes first
Adult needs something vs child wants something, reverse.

Generally, needs trump wants. (Childs need for stable home trumps adults want to have more kids/a new partner etc)

[VerbenaGirl]

I often think back to the advice you get on a plane - for grown ups to take their oxygen first, so that they stay conscious and therefore able to give oxygen to their children. Obviously quite an extreme example! But looking after yourself does put you in a better place to look after others - so everyone is looked after.

[Meowandthen]

Children’s welfare yes, their wants then no. Children do not get to choose how every day is spent, what they eat all the time etc. There are times when children need to learn the life lesson that not everyone gets what they want all the time.

[angelfacecuti75]

I think you are right. Everyone has needs. I think of mine as a flexible approach sometimes the child needs it (attention etc) amd then sometimes the adult needs it. Not on a neglectful scale obviously, just to stop you from going insane mainly lol.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Have seen quite a few dcs at 18 live at home - unemployed and directionless - was it because their parents didn't put them first? - it didn't look that way but I didn't live in their house, they were always pandered to quite a bit when we spent time together, it always looked like their needs and wants were more important than anyone else's

There is a difference between pandering to a child and getting to know that child, taking account of their personality and guiding them which takes a lot of input. Are you sure that in pandering to a child the adult isnt just buying time away from their children.

Also although not married Dp and I have been together nearly 40 years which means not every 25 year partnership is based on the adults putting themselves first.
Dp and I have only once been out together, on our own without the dc since they were born.

[MamaDane]

Personally I think: adults' wants > children's wants, but children's needs > adults' needs as well as children's needs > adults' wants and adults' needs > children's wants.

Obviously it still depends on the individual situation.

[MamaDane]

Oh and I'm talking about relatives not strangers through.
My DP would be above any random child of course