To think children do not always come first?

[clairemcnam]

Adults matter too. And their needs and wants also matter.

Depends on the circumstances. My husband was at death’s door a year ago. At that point the came first. My daughter lost a child 3 years ago, at that point she came first. My son has his GCSEs in 3 months, at the moment he comes first. In 4 months I’ll come first 🤪

The very best scenario for children is a strong stable safe family environment with (if possible two) parents that love, Trust and support each other and provide a stimulating, creative environment which encourages independence within defined boundaries. This is best achieved by parents taking some time to themselves away from children to reinforce their own relationship as a couple rather than just parents.

The strongest , longest marriages I know, in fact the ONLY ones where mum is still married to dad after 25 yrs , are where both parents have prioritised their relationship. Taking time for it. Taking weekends together (with kids at gps or staying with friends ) , regular date nights etc. and NOT focusing on the children to the exclusion of everything else, especially their relationship.

Neither matter more but as children (especially young ones) can't meet their own needs, often the adult has to put theirs aside.

Also some parents or adults in general chose to put kids first as they enjoy the adoration from children.

Also some parents or adults in general chose to put kids first as they enjoy the adoration from children.

I'm not sure that's the reason. IME children accept the status quo and expect things to continue as they have previously. They won't adore their parents more for meeting their needs (indeed, some needs, such as exercise, sleep and a balanced diet, some children would rather not be met!) I can't speak for everyone, but I would put my child's needs (not wants, there is a difference) first because I want them to be happy, healthy and safe and to feel secure.

Agree @ReaganSomerset

I think some people like to put their children's wants first for adoration, not needs.

I think as long as you aren't overly self absorbed putting your child's needs first just comes naturally. For most anyway.

Our basic survival needs, shelter, food, clothing etc are met.

There are other "needs" that are important in the long run such as functional skills. E.g. My DCs floor was full of clothes. They need clean clothes. They do not want to put the clothes on the basket. I do not want to spend 15 minutes bickering over a job that takes me less than 2 minutes. They need the skills to look after themselves long term and I am not their life-long personal slave. So I suck up my want for a quiet life and override their want to be doing anything else other than excavating their bedroom floor and I prioritise the longer term need for the DCs to have some self sufficiency skills.

It's a nice day. My DCs need to burn off energy every day for us all to have a happy life. DS1 would rather play minecraft. DS1 does not want to to to the park. DS1 does not want to go to that park. DS1 is overridden. DS1 actually has a great time once he's there. It was nice for me to get sunshine and fresh air, but an hour hanging around observing kids playing is dull. I'd rather be having a run, but the kids need supervising so I had to do my run at the arse end of the day when DH was in.

Most of the time, parenting is made up of more trivial "greater good" situations where the "need" is a more hazy long term goal to work towards that isn't always compatible with short term wants.

Teaching kids who have been put first too much and don't grasp that they are not superior to the other 29 kids in the room is tough going. Especially if they have the kind of parents who then kick up a fuss over the consequences of Johnnie doing as he wants. Yes I gave Johnnie a detention for repeatedly banging the glue stick on the desk because the other 29 children could not hear my instructions, I was distracted from what I need to tell them all and I didn't want my self-funded, new glue stick to be damaged. No, I am not picking on Johnnie, he is behaving in a way that is detrimental to the needs of 30 other people and thar overrides his wants to bash out a rythmn with someone else's property.

@SmarmyMrMime

I agree with you - as I said earlier, sometimes kids don't want their needs met, but those needs still need prioritising. And don't self-fund the glue sticks. I know the temptation to do so is strong, but it sets a precedent and you'll be buying them forever more. I have gone terms without them so feel your frustration, but if we paper over the cracks, they become less obvious. We need kids to go home and complain that they can't have glue sticks because the school can't afford them, otherwise parents hear about the budget cuts to education but don't see the effect they are having.

@Oliversmumsarmy that may be but I feel we have swung too far the other way putting children on pedestals and the behavioural issues in school demonstrate that in my view*

To me who grew up in the 60s that can only be a good thing.

@Oliversmumsarmy You can't just disregard the rest of my post because you grew up in the 60s, it isn't a good thing, nor was what you experienced, there is a middle ground. I grew up in this generation, and I'm telling you it isn't a good thing!

YANBU our wants and needs are important to.

notanothernam but my experiences were the same for any child in that era.
You were lucky if you didn’t get the belt or assaulted or had any crime committed against you as a child because if that had happened you would not be believed or you had to put up and shut up.

My dc I have always put first. The complete opposite to how I grew up. The results are children who are confident and happy and know where they are going in life.
Since both have dyslexia and ADHD (Ds) and ADD (Dd) if I had carried on working and let school deal with them I cannot imagine how their lives would have turned out.

I can hazard a guess that both would have been unemployable.

I have seen it happen to dcs peers.

The family is either completely fractured or the dc are living at home and unemployed.

At least 3 of dcs peers at the age of 18 have little or nc with one or both of their parents.

I have seen it happen to dcs peers.

The family is either completely fractured or the dc are living at home and unemployed.

At least 3 of dcs peers at the age of 18 have little or nc with one or both of their parents.

Have seen quite a few dcs at 18 live at home - unemployed and directionless - was it because their parents didn't put them first? - it didn't look that way but I didn't live in their house, they were always pandered to quite a bit when we spent time together, it always looked like their needs and wants were more important than anyone else's - but how would you know what really goes on behind closed doors?

I grew up in the 60s. It was a time of change. There were still parents with very old fashioned attitudes to child rearing who hit their kids and gave them no say. And there were modern parents like mine who would never hit their kid and believed in giving children a say. And my state school was far more alternative than any state school is today.
So it is wrong to say the 60s were a time when children's rights were disregarded. It was a time of change and contrasts.

I think that the difference between want and need that is crucial here. A child's NEED always trumps that of a parent because that parent brought the child into the world and has a responsibility to it.

That said, I believe that nobody gets (nor should get) everything they want. I see it as part of the role of a parent to teach a child that in life there sometimes has to be compromise, and sometimes it will be on their part.

I also believe that if you want a happy family then the parents need to be happy and not always figure last. Sometimes the parent may have needs that will benefit the family as a whole but aren't necessarily what they or their children would prefer, and it's about taking whatever learning there is to be had from a situation. That learning may be about finances, or new experiences and people, but it will be a lesson of some sort, and hopefully beneficial to the ultimate creation of someone who doesn't feel they have a right to everything at the cost of someone else. Save them from great disappointment when they leave home and the world does not revolve around them.

My children come first almost all the time. If they have something on competition/party etc and I’m invited out we will always do their activity etc. If I wanted to go to something and they have training etc it would always come first I would miss out. The way I see it is I had 30 years doing my own stuff now it is my children’s turn, when the last one leaves home then I come first again.
If we had a wedding or one off party that clashes with what they are doing they would miss out.

It is an interesting question. I think most parents strike a balance - we tell our kids we can't do 'fun things' for them every weekend, as we have things we want or need to do as well. They know they are important, but also that they can't expect to be prioritised every time.

I do see some people, mothers especially, who let themselves be really dragged down by guilt that they can't do anything for themselves and everything must be all about their child/ren. Which I think is going a bit far, but maybe people find happiness that way. Not sure it's good for the kids though, especially if it's only one parent they see doing the sacrificing.

Adults have responsibility, they've had their childhood and now have to step up to the mark.
Children and those who haven't got children don't understand what responsibility is - the children shouldn't have to, the adults should.

If you mean if my children are at a club and I want to go out that night, then my children get priority as its a long standing thing but if I need to do shopping and my kids don't want to then tough shizzles we're going. If I need shoes and so do the kids then kids wi. It's all, about context

Children may not always come first. But stepchildren DO always come first. Seriously. Not being funny. This sounds like a complaint posted by someone who is tired of her DP bending over backwards for her SCs. That's just the way it is, though. I have three of each, and the rules are clear, and they make perfect sense to me.

My children are both adults now.Growing up they had to fit in around the family unit.We took them abroad.Both have been to Australia America and all round Europe.But we still found time for ourself with weekend away.We have been married 37 years

onegift I seriously can't believe that you just posted that adults without children have no responsibilities. You do know it is not only children who can be dependant on adults? Pretty sure my childless friend who looks after her severely disabled sister has a lot of responsibility. And I am also pretty sure there are plenty of surgeons who are childless who are literally responsible for someone's life when they are operating.

Children may not always come first. But stepchildren DO always come first. Seriously. Not being funny. This sounds like a complaint posted by someone who is tired of her DP bending over backwards for her SCs. That's just the way it is, though.

Always? How are they supposed to learn that the world won't always give them what they want when they are older, then? Surely you're not suggesting their every single whim should be indulged...

I try really hard not to work within a framework of adults v children, because we are all equally important members of the household. Whoever’s needs are greatest get met if there is conflict. It’s most often my son because kids are needy fuckers. But I don’t see it as him coming first, over adults. You need to reframe the question. No one comes first, ever. Everyone’s most pressing needs get met, as and when.

Children and those who haven't got children don't understand what responsibility is

Wtf?

Yeah my reaction too TedandLola.
And kids need responsibilities. Obviously age appropriate ones. So they might be responsible for making their bed and keeping their room tidy.