To think children do not always come first?

[clairemcnam]

Adults matter too. And their needs and wants also matter.

When I was a child, we were well loved and looked after, but had little or no say in any decisions as to family life. We grew up and took our place in adult society and then had the opportunity to see our wants and needs fulfilled.

@diplodocusinermine that's just how I remember my (absolutely wonderful) childhood. I guess it was how things were done back then. While change comes, and often for the better, I do think that the pendulum has swung rather too far and that, as you say, our young people may struggle in the future when they realise that the big, bad world won't indulge them in the manner to which they've grown accustomed.

Thirded, sounds like I'm a bit younger too (not boasting I promise). I'm concerned that this attitude of prioritising a child's WANTS over adult preferences is going to lead to an ill-prepared generation.

Children's needs come first. Their wants do not take priority over adult's needs. Whether children's wants or adult's wants come first varies according to exactly what those wants are and what the context is.

I can understand why a lot of posters are confused to this question as there isn’t much context but I know why you asked it OP. It is a taat I guess and people would have needed to read it to understand.

But yes in this instance I agree with you wholly OP.

I would feed my kids before myself and I would sacrifice myself to save them. In a fire or something.

Everyone on this thread seems to be talking about different things though. About what they think the op means. Op is not at all clear.

Need a specific scenario.

Someone's want may be someone else's need so you can't even divide wants and needs that easily.

A balance is always good. I grew up in a house where rchildren’s wishes were not/never taken into account very much. All decisions were made on my behalf. This might sound like my childhood was simplier but it wasn’t so. I had to behave a certain way, there were strict boundaries in place but when it came to things like school trips and decisions that affected me directly (and not other family members), those decisions were taken too. It was very much work and no play. I felt invisible. I grew up feeling like I had no control over my life, my future and until my mid thirties remained very passive and felt very unloveable.

Depends on the situation if I was in a burning building and could withdraw m dh or my kids it would be my kids every time and he would say the same of I was in the shop an only had money for a bag of potatoes for tea or sweets for the kids I would by the potatoes even they would prefer the sweets .

Is this a TAAT? If so I think it’s unkind.

In general, I put my children’s needs before mine or those of my husband. They are too small to look after themselves, I need to do it for them.

I think it depends on the situation and why the need arises as to whom comes first.

I have a chronic health condition and sometimes I have to put myself first to ensure I don't become worse. I am better at doing that. There are times when I needed to rest but my child need my support etc and I just had to ignore what I really needed to do.

Most of the time we as a family need to make decisions together, other times we need to decide as parents what is best.

It's never really a blanket rule for every situation.

Their needs come first - ie, if my child is hungry I'm not going to feed myself before them. If they're tired I'm not going to go to sleep before helping them. But their wants do not come first.

NothingOnTellyAgain

Even feeding your kids before yourself has a limitation though, in theory. Say, starving in a desert or whatnot, but also protecting your child from wolves - you'd need enough to survive to protect them!

Whatdoesitmatteranyway

We do this group interview exercise at work, where you've got to rescue people from a sinking ship etc. Without fail, every group has settled upon the same 4 people going in the life raft. A kid, her parents (can't split the family up...) and one poor survivalist sod who will have his work cut out rescuing them. The point of the exercise is to debate it rationally (and trust me, it brings out some very weird sides to people, helped us eliminate some right weirdos!), but the same fundamentals come out every time. Meanwhile a disabled genius on the brink of curing cancer and a nurse who's a Tory is left to the sharks.

ThisoneThatoneTheOtherone

I said upthread that I didn't believe people when they espoused that opinion REALLY put their kids 'first' at all times... I believe you though, and I'll amend that to 'most' people

No this is not a TAAT. I have seen this said on multiple threads

And your point is......?

Sometimes their wants do come first above everything else at that time, another time could be another child or family turn to come first.

Adult wants never trump children’s needs. But the opposite is also true, and children’s wants don’t trump adult needs. But in my eyes, children’s needs do trump adult needs. Well said DorothyBastard

a child's needs should come above those of an adult. My view is that it should be the other way round. And to hell we all go.

No way does my DD come first. If she wants to do something specific - e.g. playdate, party etc then as long as I have prior notice of this she can go and depending on who's available to take her etc.

However, I have to co-ordinate this with other events. I recall one time where family member had a milestone birthday party which clashed with her BFF's birthday party and with distance involved across London there was no way I'd have been able to have taken her to the whole party, so I told the host and told DD she'd only be allowed to stay 2 hours - in the end of course she wanted to stay longer and I had to be very firm and say no as we had to travel to family member's birthday party. But also when I'd asked her whose party she wanted to attend, she'd told me both of them. Maybe I should have been firmer with her and allowed her one of those choices, who knows?

Agreed with a PP that children's needs to do in fact come first but also agreed that they are very different to what a child wants to do and also child/parent have different priorities.

If we always put our children first, we are doing them a disservice in the long run, as we are not preparing them for adult life.

PBo83 I'm a slightly older generation and it can cause disagreements with friends of my DD who are younger, because I certainly go by my parents' rearing which was child's wants were 'not' first at all! I think my DM did sometimes, rarely put our wants firsts as well as our needs.

My DD4.5 can want all she likes in certain situations, call me strict and sometimes DH (her DF) thinks I am, but I'm not pandering to someone whose mind and ideas change like the wind. I'm firm but not overly strict with her. Strangely enough a couple of her friend's DPs have said how well behaved and considerate she is - but they on the whole are those DP who let their DC's wants trump their DC's needs.

My children are 9 and 11 in theoretical who eats who dies scenario they eat they die and they do what they can with the wolves eg go up a tree.

I eat they die they're dead that's that.

I think they would be better against the wolves than me I am disabled, they are smaller quicker and fitter.

Don't tell me who I'd feed and who I wouldn't feed in a distaster situation.

You would make a different choice that's up to you but telling other women 'oh no you'd have to do x' is weird to be quite Frank.

I think needs should be balanced where they conflict. One does not trump the other.

But at the extreme end - if there’s no way to save both an adult and a very young child, I’d go for the adult. Once they get to teenish age, I’d go for the teen. And that’s to do with both the lesser understanding of life and the lesser resilience/self-sufficiency of a younger child.

Sorry that was too the cats who tells me that despite knowing nothing about me or my family that I'm a hypothetical situation that she has made up I am doing the wrong thing by my kids.

Bonkers.

Also sorry for typos which don't help!

There’s no right way. It’s circumstances.
My 15 year old wants to go to a college in London, where my parents live. She’s on target at school and it’s looking likely she’ll be accepted. Parents are willing to house her for two years.
Hard as it will be (for me) her wants (for her own future) in this case trumps my need (to see her every day )

There was a tragic case of a family with 2 kids lost in Australia. They all died. Autopsies showed the kids lived longer than the parents.
I hope no one else faces this. But in those circumstances, I think it is worse for the kids to die alone. But I doubt that knowledge would make me prioritise food for the parents.