To think children do not always come first?

[clairemcnam]

Adults matter too. And their needs and wants also matter.

It entirely depends on the degree of risk and what action is reasonable. Greatest risk ie need comes first regardless of age. A child ‘needing’ their lunch does not trump an adult with a deep cut on their hand. A child running into the road does an adult not wanting to shout.
Children need to learn they are not the centre of the universe - but then so do many adults.

@Oliversmumsarmy that may be but I feel we have swung too far the other way putting children on pedestals and the behavioural issues in school demonstrate that in my view. There's a really interesting video on YouTube by a famous..academic I think he is, who looks at millennials and the difficulties they have in the work place due to the way their generation has been coddled (well that's one factor, he lists others too like social media). We had management training specifically looking at millennials for this reason.

Bit of a blanket statement there.

Children come first. But not at the expense of everyones mental health.

Adults need a break sometimes. Adults need some downtime. We all have needs but for the most part, these can wait until an infant's needs have been addressed.

Babies needs supersede anyone else's needs. They can't do anything themselves. They are a priority.

As children get older they can start doing some things for themselves and learn that not everything can be addressed instantly.

It is important everyones needs are looked after; everyone is well mentally and physically.

For instance, I like to do my nails for a bit of self care. Or my eyebrows. I can't do it whilst my toddler runs around. I have to wait until he's in bed or OH looks after him.

In the early days, DS's breastfeed came before my own needs of food. I would wait until he was feeding or asleep and OH would go and get me a sandwich as I was stuck wherever I was then.

Children are part of a family. Big decisions should be made by adults in the interests of the family as a whole, which includes the needs of the children. Children should also learn that adults have feelings and needs, and sometimes these come first

To my mind, the adults in a family chose to have the children/the children are a consequence of the actions of the adults. As such, it is the adults' responsibility to provide for those children and ensure that their needs are met. If it comes down to the needs of a parent vs those of their child, then I think they should prioritise the child. Needs vs wants are a different kettle of fish, as are wants vs wants.

Everyone ‘matters’
Every scenario is different as regards who gets priority in any given situation
However, an adult who is responsible for a child’s welfare, safety, happiness and all round development has a duty of care

Kids are totally dependent on you, therefore they come first. It is your role as a parent to look after them and make the sacrifices required.

@Mummyshark2019

Well said.

Everyone's basic needs are met, we would prioritise the kids on basic needs - after that it's bit nuanced...but I don't see things in terms of kids first - never had, their opinion is sought and listened to on many matters...but ultimately we decide what is best for all of us.

It makes perfect sense to me. If it doesn’t to you that’s ok, move along.

And I think kids should be taught that other people have needs too and we need to compromise, so we can all get a bit and we can all be happy.
Time is the limited resource in our house and unfortunately sometimes people need some peace and quiet, just for a short time - otherwise they are inclined to get grumpy/snappy/shouty and no one likes that, so other small people need to be quiet for a short time.

@Mummyshark2019 and as part of that role, raising them to be empathetic and mindful of other people by showing them you and other people have needs that sometimes need to be prioritised is part of raising children into well balanced adults. It can never be as black and white as you are trying to make it, life simply isn't like that.

It's your job as a parent to take them from completely helpless babies to properly functioning adults who are able to look after themselves emotionally and physically, who will be able to put other people's needs before their own when needed too. Their needs aren't always about them having first dibs - sometimes their needs are about teaching them to sort themselves out instead of demanding their parents do it for them.

Are you talking ‘in the eyes of the law’? Because you may find they do.

My childrens NEEDS will always come first, then mine and my partners NEEDS.

Wants are up for grabs (though I'll be honest often their wants are priotised over our wants - but not over our needs)

IE if there is only X amount of food they would have enough to be nourished (please note NOT full) then we would have what we need - what is left over (the wants) would get split between us

If one of them needed a pair of shoes because they had outgrown them and I wanted a new pair but my old ones could last and I could only afford one, I;d be getting theirs - if mine had a hole in and they saw purple sparkly ones they wanted then I would be buying ones for me instead

Time is the limited resource in our house and unfortunately sometimes people need some peace and quiet, just for a short time - otherwise they are inclined to get grumpy/snappy/shouty and no one likes that, so other small people need to be quiet for a short time.

Depends what you mean by needing peace and quiet- I have a migraine and the noise is physically painful/work nights and need sleep/am on the cusp of homicidal rage or I had a rough day and really fancy a bit of time to veg in front of the telly/mumsnet. The former is a need. The latter is a want, couched as a need. And getting grumpy/snappy/shouty cannot be blamed on anyone but yourself.

If the children are interrupting because they're sad/hurt/angry/have homework/are hungry/are tired then they have needs. They need adult help to manage their emotions, they need to feel valued and emotionally supported, they need academic support etc. If they're bugging you because they're bored and want to play, that's a different matter.

I would teach children that their wants do not always take precedence and they should consider the wants of others, but that their needs will always be met as far as I am able to meet them. They should not feel responsible for meeting your needs/ensuring your needs are met. That's not their job.

@ReaganSomerset You need a TV show because you are clearly a perfect parent and we all need you guidance.
Back in the real world...

NothingOnTellyAgain

What's bonkers to be frank is you taking a hypothetical extension of an argument so personally

I'm pointing out what's wrong with a blanket statement, not telling you exactly what you'd do.

Then, of course, rounding that off with badly misreading/misinterpreting it, so I'll make it simpler.

A parent (not you, remember!) is stuck with a two year old. The parent knows what plants can/can't be eaten. There are dangers in the terrain. There's not a lot for either of them to eat. But if the parent eats nothing, they both die.

@LaFreaka

Ha, not by any stretch of the imagination, though I certainly do my best. I don't think meeting your child's emotional and physical needs while trying not to offload your own sh1t into them makes you 'perfect'. I think that's pretty basic parenting tbh.

*onto not into

I think you're over reacting a bit

I said what I would do with my own family. I would feed the kids before me, I would sacrifice myself to save them in eh fire.

You said Ha! Wolves! Hadn't thought of that had you!

I said, I'm disabled and my kids are old enough that they would have an OK chance of survival> they aren't tiny.

Why are you talking about a different hypothetical situation now?

Do you always react this way when people disagree with you?

@ReaganSomerset - do you have shit to unload? or are you just projecting?

If you mean children shouldn't get to call the shots then yes I agree with you..I'm the adult what I say goes and if the kids don't like it tough. I know best. We also look after our relationship and spend time together on nights out, night away, long weekends away ourselves once a year without the children. Because one day the kids will grow up and leave and have a life of their own and if we don't nurture our relationship and each other then we won't know what to do with ourselves. For me our life isn't ALL about our children.

I need to feed, clothe, educate, nurture and protect my children. I want them to be kind, honest and hardworking members of society. So their needs are met every day. Their wants are mostly met. But my wanting them to be lovely sometimes means I don't shower them with everything they want, because they'd be more likely to grow up to be dickheads, and I don't want that.

Meeting their needs as often as you can doesn't mean perpetually giving in or allowing them to do as they please. Sometimes they need to hear the word 'no', other times they need you to bend the rules. You play it by ear and hope for the best (at least thats what I'm doing).

@LaFreaka

It linked to my previous comment, 'They should not feel responsible for meeting your needs/ensuring your needs are met. That's not their job.'

I was summarising.

HTH