To think children do not always come first?

[clairemcnam]

Adults matter too. And their needs and wants also matter.

[mummmy2017]

I think there is no hard and fast rule on this.
Each problem has to be face as it arrives.
I moved house, for work, but paid more rent to be nearer the school my child wanted.
I wanted to go to France on holiday, but drive rather than flew as my child hates planes.
By giving and taking everyone gets what they want even if no one is completely happy,

[kittybee]

My children don’t always come first, but they never, ever come second. My children are my world.

[MikeUniformMike]

Cats come first not children.

[RomanyQueen1]

Everybody matters, but it depends on your priorities too.
for some people their children come before job, career, hobbies, spare time etc, it depends on your lifestyle too.
There can be times when this varies too, depending on the situation.
For dd her education was more important than anything else, and we made sacrifices to give her the best fit.
We didn't have to do the same for the others, as situation different.

[ILiveInSalemsLot]

regarding the soft play example, I really hate soft play, my children loved it but my hatred took priority so I never took them. They only went for parties.
However, I took them out to other places so it worked out. If I couldn’t be bothered and it was soft play or nowhere, then yes, the reasonable thing to do is take them sometimes.

[Springwalk]

A child’s needs should always come before an adults, why? Because children are too young to take care of their own needs. They rely solely on us to care for them. It is our responsibility over and above all else to care for the young and the vulnerable.
I can’t think of any situation where this would not be the case.

[clairemcnam]

Springwalk Do you mean your child's needs should come first for you?
Because nobody in reality puts other children's needs first before what they want.
So there are homeless children living in bed and breakfasts in awful conditions. Nobody who lives in a nice house without dependant children, would offer to swap living accommodation with them.

[SlipperOrchid]

I can’t think of any situation where this would not be the case.

Oxygen masks on aeroplanes?

The OP did not use the word needs.

[SpiritedLondon]

My DDs “needs” will generally come first but not necessarily her “ wants” - those two are completely different things. In my opinion the fact that people prioritise what children “ want” above everything else is generally responsible for the hideous entitlement that you sometimes come across. In our house we are Team Spirited and we all have to do boring stuff for the benefit of the term and we all get a chance to do fun stuff sometimes. it’s about finding a balance. Part of the life lessons though include a degree of respect which I believe adults are entitled to by virtue of their age.... that is not in every situation imaginable but mostly. Adults do not need to earn respect from children. Subsequently my DD is taught to give up get seats for adults on buses / trains etc which I know is considered old fashioned on MN but is the way we operate in our family.

[hellsbells99]

My mother is very ill at the moment. She is my priority and currently comes before my 2 DDs - which they agree with.

[mummmy2017]

But what do you regard as children's needs.
Food, clothing and a roof over their heads?

[thecatsthecats]

Springwalk - the oxygen mask on the plane example is a pretty good one!

An adult pushing themselves too hard to provide and causing a mental breakdown?
An adult starving themselves to feed their kids ending up in hospital, with the kids in care?
A mum letting her baby scream for 2 minutes so she doesn't wet herself?

I could go on. There are countless examples where an adult not taking care of themselves ends up with a WORSE scenario for the child in question. One of a child's TOP needs is A FUNCTIONING HEALTHY ADULT TO CARE FOR THEM.

By looking after yourself you ARE looking after them.

(wish my mum had sorted out her mental health more when I was a child, instead of happily using us as free therapy...)

[CanILeavenowplease]

Context is everything, isn’t it? My children’s needs would generally come before my own. I can’t think of a situation where they wouldn’t. Their wants, however, are a different matter.

As a divorced mum, I have made a conscious decision not to live with a new partner and not to blend families. I consider that in my children’s best interests but not mine - I would prefer a relationship and quality of life that comes with being part of a partnership but my ex is unstable and it seems right to make sure they have some stability.

[Onceuponacheesecake]

I thinks a child's need trumps most adults need when it comes to very basic living. But a child's want...that's a different matter.

[VeniVidiViciTwice]

TAAT by any chance?

[PurpleDaisies]

One of a child's TOP needs is A FUNCTIONING HEALTHY ADULT TO CARE FOR THEM.

By looking after yourself you ARE looking after them.

I agree with this.

[thecatsthecats]

Re: the funeral thread - I don't think people saying 'children should always come first' are really thinking about how vulnerable adults can be at the pinch points of their lives.

For example, if they'd planned a picnic in the park with their 6 and 8yos, and they had a garden. But their friend came around devastated, crying, because they'd discovered their husband cheating. Would they really say, 'sorry, my children come first' and go to the park, or would they send the kids out to the garden and keep an eye on them whilst hugging their friend and calling their husband a bastard?

[Purplecatshopaholic]

All PEOPLE are the same in my eyes. I would not prioritise a child over an adult necessarily, I would assess the situation and make a judgement.

[clairemcnam]

As a kid me and my sister had to share a bedroom, for a few months because my parents were looking after a relative who was living with us. Our want was to have our own bedroom. The relative though needed a few months to get better, so my parents put their needs first. I think that was the right thing to do.

[Lalliella]

I think that in choosing to bring children into this world a parent should generally put their children’s needs first and do what they can to give their children the happiest possible life. Example of where you shouldn’t put yourself first in my opinion - a friend of mine was a bit fed up with her marriage and rather than trying to fix it she went off with another man and her DSs are devastated (and one is soon to take his GCSEs). That kind of thing.

[PurpleDaisies]

I missed the funeral thread, anyone got a link?

[GreenWingers]

Yup. Needs are important, wants less so. Of course our life changed when DS came along but, to an extent, he fit in around me and OH instead of us fitting in around him, which seems to be the norm with many of my friends.

[Spikeyball]

I think the needs of the most vulnerable, who are not necessarily children, come first but in order for this to happen it may mean helping others first.

[WhatTheNightBrings]

Would you like to talk about the specific circumstances you're referring to?

[clairemcnam]

There are no specific circumstances. I have given some examples.