Friend slept with a stag on night out

[HopeDog]

On a night out recently and a friend starting chatting to a group of men on a stag night. She ended up going back to a hotel with, and had sex with the stag.

She thinks she is bu as she is single.

Aibu to think she is wrong?

You do realise that the other side to this is the equally ridiculous script men and society use that runs 'If your partner/husband is unfaithful it's because you haven't been meeting his sexual needs'? Making the wife-figure responsible. No! That's bollocks, too.

Of course that's bollocks and I didn't suggest it wasn't.

You are lost in an ideology here.

Quite patronizing but no, I’m not.

What it comes down to is this; promising monogomy to someone and then betraying it is ‘black and white wrong’.

Sleeping with someone who is in a relationship is more subjective because some people genuinely don’t think it’s wrong. Because the woman in this instance broke no promises.

She slept with a married man who would have probably slept with anyone that night (no offence to your friend) she's done nothing wrong IMO. I'm sure he could have stopped it any point however he chose not to. They both wanted it they both got it except now he has repercussions and a guilty conscience to deal with.

Don't entirely agree with this. If it wasn't her it was just as likely to be some other skank

That's the point. She had agency at that moment not to be the one who gets involved in it. It is a show of her morality. She chose to have none. Therefore she is a horrible person with no empathy for the other woman. She became complicit.

She didn't have to do that.

It certainly wouldn't be her problem if he did it with someone else

Now, it could be her problem. THe btb could find out. It happens. But what has happened is her friend knows, and this has changed the friend's view of her. She is getting consequences already.

Both of them are scum.

Because the woman in this instance broke no promises

Explicit promises maybe not. But as a lot of people are stating on this thread, there are also implicit promises and rules that exist and when people don't follow them, we don't like those people because we can't trust them

One of those implicit cultural 'promises' is not shagging someone who is 'taken'.

It has always been this way and people will judge those who do it. C'est la vie

I guess she'll feel differently when its her fiance out on his stag night at whatever point in the future . . .

Clearly he's in the wrong, but yes so is she. Its not cool.

You own your own morals....I wouldn't want to sleep with a man whom was about to marry a woman (presumably they are getting married because they TRUST and LOVE one another), nor would I feel comfortable being friends with a woman who thought this was ok to do. Disgusting of the groom to be, glad I'm not his bride. If I was your friend, I'd feel utterly ashamed of myself.

*The woman is complicit in the act of betrayal whether you like that or not. Her actions enable his, she is complicit. It is really straightforward that she holds some responsibility in the aftermath.

If she didn't do it there would be no aftermath, so it is just indisputable that she is playing a role in betraying another person.*

Mooncuplanding - I don't dispute what you say here at all.

I have taken objection to certain phrases and beliefs bandied about on this thread (in general, not referring to your own comments), that women are meant to act as a sort of barrier, to stem the flow of men's behaviour, which comments such as "women shouldn't be so easy" do. These types of comments contribute to the subtle drip-drip effect of women getting the raw end of the stick when it comes to cheating and societies reaction to sexual behaviour in general.

Many of the statements such as those used on this thread have an underlying message of women needing to be responsible for preventing men cheating. It is this I don't agree with.

Yes the women, in this case, was complicit in this act, however, that doesn't mean that attitudes such as women being easy etc which have been used here should be ignored and not challenged.

Many of the statements such as those used on this thread have an underlying message of women needing to be responsible for preventing men cheating. It is this I don't agree with

I know what you are getting at. The flip side of this is that there is a lot of "women aren't responsible" for men's cheating when it doesn't quite work like that.

That women in that moment has a choice to be complicit in something that she knows will cause hurt to another person, something that is deemed shameful by society (the cheating not the sex) and she choses to do it anyway. We have to give women some agency in these situations. Also translated as responsibility.

Scummy, the both of them. Hope the fiance/wife finds out. What he did was unforgivable

but you think it's OK to sleep with someone's fiance? Roughly what is the difference

Quote as to where I said that?

I imagine you would be a very difficult person to tolerate IRL

Oh dear it’s very early in the debate to resort to that, you’re floundering desperately.

I love the idea of my “wildly controversial opinions though”.

Like “let’s not use misogynistic language when a man is equally, if not more culpable. Controversy in action.

She is 100% spot on. If she only wanted a one night stand - no strings attached she guaranteed that he's not going to be looking for her number or anything.

He's a dick and a cheating scumbag. It was his responsibility and his alone to not fuck over his fiance.

BUT, the fact that she has absolutely no guilt or remorse, that shows a complete lack of empathy, accountability and basic moral fibre.

She doesn't know the bride. Why should she feel bad? The bride might not ever know.

Now, it could be her problem. THe btb could find out. It happens. But what has happened is her friend knows, and this has changed the friend's view of her. She is getting consequences already.

True, could be. But the fact that she already has no remorse over it shows that she probably won't be losing any sleep. Even if the BTB does find out, she's going to be more hurt by her fiance than some random skank he met.

@HopeDog OP do you know if the group had travelled there, or are they local to your area? Is there a chance the BTB would be able to trace it back? Or are they from a completely different place altogether?

And presumably your friend has had no comms with the stag since, not even a cursory follow on Instagram?

Not particularly relevant to the outcome (He's still a cheating scumbag, she's still a skank bitch) but just out of interest?

Just to be clear - to the people calling her a skank.
Do you think she is a skank because she had a one night stand? Or because he was a stag and you have no issue with the one night stand aspect of it?

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Let’s face it, he would have gone off with a different woman if that was his aim that night. So I see her point.

Err.....maybe most women with some decency would steer clear of a man who was engaged and about to get married in a few days?

He clearly doesn't care for his fiance, but making it easy for him to have sex on his stag night is just compounding his lack or morals.

Definitely trashy behavior on both their parts. I would think differently of her, to be honest, and would probably distance myself from her as a result.

She doesn't know the bride. Why should she feel bad?

BECAUSE HE IS ENGAGED. HE OUGHT TO BE OFF LIMITS.

Would you use the same argument if this was a week after his wedding? (oh, she doesn't know his wife so it's all fine.)
FFS

She doesn't know the bride. Why should she feel bad? The bride might not ever know.

Wow!

Do you really think she plays no part in this? What do you think she should feel if its not feeling bad - happy? Indifferent? And the fact the bride might never know doesn't mean that it isn't a moral failing?

Imagine yourself doing that (I know you will say you would never do that)....but for the purposes of this....Imagine the BTB comes knocking on your door and your stomach sinks, but actually she is very calm and just wants an honest answer about what went on. You tell her and she is clearly heartbroken and devastated, her whole life just flipped upside down.

Do you really think that you would be fine with your actions? You'd blame it all on him and devolve all responsibility?

You see her in the street months later. Do you feel like you don't have to hide away from her? Hold your head high?

Hard faced attitude if so.

She’s a stupid woman with low standards for herself. He’s a cheating bastard. So he is a nasty piece of work and she isn’t as bad.

but making it easy for him to have sex on his stag night is just compounding his lack or morals.

I disagree. This is making it the woman's responsibility for him not to cheat. It's not, it is his and his alone.

*I know what you are getting at. The flip side of this is that there is a lot of "women aren't responsible" for men's cheating when it doesn't quite work like that.

That women in that moment has a choice to be complicit in something that she knows will cause hurt to another person, something that is deemed shameful by society (the cheating not the sex) and she choses to do it anyway. We have to give women some agency in these situations. Also translated as responsibility.*

I would say that women are responsible for her choice in the situation, however not responsible for the man cheating. To be responsible for the man cheating would mean that they had caused this man to cheat, whereas the likelihood is if it wasn't this women, he would have gone after another.

She was responsible for being complicit in the act but did not cause this man to cheat. He did that.

I know some people will say they would think the same regardless of if the genders were reversed, and yes lots of people would, however it would be incredibly nieve to think that, in society as a whole, a man who sleeps with a hen is treated with the same level of derision as a woman how sleeps with a stag.

I am in no way defending what this woman did, however, I will challenge certain words, name and phrases when I see them used, as these phrases do feed into an unhealthy narrative, even if said without meaning to.