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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend slept with a stag on night out

489 replies

HopeDog · 22/02/2019 11:50

On a night out recently and a friend starting chatting to a group of men on a stag night. She ended up going back to a hotel with, and had sex with the stag.

She thinks she is bu as she is single.

Aibu to think she is wrong?

OP posts:

givemesteel · 22/02/2019 17:40

It's very cheap, she'll just be one of those "weey-heeeey, get in there son" stories from the stag night, just a joke.

When stags want to cheat they tend to hire a hooker, but your friend did it for free.

bullyingadvice2017 · 22/02/2019 17:42

They are not as bad as each other.

He is a pig, his poor wife. He will cheat on her again and again. The responsibility to his marriage lies firmly with him.

She is still not a nice person tho and I wouldn't want to be getting told all the details like it's something to have a laugh about😐 it's a fucking shitty thing to do and she should be cringing with her entire body and regretting it making sure she never degraded herself like that again. Clearly she doesn't get that so i would probably put distance between us.

Fiveredbricks · 22/02/2019 17:45

All on him, not her. And like another poster said for all you know he could've woken up and cancelled the wedding.

The amount of high horsery here is hilarious today. At least half of your husbands shagged someone or did some form of dirty on their stag 😂 get over yourselves.

sillysmiles · 22/02/2019 17:52

@Cheeeeislifenow - exactly. And beyond ensure that both he and she actively consented to have sex - why is she responsible for anything other than her own happiness that night? She doesn't know these people (I'm guessing) - so why can she not only look out for herself. When did unknown BTB also become her responsibility?

RainbowWaffles · 22/02/2019 17:57

The duty of fidelity is from the man to his wife to be. It is the man that is breaching it. It’s nothing to do with the single woman, she has no obligation of fidelity to anyone. Yes, arguably it’s a bit of a shitty thing to do to knowingly enable a man to cheat, but she hasn’t breached any obligations or loyalty herself. It is the 100% the responsibility of the person in the relationship not to cheat.

IMO ‘girl code’ only really applies to people you know rather than an abstract duty to all faceless women the world over.

I obviously don’t think her behaviour is great and I am not condoning it, but she isn’t really the one in the wrong, he is. The whole point of ‘how would you like it if someone slept with your partner’ is irrelevant. Clearly I wouldn’t like it, but I would blame him. I don’t expect him to remain faithful by default as other woman possess sufficient morality so as not to fuck a married man.

DoingTheBestICan · 22/02/2019 17:58

I had a friend once who when on her hen night shagged a young lad, she went back to his room and did not come back all night. She gleefully told us all the next day that she had allowed him to 'shag her up the arse' to save getting pregnant - her words not mine.

I was disgusted and have not spoken to her since.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/02/2019 18:02

Five thanks for that as infidelity is indeed fucking hilarious for all concerned.

He is absolute scum and OPs friend acted like a dick. Saying that is not high horsery.

Alsohuman · 22/02/2019 18:05

@Five, well mine didn’t. Not only did he not have a stag but he’s a decent human being. Your world must be populated with Jeremy Kyle guests if you really think this is normal.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/02/2019 18:08

@Cheeeeislifenow - exactly. And beyond ensure that both he and she actively consented to have sex - why is she responsible for anything other than her own happiness that night? She doesn't know these people (I'm guessing) - so why can she not only look out for herself. When did unknown BTB also become her responsibility?

No she doesn't owe the btb anything at all..but if we all lived our lives so selfishly thinking of nothing but ourselves and sod the repercussions for anybody else then it wouldn't be a nice place to be.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/02/2019 18:11

Cheese yup!

sillysmiles · 22/02/2019 18:15

Or alternatively she has done her a favour, as is all truth if he is going to shag a randomer on his stag, it's not his first time cheating - and maybe he shitty behaviour will get back to her.

I do believe in societal obligations but honestly in this situation, I don't think she has done anything wrong - so long as she is honest with herself about her reasoning for doing it.
I think if this was a serial thing that she did - then you'd have to think that there was a reason she was targeting attached men and she should be worried about her own behaviour.

adriennewillfly · 22/02/2019 18:20

Not her problem. She doesn't know their situation, only her own. E. G. They might be polyamorous.

Mumberjack · 22/02/2019 18:24

I know I would find it hard to find someone attractive if it was blatantly obvious they were with someone...but was that maybe a bit of it for her, the power?

Saying that I couldn’t imagine the stag would have been a good shag. Most of the stags I’ve seen about are paralytic. Surprised he’d be able to get it up.

Asta19 · 22/02/2019 18:26

The thing is its about different moral standards so we can argue back and forth all night but we're not all going to agree. I am no saint by any means. There are other areas in life where I'm sure other peoples morals are stronger than mine. In this particular area, yes I have strong morals and I think what she did was despicable (obviously he was worse but the thread is about her not him). But I also realise that I cannot impose my morals on others. The same way I'd ignore them trying to impose theirs on me in other areas. This is a circular argument that ultimately isn't going to go anywhere. OP's friend is happy with the decision she made, OP has the choice to continue being her friend or not. That's the bottom line.

mentallyfacked · 22/02/2019 18:27

He is responsible for who he shags, she is responsible for who she shags.

We wonder why society is dog shit?
When will people realise that their actions impact others.

From the stag to the women, to the mates who will cover it up so the bride to be doesn't find out.

Ffs stop shifting the blame either way, they are both bellends.

It won't be so funny if/when the bride finds out and she's wasted years of her life on some idiot who couldn't keep it in his pants, for a girl who knew he was getting married and simply didn't give a fuck about it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/02/2019 18:31

“At least half of your husbands shagged someone or did some form of dirty on their stag 😂 get over yourselves.”

Mine certainly did. It was me.

ScreamingValenta · 22/02/2019 18:35

If it hadn't been your friend, it would have been someone else.

The stag was willing to cheat on his fiancee, your friend merely provided an opportunity.

It's probably not your friend's finest moment, but the stag is the guilty one here.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/02/2019 18:36

'Why Is she responsible for anything other than her own happiness?'

What a truly awful thing to write/think. So people should go through their whole thinking only of themselves? What an awful world that would be.

I am genuinely appalled by the amount of women on this thread who think it's fine to shag a (nearly) married man. I will feel I have failed as a parent if my children think this is ok.

Standard disclaimer: obviously he is awful too.

RainbowWaffles · 22/02/2019 18:42

It won't be so funny if/when the bride finds out and she's wasted years of her life on some idiot who couldn't keep it in his pants,- -for a girl who knew he was getting married and simply didn't give a fuck about it.- -

RainbowWaffles · 22/02/2019 18:43

Strikeout fail... I don’t see the relevance of the knowledge of the woman in that sentence

Vulpine · 22/02/2019 18:45

Maybe someone will sleep with your mates fiance one day. Karma's a bitch

Asta19 · 22/02/2019 18:47

If it hadn't been your friend, it would have been someone else

I watched Skint Britain last night. A guy used that as an excuse to rob people. "If it wasn't me it would be someone else". Not really an excuse is it.

Alsohuman · 22/02/2019 18:48

You posted exactly what I was just thinking @Asta.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/02/2019 18:50

“What a truly awful thing to write/think. So people should go through their whole thinking only of themselves? What an awful world that would be”

Sadly this is the way our country is going.

All these people saying she has nothing to feel guilty about because HE is the one cheating and she isn’t breaking any promises.....If your own husband or fiancé had an affair/ONS, and you came face to face with the other woman are you all SERIOUSLY telling me you wouldn’t say anything to her because “she has done nothing wrong?”

Seriously?

In my eyes that could only happen if the other woman was completely innocent to the fact that this man was cheating. Even then I think most would find it hard to be friendly towards another woman who their cheating scumbag of a husband had shagged. But personally if she did not know, I would think that she is also an innocent victim

Your friend is no innocent victim, OP.

IvanaPee · 22/02/2019 18:52

Well, people probably wouldn’t keep their cool when face to face with the women their husbands shagged.

But one can’t expect to look at things objectively in that situation so it’s not really the same as discussing the morality of it in general on an Internet forum!

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