Wife is in so much debt

[DesperatSte]

I've just found out, that via a number of credit cards and loans on items, my wife has nearly £40,000 of debt I didn't know about.

I was led to believe the cards were under control, paid off and generating cash back.

It turns out that after the money we share for joint expenses, everything each month goes to making the minimum payments and more is constantly being borrowed to do this - her monthly take home pay is less than what is needed to clear this.

I have inadvertently been paying for food and treats for both of us for weeks, which is how I I found out about this when she could not take it in turns or split costs. There is nothing in her current account and she has had to take built up cash (more than she contributed herself) from the account we pay our bills from to cover charges made by her bank.

I have some savings and she's talked about using these to pay things down so that the interest is not as high. Am I selfish not to want to do this? I can see it being swallowed up and if the spending continues, we will be worse off. I'll also need it, as it seems she has no income left and I'll be subsidising her living.

Is she still charging things on the credit cards?

This would matter a lot to me. Is the situation getting worse (ie she’s still spending) or is it just not getting better? - because obviously it won’t /can’t if all she can afford is minimum payments.

And also what is her take on this? Is she taking responsibility? Other than asking for access to savings has she come up with any other ideas?

Also, I would seriously consider leaving.

Sorry, I have not read all the threads.

Is voluntary bankruptcy an option or would your earnings and assets be considered in the bankruptcy proceedings? The CAB could advise or Step Change.

Whatever the case, your wife should consult with a debt advisory agency.

I'm so sorry OP, that's really hard! I think she has really broken your trust and that would be a deal breaker for me. Whilst my DP and I don't keep tabs on each other's spending there needs to be some sort of trust the other one isn't running up debt the other doesn't know about. I do wonder (since there is nothing to show for the spending) does she have a gambling addiction?

Since no kids are involved, if it were me I'd me looking to leave. It's a massive incompatibility issue that her attitude to money/debt doesn't coincide with yours. Please also take legal advice, if you had no part in running up this debt then should not have to clear it.

Oh and everyone saying cut up the cards - this means nothing to the spendaholic! They can tearfully show you the cut cards, but secretly have the card on their phone in apple pay. And even know the number off by heart for online purchases! Speaking from experience.

Did somebody really say the OP sounds cold toward his wife ?

Only on MN

He sounds angry but nowhere has he sounded cold towards her. It sounds like he loves her very much and has no intention of leaving , Opposite to cold in my book .

clearly she needs to accept that you need to take over all the household expenditure, and just give her a level of pocket money, and no credit cards.

Reduce spending, don't change cars, cut down on holidays, and it will start to go down.

It seems such a bizzare situation 8 can't imagine a situation where me and my DH don't share money (have separate savings and take it in turns to pay) I also can't imagine one of us having huge amounts of secret debt. I would hate to be in a marriage where I couldn't trust my spouse financially.

btw, you are a couple. It's not your money and her money. IMHO

If you want to work through it with her you have to accept that this debt is also yours and probably that she's not financially responsible and you need to take total control of finances Barr a small amount of spending money for her.

I'm not sure where you're getting that loving feeling, whentherabbitswentwild, he just sounds factual to me, haven't picked up an emotional component either way, personally.

You have no kids?

Run. Just run.

Someone that stupid won't change. Don't waste your life. Get legal advice and get out of there.

Why are people saying it's the OP's debt? It is absolutely NOT.

No children?

That's a fifty metre wide silver lining.

You have the option to getaway from someone who you thought you knew but it now turns out you don't. You've been living a lie for years.

RUN.

Pinkyyy

I think they were referring to anything in joint names.

Without kids this is a much easier problem tbh.

@RomanyQueen1 ahh I see. I just can't see why anyone would suggest that he ploughs his money into paying off her debts. Yes, they are married, but she has kept this from her husband until it has spiralled out of control and now expects him to just step in and wipe it for her?

You sound a lot like my not so dear BIL with your insistence on not 'subsiding' your wife. Does this extend to your kids too?

My sister is in a lot of debt and can no longer afford to feed herself or her children. She got into debt by using credit cards to feed her four children and store credit to clothe them. He worked a bloody good job so they only received child tax credit. That and the £60 p/w wages from her small part time job were all she had to live on. As his wages went up, her CTC went down and he never made up the difference. I told her to call his bluff once and refuse to buy food. The kids ate bread and butter for breakfast and lunch and then got fed up and came to borrow a pizza from me for their dinner

I too would like to know exactly what your wife has been spending it on because if it's essentials you refuse to pay for I have little sympathy for you.

40k secret debt would have me getting a divorce.

Fuck that.

@Frequency

You sound like you think my situation is exactly like the one you know of. It's not. No kids, no issues with earnings (hers higher than mine for most of relationship). This isn't to do with essentials, except it will be now that she can't afford them. I earn marginally more since new year. It'll be a stretch to support us both on one wage, which is what I meant by 'subsidising' ie that I will be the only one able to contribute because of this ridiculous mess. Not subsiding...

OP you sound much more reasonable and sensible than I would be in your situation (I'd have run so fast you'd all be hearing the sonic boom). Your original question - don't use your savings. This is not an emergency, and it's not your mess mop up. Help her get debt advice, help her phone creditors, but don't pay anything off.

I think this has probably shown that you are financially incompatible, whether or not you can work round this is up to you. No one would blame you for leaving.

Take it in turns to pay for nights out? You're married ffs

Projecting much Frequency ? From OP’s updates they don’t have DC and the wife earns a similar amount...

OP, I wouldn’t necessarily say leave but she needs to define how she plan on reimbursing the money:

• 2nd job (weekends, evenings)
• selling clothes, shoes, handbags, hobby equipement...
• no more hobby related expenses, no more gym membership, no more coffee shops or restaurants

I would say as she is now leaving you with all household expenses to pay she should be reponsible of making sure these are as low as possible, so spending time batch cooking from scratch, researching cheaper phone/utilities contracts etc

If you end up in a situation where you will be the only one who can contribute to all the spending of the house (that would be hell of a lot of repayment each month....) then whatever she is deciding to do re the debt is also your problem. Because it impacts on you.

Keep the savings, not the least because it’s a buffer that you might need in the future.

But I wouod advice some outside support. She clearly isn’t in the place where she has acknowledged yet how bad the situation is. Until she is taking full responsibility for the mess, it will be impossible to sort out. But like a lot of issues, receiving advice/suport from your partner isnt always the most suitable.
You BOTH need support from a debt management adviser to see what will be the best way to handle it. So it is ok for her to handle and has not too much impact of you. Some of decisions have to taken WITH you because if the impact it has in you (eg if it also means you will have to cut down on your own hobbies). Some need to be HERS and hers only. She needs to take the responsibility for it and ne in charge of it all. It will have to be with your support though, regardless of whether you want to ‘subsidise’ her or not.

I'm sorry to hear this OP and in your shoes in be livid - you sound far more composed than I would be!

Getting into debt buying essentials is one thing but this isn't what the OP's wife is doing. To me, it sounds like she is buying stuff that she doesn't really need and at a level that she can't afford. To top it all off, she has hidden it from her husband.

I think she needs to commit to cutting up the cards immediately and letting you take the lead with controlling finances for the household for a while. Contacting stepchange or another debt advice service would be a good idea as then you can hopefully work out a way forward to pay it off.

Our of interest (and sorry if I have missed this) what has your wife said about the situation? How is she proposing to sort this out? Yes, as her husband you can support but ultimately, she is an adult who has created this huge mess and she needs to take responsibility for fixing it.