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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep a baby conceived during a short fling?

156 replies

cabalenica · 21/02/2019 17:34

Namechanged for obvious reasons, although I've only posted a few times before anyway.

I'm 36 and very much want to have children, but have been single for several years.

A few months ago I met someone while visiting friends abroad (in the US) and he recently came over to the UK to visit me. We'd been texting/skyping and at the time I genuinely thought it might go somewhere. However, after 5 days in close quarters it's clear we're not very compatible - nothing major wrong with him, we just didn't click really. We did have a lot of sex over the 5 days though and I've just taken a pregnancy test and got a positive result.

In the last couple of years I've considered whether I might eventually look at sperm donors and having a baby by myself, if I didn't meet anyone; plus I don't really want to be 40 and trying to conceive my first child. On the other hand it's a huge thing to attempt by yourself. My family are lovely but live in another part of the country. I have very kind caring friends nearby but most of them don't have kids yet either, and obviously a bit of help from friends is not the same as having a partner.

He is also in his 30s and already has a daughter, who lives near him with her mum and the mum's new partner. He pays child support for her. I don't think I would want to ask him for any money if I did have the baby. (And no idea whether you can make someone pay child support if they're outside of the UK anyway)

I've actually never had so much as a pregnancy scare before so never had to think about this seriously. I don't have any moral objection to terminations, and would quickly have had an abortion if I was much much younger, but I don't want to end a pregnancy when I really want a baby, and then not have this chance again. Obviously I'd rather have a baby with someone I loved, but I'd rather have one alone than not at all... I think?

I have a pretty decent job (small company though so not great maternity benefits) and I own my flat. However, I am intimidated by the costs of childcare if I had to work and take care of a baby. Haven't got to the point of figuring out how it would work financially, yet.

I'm just looking for any thoughts, esp from anyone who has been in a similar position. Is there anything I should consider that I might not have thought of yet?

OP posts:

Dohee · 22/02/2019 22:15

How the fuck is is 'pretty obvious'?

The woman wouldn't be on here asking advice on whether to keep the baby if it was a meticulously planned out operation would she?

Waterlemon · 22/02/2019 22:19

The fact that you are asking on here suggests to me that you should have this baby.

Terminations are never the easier option.

Good luck with whatever option you decide on.

Kennehora · 22/02/2019 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BunnyColvin · 22/02/2019 22:20

The woman wouldn't be on here asking advice on whether to keep the baby if it was a meticulously planned out operation would she?

Why wouldn't she? It's still a shock to find out you're pregnant, even if you're not actually averse to the idea and weren't taking all precautions to ensure you wouldn't be!

Congrats OP :)

As a matter of interest, do you think your family would be supportive?

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 22:26

Terminations are never the easier option

Uh, yeah they are. Otherwise people wouldn’t have them.

Not everyone thinks life begins at conception.

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 22:26

*yeah they sometimes are

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 22:30

I do bloody wish men would wear condoms.

OP you clearly want the baby from your posts.

I think it’s a pretty shitty situation for this guy, he’s going to have a child on another continent becsuse (unconsciously) you thought this would be easier than a sperm donation.

BunnyColvin · 22/02/2019 22:35

I think it’s a pretty shitty situation for this guy, he’s going to have a child on another continent because he didn't wear a condom.

FYP

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 22:38

@BunnyColvin I already said I wish guys would wear a condom - but as women we have the ultimate choice to carry a baby to term or not. It is both a right and a responsibility. And you have to face up to that. The Op is making an active choice now.

AuntMarch · 22/02/2019 22:40

I am pro choice but only in maybe the last couple years have learned to forgive myself for a termination 14 years ago. I would never recommend one when you actually want a baby! You will find a way.

I found out I was pregnant after deciding my relationship wasn't meant to be too. We were together longer and he is around, but it's still daunting. And I'm staying with my mum!! (I'm 33. I know it's not the done thing but I really don't care!) So I do understand it must be a really scary prospect when you don't have family close by, but I think you'd always regret not doing it.

BunnyColvin · 22/02/2019 22:40

Yes, and there's nothing wrong with her choice to have the baby. Life is never simple. He doesn't get to just walk away. He took the risk also, so why is he deserving of any sympathy?

AnotherEmma · 22/02/2019 22:41

Oh God, AIBU really isn't the place for a pregnancy choices discussion

OP, if you do decide to continue the pregnancy, a few points about finances:

While you're on maternity leave, if you get SMP, it's 90% of your salary for the first 6 weeks and then £145/week for up to 33 weeks. During that time, you might be entitled to Universal Credit. You could use a benefit calculator (eg Entitledto.co.uk) or ask Citizens Advice to check what you'd be entitled to.
When you go back to work there will be some help available for childcare costs, either the Tax Free Childcare scheme (you will be eligible) or the childcare element of Universal Credit (if eligible). The MoneySavingExpert has helpful info/advice pages on childcare and the various schemes. It also has a "baby checklist" with loads of great money saving tips.

In your position I would go for it if I could make the finances work and if I had reliable family or close friends nearby, for practical and moral support - preferably regular help but at the very least to help with emergency babysitting/childcare.

Good luck and remember that whatever you decide, it will be the right choice for you. FWIW I think it's very unlikely that this is your last chance to be a mother (you got pregnant easily enough ) but if you want to continue the pregnancy you will make it work.

BunnyColvin · 22/02/2019 22:45

Well whatever you do OP, don't have an abortion on the off-chance you'll meet some notional Mr. Right down the the line, cos that's a crock, right there!

Waterlemon · 22/02/2019 22:46

Ok terminations can sometimes be the better option, but I still don’t think it’s an easy option.

BuntyBonus · 22/02/2019 22:59

I was in an almost identical situation age 38 and now have a 5 year old. I can honestly say I have never regretted it for one moment. It is not always easy but there has been so much joy in my life since my ds was born it is all totally worth it. We do not have any contact with the father - he made it very clear in early pregnancy he did not want to be involved. I do not claim child support. However I did move to live closer to my parents and the support from them has been invaluable so if there is any way this is possible for you I would consider it. They help with childcare, my son gets to have a wonderful relationship with his grandparents and they give me emotional support. I hope we give them something back too as that sounds very one sided! I also changed jobs from a better paid more professional role to a less stressful role. This role means I can work school hours 3 days a week and full days only 2 days a week. The drop in pay pretty much balances out what I would pay in childcare anyway. You will also be able to claim child tax credits as a single parent (depending on how much you earn) Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

sleepyviolet · 22/02/2019 23:04

I have been on my own with dd since day one. No family nearby. We have had hard times but the best times outweigh these 100%.
Dad didn't want to see dd so I've dealt with that as well.
Me and dd are so close and I've been able to parent how I want. I find decision making hard sometimes as it's all on me but I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck!

AnotherEmma · 22/02/2019 23:05

Universal credit has replaced child tax credits (for new claims)

Bouncingbelle · 22/02/2019 23:05

I have had both a termination and 8 years of fertility treatment (and a lovely DS :) ). DO IT.
It may be hard for a few years but trust me, no harder than living with a lifetime of regret and the fear that you threw your only chance away.

blackcoffeeinbed · 22/02/2019 23:15

It's your baby, it might not be the ideal scenario but there are millions of mums on this planet happily raising their children in unideal scenarios.

The only thing I would worry about is if the father wants to have contact, this would possibly mean you having to share your baby between here and the US. I don't know the ins and outs exactly but have a friend who's married to an American and know if they were to split she would have to share custody and fly their child to him for holidays etc. I would assume he could apply to the courts for access and eventually you may have to accommodate similar arrangements.

Do you think he would be likely to want to be involved?

Linning · 22/02/2019 23:20

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, I am not sure whether or not I would keep it personally, mostly because I find it a bit unfair to have a child with a man who lives abroad (and already have a child he provides active care to) as it means your child will have almost no contact with his dad despite both potentially wanting to. You also have to consider the fact that his dad might want shared custody meaning your child might have to spend lots of his holidays in the US (in an unfamiliar environment with a man he sees 3 times a year) which might be complicated for him (and you) to handle and that's without thinking of the daily stress of being a single mum.

Smotheroffive · 23/02/2019 02:27

Courts don't make DC just fly off round the world to stay over with strangers and he doesn't know, yet.

It would be worth checking the situation with legal counsel though.

IM0GEN · 23/02/2019 08:44

It’s not the mums job to facilitate contact with the dad by “ flying to the USA three times a year “! It’s the dads responsibility to make a relationship with his child.

I can’t believe all the people on this thread who think it’s the mums job to do everything ! Not just raise the child single handed and pay for ebefyhtging but think of the feelings of all HIS family ( she has never met ) and think of HIS feelings and do international travel so he doesn’t have to.

Lots of women have children in “ ideal “ circumstances and he runs off abroad with OW, refuses to pay child support and never sees his child. Some men are abusive, some harm their wives or kids. Lots of men become selfish arseholes and don’t lift a finger at home or care for their kid. Some men die.

If you worried about the things that could possibly go wrong , no one would EVER have a baby.

Some of you on this thread are so sanctimonious about how perfect your own lives are. Don’t you realise that your ideal little world could fall apart tomorrow? No one knows what’s round the corner.

AlaskanOilBaron · 23/02/2019 08:57

Ok terminations can sometimes be the better option, but I still don’t think it’s an easy option.

I don't buy into this mythology of the sad abortion. I skipped out of mine.

AlaskanOilBaron · 23/02/2019 08:58

I don't buy into this mythology of the sad abortion

the universally sad abortion.

Girlsnightin · 23/02/2019 08:58

In your shoes I'd keep it, as you'd genuinely considered a sperm doner. I can't see the logic in having a termination if you think you'd consider that route further along the line.

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