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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep a baby conceived during a short fling?

156 replies

cabalenica · 21/02/2019 17:34

Namechanged for obvious reasons, although I've only posted a few times before anyway.

I'm 36 and very much want to have children, but have been single for several years.

A few months ago I met someone while visiting friends abroad (in the US) and he recently came over to the UK to visit me. We'd been texting/skyping and at the time I genuinely thought it might go somewhere. However, after 5 days in close quarters it's clear we're not very compatible - nothing major wrong with him, we just didn't click really. We did have a lot of sex over the 5 days though and I've just taken a pregnancy test and got a positive result.

In the last couple of years I've considered whether I might eventually look at sperm donors and having a baby by myself, if I didn't meet anyone; plus I don't really want to be 40 and trying to conceive my first child. On the other hand it's a huge thing to attempt by yourself. My family are lovely but live in another part of the country. I have very kind caring friends nearby but most of them don't have kids yet either, and obviously a bit of help from friends is not the same as having a partner.

He is also in his 30s and already has a daughter, who lives near him with her mum and the mum's new partner. He pays child support for her. I don't think I would want to ask him for any money if I did have the baby. (And no idea whether you can make someone pay child support if they're outside of the UK anyway)

I've actually never had so much as a pregnancy scare before so never had to think about this seriously. I don't have any moral objection to terminations, and would quickly have had an abortion if I was much much younger, but I don't want to end a pregnancy when I really want a baby, and then not have this chance again. Obviously I'd rather have a baby with someone I loved, but I'd rather have one alone than not at all... I think?

I have a pretty decent job (small company though so not great maternity benefits) and I own my flat. However, I am intimidated by the costs of childcare if I had to work and take care of a baby. Haven't got to the point of figuring out how it would work financially, yet.

I'm just looking for any thoughts, esp from anyone who has been in a similar position. Is there anything I should consider that I might not have thought of yet?

OP posts:

apparentlyso · 21/02/2019 19:34

Congratulations op you should definitely keep the baby if you want it, it sounds like you are in just as good position as most to have a child.
Definitely tell the father, he might be a great asset, and even he isn't at least he lives miles away.

EhlanaOfElenia · 21/02/2019 19:43

You want a baby, keep it! But do your homework. In some areas nursery places need to be booked almost at birth, there are so few places. Friends who have needed full time childcare have all said it was easier (but more expensive) when their DC were at nursery. It is when they went to school that it got harder. The graduated starting, not all schools having before and/or after school clubs clubs not running long enough. So check out what schools local to you have, and if it is dire you can plan a move.

themoomoo · 21/02/2019 19:53

keep the baby. people always manage and you'll bitterly regret it if this is your only chance

Butteredghost · 21/02/2019 19:57

When I read this type of thread I normally say the OP should consider an abortion, but in your case, I think you should have it. You want children, are 36, and were considering sperm donation. The father, although not a romantic match, is seemingly normal (ie not abusive etc). It's a no brainer really.

It will be hard but you are in a better position than many other single mums, having a decent job and owning your own flat.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 21/02/2019 20:02

You want a baby, your body clock is ticking and you were even thinking about a sperm donor....seems like fate has stepped in. Sure it will be hard at times as a single mum, but how many people end up single even when they start the pregnancy in a relationship? Lots. They just get on with it. You will have plenty of time to plan for it. In your shoes I would definitely keep it, no question about it.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/02/2019 20:16

Think about it this way, you’ve just saved so much money not having to spend on ivf. It’s perhaps slightly unplanned but good unplanned. My mother was married had a job and she still ended up as a lone parent without family support. So even if you had a dp and family close at hand it might not work the way you intended.

flirtygirl · 21/02/2019 20:46

To consider an abortion when you want a child and are 36 is stupid.

ChinUpChestOut · 21/02/2019 20:53

I don't normally post about this, but I was in your position too - same age, same feelings about having a baby, and same situation with the father.

DS is now 19. Never regretted it for a second. I kept the father in the picture, facilitated visits all through DS's childhood to him, and acquired a fabulous DH when I was 42, who later adopted DS when he was 10.

My only advice to you is to inform the father, and keep in touch with him for the sake of your child. At some point they will (and do) ask questions - best to have some sort of contact to help with that stage. It's amazing what they will accept as normal, providing you treat it that way too.

KickBishopBrennanUpTheArse · 21/02/2019 20:56

I was one of the pp who said congratulations upthread. I apologise if it was insensitive.

The reason was when I was in your situation and was ready to tell people reactions ranged from "oh shit" to "what were you thinking?"

No one said congratulations to me for a really long time. When someone finally did it meant a lot to me.

One question OP. How long ago did you find out? Since then have you had any alcohol? Have you bought any folic acid?

It took me nearly a month to finally make the decision I was going to proceed and not terminate but I started taking folic acid within an hour of poas and didn't drink at all much during that month. Looking back there was never any doubt really about what I was going to do.

LaurenOrdering · 21/02/2019 21:05

Your body so your choice. As it's perfectly clear from your explanation & you are thinking about all angles and you've always wanted children then there is your answer: keep baby.
Something else to consider after you have baby, if you do tell your ex & you decide you want him to register as the father then if 'father' is a US citizen then you need to check if baby also gets US citizenship/dual nationality & all this entails. I'm not a lawyer so I would check.
Finally as it sounds very much like you are keeping baby: Congratulations!

user1457017537 · 21/02/2019 21:11

If you are worried about managing do you have a spare bedroom you could rent and have the baby in with you? Best wishes

iolaus · 21/02/2019 21:18

This is a wanted baby - there is a difference between wanted and planned

Iggypoppie · 21/02/2019 21:18

Keep the baby, you'll regret it forever. Lookup turn2us for info on what support you could get for child care.

Nomorepies · 21/02/2019 21:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

peachgreen · 21/02/2019 21:29

Just to provide a lone voice from the other side - I personally wouldn't choose to be a single parent. No judgement on those who do - in fact, endless admiration because I absolutely couldn't do it. My daughter is 1. We don't have any family support nearby and without my husband I couldn't have got this far. I had severe PND after my daughter was born and although I made a really good (and fairly quick) recovery thanks to excellent medical care, it was still extremely tough, and not long after recovering I got ill physically. I was too unwell to care for my daughter for several days and I genuinely don't know what would have happened if I'd been on my own.

If you want to go ahead, you should. But I would very seriously consider moving to be close to family because it would be extremely tough without that kind of support.

Original poster

cabalenica · 22/02/2019 01:12

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the kind messages and suggestions. Reading through them, I do think I came on here looking for encouragement as much as anything. I already appreciated it would be vv difficult so it's nice to hear people say they don't regret doing similar.

For instance, @KickBishopBrennanUpTheArse, yes I did start taking folic acid a few days ago when I realised. I don't drink much anyway but haven't at all since then either. Both just seemed like the responsible thing to do, but probably do show which way my mind was going. (Also don't apologise at all for saying congrats, it is indeed nice to hear, although I understood why others thought it might be unsettling if I'd been in a different frame of mind)

To everyone who was concerned about it, yes I would definitely tell the father, it's only fair (on him and the child).

I still have a lot to think about and need to talk to my family, but I've gained a bit of confidence from this thread and the practical tips of what to think about are also handy.

So thanks all.

OP posts:

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 22/02/2019 01:25

The only negatives to when I was a single parent (twice over, go me...) was a) I had undiagnosed chronic illnesses which I had been led to believe were in my head, and becoming a parent has made it virtually impossible for me to look after my own needs at the best of times, and b) the father of my second was extremely abusive and this continued even after he let us leave.

You're in a different situation and it sounds quite positive. My first was a happy surprise even though I wasn't in a proper relationship with the father and altyough we married, we split not long after she was one. I had told him I was keeping the baby, the decision to stay was his but he disnt do it for the right reasons and that ate him up inside. I had thought I was infertile when I got the BFP, see. Turned out I was wrong. Glad I kept her. Shes this amazing 11.5yr old, shes got SEN (they both do) but theres just something amazing about her.

Original poster

cabalenica · 22/02/2019 01:34

Congrats on your lovely kids, BusySniping. Glad to hear you're happy with how things turned out.

OP posts:

Notquiteagandt · 22/02/2019 01:38

I was in a simular position.caught out with avery much wanted but unplanned pregnancy v.v.v early on in anew relationship. He scarpered quicker than ussain bolt. Its been just me ever since.

I am onlh 3 weeksinto parenting zo cant comment properly.

But people have been so lovely and helpful. I have a fantastic support network around me. This has been invalluble.

I had a v.v.v. difficult high risk pregnancy. So someone to rant to in ghe early hours etc and give me a hug when needed was essential.

I have managed to provide everything for my daughter on a low budget (urgh sick pay during pregnancy is the worst!)

Its just a case of yeah financially its hard
But you make it work. Within your budget.

My daughter wants for nothing. I however am making big sacrifices....

Evilspiritgin · 22/02/2019 01:45

What happens if dad to be wants to be involved? Would you have to take baby to the states?to facilitate a relationship with his/her sibling Plus presumably in a few years time the child could be sent for holidays by themselves, I’m not sure how it would stand legally?

caringcarer · 22/02/2019 01:46

You are pregnant, Congratulations. Fertility goes down very sharply after 35 so you are lucky. If you don;t keep this baby you may never have another. Being a Mum is wonderful and once the baby is born you will wonder how you ever thought of not keeping it. Enjoy your pregnancy. Babies have a habit of being born and parents can not always afford them but somehow they all get brought up to adulthood. Love goes a long way. A baby is a blessing, someone who will love you unconditionally and you will be the centre of their world. I love babies, they melt my heart. If you have a baby I don't think you would ever regret it. They open up a whole new world.

MajesticWhine · 22/02/2019 01:46

I think it's a no brainier - you are 36 and your clock is ticking. I really don't think you will regret having this child. You could leave it a while and then not get pregnant and be left thinking about what might have been.

Happydowninthemouth · 22/02/2019 01:49

From experience, it may be your only chance so go with your heart. This baby is a gift.

julensaor · 22/02/2019 01:55

Keep your baby OP. Your post just shows the usual fears but the underlying emotion is, is it ok to keep my baby? Congratulations and you will work everything out.

ToeToToe · 22/02/2019 01:57

I thought of Catastrophe too

Congratulations OP. Your OP and subsequent posts did indeed seem like you wanted to be talked into it.

I don't think it'll be something you'll regret. Having a baby is a wonderful thing, you'll never feel love like it

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