To keep a baby conceived during a short fling?

[cabalenica]

Namechanged for obvious reasons, although I've only posted a few times before anyway.

I'm 36 and very much want to have children, but have been single for several years.

A few months ago I met someone while visiting friends abroad (in the US) and he recently came over to the UK to visit me. We'd been texting/skyping and at the time I genuinely thought it might go somewhere. However, after 5 days in close quarters it's clear we're not very compatible - nothing major wrong with him, we just didn't click really. We did have a lot of sex over the 5 days though and I've just taken a pregnancy test and got a positive result.

In the last couple of years I've considered whether I might eventually look at sperm donors and having a baby by myself, if I didn't meet anyone; plus I don't really want to be 40 and trying to conceive my first child. On the other hand it's a huge thing to attempt by yourself. My family are lovely but live in another part of the country. I have very kind caring friends nearby but most of them don't have kids yet either, and obviously a bit of help from friends is not the same as having a partner.

He is also in his 30s and already has a daughter, who lives near him with her mum and the mum's new partner. He pays child support for her. I don't think I would want to ask him for any money if I did have the baby. (And no idea whether you can make someone pay child support if they're outside of the UK anyway)

I've actually never had so much as a pregnancy scare before so never had to think about this seriously. I don't have any moral objection to terminations, and would quickly have had an abortion if I was much much younger, but I don't want to end a pregnancy when I really want a baby, and then not have this chance again. Obviously I'd rather have a baby with someone I loved, but I'd rather have one alone than not at all... I think?

I have a pretty decent job (small company though so not great maternity benefits) and I own my flat. However, I am intimidated by the costs of childcare if I had to work and take care of a baby. Haven't got to the point of figuring out how it would work financially, yet.

I'm just looking for any thoughts, esp from anyone who has been in a similar position. Is there anything I should consider that I might not have thought of yet?

I currently have my gorgeous 1 week old son sleeping on me, who is the result of an 8 month long relationship which ended because I wouldn’t have a termination. I can honestly say I don’t regret it for one second as he’s the most precious thing. However, I was adamant from the start that no matter how hard it was I could do this on my own. As it is I have moved in with my parents for the duration of my maternity leave and it is a godsend to have someone else making me dinner and around to chat to, but I am not passing any of the baby work onto them as I know I have to do everything for myself once I move out.

Ultimately if you’re really torn then go for some counselling either by talking to your doctor or going to an abortion clinic (they offer counselling too).

If you decide to keep the baby then my advice is:

1. for child care look into working family tax credits (you might be surprised at how much you qualify for) and at tax-free childcare (you create a government account and get 20% on top of what you put in up to £8,000).

2. look for local support groups for single parents through gingerbread. I also found others in my area.

3. Once you’re on maternity leave go to the NCT coffee mornings. I did this and I feel extremely supported already by the women there. I also did the antenatal class (and took my mum) and so have met other parents through that, I can honestly say I haven’t felt judged at all and nobody has directly asked about the father beyond one person privately asking if he was involved after a comment I made that suggested he wasn’t. Knowing local parents plus all the breastfeeding counsellors (they also counsel on formula feeding) has already meant I knew who to call when things were hard, so I think the support is invaluable.

Good luck!

Remember OP that it’s normal and prudent for many women, married or not, to worry about managing. Regard this accidental pregnancy as serendipitous .. You may not have felt brave enough to have proceeded to have a planned single pregnancy in the future or you may find you are unable to conceive.
It won’t be easy but if you truly want a child it will be the best decision of your life
Good luck

Keep it!!!!!
Make sure to take Vitamin D too. More important than Folic Acid.
It's much easier to get child support enforced in the USA than in the UK. I am still trying to get REMO (via the Child Support Agency in California) to get even a penny out of exh (he's in the UK, I'm in the USA). REMO pretends that they can't find him even though I have given them a copy of the deed to the flat that he lives in plus all his personal information.

Anyway, your child will be entitled to dual citizenship which might be useful at some point.

The child maintenance thing depends upon which country, as the UK does have conventions for enforcing paternity payments in certain cases.

He willingly had unprotected sex with you, so his risk and potential responsibility too.

It's down to how you feel at the end of the day. There are so so many amazing mothers that have done amazing at bringing up their DC singlehandedly, and there's absolutely no reason you wouldn't too. In fact stats show the DC do the same as or better with just mother as parent (for whatever reason)!

You will manage, so long as its what you want as its jolly hard work at times and also a bit scarescarey at times

Congratulations and good luck with your future(s)

You will regret having an abortion, but will never regret holding your little baby..
It's the right time for you!
Congrats x

Please don't base your decision on what your family says. It's your baby. Your decision. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, you'll be a Mum. You won't just be a daughter anymore.

It might be the only chance you get. As a single parent, life is very very tough. But, they are extremely attached to you as you're all they've got!

It can be mentally draining to the point of developing PND etc.

When you get over the hump, it can be fabulous.

It is isolating when they're babies as you sound like me. No friends with babies etc.

Whatever your family thinks is entirely irrelevant. Yes, maybe they will babysit once in a while, but you're ultimately the only one you need to consult on this.

The other side of it is questions from dc further down the line as to who Daddy is. And it won't be too far down the line either. They start asking from when they can talk and hear about other Daddies at preschool etc.

Your circumstances are very similar to mine. I genuinely feel she was a gift. She was sent to save me and I think I was chosen as the best person to raise this particular child.

Given how you're talking about it, I am going to take a leap and say Congratulations!!!!!!!!

OP "I'm just looking for any thoughts, esp from anyone who has been in a similar position. Is there anything I should consider that I might not have thought of yet?"

Keep the baby. Don't wait to conceive using expensive donor sperm in a few year's time when your fertility has dropped.

Keep this baby and make a great life for them and you.

Excellent advice from some posters on maternity leave and benefits etc.

FermatsTheorem "The only possible (and weak) argument against would be that it was somehow unfair to do so without the father's consent..." The father donated his sperm to the OP. What her body has done with that sperm is not somehow unfair to him!

To OP

Tell the father ASAP. If you decide to keep the child you also need to discuss how the father will help you financially as cost of raising a child is high.

Child support can be obtained from someone who lives outside the UK via the REMO system, but it can be a long drawn out process before it is sorted.

Apologies of this seem to be a pure financial consideration, but the cost of supporting a child from birth to age 18, or longer if they attend University, will be huge.

Good luck.

OP had his chance to ensure no pregnancy ensued, he wasn't that bothered, and its happened,its now out of his hands and only OPs life decisions, she does not need to contact him asapasap! How ridiculous frankly. This is her decision, her body, her pregnancy, her lives, until birth anyway.

I think it's worth considering how you would feel if this were your only chance for a family, as you never know, it could be.

I would also say go for it and congratulations

Congratulations! I say go for it

Op, just two things I wanted to add to the excellent advice and first hand experiences here, one, don't discount friends' support, it seems some people here have been let down but it is not always the case, we have no family near, and our friends have been invaluable support (today my DH is picking up friends' DCs form school because their dad has an unexpected meeting for example)

second, a friend of mine got pregnant in a less than stable relationship, she was 40, the dad to be told her he didn't want it, reluctantly, she had a termination, she never did have a baby, it is her greatest regret, and honestly I don't think she fully recovered ever from that, and is today a very unhappy person, just to say there are risks either way, termination is not necessarily the "safe" option

sunnyaussiegirl
I wonder how relationships go on after something so devastating as been imposed upon a woman by someone who claims to love them. How does she not resent his imposition, that's the loss of her one and only baby. So sad

@smotheroffive I totally agree. I told my ex that so far as I was concerned if he forced me into an abortion then we were over anyway and so his choice was to be involved with the baby or not. Ultimately no matter how much I loved him I couldn’t choose him over my baby, which is what he was really asking me to do.

This was EXACTLY me 6 years ago.

My DC is amazing. Keep it, it's the best thing that ever happened to me

I would keep it, but I wouldn't tell the father, I'd want something as close to a sperm donor as possible to keep my life uncomplicated.

Hi op, I conceived my first child aged 29, a total accident. I’d only been with my boyfriend three months so had lots of concerns. A well paid job but no savings, still paying off my student credit card, had just moved countries. It was awful timing. I kept the baby, after a lot of thought, and have zero regrets. I’m 38 now, and pregnant with my third - all the same dad as my boyfriend and I worked out and got married. However, I know that even if we hadn’t and I was a single mum to an eight year old, I would be very happy with my life. Good luck!!

I'm married with a reasonable income and paying for childcare is still a nightmare!

Still, you want a baby and you're pregnant so I would keep it and the rest will come together.

Got a 6 month old & it's worth all the hard work xx

OP just a couple more thoughts from my experience.

Re the father. Of course you should tell him and give him the benefit of the doubt. You got on with him well enough over text and it sounds like he's been a reasonable father to his other dc. And while I know money is important actually an amicable relationship that allows your dc to know him and bond with him is priceless so I would really try to keep it on good terms as much as you possibly can. (Without getting taken advantage of / risking your dc).

In terms of support - I got quite a bit of support from my family even though they live 2 hours away. It would have been easier if they were round the corner but my mum was always on the end of the phone and my dad would come up for the weekend to fix my toilet if required!

My friends were great although most didn't have kids so I tried not to talk about nappies too much!

My biggest mistake in the early days was not going to antenatal/ baby massage / NCT classes. I thought everyone would be in couples and I felt silly. I didn't really make any mum friends but looking back I really needed them and was quite isolated for the first 2 years until my friends started having babies.

And lots of people will tell you that being a single parent is really really hard. I might be wrong because I've never coparented but I see friends with lazy or busy or abusive or cheating or heavy drinking / gambling partners and I think I've got it so much easier. A good partner is better than no partner but being single and having control of your own decisions, money and parenting style is great! Also when you get out of bed at 4 am for the 4th time that night because your baby is being a dick teething it makes you far more pissed off and resentful to have a snoring man next to you than if you are being superwoman and doing it alone. Plus you can cosleep until they are 8!

I recently had a similar thing although I am in a relationship rather than it being a fling. We hadn't been together long so weren't fully stable. He made it clear he didn't want the baby and I couldn't face going through it alone as a single parent or dragging along someone who didn't really want to be a parent.

I'm 34 and like you had never had a pregnancy scare. I do want a family and think this possibly may have been my only chance at motherhood.

My family wouldn't be able to provide help and neither would his so I'd have been very much alone. My job pays decently but I wouldn't be able to continue in it with a baby and the job prospects round here are not good. I knew that I didn't want to rely on financial help or benefits so took the difficult decision of terminating my baby.

I know that decision was the right thing if I wanted my baby to grow up knowing it was wanted by both parents and to not be struggling for money.

Good luck with everything and do what's best for your situation. I got a lot of nasty comments when I posted my situation on here and people got very angry that I decided on termination.
However, I would advise that if you choose termination to do it as early as possible as I waited 3mths and it made it more difficult.

I would keep it, but I wouldn't tell the father, I'd want something as close to a sperm donor as possible to keep my life uncomplicated

Might make life easier for the OP, not really fair on the child though is it?

Often I read about planned for babies with married parents splitting up just before or after birth. Nothing is guaranteed, go for it.

Were you on birth control OP?

Ultimately you're obviously going to keep it. But be very clear, that this is not a sperm donor as that man hasn't given his consent to be a sperm donor, although appreciate the any man takes a risk of pregnancy when he has sex with someone.

I do feel sorry for the father in this situation. He'll end up with a child on a different continent who he'll hardly ever see. Maybe that won't bother him but he sounds like a good dad to the child he already has so this might be really hard for him.

Morally I don't think you can ask for a penny from him and I think if he wants to have a relationship with the child then I think you will have to find the money to visit the US once a year and then it's up to him whether he comes to you.

But don't forget it affects not just this man but others too. His existing child will have a half sibling. His parents will have a grandchild they never see (which would break my heart in their shoes).

So everyone says 'go for it' but think about all those people you're affecting OP.