To keep a baby conceived during a short fling?

[cabalenica]

Namechanged for obvious reasons, although I've only posted a few times before anyway.

I'm 36 and very much want to have children, but have been single for several years.

A few months ago I met someone while visiting friends abroad (in the US) and he recently came over to the UK to visit me. We'd been texting/skyping and at the time I genuinely thought it might go somewhere. However, after 5 days in close quarters it's clear we're not very compatible - nothing major wrong with him, we just didn't click really. We did have a lot of sex over the 5 days though and I've just taken a pregnancy test and got a positive result.

In the last couple of years I've considered whether I might eventually look at sperm donors and having a baby by myself, if I didn't meet anyone; plus I don't really want to be 40 and trying to conceive my first child. On the other hand it's a huge thing to attempt by yourself. My family are lovely but live in another part of the country. I have very kind caring friends nearby but most of them don't have kids yet either, and obviously a bit of help from friends is not the same as having a partner.

He is also in his 30s and already has a daughter, who lives near him with her mum and the mum's new partner. He pays child support for her. I don't think I would want to ask him for any money if I did have the baby. (And no idea whether you can make someone pay child support if they're outside of the UK anyway)

I've actually never had so much as a pregnancy scare before so never had to think about this seriously. I don't have any moral objection to terminations, and would quickly have had an abortion if I was much much younger, but I don't want to end a pregnancy when I really want a baby, and then not have this chance again. Obviously I'd rather have a baby with someone I loved, but I'd rather have one alone than not at all... I think?

I have a pretty decent job (small company though so not great maternity benefits) and I own my flat. However, I am intimidated by the costs of childcare if I had to work and take care of a baby. Haven't got to the point of figuring out how it would work financially, yet.

I'm just looking for any thoughts, esp from anyone who has been in a similar position. Is there anything I should consider that I might not have thought of yet?

I was in an identical situation to you at 33 (nearly 34), except the father was in the UK.

Keeping my DS is the best decision I ever made. He's the light of my life. Like you I was single and thinking about sperm donor route and BAM he just came out of the blue by accident as a result of a short fling.

The only thing I would say is that you WILL need family support one way or another. Can you consider moving closer to your family, if only temporarily during your maternity leave? You will want support during/after the birth and I also found it very difficult when my son and I were getting back to back illnesses as I couldn't care for him properly and needed some help.

You are right that getting child support from a father outside the UK will be extremely difficult but if you are financially independent then don't let that influence you. I think as long as you are honest and accommodating about the father being a part of the child's life then what will be will be... but if you really want this baby then you will have a lot of love for him/her anyway and it may not matter all that much, at least for the first few years. I would say, don't exclude him but make your own decision about what to do.

One thing I would recommend (as a single mum to a child in similar-ish circumstances) is complete honesty in an age-appropriate way from really early on - e.g. "yes, you have a dad, I liked him a lot, he's a very nice man, but he had to go back to his own country."

But make sure you tell the stories in such a way that they can't be spun into an elaborate child's fantasy ("And then when I'm 18 I'll get on a plane and find dad and we'll skip off into the sunset together...")

These things do happen, and have always happened. Children cope. My sister and I discovered we had a cousin in Zimbabwe (uncle on one side of the family) and cousin in Hong Kong (wartime indiscretions of an uncle on the other side of the family)! My cousins seem quite sanguine and laid back about the discovery of their half-siblings on other continents.

Ah congratulations op. In your circumstances I would jump in. You have to tell him of course.

It wouldn't have been a good idea to try to get pregnant, but now you are and you want a baby, so have it. I think you should tell him and work out a way for his family to have some relationship with the child if they want too. He might surprise you and be supportive, he might not, but he and the child have a right to know about each other.

Omg, givemesteel ! He did his part in getting her pregnant! She didn't make him have unprotected sex, he took a huge risk having loads if unprotected sex so leave him out of it; he's not pregnant,OP is, and its her decision. Don't pressure her, its not fair, she has to make her own mind up first its her body.

Warning to all men out there...women get pregnant, shock horror! Who knew!?

So sad to hear that doormat you don't need that judgement, and I just wanted to say you did what was right for you as you are the one that has to go through the procedure and live with your decision so it has to be the right one, no matter which way you choose.

I just wanted to offer some support and let you know that no-one will know better than you what is right. It's brave to come on here and ask such questions, and a shame you had a negative experience.

Smother - absolutely right. I've explained to DS that as a man you get one chance to decide not to be a father - the point at which you choose to put the condom on or not. (Contraception fails, through really minor things like a tummy bug or other drugs where the GP forgot to tell the woman about the side effects - so if you don't want a baby, you don't take chances).

Have you watched Catastrophe, OP? Might spot some similarities!

I got pregnant from a fling at 28 - father turned out to be a knob and my family haven’t been particularly helpful. Went back to work 4mths post-partum and had to fight for maintenance through (what was) CSA.

BUT DD (now 8) is awesome - we are such a team and I have no regrets at all.

Best of luck with your decision.

Omg, givemesteel ! He did his part in getting her pregnant! She didn't make him have unprotected sex, he took a huge risk having loads if unprotected sex so leave him out of it; he's not pregnant,OP is, and its her decision. Don't pressure her, its not fair, she has to make her own mind up first its her body.

Warning to all men out there...women get pregnant, shock horror! Who knew!?

I think I was pretty clear in my first post by saying that "I appreciate that any man takes a risk of pregnancy when he has sex" that I am acknowledging his role in the situation ... So I'm not sure what your "Omg" refers to.

Clearly he took that risk, but the OP didn't mention whether she was on birth control and whether that fails. There are an awful lot of women who seem to have contraceptive failures that also seem to suit their circumstances, but we don't know what the OPs situation was here.

My post was only pointing out that her decision has a knock on effect on several other people, which is undeniable and I am only pointing this out.

How would you feel for example if you divorced your husband and after a short fling of 5 days a woman in another country has a child that is your dcs half sibling? Would that not make you feel sad for your children? It would for me.

Ultimately, her body her choice, I have never said otherwise.

I only point out that all of you that say 'go for it' because she wants a baby are over simplifying the situation,in my opinion.

It sounds to me like you really want a child. I would keep it. I think you would really regret it if you didn't and then were unable to have a child at a later date.

Congratulations.

My post was only pointing out that her decision has a knock on effect on several other people, which is undeniable and I am only pointing this out

How would you feel for example if you divorced your husband and after a short fling of 5 days a woman in another country has a child that is your dcs half sibling? Would that not make you feel sad for your children? It would for me

It’s not the OPs job to think about the feelings of all these people, real or imaginary.

If her ex was worried about all these things he should have used a more reliable form of contraception.

The OP has plenty to do thinking about herself and her baby. That’s quite enough responsibility.

I said OMG! because of your attitude, and there it is again steel blaming women who seem to have an awful lot of contraceptive failures you are still pushing your message. He had choices to keep it in his pants or get properly covered up, he didnt, and that's as far as his job goes. op now has the very real bodily, psychological, emotional and logistical responsiblility of it, so if she takes risks that her lookout and where the buck stops.

He doesn't get to swipe in her direction and if I were her I'd be making my decision for myself and my baby away from his considerations which could well be extremely self-centered, again I give you 'he's not pregnant'

Kennehora so many assumptions in your post, many of which aren't even true! Is there a reason why you don't like women?

Are you female Kennehora or just female blaming, oh did you get they didn't get pregnant by themselves.

It does make me wonder that if women didn't have any contraceptIves available to them how many men would take it seriously enough to never have unprotected sex maybe a few

Why not go the whole hog and just say women trap men by getting pregnant (secretly stealing sperm from their ball sacs)

Childcare is only for a few years til they’re 3.

Unless you work in a school if you work anything like 9-5 you’ll need before and after school childcare, holiday childcare.....

If you are taking folic acid you have already decided subconsciously, or not so subconsciously.
Congratulations

*One thing I would recommend (as a single mum to a child in similar-ish circumstances) is complete honesty in an age-appropriate way from really early on - e.g. "yes, you have a dad, I liked him a lot, he's a very nice man, but he had to go back to his own country."

But make sure you tell the stories in such a way that they can't be spun into an elaborate child's fantasy ("And then when I'm 18 I'll get on a plane and find dad and we'll skip off into the sunset together...")*

This is REALLY good advice.

I think it is worth telling the father in a factual statement kind of way - simply because even if the man chooses to have no on-going involvement, one day your child may wish to contact him. (The other side of it is that it can be a PITA dealing with a father with whom you have no relationship but probably less so when they're on the other side of the world, and I think the honesty factor over-rides that unless there are other serious issues).

It is worth considering how you'd make it work financially and the circle of support (for you as well as your child), but it sounds like you're well on the way to a decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. So congrats!

If you don't keep baby, you will always think what if. Although it is tough going. Good luck.

I love lone parenthood. It's can be lonely at times but really , it's the best. Congrats!

Morally I don't think you can ask for a penny from him and I think if he wants to have a relationship with the child then I think you will have to find the money to visit the US once a year and then it's up to him whether he comes to you.

Morally he knew exactly what he was doing. It takes two.

....and yet you say this: I certainly didn't consciously intend to get pregnant

It does sound female blaming, when he is totally responsible for creating a baby and should pay up if a baby is the result (no more than his part,but definitely his part).

Men can completely be in control of the baby production. They are capable of absolutely ensuring no unplanned babies come along, and if they dont then they are culpable. Even if contraception fails, as it does.

You dtd you pay your share of the outcome, intended or not.

So sick of hearing these things spouted like she trapped me, pathetic and blaming.

It’s pretty obvious you’ve sneakily done it on purpose!

I have no problem with that, men should use protection if they didn’t want a child.