AIBU to feel so angry about EVERYONE being pregnant?

[jemimafuddleduck]

Disclosure - I know IABU, but I just need a rant.

I have low ovarian reserve and have been told the chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none.

Our only option really is IVF using donor eggs.

We have had one round of IVF which failed recently and no embryos to freeze. We are now paying to go abroad which is going to cost at least £11k, possibly more if it doesn't work first time.

Aside from the financial burden, our emotions are everywhere. The only positive thing is that it's made us realise how strong we are as a couple!

And yet, it seems like every day people I know are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat.

All of my friends got pregnant on their first month off contraception. One even had 2 by accident.

One girl I know is 12 weeks. She's been on a city break recently and has been posting about "baby's first holiday" and any naughty food is "the baby wanted it".

Yesterday I found out a family member is 7 weeks. She's already put it all over social media with pictures of her "bump". SHE'S 7 WEEKS!!! This is her third. She's a benefits cheat, an anti vaxxer and is planning to refuse to engage with medical professionals as "her body knows best". 😡😡😡

How is that fair?! It feels so unjust 😭 Sorry for the rant - I just needed to put it out there.

Cross post @Lipsticktraces

Remember that people lie. People on my social media gush about how they’re pregnant first month of trying but I know they came off the pill over and year ago and have been actively trying for ages. People don’t want to admit they’re infertile. I know others who have talked about their surprise baby and how shocked they were to find out they were pregnant, who have told me the surprise was that after 5 rounds of IVF it finally worked. I have other friends who have told me they had IVF and are flat out denying this to other people (though to be fair to these people, no one should be flat-out asking either as it’s none of their business!). Of course people do get pregnant first month TTC/by accident. But you can’t trust everything you see on SM as many people portray a very false image on there.

I do hope the IVF works. And sorry for asking a stupid question, but have you looked into other clinics in the UK rather than going abroad? My first round cost 11k but after that I went to a completely different city where the same thing was around 4k.

MrsMaisel you are coming across as the immature one devoid of empathy.

@lipsticktraces totally right. I think you lose a sense of innocence and hope. Even though i now have children i still envy people who fall pregnant easily as they get to keep those things.
For example, I automatically assume the worst now when i go to doctors!

For those asking about the cost - our clinic in the UK is much cheaper but has a waiting list for donor eggs. We could get eggs quicker in the UK but would have to pay an extra £3k just to be matched with someone!
We are going to IVF Spain and could get one cycle cheaper but have chosen to go for a package which guarantees 3 embryos. The £11k I've said will also include transport, accommodation etc.
We have spoken to Reprofit in Brno but I wasn't keen on them.

Good luck jemima. We are very happy with our decision to go abroad

OP - infertility is absolutely horrible. We suffered 10 years of medical interventions and identikit protocols before going to an ivf clinic in Spain. It was the best decision as our second cycle there resulted in dc. Feeling optimistic we’ve gone back for number 2 and suffered with 3 miscarriages including one at 20 weeks over the past two years.

It is really hard when it feels as if everyone everywhere is showing off their bump or scan. What really helped me was taking time away from them, so that when their baby arrived I could celebrate their baby rather than feeling the pang of my non pregnancy. Totally illogical but it helped me.

I will say that the ivf road isn’t for the feint hearted and I’ve become so much stronger as person a result. What I wouldn’t give to be my softy self and have all happen so easily but we all have our own paths in life. Dust yourself off, pick yourself up and good luck with the treatment in Spain.

This is so hard. I feel for you. It took the best part of a decade to have our DC and I endured repeat miscarriages (before and afterwards; DC is and will always be an only child). One of the saddest days of my life was the day I went in for a D&C; the same my BiL's wife gave birth to their first child. I was relieved for them that their DC had safely arrived as no way would I wish on anyone else what I'd been suffering myself. But a part of me felt so incredibly bitter. Then - perhaps it's the women in us and the way we have been taught and socially-conditioned to behave - we beat ourselves up with guilt for having these envious feelings, which in the circumstances are entirely natural.

You feel what you feel. Acknowledge those emotions and don't give yourself an even harder time of things than you're suffering already. Of course seeing pregnant women everywhere, scan pics all over Facebook (I'd never do that in a million years), is going to hurt you. You're human; it would probably be more worrying if you felt differently.

All X for you, OP, for success in your future IVF treatments. It's a hard ride you've been dealt, and I'm so sorry xx

Clearly in the minority here but I totally see where @MrsMaisel is coming from. And I say this as someone who has been ttc #1 for over 2 years, lined up for IVF in the next couple of months. I don’t think she was right to say people who don’t understand her comment are immature/wallowing etc., however.

I don't see where she is coming from and I have a child with a disability who was born after infertility, IVF and pregnancy loss. I don't think it is helpful to tell someone that other people have it bad and at least you haven't got that.

@jemimafuddleduck I wasn’t impressed with reprofit either when I spoke to them, even though I know people rave about them.

We went to New Life In Thessaloniki. It’s 6000 euros around and you’re guaranteed at least two top grade embryos per round. They are an amazing clinic. I’ve heard good things about IVF Spain but we couldn’t afford the Spanish clinics!

I get it OP. I'm 20 and in a loving relationship and in NO position to have a child rn (finances and doing my degree) but every day I go on YouTube or Facebook and another young couple are pregnant and doing stupid gender reveals and emotional posts and I just want to punch them.

We are not trying to have a child either but my want for one really makes me pissed when I see other young people having babies. (Especially young ones that have loads of kids and don't work etc).

Just gotta hold on for 4 years or so when i have a good job, we own our own home and are much more stable in terms of finances.

YANBU. The whole thing is a crapshoot and entirely random. I did nothing to deserve conceiving easily enough and giving birth to a healthy baby, just as you've done nothing to deserve the struggles you're having. It's hard to come to terms with something that is so unfair, especially when it seems some people who don't seem to value their children etc. have no issues in popping them out, when people who are desperate to be parents and would be fantastic parents can't manage through no fault of their own.

I hope your next round of IVF works

I hear you. Currently waiting to miscarry my second IVF pregnancy. £25k down and only insanity to show for it. Hating everybody and everything. I have never felt so alone.

MrsMaisel we were lucky that we were only TTC for two years(although my mate excitedly told me he'd got his friend pregnant ona FWB one nighter during this time!!) and now have a child with a chromosome disorder, complex medical needs and who spent the first 18 months more in than out of hospital. I honestly cannot relate to your post. I'd never swap the pain of being hos Mum for the pain of infertility. If I had the choice of him or none I'd pick him every single day, ten times over. And I'd pick him over any other xhd tbh cos he's bloody awesome

I’m also a little embarrassed by the collective immaturity here because people who have taken a while to ttc, long enough to think it might not happen, or for whom it never has, are able to express their feelings about it collectively and support someone in pain?
I wonder how long it took you to ttc MrsM and how philosophical you were about it ever happening?

Unfortunately the pain doesn't go away. I am past childbearing age now (well, apart from Janet Jackson or Brigitte Nilsson!) but I still get a stomach knot and feel downhearted when I see pregnant women. Or even worse hear the silly trilling of super-fertile people. I had to sit there grinning like a maniac whilst some relatives of dh talked about coordinating their conceptions to land on their own birthdays. And what's worse they managed it, too. Pah.

I feel you, OP. We had our first cycle of IVF three weeks ago and are having to wait til April to do a transfer as I overstimulated. I egg shared so donated half of my eggs to someone in need of them which is something I felt very passionately about.

Everyone is bloody pregnant. I’m actually okay with newborns but being around pregnant women makes my heart hurt.

'I think you lose a sense of innocence and hope. '

I think it's deep grief and heartbreak that changes you forever. I am a very different person than I was on the other side of grief, some of that is positive but my god it's been gruelling

It's amazing how many people just cannot handle feelings, their own or anyone else's. They try to jolly you out of it or make you feel bad for feeling angry / bitter/ heartbroken, or start flooding you with suggestions and solutions. It hurts and just makes you feel even more alone. A good 'wallow' can be perfectly healthy- you're just listening to yourself and engaging in a bit of self preservation

@Justwaitingforaline I was exactly the same. Newborns were fine, but pregnant women really bothered me.

@Lipsticktraces - how does the guarantee work? Do they refund you if you don't get two top grade embryos?

The problem with infertility is that if you haven't experienced it then you can not imagine how awful and all consuming it is. It's easy to say 'oh yes, it would be awful' - but to truly imagine how you would feel it's virtually impossible.

OP - please ignore the insensitive and unhelpful posts, and I urge you to find a thread on the infertility board to make your home while you're ttc. My thread over there got me through some really awful times.

To those who think the OP is being unreasonable please try to remember that she (and most other infertile people) don't want or try to feel the way they do. Most of us are terribly upset that we can't feel genuine happiness for our friends and family when they make an announcement. We don't want to be scared of opening social media in case we see a scan picture. We don't want to isolate ourselves from our friends. You can't help how you feel, and in my experience most infertile people feel the same. Maybe all of us are unreasonable...

YNBU It’s really hard to put a brave face on things when you’re struggling with the possibility of childlessness when it’s the last thing you wanted.

I’m 35, have always wanted a family of my own and for some reason so far good relationships with men who love me and want to commit have not came my way. It’s looking like I’ll never have children and I’m broken-hearted. I wanted to have had children by now and feel the emptiness in my life where a husband and children would have been. I couldn’t be more single right now and 39 is my personal cut off for having children.

Meanwhile everyone I know seems to be announcing pregnancy. I even know a woman who was told she was totally infertile for 18 years who got pregnant to a ONS and a pregnant “man” (trans). Whilst I am really happy for everyone that’s pregnant, I smile and congratulate them then go home and sob my heart out. I’ve filled my life with hobbies but everyone at the hobbies is pregnant so I can’t go away. For the first time in my life I’ve had to stop volunteering at a charity that helps babies in need and I’ve also had to make excuses not to attend baby showers.

Meanwhile I have to deal with all the “you’d better get a move on/what’s wrong with you/your eggs wont last forever you know” comments.

I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. This was never what I wanted.

I hope things work out for you and you do get the family you want soon. In the meantime, please be kind to yourself and vent away on here when you have to. You aren’t alone and there are lots of us sending virtual hugs your way and understanding that yes, it hurts, it sucks and it’s not your fault .

@ShadyLady53 have you considered going it alone?

@KatnissMellark Thanks, maybe via adoption but I’d have to grieve the possibility of biological children first and line things up biologically. I couldn’t bring myself to go down the donor route as conflicts with my personal values.

I meant line things up financially!

By all means get it out of your system OP.

But ultimately, do get it out of your system. Whatever happens to you in life, you don't want to waste energy in the long term being angry about others, especially others where you feel as though 'don't deserve' kids, it's just not worth it.

I hope everything turns out good for you in the end.