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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry about EVERYONE being pregnant?

110 replies

jemimafuddleduck · 21/02/2019 06:57

Disclosure - I know IABU, but I just need a rant.

I have low ovarian reserve and have been told the chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none.

Our only option really is IVF using donor eggs.

We have had one round of IVF which failed recently and no embryos to freeze. We are now paying to go abroad which is going to cost at least £11k, possibly more if it doesn't work first time.

Aside from the financial burden, our emotions are everywhere. The only positive thing is that it's made us realise how strong we are as a couple!

And yet, it seems like every day people I know are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat.

All of my friends got pregnant on their first month off contraception. One even had 2 by accident.

One girl I know is 12 weeks. She's been on a city break recently and has been posting about "baby's first holiday" and any naughty food is "the baby wanted it".

Yesterday I found out a family member is 7 weeks. She's already put it all over social media with pictures of her "bump". SHE'S 7 WEEKS!!! This is her third. She's a benefits cheat, an anti vaxxer and is planning to refuse to engage with medical professionals as "her body knows best". 😡😡😡

How is that fair?! It feels so unjust 😭 Sorry for the rant - I just needed to put it out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
jemimafuddleduck · 21/02/2019 08:47

Thanks all and I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles as well. Infertility sucks doesn't it.

A break from social media probably would do me good, although I have unfollowed a lot of the people who are causing me upset.

I have had counselling through my clinic but to be honest I didn't feel it massively helped.

OP posts:
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 21/02/2019 08:57

I hope your IVF works for you OP. I’ve just got myself some crystals to try to see if they help and am thinking about going and speaking to my doctor even though I know they won’t do anything because it’s only been a year I think I know what is causing all my problems though my weight for one and I’ve been under a lot of stress since last year all caused by his family.

laurG · 21/02/2019 09:15

I feel for you op. It must be terribly, terribly hard. There is no fairness in who gets to get pregnant. You can be the healthiest person in the world and do everything ‘right’ with no luck.

However, it isn’t fair to be angry at others announcing their pregnancies. They have every right to be happy as you would if you do if you are one day in their shoes.

My sister has had terrible troubles getting pregnant. What helped was actually talking about it and being open so that you don’t have to lie about not drinking or why you are not in a good way. It also makes people think before saying stupid things.

FoggyDay58 · 21/02/2019 09:38

YANBU Flowers. I think a lot of people say they got pregnant first time, or by accident, or when they were on the pill, because they want everyone to think it was easy for them. There's so much shame tied up with not being able to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat - and there shouldn't be. But I know many many people who claim one of the above stories and I just don't buy that it happens like that so often. Wishing you strength OP xx

Harveyrabbit76 · 21/02/2019 09:41

@laurG so you would never feel a flicker of upset when someone else announces a pregnancy? If you suffer infertility problems and dont do this then you must be a saint! I take it you have also been on an infertility journey?

Waiting4mumhood · 21/02/2019 09:49

I feel you! We have low eggs and no sperm so it's donor and crossed fingers and many grands down the pan for us, cycle 1 didn't work and we are planning on a second go in the summer but it's hard...totally not UR to feel that way, it's all so unfair. My hubby is the best person I know, I can't understand why stupid evolution doesn't want more of him! But I find it helps to let go of fairness and envy and just see the beauty in those happy families (easier said than done and I'm failing it daily but I keep trying!) Love and hugs xxx

Waiting4mumhood · 21/02/2019 09:52

Also @LaurG it's all well and good saying talk to people but most people don't actually understand. Nor should they, they've not been through it. I've been stung sharing before, most of the time it doesnt help. Finding a forum or community of people in the same situation is helpful though.

Gandalfsring · 21/02/2019 09:55

I think a flicker of upset is natural. Holding resentment towards, and scrutinising the life and habits of, and choosing whether of not those who do find it easy to fall pregnant are less worthy than you to have a baby is poisonous.

Spikeyball · 21/02/2019 09:55

"However, it isn’t fair to be angry at others announcing their pregnancies."

Knowing it isn't fair doesn't take away the feeling of anger. The OP doesn't say that she is behaving in an angry towards them. Feeling angry in this situation is a completely normal feeling.

PurpleDaisies · 21/02/2019 09:57

My sister has had terrible troubles getting pregnant. What helped was actually talking about it and being open so that you don’t have to lie about not drinking or why you are not in a good way. It also makes people think before saying stupid things.

I’m glad that’s been your sister’s experience, but generally it really doesn’t stop people saying stupid things. If anything, it makes it worse. They give you ridiculous advice on how to conceive, abc how their aunt’s cousin’s step-daughter’s friend was told she couldn’t get pregnant but they she started herbs/stopped trying/started the adoption process/put her trust in a new deity etc and she got pregnant immediately. They ask if you’ve thought about adopting. They tell you to get a dog.

Lottapianos · 21/02/2019 10:41

'However, it isn’t fair to be angry at others announcing their pregnancies. '

Feelings don't work that way unfortunately. They're not always 'fair' or rational. They're real though, and there for a reason, and they need to be FELT, even the hideously uncomfortable ones

laurG · 21/02/2019 10:45

@purpledaisies people give stupid advice throughout every stage of conception/pregnancy/birth/motherhood / some of which can be very insensitive and hurtful. However, at least they can avoid saying really stupid stuff if they know what’s going on.

@harveyrabbit 76 I obviously understand why the op would feel very hard done by. It isn’t fair. But life isn’t fair. Terrible things happen to people for no reason. But judging who is worthy of having kids isn’t going to help come to terms with the possibility that op may never have them. There is no fairness accepting this has to be the first step forward.

Original poster
jemimafuddleduck · 21/02/2019 10:46

I absolutely would never show that I'm upset with people for being pregnant! I always congratulate people, smile, and ask relevant questions/enquire about their health etc.

It's just inside I'm hurting and feeling angry towards people.

And I totally understand that awful to feel so bitter about it, and that it's helping no-one and only harming myself.

Also - I agree with others about not talking about it. My friends, whilst they might sympathise, absolutely would not understand. How could they?!

OP posts:
Original poster
jemimafuddleduck · 21/02/2019 10:47

@laurG Have you been through infertility yourself?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/02/2019 10:56

However, at least they can avoid saying really stupid stuff if they know what’s going on.

Did you not read my post? Hmm

Spikeyball · 21/02/2019 11:02

laurG what she is feeling is normal and knowing that it is normal helps someone to come to terms with it. It is a form of grief and grief often involves anger.

RiverTam · 21/02/2019 11:07

keep on ranting, OP - it's totally understandable.

I would come off social media for a bit - always good to have a break from it anyway and it makes it much easier to keep all this stuff at arm's length.

NiktheGreek · 21/02/2019 11:08

This was me 20 years ago. Thankfully no social media then. I think obviously because of the life stage you are at then yes it feels like everyone around you is pregnant ( and seemingly easily) . I was in quite a large friendship group so we all married and started ttc within a couple of years of each other. It was so bloody hard as one by one they all fell pregnant. Except me. I always plastered on a smile and congratulated them but nobody knew how much my heart was breaking. Anyway fast forward 20 years and I have 2 most amazing children, now teens . We adopted them and I now have no regrets about anything. I realise you are nowhere near this stage and you have your own journey to go through but I just want to wish you all the best .

sillysmiles · 21/02/2019 11:09

@laurG people feel hard done by and that life is unfair when they don't get the job they want, or get passed over for a promotion or many multitudes of things.

The feeling of cosmic unfairness at infertility it considerably greater than any of that. It's not just the unfairness of not having a baby, it about the losing the future you and your OH have planned together, it's about never seeing your kids go to school, never helping them achieve who they are, never watching them grow up, never seeing them get married, never having grandchildren.
It's about all the hundred and one little things that people who don't understand infertility will complain about, but you'd love to have the opportunity to have.

So it is not just about people being pregnant - it's about the entire loss of what you had planned as your future.

Lottapianos · 21/02/2019 11:14

Spot on Spikey

Snowflakes1122 · 21/02/2019 11:23

Flowers I agree with the taking a break from social media idea.

You aren’t being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

Rspu3 · 21/02/2019 11:28

Hi op I know of your username from the infertility boards as I’m a poster there too. No your not being unreasonable it hurts like hell, before being in this infertility ttc nightmare I’m in I was a pretty happy person.
Know I’ve changed after 6years of trying with no bfp at all I’ve changed completely. I hardly
Go out my house, I avoid certain family members because I can’t bare to see them with their bumps or babies/children. Even the aptamil advert where the woman is breastfeeding send me into an emotional meltdown. It’s horrendous heartbreaking and soul destroying. I also think it’s made me and my partner stronger. Recently a girl I know on Facebook ( has 3 kids with a man who sleeps all day while on the sick benefits, cheats on her and goes out every weekend) posted a little speech on fb that her and her hubby have been through so much a lot more than most couples and come out stronger. 😑I really had to stop myself.
I really hope we both get what we want so badly one day but for now you are not being unreasonable and you are definatly not alone in how you feel x

MrsMaisel · 21/02/2019 11:34

This is entirely normal but clearly also naive - remember that many ‘successful’ parents have babies and children who face a myriad of medical challenges. So when you’re feeling jealous - remember there are a number of these ‘successful’ parents enduring grief and turmoil. This is something you’re missing too by not being a parent yet. I’m not saying be careful what you wish for - but don’t imagine that we all get the ideal experience for ourselves and our kids that we imagined when we yearned for a baby.

Harveyrabbit76 · 21/02/2019 11:36

@sillysmiles exactly!!

Gandalfsring · 21/02/2019 11:36

have you posted on the wrong thread?

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