AIBU to feel so angry about EVERYONE being pregnant?

[jemimafuddleduck]

Disclosure - I know IABU, but I just need a rant.

I have low ovarian reserve and have been told the chances of conceiving naturally are slim to none.

Our only option really is IVF using donor eggs.

We have had one round of IVF which failed recently and no embryos to freeze. We are now paying to go abroad which is going to cost at least £11k, possibly more if it doesn't work first time.

Aside from the financial burden, our emotions are everywhere. The only positive thing is that it's made us realise how strong we are as a couple!

And yet, it seems like every day people I know are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat.

All of my friends got pregnant on their first month off contraception. One even had 2 by accident.

One girl I know is 12 weeks. She's been on a city break recently and has been posting about "baby's first holiday" and any naughty food is "the baby wanted it".

Yesterday I found out a family member is 7 weeks. She's already put it all over social media with pictures of her "bump". SHE'S 7 WEEKS!!! This is her third. She's a benefits cheat, an anti vaxxer and is planning to refuse to engage with medical professionals as "her body knows best". 😡😡😡

How is that fair?! It feels so unjust 😭 Sorry for the rant - I just needed to put it out there.

Bugger off with that mrs. Totally unhelpful.

I'm so sorry you're both having to go through this and also it's completely understandable how you're feeling. When I was pregnant I worked in an office, where there were just four of us. It turned out that one of those ladies was having difficulties conceiving. She, understandably, felt bitter and angry. While obviously it was not my fault being pregnant, it was a difficult situation in such a small office. I'm pleased to say she had a happy ending and eventually had two children by IVF treatment. Hang on in there, jemima, wishing you the very best for a successful outcome. I echo what others have said, I would stay off social media, no point punishing yourself with this.

You bugger off - apparently wallowing in misery is the only opinion permitted... I’m saying you have to be philosophical about this or it will be your undoing. You’re not waiting in line for a cabbage patch kid, you’re throwing the dice and you may get a baby who brings their own set of problems. Having an entitlement mentality will set you up for failure, on your own and as a parent.

What a load of bollocks. My much longed and waited for dc has autism and a myriad of problems. I still class myself as being ‘successful’ and extremely fortunate.

This is something you’re missing too by not being a parent yet

Award for the most unhelpful comment goes to...

The fact that some parents go through awful experiences with their children does not mean people with fertility issues should feel lucky they've missed out on that possibility. The two scenarios are entirely separate and irrelevant to each other and people experiencing both are entitled to be hurt, angry and upset for different reasons.

Getting into the whole 'well at least you haven't / will never experience x y or z' is so dismissive of someone's feelings. It's not a competition.

I'm in the same boat as you but no one knows my situation and I've taken a step back from a lot of people and currently in my own bubble but I'm OK with that and I'm concentrating on myself and my DH and getting myself ready for my next round of ivf. Good luck to you, worry about yourself and take a step back from everyone xxx

Rant away, infertility is horrendous and people just don't get it. We have our children thanks to IVF but when I was pregnant I was very aware of the possibility of people in the street quietly suffering from infertility and seeing my bump. I wanted to wear a big badge saying 'IVF baby!'
Wishing you so much luck with your treatment. That is very expensive for IVF abroad though, definitely shop around. We went to Czech republic xx

'I’m saying you have to be philosophical about this or it will be your undoing'

She doesn't 'have to' do a damn thing. Your post is totally devoid of empathy and it's not helpful in the slightest. People who don't have children have often given more thought to what being a parent entails than many who do have children

IVF donor egg mummy here. I hear you- I felt just the same. My sister in law came over to tell me she was pregnant and show off her scan photo just as I was starting my injections for ivf. I couldn't physically see her again until I was pregnant. I felt like a horrible bitter person but couldn't help it. It was a firm itself preservation I think. Fingers crossed for you xx

Yes probably some of them have. And that doesn’t mean they ‘deserve’ it any more, and it really doesn’t matter. I do empathise but I’m also a little embarrassed by the collective immaturity here.

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time to get pregnant and of course you are going to feel how you do.

The only becon of hope I can offer you is I had a friend was told she was unlikely to be able to have kids due to polycystic overuse and started going through menopause at 36 and CIA some miracle e she fell pregnant ( after tons of trying and heartache also ) it was when she gave up it happened

2nd Miracle little autum seemed to sort my friends body out and she started having her first ever regular periods and 2 weeks before her 41st birthday gave birth to her 2nd daughter.

It can still work and I do hope you fall pregnant soon.

Thoughts are with you x

Typical MN, come on a thread full of people in pain and tell them they should think themselves fortunate and that they are immature.

OP just ignore, it's impossible for some people to understand but you aren't alone

But judging who is worthy of having kids isn’t going to help come to terms with the possibility that op may never have them. There is no fairness accepting this has to be the first step forward

I think is really important actually and was something that really helped me.

When you start thinking “why them and not me” you’re adding to your bitterness. There isn’t that finite number of children, they haven’t got the one that should be yours.

Life isn’t fair and you absolutely must do whatever you need to grieve for the situation you’re in.

Comparison really do hurt you more though.

I'm sorryOP that even here you have to.put up with 'helpful' comments such as he thankful you don't have a child with medical issues/accepting others pregnancies happily is the first step to coming to terms with your IF, blah blah blah. How sad that the one place you can get responses from those who genuinely understand is still blighted by Stupid. Just know that the vast majority of us don't think like that, and truly hope you realise your dreams one day. X

I too feel your pain. And what made me feel even worse is that I felt such hatred towards other friends and family who got pregnant! I was angry with myself, angry with them and angry at the world. However, I also agree with others that you have to find a way to come to terms with how you feel. I suggest that you think about seeing a counsellor for a short while, possibly even before trying IVF again. I saw one when some different life events got too much, and as part of the counselling my feelings around having trouble conceiving were addressed. I wish I'd done it at the time as I may have saved myself years of anger.
Remember, conception isn't about luck. It's about medical science. Try not to think of you as being unlucky while others are lucky. You'll just become jealous and bitter. Please try to enjoy your life as it is and that having a child would be a bonus. Please don't spend years wishing your life was different.

Rant away, sweetheart. I was in almost exactly the same boat as you, 12 yrs ago. It's beyond heart breaking & no-one who's not in that situation really gets it, no matter what they tell you.

All I can really say is stay strong, keep positive & I REALLY wish you all the very very best of luck. I was at my utter wit's end when I actually conceived naturally & despite a very tricky pregnancy, we have a healthy 11yr old to show for it, so miracles DO happen.

XXX

Thanks again all for your supportive and helpful comments. I know it sounds awful but sometimes it's just nice to know that I'm not alone and that others have felt the same as me.

In relation to some of the more unhelpful comments (@mrsmaisel) - clearly I am fully aware that life with children isn't all rainbows and happiness. OBVIOUSLY I know that some babies/children have various issues/disabilities. But if I had a broken leg, and my friend had cancer, I would surely still be allowed to feel pain over my leg, no?

Also, some of the other unhelpful comments are exactly why I don't tell anyone about our struggles.. "Miracle babies" etc.. Yes, I hope to God I do have a miracle baby!! But I will go with what my Doctors have told em for now, and assume that's not going to happen.

Yes, I'm wallowing, and I admit that. Tomorrow hopefully I'll feel better. A lot of you have actually really helped me, thank you xx

Sorry @gingerbiscuits, cross post. I wasn't aiming that at you! x

I think until you have suffered infertility, you can't judge and class someone as immature. Getting your head round the fact that you probably won't have children is hard and you go through a grieving process. I suppose one is naive in thinking that having children is what our body is there for and so when it doesn't do the job its a bit of a shocker.
Just to maybe give you some hope, i had very few eggs, 3 failed ivfs and decided to try donor eggs as told no pregnancy otherwise. Month before due to start cycle, i fell pregnant naturally. I now have 2 children. It was not an easy journey and i think i am a very different persom to before. I would love to have some of my old immature qualities back quite frankly

YANBU op. Infertility is the most horrendously painful thing to experience.

I have been exactly where you are now. I was told I had LOR four years ago and practically zero chance of conceiving. I was told I would need an egg donor.

It almost destroyed me. I couldn’t bare to so much as look at a baby/pregnant woman. The pain was unbearable.

Ignore the few idiots on this thread. Those who haven’t lived through infertility are incapable of understanding the agony of it.

I wish you all the best with your treatment If you haven’t already decided on a clinic then I can recommend an amazing one overseas.

I do empathise but I’m also a little embarrassed by the collective immaturity here.’
You don’t empathise or you’d never tell a woman wanting to have a baby but not being able to to think herself lucky for all the tough bits of parenting she’ll miss out on. I’m embarrassed for you.

@Harveyrabbit Infertility just changes you doesn’t it? I think it kills something inside you that you never fully get back, whether you go on to have babies or not.

Try not to think of you as being unlucky while others are lucky. You'll just become jealous and bitter

This is good advice.

It’s so hard not to think of being “rewarded” with a pregnancy, or that you’re somehow being punished for something with infertility. I think actually trying to think about the fact that it IS a purely biological process is helpful.

Telling someone suffering infertility to be grateful they don't have a sick kid is like telling someone without legs to be grateful they can't feel any pain in them. Don't be so fucking stupid.

Quite @PurpleDaisies It’s a bit like telling a double amputee that at least they’ll miss out on the pain of walking in high heels!