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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel ashamed at going back to work full time

100 replies

Gingerale12 · 20/02/2019 09:44

Hi all
I'm sure I ABU and please no one take this as a bashing against FT working/ PT working/SAHM because I honestly don't mean to start a debate! Anyway I am the only person I know IRL with this problem and it's really upsetting me. I am 6 m pregnant and will have to go back to work FT because I can't afford to go PT or otherwise. Say I earn 2000 pm after tax full time, I would lose 400 pm on a 4 day week. But childcare is 60 per day therefore 1200 pm for 5dpw or 960pm for 4dpw. So if I worked 5dpw after CC I would have 800 left over but on 4dpw I would only have 640 left over. With 3dpw I lose even more money.

DP earns roughly the same as me and all bills come from his wages (high rent where we are) so my wages are needed for food, petrol etc as well as CC. I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself, but everyone that I speak to always says along the lines off 'its not worth going back to work once you've paid for CC, it would take all my wages'. And I get that for lots of ppl this is true, I really do but for me it's not the case.i have to work to buy food! I told someone the other day that I have to go back FT because my wages are higher than CC and they didn't know what to say and were a bit

All my colleagues (who are lovely) are shocked that I am coming back FT and cannot comprehend it. It's so embarrassing and i feel like a freak! It feels like it's ok to moan about the cost of CC but no one I know truly has to work FT because of this problem. DP feels sad that he doesn't earn enough to keep us on one wage and I feel like shit that I have to go back FT with everyone questioning it and being shocked.

AIBU to feel like the only person I know in this position ?? Thanks for reading

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 20/02/2019 09:48

Your friends must be very low paid and topped up with tax credits or are living privileged lived with very wealthy aprtners.

Normal people have to go back to work, the choice to stay at home largely isnt ther any more.

Someone will be along to tell you to up sticks and relocate to some god forsaken part of the country with low house prices, zero employment opportunities and absolutely no support network if you want to be at home. Or you should have saved since you were 4 years old, working 27 hours a day to prepare for This

Wolfiefan · 20/02/2019 09:49

So you’re going to work to provide for your family? They ABU for not understanding that.
You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or like shit. You’re paying for childcare not leaving your LO to be raised by wolves.
Some people like to judge. Ignore and know you’re doing your very best for your family.

Birdsgottafly · 20/02/2019 09:49

How old is your Baby?

My Friend is having to go back to work, full time, when her Baby is four months old.

I know lots of Women, who pay for childcare having to go back full-time. It tends to be the ones who get Family help who can just do part time.

Either that or they have to do part time to keep their job open.

Settlersofcatan · 20/02/2019 09:51

Earning more than childcare costs is something I am proud of - shows that I made good career decisions - and I like providing financially for my child.

I do 4.5 days compressed into 4 which gives me a day with my toddler without costing too much - my DH does the same. Is that an option?

SmarmyMrMime · 20/02/2019 09:52

Do what is right for your family. Feel no guilt.

Auntiepatricia · 20/02/2019 09:54

Huh? Frankly you’re looking at this all wrong. I feel sorry for people who don’t earn enough to pay for childcare, that literally means they have less choices than you. I know you NEED to work for groceries cost etc but at least you will have a job in a few years and your family future (and your freedom) is on a far more upward trajectory for it. I’m sorry to say that out loud because it’s not something SAHP like to hear but it’s true. So be proud of earning enough to go back to work and be proud that you will be working hand in hand with your DH to keep financial security and stability for your family. If you really want to be a SAHP then that might be an option too later.

MyDcAreMarvel · 20/02/2019 09:55

If you are earning £4K a month net between you with one child you can afford to drop £160 a month.
You will be entitled to tax free childcare so that will offset the £160 anyway.

Divgirl2 · 20/02/2019 09:56

You have to do what is right for you, and remember you will be eligible for tax free childcare so that's up to £2000 "free money" a year from the government.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/02/2019 09:56

I think many women have to go back to work full time, when they perhaps would rather have the opportunity to do part time. I think your colleagues are being a bit judgmental and unkind to respond as they have.

I just wanted to check that you are factoring in child benefit into your calculations?

EvaHarknessRose · 20/02/2019 10:00

They don't understand the economics of high rent.

That said, take a close look at any areas you can economise on, whether or not one of you drops wages. Or look at whether either of you can work condensed hours or more flexibly.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 20/02/2019 10:00

Don't be daft. Women have always worked full time! It will be hard at the start but you will be OK.
One massive advantage is that your husband will know from the outset that housework needs to be split 50/50 just like work and childcare are.
He also needs to understand that in the fortunate circumstances of there being two of you, he can try and get flex hours (at least ask) so you can hopefully bookend either side of the day between you.
If these things haven't been discussed, sit down with him asap and make things clear.
What you don't want is to come home from a full days work to ALL the housework.
Also, full time work will bring more promotion opportunities, and maybe once you are earning a better wage you might be able to afford to cut a few hours
As for what other people think..you better stop giving a shit now, because mothers get judged for every little thing they do and if you care this much you're going to find it unbearable!

TwinkleTits70 · 20/02/2019 10:01

Don't feel ashamed OP, you are doing what is needed to care and provide for your family.

Have you checked www.entitledto.co.uk/ to double check your calculations?

soberfabulous · 20/02/2019 10:02

I went back to work full time when my baby was 5 months old.

I will not be shamed for:

Being good at my job
Enjoying my work
Having a career
Using my education
Providing for my family and being self sufficient
Being a role model for my daughter: independence and team work and contribution

What is shameful about any of that?

I would have gone back to work even if I hadn't been paid TBH.

I love what I do. I am good at it. I have slogged my guts out for two decades to get where I am. I've invested a lot of money in my education. Why waste it?

Dohee · 20/02/2019 10:03

What is CC? Does it mean credit card?

WhiteCat1704 · 20/02/2019 10:03

I second compressed hours and if your DH can get them too it would only be 3 days in childcare for your DC.

I went back to work full time-with flexible working- and have no regrets. I still have a career!
Also the only people I know that work part-time are either subsidised heavily by tax credits or their husbands are on very high wages. I would not personally want to relay on the state OR my husband to keep me. If relationship breaks down in years to come(plenty of examples on this forum) you would leave yourself and your child in a very difficult position.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/02/2019 10:04

@Dohee CC is ChildCare I assumed.

IntentsAndPorpoises · 20/02/2019 10:04

I went back full time when my oldest was 6 months. I love working full time (I've done both).

However chikdcare should be deducted equally from both your salaries, not just yours. It enables you both to work.

Original poster

Gingerale12 · 20/02/2019 10:06

Hi all

Thank you so much for your responses, it's certainly given me food for thought. It's good to hear some positive views. To answer questions (sorry I don't know how to tag people):
Baby will probably be 10 months. I guess I am very lucky that I get this time, going back after 4 months is tough!!

Yes I'm factoring in CB and tax free CC etc, the above is a rough estimate. I know 160 pm doesn't seem a lot to lose but it's the difference between having a bit left over at the end of the month or not.

Compressed hours is something I am going to talk to manager about but it's not really 'done' at my work as new parents usually come back PT! I will ask though.

I guess I do live in a prosperous area and we are behind lots of ppl in terms of wages. My DPs work is difficult to find else where in the country so we can't move for now. I don't think colleagues are being nasty on purpose, they just don't understand why I can't afford it!

Thanks again all x

OP posts:

RedSkyLastNight · 20/02/2019 10:08

Does your husband also get comments about him working full-time?

Thought not.

Megadesk63 · 20/02/2019 10:08

I was in the same boat OP, don't worry! When DS was 1m old I went back part time and when he was 2m old I went back full time (albeit on light duties). Ppl are amazed I'm back but don't like to hear the hard truth that economically it's the only way for everything to get paid for! He's 7m old now and we are in the swing of it mostly and he loves being at nursery! So don't worry :)

Dohee · 20/02/2019 10:09

Can I just add that I worked full time, as a single mother. All costs came to moi. All household tasks. Cooking/cleaning etc. I paid out 1/3rd childcare, 1/3rd rent, and 1/3rd was for petrol, tax, insurance, food, phone, internet, electricity, gas, entertainment, tobacco (smoker). Tobacco was the only thing I had. I don't think I left the house for years. I was lucky in that people bought clothes for dd and her childminder would pass down her clothes to dd, but I don't think I bought a lipstick for about 4 years.

MissSueFlay · 20/02/2019 10:09

It's hard when you're in an environment where you are going against the 'norm', but please don't tie yourself up in knots about this. You and your husband (because the childcare costs are not just your responsibility) can afford quality childcare, and you will be maintaining your career and pension.

Are the people who 'cannot comprehend' you returning FT as shocked about your DH continuing to work FT after your baby is born? Thought not.

Heymummee · 20/02/2019 10:09

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of at all. I went back to work full time after having both of my children. With my first I went back after 14 months and after my second I went back after 9 months. We cant afford for me not to work, but we are in the fortunate position that my job pays enough to cover childcare. You should be proud of yourself that you are able to provide for your family and don’t forget, one day your baby will be in school and then grown up, and you haven’t sacrificed your career.
I now work full time hours compressed into 4 days to have a day off with my baby, is that an option? Once we factored that in and also tax free childcare the costs are actually manageable. Also depending where you are there’s also free hours for childcare which kick in aged 3, so the outlay is really only short term in the grand scheme of things.
I really enjoy going to work and some people have been quite rude about that (oh don’t you miss your baby, I couldn’t leave mine etc etc), but having that time where you are you, then coming home to your baby will be great for you. Exhausting, but rewarding. I admire stay at home parents (it’s bloody hard work and I don’t think I could do it) and I also think those who can afford to go part time are incredibly lucky, but I wouldn’t change my situation.

NeverStopExploring · 20/02/2019 10:10

I will be taking 6 months maternity and then back to work full time. Can not afford to go part time as dh wages are about the same as our bills so mine are food, petrol etc and soon childcare. I feel guilty already that my child will be in full time nursery at such a young age but there isn’t an alternative

CountessVonBoobs · 20/02/2019 10:11

Earning more than childcare costs is something I am proud of - shows that I made good career decisions - and I like providing financially for my child.

^this.

Your colleagues are being both sexist and very rude and need to bore off. I wonder how much shock they'd be expressing at a father continuing to work FT? Oh, that's right, none.

I think you would benefit from connecting with some other FT or nearly FT working mums OP, just so you have some community and solidarity. There are lots on this site, or there might be some local groups in this area. Although I second those who suggest that you factor tax-free childcare and child benefit, if you receive it, into your budget and see if that changes things. Lots of women work full-time because financially they need to, or because they want to, or because it's what they need to do to keep going in their hard won careers. Be proud of what youve accomplished.

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