To feel ashamed at going back to work full time

[Gingerale12]

Hi all
I'm sure I ABU and please no one take this as a bashing against FT working/ PT working/SAHM because I honestly don't mean to start a debate! Anyway I am the only person I know IRL with this problem and it's really upsetting me. I am 6 m pregnant and will have to go back to work FT because I can't afford to go PT or otherwise. Say I earn 2000 pm after tax full time, I would lose 400 pm on a 4 day week. But childcare is 60 per day therefore 1200 pm for 5dpw or 960pm for 4dpw. So if I worked 5dpw after CC I would have 800 left over but on 4dpw I would only have 640 left over. With 3dpw I lose even more money.

DP earns roughly the same as me and all bills come from his wages (high rent where we are) so my wages are needed for food, petrol etc as well as CC. I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself, but everyone that I speak to always says along the lines off 'its not worth going back to work once you've paid for CC, it would take all my wages'. And I get that for lots of ppl this is true, I really do but for me it's not the case.i have to work to buy food! I told someone the other day that I have to go back FT because my wages are higher than CC and they didn't know what to say and were a bit

All my colleagues (who are lovely) are shocked that I am coming back FT and cannot comprehend it. It's so embarrassing and i feel like a freak! It feels like it's ok to moan about the cost of CC but no one I know truly has to work FT because of this problem. DP feels sad that he doesn't earn enough to keep us on one wage and I feel like shit that I have to go back FT with everyone questioning it and being shocked.

AIBU to feel like the only person I know in this position ?? Thanks for reading

I was like the personification of stressed. Up, shower, makeup, get dd dressed (didn't have to feed her, she got breakfast at childminders) and out the door. Then drive like a lunatic to work. And similar on the way back, collect dd, home, cook, bath, bedtime, wash dishes, drink a glass of wine and bed.

@soberfabulous Yes, yes, yes!

I am one of the only one of my friends to have gone back full time. Out of my NCT group of 6 couples, we have one self-employed who only took 3 months off but drastically reduced her workload and works a lot in the evenings. One SAHM. One who works two days a week. One who does 5 days compressed into 4. And two of us who work full time.

At work, none of the other mothers with young children work full time - most do a 4 day week.

However, like you I earn much more than the cost of a day’s childcare, and my job is full on. Compressed hours is not an option as I don’t have a 9-5 job, pretty much every day involves working longer than contractual hours. I could go down to 4 days but I’d work just as hard and work on my day off when urgent things crop up and take a 20% pay cut for the privilege.

So I work full time and enjoy the benefits of having plenty of disposable income to treat my DS at weekends and on holidays.

Sometimes I do feel guilty, but everyone feels guilty about something.

Ashamed? Please, don't.

It's your own circumstances and your choice.

Women take hits career wise by leaving work and by working PT. Then end up earning a lot less than their partners. Then their career becomes secondary, etc

If working FT is the best for you money wise, or if you just want to, it's entirely up to you and you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of.

I think it's really normal to return full time after 10 months of maternity leave. And, a PP is correct that no one will be asking your husband about why he's back at work full time!

I think it's sensible to avoid putting yourself in a financially vulnerable position by going to 4 days a week and just scraping by.

All my colleagues (who are lovely) are shocked that I am coming back FT and cannot comprehend it.

They might be a bit surprised now but no more. Explain the situation and move on. They won’t be ‘shocked’ and unable to comprehend this situation every time you see them-once you’re back after having the baby, that will be normal and it won’t be talked about. Who knows, you might pave the way for others to return full time!

I came back to work with DS when he was 17 weeks-I wanted to cry. It was fine. You will be fine.

i went back full time after both my children and don't regret it, i am a better mum by working and being me as well.
the girls love nursery and school, have friends and tell me they had "so much fun" the 3yo is learning spanish and drama and they just do loads at nursery

i changed my hours so start at 8 and end at 4h30 so i can collect sooner... daddy does drop off in the morning...

and i went back after 8 months first time, 10 months second time

I went back full time when both mine were only a few months old, and I had a 90min commute each way. Childminder dealt with a lot of physical needs, so my time with them was largely relaxing and stress free. Both have turned into nice people, with advantages I couldn't have given them like behaving nicely around younger children.

Goodness don’t feel ashamed. Nobody is expecting your partner to feel ashamed of working FT are they? Nobody is doing the head tilt and saying “aw it’s a shame you can’t go PT”, are they? It’s sexist bullshit so don’t fall for it.

*head tilt at your husband

These are all so helpful to hear, and some poster's circumstances really put things into perspective for me! It's just nice to hear it from people I guess. Felt like I was the only one in this situation.

Seriously, parents (mothers especially are damned if they do and damned if they don’t). I actually became a SAHM when DD was born and didn’t do any paid work for 15 years. It was what we wanted and fortunately could afford but I was told I was lazy, not teaching my children a good examples to. I was pitied for being “subservient” to DH (which I wasn’t!). When youngest was 11 and I went back to work (term time only) I was suddenly selfish!

Do not feel ashamed OP, you are putting your family first and that is what matters.

"Earning more than childcare costs is something I am proud of - shows that I made good career decisions"

Just watch you don't fall off that high horse.

Also have at least some respect for the people who earn less than you, your childminder, the cleaners, security staff etc, who make your work possible.

I bet your partner is working full time isn't he....

purplecatshopaholic yes!!!!

Well said soberfabulous. OP do your friends and colleagues live in the 1950s? Should you be staying at home because you have a vagina? Embrace the positives of the arrangement - the money, the career, the positive effect on sociability for your DC, etc. Having said that, could you work compressed hours e.g. 5 days in 4?

But please don’t feel guilty for doing what men have done for centuries!

It isn't always as straightforward as dropping a day, in any case.

In my work, dropping a day would mean I was demoting myself as people in my senior position can't do it part time.

So not only would I receive not-as-much money for not-as-many hours, I would receive less money as I would be in a less senior position.

I understand what you mean though, OP. All my friends apart from one went back part time.

You're doing the right thing for your family. And you never know what might come and hit you - I went back full time when my DDs were 6 months (this was before you got the really long mat leave you get now) and it was hard. But 18 years down the line I have made career progression and am now in a well paid job (though being made redundant, but it's easier to find work if you have a solid work history). My H died last year so I'm on my own - but I'm in a good position to cope. Working now is an investment in your future and in your family's future. Never be ashamed about it.

A mother's place is in the wrong. Go back/don't go back, full time/part time - there will be people judging.
Fuck them and just do what's best for your family.

I went back FT (albeit to an exceptionally flexible job) through choice. I know tons of women who have returned to work FT after having children. It's perfectly normal, especially for professional women who have worked hard to establish their careers. Less common, I suppose, amongst non-professional women on low wages.

I'm really surprised that your colleagues are so surprised. Men don't have to deal with this shit. You will be fine and your DC will be fine!

@birdsgottafly I am glad someone else said it.

Its no one else's business what hours you work or the reason you are working them. You do what you have to do for the sake of your family.

if it helps i went back to work FT after having my daughter - it was hard , i won't deny it and there were times when i just felt like packing it all in. My sister also went back to work FT after having her two children.

You are working and providing for your family, there is never ever any shame or anything wrong with that. If people act shocked or say anything about it, just tell them pay for my CC and my bills and i'll happily go PT, that'll soon shut them up x

Hopefully this comedy sketch will make you feel heaps better. I have worked PT after having Ds1 then became a SAHM. I was judged for both of those, my friends who went back FT were also judged.

You cannot win. If you are lucky enough to have SAHM friends or even PT maybe they can show how good a friend they can be and become your emergency childcare

You do what works for your family. You don't have to justify your position to anyone. Have a watch of this.

It's completely normal and you will reap the benefits as your child gets older.