To feel ashamed at going back to work full time

[Gingerale12]

Hi all
I'm sure I ABU and please no one take this as a bashing against FT working/ PT working/SAHM because I honestly don't mean to start a debate! Anyway I am the only person I know IRL with this problem and it's really upsetting me. I am 6 m pregnant and will have to go back to work FT because I can't afford to go PT or otherwise. Say I earn 2000 pm after tax full time, I would lose 400 pm on a 4 day week. But childcare is 60 per day therefore 1200 pm for 5dpw or 960pm for 4dpw. So if I worked 5dpw after CC I would have 800 left over but on 4dpw I would only have 640 left over. With 3dpw I lose even more money.

DP earns roughly the same as me and all bills come from his wages (high rent where we are) so my wages are needed for food, petrol etc as well as CC. I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself, but everyone that I speak to always says along the lines off 'its not worth going back to work once you've paid for CC, it would take all my wages'. And I get that for lots of ppl this is true, I really do but for me it's not the case.i have to work to buy food! I told someone the other day that I have to go back FT because my wages are higher than CC and they didn't know what to say and were a bit

All my colleagues (who are lovely) are shocked that I am coming back FT and cannot comprehend it. It's so embarrassing and i feel like a freak! It feels like it's ok to moan about the cost of CC but no one I know truly has to work FT because of this problem. DP feels sad that he doesn't earn enough to keep us on one wage and I feel like shit that I have to go back FT with everyone questioning it and being shocked.

AIBU to feel like the only person I know in this position ?? Thanks for reading

That’s just mythical shit that people spout when trying to justify there actual reason of not wanting to work full time. Of course they are worse off but either dont manage money well or put the onus on others to work or just don’t want to leave their child ( which I get) and dare not own up to that as the reason.

I also got a lot of faux horror/pity at baby groups about going back full-time (at six months - but DH took three months shared parental leave then, which people also seemed to find somewhere between shocking and amusing). It is however really normal at my work, so I found that I just didn't have to deal with any more once I went back - so I have a lot of sympathy for you that you're getting this nonsense off colleagues too.

I actually found that it was better if I described it as pure financial necessity - I still got the pity then, but not so much judgement. The worst was if I told the actual truth - yes, we'd really struggle without me working but also I really like my job, had a working mother and never had the slightest intention of giving up work after having children.

We're still on the shared parental leave bit - which by the way is BRILLIANT, working full-time with a SAHP at home is astonishingly easy and I have lost all sympathy for men who moan about it - so I'm expecting to get a lot harder once we're both back at work, but I'm confident it'll be right for us in long term.

Until things change so that either fathers get these judgemental comments too or, even better, no parents get them, we won't have equality.

Ignore them OP, what a load of sexist nonsense.

I actually found that it was better if I described it as pure financial necessity... The worst was if I told the actual truth - yes, we'd really struggle without me working but also I really like my job, had a working mother and never had the slightest intention of giving up work after having children.

It's really shit that you had to edit the way you talked about it like that. A friend of mine, when she got pregnant, was very clear from the start that she would at some point go back to work FT, and she was open about her reasons, which included liking her job, liking working per se, and feeling that working was an important part of her life and identity.
I find that stance very admirable, especially given the stupid attitudes that are clearly still in existence.

You shouldn't be ashamed at all OP. I've gone back to work full time as well. My little boy was 10 months when I came back. I got all the horrified gasps that I was coming back full time 5 days a week and leaving my boy in nursery for 4 days and with his nana for 1 day. Fact of the matter is we can't afford for me not to work. OH's salary would just about pay the mortgage and all bills inc food but there'd be not much left for anything else and that's no way to live. Also I just couldn't and wouldn't expect my OH to pay for things for me and I'd hate to have to ask him every time I wanted any money to buy things for myself. I don't have much left of my own after I've contributed to the joint account for household bills and the childcare but what I do have is mine and I earned it and can spend it how I see fit. Also nothing is permanent you may get the opportunity to go part time later on. Going part time seems ideal but you need to consider the effect the reduction in income would have on your life as a whole and also the implication for your pension contributions as well, especially if like me you have a final salary pension scheme.

Have you checked the actual tax for pro rata salary? The info in your OP looks incorrect.

Tax burden increases with wage. There is every chance you will be BETTER OFF with more money in your pocket working 3 days only.

Use a free online calculator. Search "pro rata salary calculator".

Please do this before making any decisions.

Tax burden increases with wage. There is every chance you will be BETTER OFF with more money in your pocket working 3 days only.

Eh? I would be £1000 better off a month working 5 days than working 3.

Thanks all. The tax calculator thing is a good idea, it didn't really occur to me that I might get taxed less for 4 dpw. Annual leave entitlement is another thing to consider I guess. Yes it's so shit that mothers get judged whatever they do. I can understand ppl being surprised at the comments I have had, I think tbh a lot of colleagues have DPs who earn a lot more than them, whereas mine earns the same as me (again this is probably geographical). I loved that mash report link further up in the comments it was hilarious !

I think this kind of thing really depends on the social circles you mix in tbh as to how people react to whatever decision you're making, but I agree that mums are Always Wrong not matter which decision they make! And also agree that it's really sexist, I would pull people up on that tbh if anyone makes any silly comments, ask them if they think that about your DP!! Ridiculous.

I'm on mat leave and due to go back soon, reducing to a 30hr week so 4 days instead of 5, partly because I want to spend some more time with DD and partly to reduce the cost of childcare as I'm not eligible for any kind of financial assistance with it, despite earning minimum wage, as DH is a student (but also not eligible for student finance, so no help there either). DD will be 8 and a half months old when she starts nursery and 9 months when I go back to work. I felt happy with my decision but now my mat leave is nearly over I am feeling sad that I will likely never spend this amount of time with her ever again in her whole life! But I know it's the best decision for us all though as I would really really struggle to pursue my career if I left the workforce for a few years. And we wouldn't be able to survive without tax credits atm so would need to work at least the min hours for them, and my workplace doesn't allow you work less than 4 days a week in my role, so don't really have a choice anyway, unless we were to go totally on benefits for around a year until DH gets a job which is obviously not an attractive prospect.

Mysterycat that's not how tax works. The first X amount is untaxed, then the next 15k or so is taxed at one level, then anything above that is taxed at another level. You will never be worse off by earning more if you're purely talking about tax (childcare etc is a different matter).
Anyone who says they rejected a pay rise because it would mean they'd get less a month "because of tax" is an idiot.

@Divgirl2 Not an idiot, ta.

On a salary of £25,000 let's work it out. I used www.thesalarycalculator.com/prorata.php

3 days per week. Pro rata salary is £15,000 pa. After tax = £87 per day
4 days per week. Pro rata salary is £20,000 pa. After tax = £81.50 per day
5 days per week. The full £25,000 salary. After tax = £78.20 per day

If you are paying a daily fee for childcare, this information can make or break your budget. HTH

OP glad it helped. PS. Don't forget to apply for child tax credit. Even if you think you are not eligible. It's a pain to do but you may be pleasantly surprised.

I went back to work FT. I’m the main bread winner.

The bills don’t pay themselves and it’s good to have some spare cash at the end of the month. I have no family and therefore if the boiler went/roof fell in we would be screwed if I was PT

• it looks liked at one point my marriage was going down the toilet. Going back to work FT meant I knew I could live and support DD if that happened and take on the mortgage.

• we want to move house to somewhere with a garden. Working FT will allow us to get a bigger mortgage to do this.

Where I work mat pay is a % if salary. If I have number 2 then my mat pay will be higher than it am part time

I think it’s totally fine. I’m really surprised they are shocked. Most people I know work fullltime

"3 days per week. Pro rata salary is £15,000 pa. After tax = £87 per day
4 days per week. Pro rata salary is £20,000 pa. After tax = £81.50 per day
5 days per week. The full £25,000 salary. After tax = £78.20 per day

If you are paying a daily fee for childcare, this information can make or break your budget. HTH"

But if the OP only pays £50 childcare per day, she ends up with 37x3 per week in salary.
Or 28x5.
So, 111 for 3 days or 140 for 5 days.
Which one do you think works best for the OP?

Also, she earns 2000 ^after tax", so much more than 25 k per year.

The point is that she earns more than she spends on child care. And the difference between working 3 or 5 days makes a difference at the end of the month. The daily rate is deceptive because the number of days with a salary per month is different.

I went back full time after my first and will be doing it again this time (I’m halfway through mat leave). I’d love to go back PT but there’s no way we can afford it so I just have to make the most of early mornings, evenings and weekends. Can you look into flexible working? I work an extra 30 mins a day Monday to Thursday (taken out of my lunch hour so it doesn’t impact on time at home) then I only work 8-1 on a Friday.

Meh / I work FT
Never heard anyone say anything
Onwards and upwards

I think it can be difficult when you are out of step with people around you. I work in a female dominated industry and of the 20 or so colleagues / friends with primary aged or younger children, none of them work more than a 3 day week. They talk about classes, trips out and meeting up for coffee whilst I feel like I'm continually dropping plates. I never feel ashamed though just tired! I know in reality I'm not cut out to stay at home with kids - I dream of a day off each week to spend by myself!

@Lweji

For high earners, yeah, it won't make a difference. For those of us closer to an average wage, say 20-30k, you can end up on the cusp of affordability at which point £10 a day is significant. Childcare, car parking, fuel, or train fare. It adds up.

Using the example you gave.. Personally, I would not be happy to go from 3 to 5 days, knowing those 2 days netted me only £29 weekly. That is a hard sell psychologically speaking!

Personally, I would not be happy to go from 3 to 5 days, knowing those 2 days netted me only £29 weekly.

Even if you needed those £29 to eat?

For those of us closer to an average wage, say 20-30k

It's not the OP's case.

And it still stands that people don't lose money due to taxes due to earning more.

I would be looking for an evening/ weekend job that paid £800 a month because I wouldn't want to do a demanding job (which I expect yours is if you earn 2k) for £800 a month.

But I'm not you - you may prefer to hang on to your job so you have it in the future (when free child care kicks in) or enjoy your work and not want to be at home too much. I do want to query the "I have no options" narrative though.

Many educated/capable parents choose to do care/hospitality/retail so they can tag team with their partner and not have to pay childcare.

I used to do fri/sat/sun evening in retail (to fit around my husband) and now I do three overnights in care work because we can fit my sleep around it with my partner's work. I wouldn't want to work my ass off and miss out on time with my children to give over half of my wages away.

You do have choices if you want them but you have to get creative and not feel a snobbery around the types of work that are more likely to fit in.

Does your partner like their work? Equally they could try something new.

Good luck with what is right for you.

I am the only one from my nct group to stay at home. I have sorted out bits of work, some from home, some odd days of consulting, but not much. We aren't getting any benefits at all though so I feel like I am entitled to make this choice.
I feel a bit judged for it, tbh. In fact some previous posters on this thread seem a bit judgy towards sahms.
Ultimately, you do what is best for your family.

I really feel bad for you OP, I had to go back to work full time when my son was only 6 weeks old because there was no year off for maternity leave in those days and I was on my own but AT LEAST in the 1980s we didn't have to fork out such a ridiculous sum on childcare that swallowed half our wages.
Seriously if I was young again now I don't think I'd even consider having kids - it's too hard.

If it makes sense financially then go ahead. There's a real mix where I work, plenty full time/part time. Most seem to go back full time eventually some even after just a few years.

All the ladies that were pregnant when I was all went back full time, I was the only one that went part time which surprised me as it's well paid professional work so part time is still more than some ppl earn full time. However I don't know if they have huge mortgage, debt etc and I wouldn't judge. Everyone has different situations. I did hear some ppl have some snide comments at work though behind some of their backs like oh they just pay someone else to bring up their child, which is just nasty.

Could you possibly compress hours or reduce a little then a bit and into 4 days. Would save on that extra day childcare but not effect ur pay or even it out if you reduce ur hours slightly.