To feel ashamed at going back to work full time

[Gingerale12]

Hi all
I'm sure I ABU and please no one take this as a bashing against FT working/ PT working/SAHM because I honestly don't mean to start a debate! Anyway I am the only person I know IRL with this problem and it's really upsetting me. I am 6 m pregnant and will have to go back to work FT because I can't afford to go PT or otherwise. Say I earn 2000 pm after tax full time, I would lose 400 pm on a 4 day week. But childcare is 60 per day therefore 1200 pm for 5dpw or 960pm for 4dpw. So if I worked 5dpw after CC I would have 800 left over but on 4dpw I would only have 640 left over. With 3dpw I lose even more money.

DP earns roughly the same as me and all bills come from his wages (high rent where we are) so my wages are needed for food, petrol etc as well as CC. I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself, but everyone that I speak to always says along the lines off 'its not worth going back to work once you've paid for CC, it would take all my wages'. And I get that for lots of ppl this is true, I really do but for me it's not the case.i have to work to buy food! I told someone the other day that I have to go back FT because my wages are higher than CC and they didn't know what to say and were a bit

All my colleagues (who are lovely) are shocked that I am coming back FT and cannot comprehend it. It's so embarrassing and i feel like a freak! It feels like it's ok to moan about the cost of CC but no one I know truly has to work FT because of this problem. DP feels sad that he doesn't earn enough to keep us on one wage and I feel like shit that I have to go back FT with everyone questioning it and being shocked.

AIBU to feel like the only person I know in this position ?? Thanks for reading

What shameful about working? If you live in a prosperous area then surely there are lots of career women living there. I’m sure there are billions of women the world over who think your comments are fairly childish. Ashamed of working, ffs

This happened to me 20+ years ago - many people were surprised and some were downright rude and unpleasant about it. I ignored it and it helped me to get tough. The really weird (cruel) ones are unhappy in their own lives (in my experience)... stay strong.

My kids are grown up and are great happy people. I also have a decent pension and my own money - which some on them gave up on. Its not all about the early days.

I always worked full time ( as did most of my female ancestors). Don'[t worry about it. Your children will be proud of you.

A mother's place is in the wrong. Go back/don't go back, full time/part time - there will be people judging.
Fuck them and just do what's best for your family

Spot on! People like to judge others to make the feel better about or justify their own choices. If it works for your family then it's right for you. I am a SAHM and have been met with judgement (although judgement appears to fade when emergency childcare is needed) but it doesn't bother me as I know I/we did the right thing for us.

Comments like but at least you will have a job in a few years and your family future (and your freedom) is on a far more upward trajectory for it. I’m sorry to say that out loud because it’s not something SAHP like to hear but it’s true just make me eyeroll. Absolutely not true for me, but there is often the assumption that all SAHP are in this position.

Don't feel guilty about your choices, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm back ft with odd compressed hours and it's hard but doable. I've forced dp into taking on some childcare responsibility to keep costs down. We couldn't afford to loose my full time wage.
Don't feel bad! My baby loves his childminder - makes me sad but he's really happy with her. He's a healthy, fed, warm clothed little boy and that is because we both work to provide for him . I'm proud to work and look after him

Up to you what you do but check your sums. Reducing to 4 days you should have more money take home than a simple 80% of what you take home now. This is due to the way NI and your tax free allowance is calculated and possibly your tax free childcare. There could be other savings too, commuting costs/petrol etc? I also find I save money working part time, don't have to pay for cleaners, ironing, shopping deliveries, gardeners etc that some of my friends do. Of course it's a perfectly valid choice if that's what you choose.

Just watch you don't fall off that high horse.

Being proud of what you have achieved is not the same thing as saying that someone who hasn't achieved it has made bad decisions. If OP earns well she no doubt has worked hard and made certain choices. Why should she be ashamed to acknowledge her achievement? And how often are men criticised for being proud of themselves and making choices that enable them to earn well?

Nobody is expecting your partner to feel ashamed of working FT are they? Nobody is doing the head tilt and saying “aw it’s a shame you can’t go PT”, are they? It’s sexist bullshit so don’t fall for it

This times a million. Those who are 'shocked' can take a running jump –or pay your rent for you if they're that concerned.

I am a SAHM (worked best for us when first child was born) and I dread people asking me what I do. I really feel people think less of me for not working so I guess we can't win! (For the record, I do want to go back to work now, and I do volunteer.)

You deserve respect, not judgement. I know mums who work full time, part time, not at all, and we're all just trying to do our best. Your colleagues should button it!

I went back full time 24 years ago after first born.

I was financially better off doing that and paying for full time nursery than going part time and paying part time nursery. I also liked my job, had a very hard first baby that had an impact on my MH and didn't want to lose the benefits that came with my job such as a very good pension.

Be kind to yourself, lots of people work full time for many reasons.

My two DC are happy, healthy, fun loving and affectionate adults now with good degrees and jobs and making their own way in life.

It did not affect them negatively, nor me.

Get used to being judged, but no there's plenty of others like you. Working full time can work well if you can take full advantage of any flexible working benefits your employer offers (esp. Compressed hours). Crucially, your DH also needs to be looking at these things - you're both being financially responsible for your child so you both need to be involved in the day to day care too. You don't want to be lumbered with all of the nursery runs, sick days, etc.

Seeing as your earnings are similar, would you consider shared parental leave? It can really help to set up the balance in the early days, and can be a lovely experience for everyone.

Pretty normal to go back full time. Or 4 days a week anyway.

Oh, you'll find everyone has an opinion on this OP and feels a responsibility to tell you all about it. Welcome to the world of motherhood!

FWIW, 18 yrs ago, I went back full time when my DD was 6 months old. She went to nursery full time. The amount of men and women who felt duty bound to tell me I pretty much should not have got pregnant if I was just going to hand over her care to a stranger was horrendous and it seems, by your experience, has not changed.

She's currently doing her A Levels (despite this and also being bottle fed, she has managed to do pretty well)

All I can say is ignore ignore ignore.and all the best x

I went back full time when DS was 6 months old. Never occurred to me not to really.

I took him into the office when he was 2 weeks and handed him to my boss while I wrote a technical briefing note on my area of our Bill. Feel pretty sure others judged me for that but I was desperate to talk about stuff other than the baby!

Why does society judge mothers and rarely the fathers? Every day misogyny and sexism.

I totally understand your situation OP. I'm currently 7 months pregnant and plan on going back to work when baby is around 8 months old (7 months paid, 1 month unpaid because I don't want to go back before Christmas).

So many women I work with have told me I'm going to miss everything by not taking more time off for maternity leave. Some have even told me that the baby will need me too much and I need to stay at home for at least a year!!

I will be going back at 4 days a week using parental leave so I'll be down 1 day a week pay wise and I'll only be able to save half of what I usually do (saving for house deposit). But I'll only be doing this for a year and then I'll be back to 5 days.

I wouldn't want to have to scrimp to get by and I want my child to have better so ignore people who are judging you, it's very unfair.

I remember feeling like this when I went back to work fulltime after my dc. I was the only one of the mums I knew, most became sahm and a few working part time (a couple of days a week).

My dc are now 6 and 7 and I am glad I went back. I am grateful for the financial stability and the chance to maintain my skills and career. I don't think I would have been happy as a sahm. My dc did very well with our lovely childminder.

Yup I agree with all the PPs who say you no matter what you do you'll be criticised. Whether you're a SAHM or work part or full time you'll hear snide comments and be made to feel guilty. Do what works for your family, you can always change things further down the line if it's not right for you. I've done all 3 at various points in my life and had doubts with all decisions. You do what you think is best at the time.

You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about! I’ve been a full time working Mum, a SAHM and now work part time. I’ve had many family members and peers (mainly DH’s idiot friends) judge me each time I’ve made a change in work. Do you know what though, each time I have not given a flying f*ck. Having a young family is hard. What I do employment wise is my immediate family’s business and no one else’s! Everyone, apart from those on the highest salaries, find that having young children has a huge affect on finances. You do what is best for you and your family and ignore what everyone else says. (I know it’s hard, but you do have to start developing a thicker skin when you have childrenas people think they suddenly have a right to question every decision you make).
If you feel a bit bummed out that you can’t make PT work or being a SAHM financially work for you try looking at it that once the most financial intensive part of rearing children is over you will still have a career that’s in tact (and that they you might have even progressed in), whereas a lot of people find they have to start trying to rebuild their career after their children’s primary school years XXX

I work 4 days a week (for a charity so I am not a high earner but it does cover childcare plus a bit extra) and everyone thinks I'm stupid for doing so as DH's income brings in 4.5k a month on its own.

I want to - for my own sanity and for some financial independence.

You do you OP.

It really doesn’t matter what you do OP, there will be some fucker out there trying to make you feel bad about it.

I presume these people are not offering to pay your rent, cover your expenses, keep your job open for you, so they can take a running jump with their opinions.

You are doing what’s best for your family and you should never, ever feel ashamed of that.

I was the same - I went back FT and was the only one of my friends I knew that did. You need a point of reference of working women for whom this is normal - I'm a member of a Facebook group called WomenAtWorkUK - it's excellent for normalising everything working woman guilt-related.

most people I know go back FT after mat leave. Totally normal. Ignore the nay sayers. I went back part time as this didn't make a difference financially due to llmy low wage (working full time just meant more childcare fees but not more money at the months).

but if that is not an option, seriously, don't worry. the baby will be fine and you will be having the past laugh in a few years time when all these cleaver friends trying to get they career back on track or re-enter the job market at low level roles.

This is quite unusual, considering eighty percent of mother's work. I went back after four months, not because I had to, but because I wished to, it never occurred to me not to, and no one batted an eye lid.

I can only imagine your social circle is very limited, with very limited social circles themselves if they are shocked at a woman going back to work after having a baby, the overwhelming majority of women do.

Go into it thinking of the positives. You keep a good job, baby will enjoy nursery. Nothing is permanent. In a few years you may be in a position to go part time if you wish eg when free childcare hours kick in.