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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a picture of my bio children

457 replies

Fairydustsprinkled · 20/02/2019 00:03

Had a photoshoot of my bio children 3 months ago and I really want a canvas printing for my back wall, AIBU that my stepchild is not on this?

OP posts:
ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/02/2019 07:27

If I was the step child I'd definitely notice (obviously we don't know your particular step child so can't say specifically). It would be hurtful that it wasn't worth having them at the photo shoot - presumably if one of your bio children hadn't been available on the day of the photo shoot you would have chosen a different day.

Dohee · 20/02/2019 07:30

The dc is your husband's blood child too. I can imagine it's difficult for you, but you need to think beyond yourself for a minute or ten!

BlackeyedGruesome · 20/02/2019 07:30

I would put it up on the wall, but upstairs in the bedroom.

there are other photos of the step child about.

Is step child related to baby? If so get a photo done of just the two of them as well when you can and put that downstairs.

why100000 · 20/02/2019 07:32

I think if the Dad is not in the picture it’s okay (but maybe not canvas style as that will make it look “different”) - after all the stepchild has their “main” home where presumably there are photos of just them?

If Dad is in the photo however, it is hurtful.

The SC has her own Mum who presumably loves her a lot, so does not need to compete with her siblings for her stepmum’s love?

So they share their father but have different sources of “mother love” and that’s okay?

Very important to also get on with stepparents, but it sounds like she does?

IMO.

user789653241 · 20/02/2019 07:32

If you make the canvas print, make one with photo you want, and also make the one with your dsc is in it as well, and hang it up together?
10 years old is still a small child. I wouldn't risk hurting her.

Walkaround · 20/02/2019 07:33

Definitely no to a whopping great big canvas on the back wall - everyone will notice that, and saying your stepdaughter isn't in it because you couldn't afford to wait for her sounds like an utterly pathetic excuse. Pictures on a mantelpiece amongst other pictures are not the same thing as a wall canvas, so a copy of the picture amongst those others would be OK - provided you do also have a picture of the whole family together (ie including your stepdaughter) on the mantelpiece. Otherwise it is very "us" and "the other child."

Dippypippy1980 · 20/02/2019 07:37

I was on your side until the comment about your father in law.

Of course he doesn’t have pictures of your children round his house - they aren’t his grandchildren.

But your step daughters father lives with you - while of course you will have various combinations of th children in photos around the house - this child will see that at her dads house there is a huge picture on the wall of his baby, his step child but not her.

Could you also do one for your husband with just his two children? It could be cute that the baby is the common factor. Then maybe somewhere one of your combined family?

This little girls isn’t your child - but one of her parents lives in your house.

SomethingWithLemons · 20/02/2019 07:38

Not sure OP has a lot going on between the ears. It's a cruel thing to do.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 20/02/2019 07:39

I think you should have a nice copy of the one you have next to your bed and then as pp have suggested, get one of everyone for the wall. I suspect that having just had a baby, you're feeling the hormonal tug towards your biological kids even more than usual but I also think that as you've asked the question of whether it would be ok, that you know it might upset your step daughter. In which case, it's best not to do it.

EverybodysTalkingAtMe · 20/02/2019 07:41

I normally always put my feelings to one side and this is another of those instances where I should have

Well there you have it. Your feeling a towards your DSD aren't what they should be and you know it.

Don't put a picture up that excludes this little girl, she is powerless in this situation and it will speak volumes to her.
It would be massively hurtful.

bethy15 · 20/02/2019 07:44

You say your SC is never left out, but you booked the photographer to do a family shoot on a day she wasn't available, so..........

swingofthings · 20/02/2019 07:44

Keep this picture, which I assume is you, your oh and your two kids on a smaller scale, somewhere you don't expect your sd to see it, or take it down when she comes.

Get a nice, not too big canvas of you ONLY with your two kids, then get one of your OH ONLY with all his kids and one with all of you in it. Sorted!

pictish · 20/02/2019 07:46

Oh OP I feel for you. I totally understand your perspective and why you want to have this canvas done and mounted in your home.

The thing is, this prominent picture that you have gone to the trouble of having blown up onto canvas will send out a message to sd that says she’s not as important as your kids. That she’s the third wheel.
It’s one of those minefield things that comes with bringing kids from separate marriages together. Perhaps one of the things you sacrifice is the freedom to decorate your home with canvases of your bio kids in which your stepchild does not feature. She is 10 and not mature. I think there’s only one way in which she’ll regard such a feature and that is blatant favouritism.
As she matures she will understand and accept your preference for your own children. It is perfectly fine to love them more, they’re yours.
It is tricky. I probably wouldn’t put up the canvas.

Drogosnextwife · 20/02/2019 07:46

OP, sounds like you are nailing this step parenting business!

You will probably put that canvas us anyway, no matter what anyone says. Wonder how your dp feels about the family photo with one of his children missing.

ICantThinkOfANameSorry · 20/02/2019 07:47

Of course he doesn’t have pictures of your children round his house - they aren’t his grandchildren

I think OP was talking about her husband's father? Who would of course be her children's grandfather just as much as OPs SC.

HotpotLawyer · 20/02/2019 07:50

Hopefully your DP will obscure / upstage it with a picture of all HIS biological children.

pictish · 20/02/2019 07:50

“Your feeling a towards your DSD aren't what they should be and you know it.”

I don’t agree at all. I think the OP’s feelings towards her sd are perfectly normal and pertaining to the circumstances in which she sees her. You can’t force a depth of feeling that isn’t there. She likes and accepts her sd just fine. She doesn’t love her like she does her own. Normal!

Dippypippy1980 · 20/02/2019 07:51

Ok - I thought she meant her husband’s father doesn’t have photos of her older children - who aren’t her husband’s.

Misunderstood!

Loopytiles · 20/02/2019 07:54

This would be very likely to be noticed by and hurtful to DH’s eldest DC.

Large canvas prints are naff anyway.

AuntieCJ · 20/02/2019 07:55

Naughty op. Forgot the mumsnet rules.

Step children are far more important than your own children.

HalfBloodPrincess · 20/02/2019 07:59

I really don’t see the harm. All the children are equal but they’re also individuals. So long as you also have pictures of your stepdaughter displayed it’s hardly akin to excluding her purposely. My dps ex has a picture on her wall of one of her dd holding my toddler when he was a newborn! It’s a lovely picture and we have the same one displayed. (I’m a step child, a step mother and my bio dc have a step mother)

Greyhound22 · 20/02/2019 08:04

Sorry I think she is a 'poor kid' in this situation so I'll stand by my statement thanks.

She's a child that has had her family split up and her Daddy has moved out of the family home and started a new family. By default that makes that family more important to him than she is. Grow the fuck up and stop talking about your 'bio' kids, babies and bubbas and put yourself in her shoes for a minute.

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2019 08:05

This is page 3, so over 200 posts. OP had agreed by Post 100 that she was unreasonable and wouldnt have a canvas of just her two children on the wall.

Just sayin...

Ithinkmycatisevil · 20/02/2019 08:07

I think some people are reading too much into this. It's just a photo. There's are lots of photos of OPs step daughter around the house already and I'm sure if she did a special picture for the this would be displayed in the same way the OPs own children's would be. OPs step dd isn't going to feel pushed out and excluded from the family because of one photo shoot.

As long as she feels loved and included at her dads house that's all that matters, and one picture of her half sibling without her isn going to change that.

Janecon · 20/02/2019 08:08

I can understand why you would like to do it but it would be an unkind thing to do.

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