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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a picture of my bio children

457 replies

Fairydustsprinkled · 20/02/2019 00:03

Had a photoshoot of my bio children 3 months ago and I really want a canvas printing for my back wall, AIBU that my stepchild is not on this?

OP posts:
ItsBloodyFreezingg · 20/02/2019 10:49

My sympathies to everyone out there trying to navigate it and sometimes inadvertently screwing up

I definitely agree with this though. It's very very hard being a step parent and lines and boundaries are often unclear.

You're not unreasonable to want the canvas OP.

But you need to be able to look outside of your own feelings as a step parent and think 'could this affect my DHs other child' if the answer is yes then you should be rethinking.

VampirinaHauntley · 20/02/2019 10:50

I feel like this thread assumes all step children are insecure in their stepfamilies and this really isn’t the case.
I have three bio children and recently had a canvas done of the two younger ones at nursery. Should I have taken the eldest one out of school as she wasn’t around? Should I have not had the photos done at all?
Does the eldest feel less loved or excluded?

No.
And no.

And they are also step children at their dads!
Believe it or not they are well adjusted, no matter how many pictures they are included in at their dads. They have two families and they know this.

Original poster
Fairydustsprinkled · 20/02/2019 10:51

@ItsBloodyFreezingg I agree which is why I have taken on board the comments.. thank you

OP posts:
dragonsfire · 20/02/2019 10:55

Tbh at the SC house is probably only photos of her and none of your kids who are technically her half siblings (no one would expect SC mum to have photos up) so as long as your honest and have photos of your step child up I don’t see the issue. Maybe not a huge Canvas but you can have a main photo with your newborn which is understandable why you would have as couldn’t wait for SC to be free then photos of all the kids around it.

We actually have more photos up of our god kids than our nephews or niece as we see them more.

None of the kids are offended 🤷‍♀️

BettyDuMonde · 20/02/2019 10:57

I’m a step mum and a bio mum and I totally see why you took two of three to the photo shoot - we don’t have my stepdaughter nearly as often as we would all like due to logistics, sadly, life goes on when she isn’t here.

However, that said, I wouldn’t put a fancy picture up in the living room that didn’t have her in it - she already feels insecure about being part time in the household, so a picture like that would reinforce her insecurities. It’s the kind of story adults tell years later, when drunkenly trading bad childhood stories, eg: ‘Oh, you think that’s bad? Well MY stepmother took my half siblings for a fancy photo shoot WITHOUT me, and the GIANT picture of JUST the two of them hung on the living room for the next TEN YEARS - she didn’t even understand WHY I might find that upsetting!’

Us stepmothers are already swimming against the tide, thanks to fairy tales and Disney - it’s important that that negative stereotype is dismantled by treating all the children in an equitable way.

Get a nice frame for a smaller version of the picture you like, and plan a shoot with all three for the future.

Fairydustsprinkled · 20/02/2019 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fairydustsprinkled · 20/02/2019 11:05

@BettyDuMonde good post, thank you

OP posts:
snowball28 · 20/02/2019 11:06

I’m a SM and I’d put the picture up, I have pictures of just my own children up in the house, why wouldn’t I they are my children.

Doesn’t mean I hate SD or wish the ‘before’ child begone! 🤣 just means I’m a BM before I was a SM and whilst I care for my SD and have pictures up of her also I love my BS and BD and don’t see why I shouldn’t have a photo of just them . .

People often think SC get the rough end of the stick or have seen awful things and we must treat them 100% better than our own children ‘as we knew what we were getting in to’ when in reality a lot of SC parents split up before they could even remember and they aren’t insecure or unloved in the slightest.

I’d put it up, you have pictures of her up too and dad doesn’t mind so why not? I bet SD won’t even notice.

dragonsfire · 20/02/2019 11:09

I genuinely think adults get much more offended and upset by this stuff than kids!

You have a photo shoot with your new born baby your allowed to put the photos up- don’t stress it. If SC is upset I am sure they will say and you can explain that You had to do when baby at certain age and point to all the other photos you have.

I don’t think SC will even notice apart from a nice photo of their baby sister/brother

lazyarse123 · 20/02/2019 11:09

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stressedbeyond123 · 20/02/2019 11:10

Put the picture up...its not hurting anyone.

I have a bio child with OH and two step-daughters.....we have a right mixture of pictures up, me and DD, me and DSD's, DSD's and their dad, me, DD and Dad.

No one gives a flying fluff who's picture is on the wall or more so how the pictures are set out. we are all up there in some way shape or form, we are all loved the same and we know this.

a lot more thought and opinions are being put into this than necessary.

SarahH12 · 20/02/2019 11:10

OP that's sad you don't have any up of your youngest. You should definitely get this one printed. Sadly for the DSC, life does go on when they're not around and there will be things they miss out on.

Keep this picture, which I assume is you, your oh and your two kids on a smaller scale, somewhere you don't expect your sd to see it, or take it down when she comes.

The last bit is one of the most ridiculous things I've seen said on MN. You don't need to take a picture down, that's absurd. What's that telling your actual DC, you matter less when your Dad's first child is here?!

Can't remember who said it but somebody said about dad moving on and replacing mum. How exactly is getting married to someone other than the DC's Mum replacing their Mum? It's a totally different relationship.

SarahH12 · 20/02/2019 11:11

when in reality a lot of SC parents split up before they could even remember and they aren’t insecure or unloved in the slightest.

Exactly! DP split up with his Ex when DSD was 18 months. She can't even remember them living together.

Blackbear10 · 20/02/2019 11:14

you have pictures of her up too and dad doesn’t mind so why not? I bet SD won’t even notice.

I bet she does.

I don’t think you can really have an idea of how the SC feels until it’s been your children in the position of the SC.
How would you feel if you spilt with your partner and he had a child with another woman. Your DC go round to their house see that they have had a ‘new family’ photo shoot without them there and displayed the photos. Your child is hurt and upset but doesn’t say anything to her DD or DSM but comes home crying to you that they feel replaced and like daddy doesn’t love them as much as he used to because he has a new ‘proper’ family now.
How would that make you feel?

Can you now have some empathy for the SC?

Original poster
Fairydustsprinkled · 20/02/2019 11:17

@Blackbear10 I do understand what you are saying and have taken on board negative and positive comments, I just had an urge to protect myself because of the way people feel they can speak to me because it's over the internet and anonymous

OP posts:
ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/02/2019 11:17

I don't think its necessarily the parents split that is upsetting to step children but the fact that they don't have a full time home. They're second class citizens in two homes. Or at least in their dad's home. They're not there full time so have the smallest bedroom, less photos, miss out on important family events and can generally feel like they're less important to their dad than the kids who live there full time. I do think this means that their dad (and sometimes by extension their step mum) should make an extra effort to compensate for this a bit.

Original poster
Fairydustsprinkled · 20/02/2019 11:19

@lazyarse123 thank you for your observation of my husband but he is far from a twat (very unnecessary)

OP posts:
Thefrenchconnection1 · 20/02/2019 11:22

My dsd (who I have full time) counts the number of pics with each child in. If she is in the least she takes offence. She's 17 now so not as precious but was through her childhood. Dsd is my child. I just don't want photos altogether all the time

Oceanbliss · 20/02/2019 11:22

Fairydustsprinkled it's been a pretty tough thread. Some really good ideas sprinkled throughout and you've taken them on board which is nice to see. I liked the suggestions of a photo of dsc holding the baby, that would be sweet. I think there has been some misunderstandings some genuine some deliberate by pp. Sorry to read from your pp that the paternal grandparents play favorites with their grandchildren that would be hard to deal with.

snowball28 · 20/02/2019 11:24

I bet she does

I bet she doesn’t.

Mine certainly doesn’t give a monkeys what we have on the walls, OP has what sounds like a lovely mix of photos of all children up on the walls.

Life doesn’t stop whilst SC aren’t in the house that week, you had a nice picture done of your kids, just the same way you had a nice picture done of your eldest and SD have them both up together will look lovely.

pictish · 20/02/2019 11:24

‘You're dh sounds a twat toon’

Ah...nothing like a misspelled, grammar flouting, insulting proclamation based on fuck all.
All of the internet illustrated in six poorly executed words.

GirlOnIt · 20/02/2019 11:26

I'm not a fan of big pictures of anyone even my own Ds. That's my personal thing and probably a bit weird but I'd never have a big wall photo of anyone. Dp was desperate to have one of Ds's baby photos on canvas but I just can't.
So I don't personally get the need for a big photo, but I can sympathise that it's something important to you Op. And if people must display photos on walls I think more than one together looks better, so could you have your canvas but maybe one of dsd next to it? Wouldn't need to be as big as just her and you don't need a photo shoot just pick a nice photo and have it printed on a canvas.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2019 11:28

Feel sorry for the child OP. I know you don’t want to hear it but her feelings trump you wanting a photo of your “babies”.

dragonsfire · 20/02/2019 11:29

I would also say my friend had massive issues as she was never allowed photos of just her and her brother not that she had anything against her half and step siblings but it frustrated her that she wasn’t allowed photos up of just her full brother and her now and then.

Even when she has grown up and got her own house her step mum was annoyed their weren’t as many photos of her kids as of my friend and her brother.

So it is important for your bio kids to know they can have separate photos to.

Blackbear10 · 20/02/2019 11:34

It’s a near impossible situation to make everyone happy in step children situations.

It means unfortunately having to enter into the relationship knowing you won’t have the same kind of life as people without SC.

It’s like you are constantly swimming against the tide and trying to keep everyone feeling equal and happy when by the nature of having a part time blended family the situation for the children isn't equal to begin with.

It does mean the unfortunately you can’t have just special things for your DC without including the SC. It means you have to behave all the time as if you love the SC just as much as your own DC when truthfully that’s not the case. If anything it means your DC sometimes having to come second which is really shit for them but what happens when you enter into a blended family as you have to make that extra effort for the SC to feel included and loved due to the fact they already feel less important in the step family.

This will be a really controversial thing to say but I do sometimes wonder if entering into a SC situation should mean you don’t have any of your own children, or not getting into a full time living together relationship with their parent until the children are grown/left home.