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AIBU?

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Original poster

Thoughts in boys weekends

98 replies

Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:03

Hi - just wanting some thoughts. My husband goes on regular weekends away (he's been away for around 7 weekends away with his friends in the past year). It's starting to get to me as we have a 14 month old who I end up looking after on my own each time after a hard week. When I've questioned him about how often he goes away in the past, he's just said that it's important to have your own thing and that I should book weekends with my girlfriends. This would be great, except all my friends seem to spend their weekends with their own partners and children and don't want to go away for weekends more than perhaps once a year. Is he being unreasonable going away this often when he has a young family or do I need to just accept that he is lucky to have friends and hobbies (he plays golf) that mean he has the opportunity to go away regularly?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 19/02/2019 23:12

There's no right and wrong really, it is down to each couple to work out.
I don't think 'because your friends don't want to' is a great reason for then saying he can't see his friends.

Is there a different way for you to get 'me time' ? A weekly hobby or something ? Or are you the kind of person who would be happy to go and do something on your own ? Your 'me time' doesn't necessarily have to be the same as his.

OwlinaTree · 19/02/2019 23:15

What's he like when he is around? My DH goes away/out with the lads a bit, but doesn't have any other hobbies that take up weekend time, so whenever he's here it's fair time. I'd not be happy with 7 weekends away if he also spends every Saturday watching/playing a sport for eg.

Leeds2 · 19/02/2019 23:16

Go away for the weekend by yourself. Plan carefully, and you will have a great time.

If you did, would DH look after DD by himself, or would MIL be called into action?

Original poster
Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:19

Hi - thank you for your reply :-). I don't think it's his 'me time' that bothers me. I'm happy for him to have time to himself and he often goes to watch the football or has drinks with his buddies, or even a game of golf, which doesn't bother me at all. And I do go out with my friends for evenings out. It's more with the weekends it's a WHOLE weekend where I'm left with the LO all on my own which gets me down.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 19/02/2019 23:20

Seven a year does seem a lot with a toddler at home. Doesn't he miss her? And if you went too it would be 14; more than once a month.

Does he step up and give you time when he's there? Are the 'boys' he goes with single and childless?

honeylane · 19/02/2019 23:23

7 times a year is excessive and would piss me off

I love my friends but would much rather spend a weekend with my DH

Do his friends have partners/children?

Original poster
Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:25

Mainly childless, although one of his best friend's has children, but his partner lives close to her parents. If my mum lived nearby I probably wouldn't mind so much as I'd spend the weekend with her. It's being in my own for the weekend that I find really hard. The one weekend I was away, he went straight to his parents for the weekend, so I don't think he really understands.

OP posts:
Lichtie · 19/02/2019 23:27

It really depends. My DH has always went away a lot for his hobby. We discussed it before having children, and it was something that was important to him and that he wanted to be able to continue to do. Doesn't mean me or the DC are not important to him.
Equally he encourages me to go away on trips and to have time to myself. I go away a lot less than him, but that's my choice. Sounds like you have the choice too.

Original poster
Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:27

Do other people's partners go away this often? How often is acceptable?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 19/02/2019 23:29

he went straight to his parents for the weekend

Interesting that he chose not to do what you have to do 7 times a year. If he thought it was easy and fun, he'd have stayed home alone with DD...

DrPimplePopper · 19/02/2019 23:29

That's a lot to me. But I do go on my own weekends away maybe 4-5 times a year, just to stay overnight with friends. DH doesn't ever stay over places, but does go to watch sports maybe every other Saturday. He doesn't mind, but our kids are a bit older, and as it's just what suits us. If you spend time doing something for you each weekend too maybe you wouldn't feel frustrated/annoyed about his time away?

araiwa · 19/02/2019 23:29

1 weekend every 2 months doesnt seem excessive

Hes not stopping you doing similar but youre choosing not to do anything

LuckyAmy1986 · 19/02/2019 23:32

That must cost a lot of money? Do you have family breaks too?

Original poster
Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:36

Sometimes he's just at a friend's house, so doesn't end up being too much money.

OP posts:
Lichtie · 19/02/2019 23:37

Can't you invite your mum to come see you for a weekend a couple of times a year, or you go see her?

ChipsAreLife · 19/02/2019 23:37

7 is quite a bit I think for a whole weekend. We probably do 2/3 each whole weekends but then have lots of Saturdays or Sundays out with mates. Can he not just go for half? I find it really tough on my own all weekend personally

Userplusnumbers · 19/02/2019 23:38

If he was stopping you doing stuff then YWNBU but it sound like he's quite happy to do his shareand let you have your me time? You're choosing not to make use of that

AnyFucker · 19/02/2019 23:40

He doesn't seem very invested in family life

When our kids were small my H looked forward to spending time with his kids at the weekend

Yours seems champing at the bit to get away. He just goes and stays at friends houses ? Why ? What are they doing ?

7 weekends is far too many in my book. He might as well be single....he certainly seems to think you and the dc are a fall back rather than the main act.

Original poster
Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:41

Yes, I'd be much more accepting if it was just the Saturday or the Sunday. I can manage one day in my own quite happily. My mum lives 4- 5 hours away and she works weekends so it's not that easy for her to pop down for just the weekend (and I work in the week so difficult for me to get to her.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/02/2019 23:48

It isn’t his fault that your friends are less available than his. He’s not suggesting it’s one rule for you and another for him. Maybe you need to be a bit more realistic. What if you split up? You’ll have to cope for more than ‘a WHOLE weekend’.

Notso · 19/02/2019 23:51

DH used to go away a lot with his mates. He was one of the first to have DC of his group, and the others who had kids the same time quickly split from their partners.
The only times I really minded were when I'd had to miss something or not had time to myself for a while.

He goes away for pleasure much less now as he is away with work 3/4 nights a week, occasionally 6/7 nights.
I've never really minded being on my own with the kids. Although I found it a bit more draining when they were little I liked the evenings to myself or would invite a friend round for a film and take away.

I do get annoyed that when I'm on my own with the kids nobody bats an eyelid, when DH is on his own he can't move for offers of dinners and help. It annoys him just as much though, he enjoys having time with the kids on his own and finds it patronising people think he can't look after his own children.

StoppinBy · 19/02/2019 23:53

I think it's a lot to be away overnight too, it increases the work load on you and it also runs one week in to the next where you actually end up with two weeks with no break. If I were you I would book several nights away if you were comfortable leaving your baby and let him see how it feels to miss out on any time to yourself for two weeks on a regular basis. Sometimes it is hard to understand things until you have to do it yourself and this may be where he is at.

In the long run you need to decide together what a fair split of free time is.

Original poster
Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:55

My friends are less available because their partners are spending time with them, which I seems be the case for the majority of married couples. I also prefer to spend my weekends with DH and DD. If I spent as many weekends away I would feel like our family time would be seriously reduced. And not sure why splitting up came into the discussion?!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/02/2019 23:59

And not sure why splitting up came into the discussion?!

Some women will put up with any shit to stay in a relationship and try and make others as fearful of being alone as they are

StoppinBy · 20/02/2019 00:03

@wondering, I used to feel the same way you did, that if I took the time away that my DH wanted to take (before we had kids he spent most weekends at his parents farm as I worked most weekends anyway and wanted to continue to do so) that we would have no family time.

It took us a lot of negotiation and to be fair quite a few arguments to come to an agreement that suited us both and even now years later we still argue over it so it's certainly not an easy fix. As the children get older it does get easier though IMO to find that balance and also to get away as a family to do things which makes family life more relaxed and fun for everyone.