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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thoughts in boys weekends

98 replies

Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:03

Hi - just wanting some thoughts. My husband goes on regular weekends away (he's been away for around 7 weekends away with his friends in the past year). It's starting to get to me as we have a 14 month old who I end up looking after on my own each time after a hard week. When I've questioned him about how often he goes away in the past, he's just said that it's important to have your own thing and that I should book weekends with my girlfriends. This would be great, except all my friends seem to spend their weekends with their own partners and children and don't want to go away for weekends more than perhaps once a year. Is he being unreasonable going away this often when he has a young family or do I need to just accept that he is lucky to have friends and hobbies (he plays golf) that mean he has the opportunity to go away regularly?

OP posts:

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 18:42

Seven is excessive.
I would compromise at the most to half that.
For record my dh has zero weekends away. His choice.

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 18:47

I would consider going away together just to the two of you. You would feel less resentful if you were enjoying plenty of downtime too.

Revise the number of boys weekends down, and book more for you both.

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 20:28

Plus why does he even WANT to? Yes it's very nice to get away a couple times a year with the girls (if that!!!!) but 7 times?

God yeah, which parents would ever want to have an oaccsional child free weekend. Or a weekend with their mates.

They clearly didn't get the memo that when you have kids, you stop wanting to be with anyone but your partner a child.

Wallywobbles · 20/02/2019 20:36

My DH has never once wanted to do this. It's weird. He wouldn't be my DH id he did.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/02/2019 20:45

It’s not weird at all.

missyB1 · 20/02/2019 20:52

It wouldn’t work for our marriage. Luckily dh and I both value family time a lot. He does have a couple of weekends a year with his mates but it’s literally two.
OP no matter how many people in here say it’s fine, if it doesn’t work for you then it’s an issue. Your partner needs to compromise, that’s what relationships are about.

EmmaJR1 · 20/02/2019 21:02

My DH has been away twice in 8 years without me and and only once since we had children and that was for a conference. He just wouldn't expect me to shoulder all child responsibilities 24/7 whilst he pisses if playing silly buggers hanging out with mates... his priorities need to change to show a bit more balance.
I would definitely make it a mission to go away alone!

HugoBearsMummy · 20/02/2019 21:05

@Tennesseewhiskey good job my DH and I are on the same page then isn't it.
And when did I say NEVER? I stated a few weekends away is nice - but 7 IMO (which is shared with the majority of posters) is excessive for a man with a wife and young DC at home.

Rspu3 · 20/02/2019 21:09

I see both sides really, my dad and mom go on holidays without each other my dad goes away twice a year with his friends and plays golf. Some people find it weird but there reason is our kids are all grown up and you only live once how can we tell each other what we can/can’t do, which I think is fair fucking play. That being said us “kids” are all grown up and have our lives so I think it is a bit different when you have young ones and having children is about time spent with them and making memories. My in laws are the opposite spend every second with each other day in day out, ignore each other for weeks when they have a row and every opportunity they have had to go away on holidays with friends or even down the pub they decline because it causes a row or ignoring each other for weeks, I find it strange and unhealthy. Maybe ask him to cut it down and spend more time and weekends with you and the kids, balance it out and you go out with your friends now and again. The time he spends with his family should massively put weigh the time he spends with his friends/going away.

Awrite · 20/02/2019 21:18

I'm genuinely surprised that so many posters would be okay with this.

Doesn't describe family life to me.

I go away with friends once a year and although I enjoy it, it makes me appreciate my weekends with dh and the kids.

Dh rarely goes away. Last year, he went away on a stag weekend and couldn't wait to get home. We are not a lovey-dovey couple.

Anyway, given how you feel, I reckon feelings of resentment and being second best will grow.

Vulpine · 20/02/2019 21:20

7 times in the last year with a 14 month old at home? Sorry but I think he's a selfish knob

Anon10 · 20/02/2019 21:25

My partner only goes away for work. Not for boys weekends. Do you mind if I ask his age? Doesn’t he miss your baby and you? Why can’t he just have nights / days out instead? Seems odd to me that people still do this once they have children.

Anon10 · 20/02/2019 21:28

Awrite im surprised too! My DH is never away unless he has to be and he tries to avoid it at all costs! We have our own interests and hobbies but also try to spend as much time together as a family, we both work so actually that time is precious to both of us.

Mummyshark2018 · 20/02/2019 21:34

I don't think 7 a year is excessive. That's once every 2 months. I go away more than my dh- prob 4 weekends away, then the odd night away. I actively encourage my dh to organise things with mates but he's a homebody and he does travel for work so I get he likes being at home. However I am not going to forgo my time away just because he doesn't want to. Can you organise things with friends/ family on those weekends he's away? Make the most of it?

TheCrowFromBelow · 20/02/2019 22:04

What is a “boy’s weekend”? It sounds a bit childish TBH. When you have children you have to reassess priorities.
I also don’t think he’d being telling you to go away if he thought you actually would.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2019 22:09

Luckily dh and I both value family time a lot its possible to value fany time and have your own interests which don't include them. Of course I miss DH and DS when I'm away, and I can't wait to get back to them. But this year will be 8 weekends away over the year, three of which will be Thur-Mon. It doesn't make me a worse Mum or love them less than someone who never leaves their side

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 22:32

What makes those of you who got your backs up 'cool parents' is the fact that you're here, not so subtly bragging about how much better you'd handle this than OP. So what if you would be cool with 7 weekends of solo parenting? You're not the OP. She's not happy about it so her partner should be listening to her and working to find a compromise that works for their family.

12 days by the way was including the work days around the weekend away as the OP would likely have no downtime then either. Weekend tends to be downtime and she won't get that with an absent partner. Thus 12 days 'on'.

OP you are not unreasonable.

Dumbie · 20/02/2019 22:47

Op, my DH is only able to socialise with his friends for entire weekends apparently. 'lads weekends' like they are still 18. Drove me up the wall after having my ds, particularly when I was on mat leave. I needed adult company and to share the load a bit. My DH says the same as yours 'you should go away too' but then we'd lose a lot of family time if that was the case. I like family time!

7 full weekends is too much in a year.

We've compromised on this by the weekends being reduced to just 1 night. If going away for a bit longer then he does a bit of prep to make life a bit easier (fridge stocked, car with petrol in, washing basket under control etc) but a frequent full weekend is too much. He also travels for work, shares a season ticket and has a hobby that keeps him in the study a few evenings a week, so it's not like he doesn't have enough time for himself!

Meralia · 20/02/2019 23:13

7 times a year is excessive.

It’s different if you don’t have children, you can do what you like really. But leaving you
On your own with a toddler for so many weekends is not great. My dh has
Never gone away for the weekend socially
Without me. We also have a toddler and I’d be really pissed off if he kept swanning off for weekends away when he pleased.

Treble9 · 20/02/2019 23:26

There are 45 other weekends in the year. I wouldn't be that bothered to be honest. I'm quite happy to be "left alone".

I'd probably be more bothered that I had no friends that wanted to do the same sort of thing with me.

It also sounds like some people here are just incapable of spending time alone without another adult present but blame others for it instead.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2019 23:31

You're not the OP. She's not happy about it so her partner should be listening to her and working to find a compromise that works for their family
I do agree with this. Regardless of me saying it works for us, it only works for us because DH is fine having DS alone for 8 weekends a year. If he wasn't, I wouldn't go. If DS wasn't OK, I wouldn't go. It's a constantly open for discussion arrangmenent.

Re 12 days, OP didn't clarify whether she's doing all the childcare for the two weeks either side too, but perhaps that's whether some of the compromise needs to come in. That's he's back by a sensible time Sunday I na reasonable state and OP then gets a night off in the week before he goes and when he's back

Tennesseewhiskey · 21/02/2019 05:39

What makes those of you who got your backs up 'cool parents' is the fact that you're here, not so subtly bragging about how much better you'd handle this than OP.

No we are giving a different opinion.

So what if you would be cool with 7 weekends of solo parenting? You're not the OP. She's not happy about it so her partner should be listening to her and working to find a compromise that works for their family

She asked for opinions. Mine is different to yours. Ops points have been based, alot, on the fact that her friends won't go away and the fact that she feels he isn't prioritising them. My opinion is it's not fair to stop someone doing something because your friends don't want to. And he spends the majority of weekends at home, so is prioritising.

'Cool' is a lazy insult, used by people that use when they simply don't like other opinions and use to hint that the 'Cool person doesn't really have that opinion. But are being walked over and only have that opinion to appear cool.

Where for some of us, having a weekend away every 8 weeks isn't a big deal.

It's amazes me how many women on MN simply don't believe other women can have a different opinion and it still be their own.

RoboticSealpup · 21/02/2019 07:54

you mentioned that sometimes he just hangs out at a friends house all weekend? I think that’s peculiar, if that’s the case

Agree with this. It's not like he's doing anything special, he just wants to be away from you.

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