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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts in boys weekends

98 replies

Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:03

Hi - just wanting some thoughts. My husband goes on regular weekends away (he's been away for around 7 weekends away with his friends in the past year). It's starting to get to me as we have a 14 month old who I end up looking after on my own each time after a hard week. When I've questioned him about how often he goes away in the past, he's just said that it's important to have your own thing and that I should book weekends with my girlfriends. This would be great, except all my friends seem to spend their weekends with their own partners and children and don't want to go away for weekends more than perhaps once a year. Is he being unreasonable going away this often when he has a young family or do I need to just accept that he is lucky to have friends and hobbies (he plays golf) that mean he has the opportunity to go away regularly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wondering83 · 20/02/2019 00:07

Yes, I really feel like we need to talk and agree on what is reasonable.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2019 00:08

The issue isn't the number it, its that you're unhappy.
I'll be away for a weekend in March, April and May, then a long weekend in June, Jy and August then a weekend in Nov. DH will have 3.5 yo DS all that time, Inc booking 7 work days off in total. MIL will visit but only comes to play for an hour. DS has additional needs and DH will have worked all week. He's willing to do it for me to make me happy.

In contrast, I'll nag him to go visit his mate but he'll prob go once. I'd be happy for him to go more.

If you feel like it's affecting your family time or you're happiness you need to talk and compromise. If he isn't willing to sacrifice his him time despite it making you unhappy, you aren't compatible and it'll only grow into resentment as the years role on

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/02/2019 00:10

Has he ever looked after his baby on his own for longer than a couple of hours?

Not the same but could you not have a 'break' at home where you can have a lie in both Saturday and Sunday, potter about, go out for coffee, hobby, etc and HE has to be responsible for looking after the baby and do the chores all weekend like you have to?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/02/2019 05:16

And not sure why splitting up came into the discussion?!

Because you have issues with being left alone in charge of childcare for a WHOLE weekend. I’m pointing out the possibility of that happening every weekend if things didn’t work out. Is a few times a year really a deal-breaker?

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2019 05:31

Have you spoken to your husband about going away less? It doesn't sound like he's that interested in family life, he'd rather do something with his friends

anascrecca · 20/02/2019 05:36

I wouldn't be happy if my husband went away with mates 7 weekends a year. He works weekends and I find that a pain. My children are just normal children but I find it hard work and isolating on my own with them all day , especially when everyone else is spending time with their families.

snitzelvoncrumb · 20/02/2019 05:47

Book a hotel for just yourself, go to the spa and relax. Honestly you don't need to go with anyone. Get a massage or facial or both, have an uninterrupted bath, watch a move and you pick it, have room service, read a book maybe go for a walk and look around shops. Do all this with a smile on your face, because at home your husband is looking after the child on his own.

snitzelvoncrumb · 20/02/2019 05:48

And I should mention you get to do this as many times as your husband, I imagine he will go away a bit less.

SpiritedLondon · 20/02/2019 05:55

I think 7 weekends is a lot when you have a 14 month at home. It’s not as if you can take them to too much to break up the days. My DH doesn’t go away at all but used to work shifts so I can remember the feeling of trying to fill up the days and the fact that most people are busy with their own plans. It is a lot easier if you have a relative that you can pop to for a couple of hours to break up the monotony. ( I didn’t either so I understand). Whether he would be prepared to cut down a bit I don’t know but you should start to prioritise your own plans a little - plan some events for all of you and yourself so he doesn’t have so many free weekends to choose from ( “ sorry you can’t we’re off to Peppa Pig land / I’m off for a Mumsnet spa day “ )

Hollowvictory · 20/02/2019 06:06

I'd be fine with that. It's important to do the things that make you happy in life, good for mental health! He's happy for you to do the same and it's not his fault your friends aren't interested. Don't begrudge him a hobby and some down time, it's not really that bad looking after a baby on your own for 7 weekends out of 52. As for 'letting' him do this, you're on the road to nowhere if you start sayi g you won't 'let' him go. That's controlling and unreasonable.
Get some interests and get out more yourself, you spy d a bit mopey and passive, life is for living!

Huntawaymama · 20/02/2019 06:18

It's slightly different but my husband is away a lot seeing his friends.

He's a farmer so in the summer the only time he has off is a Sunday afternoon which he'll mostly spend with us.

In the winter he's quieter with work so from November until the end of January nearly all of his weekends are like this

Saturday - up at 5am, feed the sheep, away shooting with his friends at 9/10, gets home Sunday at 11am/12pm, works until 5pm. I maybe get to see him for 4 weekends over the shooting season

Personally I don't mind, it's his hobby and he works so hard. I don't like spending all my time alone with the kids but I just fill our time with outings/walks/crafts/baking. And I know that June through to October he'll spend his Sunday afternoons doing stuff with us

FlagFish · 20/02/2019 06:26

I have no problem with my DH going away occasionally, but I think 7 weekends is quite a lot when you have small DC at home. I would talk to him about reducing this. I think you should be honest about finding a weekend on your own with the DC not much fun.

Also, make sure you are getting enough 'me time' in other ways. If you aren't keen on going away for a whole weekend, make sure you carve out some time for yourself in a different way (eg you have Saturday mornings free to go to a yoga class, have a swim, sit in the steam room and have a child free coffee) while your DH steps up at home.

Amanduh · 20/02/2019 06:31

Can’t see the problem. 7 weekends isn’t that much. It’s not like he’s refusing to let you have time away, it’s not his fault your friends don’t want to. Go and have some time on your own or something? It’s not that difficult to look after your child alone for a weekend every now and then.

AuntieCJ · 20/02/2019 06:32

He needs to grow up, OP.

Apple103 · 20/02/2019 06:35

Yanbu that's far too much especially with a smaller baby. My dh rarely does this as he much prefers to be with us. But even if he does I dont really mind because hes such a good dad and husband and I'm secure that we are his priority. He also extends me great courtesy and respect if he goes away, such as letting me know in advance and making sure it doesnt clash with anything we have planned or if my ds needs anything done.

A friend of his asked him just the other day to go away for a sporting event in a few months. He replied to say sorry mate its Apple's birthday that weekend. Maybe next time. We dont even have anything planned as yet!!

Your DH seems to want the best of both. 7 times in a year is way too much.

Hollowvictory · 20/02/2019 06:37

Why is 7 weekends playing golf not grown up? It's grown up to be happy for one's partner that they have a hobby and friends to do it with. 14 days out of 365 isn't much!
If you read any of the research on happiness, what is a key factor in people being happy is having a passion be it golf, ballroom dancing, macrame or yoga.
The op needs to get out a bit more and take advant of the child free time her dp is telling her to take.
We're all responsible for our own happiness and the op needs to focus a bit more on her own and stop mithering that her dp plays golf for 7 put of 52 weekends.

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 06:46

My friends are less available because their partners are spending time with them, which I seems be the case for the majority of married couples. I also prefer to spend my weekends with DH and DD. If I spent as many weekends away I would feel like our family time would be seriously reduced

But he is spending the majority of weekends with you and Your daughter.

I actually agree that it seems a lot, but throwing in 'everyone else wants to spend time with their partner is putting a spin on it that doesnt need to be there. You are saying that he does this because he doesn't want to spend weekends with you.

Where that doesn't seem the case, he just wants to see his friends too.

If you arent happy you arent happy. You need to discuss this.

I disagree with AnyFucker and this statement Some women will put up with any shit to stay in a relationship and try and make others as fearful of being alone as they are

That's bullshit. If OP in unhappy there is nothing wrong with her staying and trying to sort this. Not everyone has to walks way the minute there is something they are Happy with. This might be something that didn't bother the op before kids and may not in a few years when the child is older.

Looking down and belittling people who don't want to split up, the instant they aren't happy with one aspect, isn't helpful. It's something you do to make yourself feel better.

And if you really feel the op should leave, do you think that sort of things helps her leave?

Hollowvictory · 20/02/2019 06:49

He spends 87% of weekends with you, I just worked it out.

barefaced · 20/02/2019 07:14

This wouldn't work for me or my relationship.

Are you consulted or does he just assume you'll pick up the slack.

Also it's not just childcare is it, it's everything - house, cooking, washing, planning etc.

F1amingo · 20/02/2019 07:18

OP - are all these weekends for golf?

I wouldn’t mind if it was for something specific like a sport or hobby, but you mentioned that sometimes he just hangs out at a friends house all weekend? I think that’s peculiar, if that’s the case.

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 07:49

7 a year is TOO MUCH! He has to recognise that he is a father now and his life has changed. You don't get a choice in how much your life has changed, he needs to realise that and adjust to support you.

My DH goes away maybe two weekends a year, sometimes just one. When our second was born he didn't go away for a whole year in order to support me through having two littles. Because that's what considerate men do. It's all well and good saying you should book your own weekends but that doesn't help you for the seven when you are totally alone. Are you able to disappear for just one whole weekend to dump him in the deep end? Make sure he can't just slope off to his parents' and get his mum to do the parenting.

DinosApple · 20/02/2019 07:52

I think 7 weekends is a lot.

Are you at home with baby or working?

Perhaps you could point out that to facilitate his weekends away you are doing a 12 day parenting stint and it's exhausting.

Would he work 7x 12 day stints at his job so you could have seven weekends away and not feel resentful?

ScrumptiousBears · 20/02/2019 08:01

My DP has roughly 1 weekend and say 4 days out with friends a year. However he also works 12 hour shifts plus commute which include nights and weekends. So we get 2 weekend a month off. So adding this all together he is away from home a lot which is hard.

I do think 7 weekends is too much but I also agree it's not his fault you can't have your time away as well.

Have you actually approached your friends to ask if they'd spend some time away every once in a while?

ShatnersWig · 20/02/2019 08:01

He spends 87% of weekends with you, I just worked it out

Yep. Doesn't seem to bad to me. Even if he cut it back to once every other month (ie six in the year) I don't think that's unreasonable.

And it's not his issue your friends don't want to go away. That's a non argument. If you're not happy about it, you need to talk, but it can't be a case of "you can't go away as much because I can't" - because you can, you choose not to. If you genuinely feel you don't spend enough time together as a family, that's the discussion.

BTQ67 · 20/02/2019 08:03

I don’t think it’s a lot to be honest.

I don’t stay away much, maybe twice a year and my wife maybe 3 or 4 times but I do go to football at least 20 times a year and this takes up around 5 hrs at the weekend. I didn’t that before we met though so why would I stop?

If he did this before he met you or before children then I don’t really see a problem. Isn’t looking after a child something thank you had children for? I love it when I get my DD to myself when my wife is away. We have a great time