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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thoughts in boys weekends

98 replies

Wondering83 · 19/02/2019 23:03

Hi - just wanting some thoughts. My husband goes on regular weekends away (he's been away for around 7 weekends away with his friends in the past year). It's starting to get to me as we have a 14 month old who I end up looking after on my own each time after a hard week. When I've questioned him about how often he goes away in the past, he's just said that it's important to have your own thing and that I should book weekends with my girlfriends. This would be great, except all my friends seem to spend their weekends with their own partners and children and don't want to go away for weekends more than perhaps once a year. Is he being unreasonable going away this often when he has a young family or do I need to just accept that he is lucky to have friends and hobbies (he plays golf) that mean he has the opportunity to go away regularly?

OP posts:

BTQ67 · 20/02/2019 08:04

Did

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 08:26

What a ridiculous comment BTQ67. When you have kids your life should and does change. You adapt. Should you stop going to football entirely? No. Should consideration for your family and partner affect decisions in a way they didn't before having kids? Hell yes.

That said, when your kids are old enough to go together with you (if they enjoy that) then that's a lovely bonding thing. But when they are 14 months old, having them alone is really hard work.

7 weekends away maybe isn't a lot when your kids are teenagers. It sure is when they're that small and dependent though.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/02/2019 09:02

A friend of his asked him just the other day to go away for a sporting event in a few months. He replied to say sorry mate its Apple's birthday that weekend. Maybe next time. We dont even have anything planned as yet!!

That’s a very specific example though. ‘AIBU for being annoyed that my partner chose to go away with friends on my birthday?’ is a very different question and one that is unlikely to split the vote that dramatically.

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 09:10

And everyone life changes it different ways there's no reason to change things like this unless they need to. I had an 8 week break from training, to have and recover from giving birth both times. I didn't give up my hobby and apart from those 8vweeks still went 2/3 times a week.

thecatsthecats · 20/02/2019 09:13

It would piss me off no end that he went to his parents on his weekend alone. Logically, of course he can make his own arrangements, as can you, but the sheer helplessness of it riles me. (I just know that my MIL will swoop in as soon as her precious boy is left alone with any children we have - the precious boy, btw, who chose to live further away on purpose).

Do these other 'boys' (AKA grown men...) have families? If so, maybe it's time to break up the routine. Go on a couple of group breaks a year?

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 09:23

That's fine if your partner is fine with it Tennessee, but if your partner is unhappy then you have to change. Otherwise you're a massive knob.

I didn't give up my hobby either, although my hobby tends to just be evenings rather than whole weekends. That said, I have now started up my weekend away hobby once more and am gone with it 1 to 2 weekends a year. Would I like to go more? Yes absolutely. Will I? No because it wouldn't be fair to my husband. I can wait for my kids to be older before I kick back up to pre-kids frequency. It's all about consideration and OP's partner is not being considerate.

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 09:29

That's fine if your partner is fine with it Tennessee, but if your partner is unhappy then you have to change. Otherwise you're a massive knob.

And where did BTQ say his partner wasn't happy with it.

Why a massive knob? I don't believe that you give up being a person the minute a kid is born. Yes, some stuff has to change. Not everything.

If my partner had a problem simply based on, well I don't want to do the same, because my mates dont......that would make him a massive knob to try and stop me doing something I have always done, never agreed to give up based on him not wanting to the same.

Since when are we only allowed to do stuff because or partner does wants to do it too?

Why wouldn't it be fair to go away more than once or twice a year?

PBo83 · 20/02/2019 10:26

I'm with Tennesseewhiskey on this.

Having a child means that your primary responsibility is to ensuring that child is healthy and happy. It doesn't negate your own life, friends and hobbies. Nor should it, surely giving up everything that makes you 'you' is ultimately going to lead to resentment.

Of course you're not both going to be go out partying all night or jet off on random holidays. However, if you work together then you can free up time to enjoy the things that 'you' (the person, not 'x's mum/dad) are passionate about. This doesn't mean you can't have family time too.

My wife likes to goto concerts (and will stay overnight), I'll just make sure I'm at home. If I want to go to football or overnight to watch the darts then she'll stay home and then we spend time together the rest of the time.

Jog22 · 20/02/2019 10:51

I have a partner who does boys weekends - not as many as yours, maybe 3 a year. It's ok there's no need to go to a spa and have to be unclothed anywhere. I went on a brilliant art weekend on my own. Spent 2 days playing with paint, learning lots, having my confidence boosted and meeting some nice people. Went on a pony treking weekend with my mum. (Although after a total of 9 hours in the saddle after a 15 year break from riding I encountered some level of pain) Conservation weekends are nice if you want to be outside and get some nature.

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 10:58

@Tennesseewhiskey He didn't. The OP did though, making her partner a massive knob for being so inconsiderate. You absolutely have to change a bit, it's a compromise. Unless you expect one parent to do all the changing so the other doesn't have to change at all? Special.

OP isn't saying she doesn't want him to not go away because she doesn't want to go away. She's saying she needs the support at home because it's HARD being alone 12 days in a row with a 14 month old. And of course it's unfair to go away more than a couple of times a year if one's partner is struggling being alone that much with the children. You just go ahead and do whatever you want regardless of if your partner is struggling as a result do you?

I have never once said a parent must give up who they are and their hobbies. I certainly haven't done. But I DO think a parent needs to be considerate of the other parent and willing to compromise on things if the partner is unhappy with the status quo. If YOUR partner is happy with the way things are Tennessee then well done you, continue on. But OP has stated that she is NOT happy with it, so her partner needs to compromise.

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 11:18

He didn't. The OP did though, making her partner a massive knob for being so inconsiderate. You absolutely have to change a bit, it's a compromise. Unless you expect one parent to do all the changing so the other doesn't have to change at all? Special..
What are you going on about?

I responded to your response to BTQ67, where you called their comment ridiculous and claimed all life must change.

You are essentially saying that having kids means you can only continue your life if your partner agrees .....what happens when that partner is being unfair or controlling or just saying they don't want you doing something for no reason other than 'just because.

But I DO think a parent needs to be considerate of the other parent and willing to compromise on things if the partner is unhappy with the status quo. If YOUR partner is happy with the way things are Tennessee then well done you, continue on. But OP has stated that she is NOT happy with it, so her partner needs to compromise.

No that's what all relationships are about. Not just when you become parents. And being considerate means compromise in both parts.

Again, I am not talking about the op I was talking about your comments directly to btq

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/02/2019 11:59

But OP has stated that she is NOT happy with it, so her partner needs to compromise.

Really? However unreasonable the not happy with it is? Isn't a possible compromise here lining up the weekends away so they are not "at the end of the hard week" which seemed to be the problem (for me a weekend alone with your child is a positive thing, you get to cement the one on one relationship with them rather than it always being "family")

Also perhaps if the OP did go away for more than an evening out, they might find the weekends less of a hassle.

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 13:09

Why on earth is it unreasonable to not feel happy solo parenting that often?

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 13:10

Good grief, so many 'cool parents' here.

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 13:53

Good grief, so many 'cool parents' here.

And there it is. Can't engage in a debate so instead, trys a condescending put down.

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 13:58

Why on earth is it unreasonable to not feel happy solo parenting that often?

What's that often?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/02/2019 14:24

Good grief, so many 'cool parents' here.

I take it this is another expression like ‘cool wives’ used to mock anyone who doesn’t try to treat their partner like an extra child? It couldn’t possibly be that they ARE happy to be in a relationship where both parties have some freedom to live their own lives, could it? It MUST be a desperate attempt to show off and appear ‘cool’.

PBo83 · 20/02/2019 14:29

It couldn’t possibly be that they ARE happy to be in a relationship where both parties have some freedom to live their own lives, could it?

Agreed. Me and my wife do this, if she wants to go out for dinner with her friend, I'll stay home. If I want to go and watch football on a Sunday afternoon, she'll stay home. It's no big deal and I don't think anyone's trying to 'show off' or appear 'cool'.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/02/2019 15:33

OP?

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2019 17:04

it's HARD being alone 12 days in a row with a 14 month old maybe I've missed a post but where does it state OP is hoem alone for 12 days? We're talking about one weekend e ery 7 weeks or so, not nearly a fortnight's holiday

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2019 17:05

Good grief, so many 'cool parents' here
So am I the cool parent because I go away at least 7 times a year from overnight to 5 days or is DH the cool parent because he supports me and has DS on his own for all those Weekends?

HugoBearsMummy · 20/02/2019 17:43

Sorry I think it's pretty shit to go away that often when you have a small child to look after. Plus why does he even WANT to? Yes it's very nice to get away a couple times a year with the girls (if that!!!!) but 7 times? Bit much. Wouldn't be as bad if you didn't have a DC but you do and I think family time should be priority over lads weekends away.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2019 18:16

He's home 45 weeks a year compared to 7 away. Clearly family time IS a priority.

Tucobenedicto · 20/02/2019 18:30

I think you need to get your head round that he would rather spend time enjoying himself with friends than with you and your child...sounds harsh but true...good luck

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2019 18:34

I don't think it makes him a bad person for not wanting to spend 24/7 with his child and partner. OP has said she's gone out with her friends without him and implied she'd do it. More if they were up for it. Does this also mean she's a terrible person who doesn't want to be with them?

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