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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My brother hit me with a shoe

106 replies

Pepip · 19/02/2019 20:58

This goes back to when we were younger, we were always very close and rarely argued. That was until we were around 13 and 14 (he's a year older), he became very aggressive, would shout at me when we had silly arguments and usually hit me too. I was much shorter and a lot weaker and he would use that against me and often threaten me into doing what he wanted because he knew I was scared. During that time I avoided him as much as possible but he would always find something to be angry with me about. Our parents never really did much about it and would let him get away with it. Eventually he grew up, our relationship never really got better though, he just stopped being so aggressive towards me but we don't really talk nowadays. He's been working away for the past couple years but has come back recently and is staying with our parents whilst he finds a place close by. I popped in earlier with DD, was just talking to my mum when he came through the front door, clearly in a mood and decided to have a go at me for where I had put my shoes, by the door, they weren't in the way of the door though so I don't understand what the problem was. Walked into the livingroom with one of my shoes and threw it at me, hit me right in the head, i started crying immidiatley and I don't cry often but this really hurt. Our mum barely reacted, told him quietly to calm down and then asked if either of us wanted a drink. I left after that but I've never understood why she's always ignored the way he treats me, always put it down to just being siblings. I thought he had changed but clearly not. It brought me back to when we were kids and how scared I was of him, I still flinch when I walk past him sometimes

OP posts:
Lalliella · 19/02/2019 21:43

Definitely report him to the police. It’s assault. Your mum’s attitude is just weird.

Greensleeves · 19/02/2019 21:46

Is he abusing your mum when you're not there? Because it's very strange that she quietly tells him to calm down, when he's just carried out an unprovoked physical assault.

At the very least, I would tell your mum - phone, or email - that you won't be visiting again because your physical safety and that of your child have to come first. She can visit you if she wants to see you. Personally I would be asking her (gently) whether she has anything to fear from him as well. He sounds like an unhinged bully.

Is there any physical evidence of the shoe-throwing incident? A cut or bruise? If so take photographs and report to the police. It's about time somebody stood up to this man.

Handprints2018 · 19/02/2019 21:47

Yes i suspect you aren't the only woman he gets aggressive with. He just doesn't hide the abuse of you since your parents condone and accept it by not taking him to task.

You had your dd with you, this is an awful thing for her to see. For her to feel the tension even if she doesn't see. You need to protect her from your abusive brother and abuse condoning parents. You have no idea if he will ever hurt or stress your dd in the future either.

Handprints2018 · 19/02/2019 21:49

And i would report him as well as not allow him near your dd. Protect yourself and her where your parents failed to protect and care for you.

C0untDucku1a · 19/02/2019 21:49

Id be wanting to go round tomorrow to smash up whatever electronics he loves. Or the police and nc. Also, your mother?! Wtf?! That is not normal either.

Dont feel sorry for him. He is an adult who knows perfectly well how to behave.
Dont feel sorry for your mother. She is an adult and knows that behaviour was absolutely unacceptable ad she allowed it to happen without challenge.

Block her number for a while and have a break from it to decide whether you actually want a relationship with a mother who allowed this for years.

highheelsandbobblehats · 19/02/2019 21:57

My brother (3 years younger) regularly assaulted me from when we were about 10 and 13. It came to a head when we were 16/19 and he flipped, beating me with an extension lead amongst other things. I had him arrested. He never laid another finger on me again. It frightened him.
I can now say that we have a good relationship, his wife is exactly what he needs and he's a different person (now in his 30s). Being arrested gave him the wake up call he needed to sort out his issues. Do it OP. You won't regret it.

As an aside, I have a mother that stood by and did nothing. We're NC now. She'll not take your side, please just be prepared for that xx

wheresthehope · 19/02/2019 21:58

Yes I agree with others who have said its a police matter. Call them straight away.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/02/2019 22:04

I also think your DM is afraid of him. How are you suppose to stand up to him, he is a bully and physically stronger.
If you're looking to stand up to him, call the police, I know it might seem extreme as he is family but fuck that, he'll see you're serious, the cheek òf him.
I would put money on your DM been scared of him too.

BlimeyCalmDown · 19/02/2019 22:08

If you won't report him to the police then at least tell your brother (via text) and your mother that you will if it happens again.

GabsAlot · 19/02/2019 22:19

thats assault he might think being your sibling it doesnt apply to him but it does

and tell your dm u wont be going there when hes there

ChasedByBees · 19/02/2019 22:29

I would also report him for assault.

BingLiveisRubbish · 19/02/2019 22:40

This is exactly what my Mum is like! Your brother sounds just like mine!!!!!

BingLiveisRubbish · 19/02/2019 22:41

You NEED to call Police. Now.

talktoo · 19/02/2019 22:49

You need to be prepared that if you report him to the police your mother will likely blame you. You will become the problem and your dB the victim. She has already shown many times that she does not regard what he does as a real problem. She will allow you to be assaulted in front of her and not even speak out against it. So he prepared as the one who is rocking the boat that she will come after you most likely. But hold your ground. Tell her you are no longer going to allow yourself to be assaulted. And if she is happy to witness you being assaulted by your dB the. You are not able to spend time with her anymore. Nor will your dc as their safety can not be assured as she has proven that she will stand by while your dB is violent.

pallisers · 19/02/2019 23:04

You need to stand up for yourself. Walk right up to him and say "how dare you hit me. if you ever fucking assault me again I'll call the police on you you piece of shit"

Or text that now. and copy your mother and step father. and separately text your mum and tell her you won't be visiting her house when he is there.

Also, and I also never say this, I agree with pp that if you have a male partner or friend who could get in his face and tell him if he looks at you funny, he'll have to deal with him, it might be helpful. He sounds horrible by the way.

Violence from siblings is very common and frequently minimsed. You don't have to go along with that. Sorry you were assaulted.

pallisers · 19/02/2019 23:05

gosh I just realised your dd, who must be quite young, was there when this happened. your mother's lack of reaction is terrible.

GunpowderGelatine · 20/02/2019 00:06

OP that is absolutely horrific, don't let your mums reaction gaslight you into thinking this is normal. It isn't. I would have cried too.

You need to go NC with your rotten violent brother and you need to confront you parents about their minimisation too.

I really do think some people (let's face it mostly men) who are violent from a young age carry it through their whole lives. My middle brother (who my mum waxes lyrical about how lovely and kind he is) is a bad tempered twat, always was. I put some old photos of us as kids on Facebook and his then-wife called me to ask me to remove them because he was throwing things about the house in a rage. He was always a liar and a thief too and from what I know that hasn't changed either. Thank god my eldest brother (who my mum is less than complimentary about for no good reason) is lovely and normal.

GunpowderGelatine · 20/02/2019 00:08

Oh and I vote for calling police too. Even if they don't pursue it a visit will give him a good kick up the arse. But be prepared for your parents to take his side. They sound the type!

Hope you're ok OP Thanks

SoleBizzz · 20/02/2019 00:11

Your Mom is scared of him too. She is enabling hus behaviour also. Can you see her without going anywhere near him?
He is a vile physically abusive bully.

Pinkyyy · 20/02/2019 00:13

Have you ever spoken to your mum and asked her why she allows this behaviour to happen and never says anything? If he's assaulting her too then you both need to report him, if not then I'd drop contact with both.

nanny2012nanny · 20/02/2019 00:16

Sadly I put up with 30 years of crap from my brother until I reported him to the police. He’s a bully don’t let him get away with it it will only get worse

beansontoastfortea · 20/02/2019 00:35

I really hope you find the courage to report the bastard! How dare he!! I'm so angry on your behalf and your mum is an absolutely wet wipe!! How dare she react as if it's nothing!

ohtheholidays · 20/02/2019 00:35

He fucking assaulted you,I'd be calling the Police on the arsehole and I'd never ever let him be anywhere near any DC!

I'd also be telling your Mum that she's not having contact with your DC whilst she condones someone assaulting you in her home!

Surfingtheweb · 20/02/2019 01:04

Wow. My brother was a bit of a shit when we became teenagers too, but when I was 17 & him about 19 he started being nice again. We are really close now. Your brother sounds like he has mental issues. Hope you are ok.

OffToBedhampton · 20/02/2019 04:38

It's domestic violence. And it is an assault. Infront of a child too. This isn't usual 'sibling spats', he really hurt you, has a pattern/ history of this, and could have hit your child with that shoe- it's bad enough he aimed it for your face/head.

The police would arrest him for that.

I agree with PP that your DM/DF can't be trusted to protect you and your DC from your violent DB. They didn't protect you as a child. I'd kicking up merry hell (the fact you're not says you're scared of him) and never going anywhere - including to DParents- if that violent man is going to be there.

Take photos of bruising, talk to someone, think about what you do next and what support is available.

I wonder how he treats your DParents when they annoy him?