To have left

[Whatisthisfuckery]

On Sunday my sister invited me and DS 11 up to spend a couple of days with her and her two DC. I thought me and DS could do with a change of scenery so we went yesterday morning. Train tickets cost £70 and the journey was crap, standing all the way.

Anyway we went for a meal at a local pub Before we left we popped to the toilet. My sis called her DS, also 11, into the womens’ toilets. I said to her that I didn’t think it was right that an 11 yo boy should be in the womens’ toilets. Her DS is tiny and he’s no bother but we were in a busy family pub and the toilets had people in and out all the time. She said she didn’t want her DS in the mens’ by himself because it’s not safe. I told her I still disagreed and that he’s too old and he should learn to respect female space.

When we got out her DD 9 said ‘if I saw a boy coming out of the womens’ I’d think it was weird.’ I said to my sis that she’d just heard it out of the mouth of her own DD. Sis went nuts at this. All the walk home she was shouting at me. I still wouldn’t agree with her that it’s fine to allow her 11 yo boy in the womens’ toilets so it went from I don’t agree with you because of x y and z, to ‘you just can’t accept anyone else having an opinion can you.’ I pointed out that I can, I just don’t agree. Then she went batshit, shouting right up in my face, throwing accusations and waving her arms and stamping her feet. She really lost it.

By this time my DS was like wtf? Can we leave, this is crazy. I told him to grab his kit and we went outside to get a taxi.

Sis then comes out twice to try and get us to go back in and stay and I said ‘no, I’m not putting up with that behaviour.’ Then the third time she came out and said sorry she’d lost it and could we please just stay, it was 9:30pm by then. I was about to talk to her and reconsider when she shouted,’’my two kids are in there breaking their hearts because of the way you were shouting,’ so I said ‘no, you’re still blaming me for your behaviour so no, I’m not having that.’

When she went in and we were waiting for the taxi DS said that the last time she’d come out she’d bought her DD out holding a heart shaped love cushion thing. I’ve got bad eyes so I didn’t even see.

So what I want to know is was I being unreasonable? I was so bloody angry that she couldn’t have a disagreement without having a massive toddler tantrum, but more over, that she’d shown her DD that her feelings didn’t matter and gone on to kick off in such a way that completely undermined her DD. Then she’d bought her DD out to use her as emotional blackmail to get us to stay. IMO she behaved terribly but am I over reacting.

@Lweji 11-12

@Mirrivan

If you're after an answer then no. If, as I suspect, you're alluding so some point then you may need to be clearer.

I think YABU.. If she wants to take her son in the loos with her then she can because

1. something might happen to him.

2.her child, her decision 3.... He's still a child, not even 16....

1. Why should she listen to you?
2. You should've respected her first reply reason
3. You need to apologise and mind your own business

If you were my sister there's no way I'd let u have my kids on an outing knowing this is how you'd deal with them. What if her son got snatched from the men's loos while u were looking after them because of your ignorant views?

You owe her a massive apology

Are there any statistics for how many boys are assaulted by strangers in family pub toilets?

Well a boy was assaulted in the men’s toilets at our local shopping centre!!!

Going to need the statistics for how many boys assault girls with their mums standing two feet away?

@Mirrivan

Well, it's obvious that there won't be statistics about such a specific crime (i.e. define 'family pub', 'boys' etc.) so obviously you were making a point but I didn't think it was clear.

HRTFT, am quite militant about the fact that toilets should be sex-not-gender, have never had a son...but after all those caveats if I did have a small 11-year-old I wouldn't want him going into a pub toilet on his own. (hope the conversation hasn't moved on to a completely different topic by the time this posts 😂 )

Whilst I agree to an extent that boys of that age should be going into their own gendered toilets, I think you should have dropped it.

A boy of 11 was recently raped in some toilets in my hometown whilst his Mum was waiting outside for him. The assault only stopped when she shouted his name. I can understand your sisters fears and maybe she needed more support about how to let him go independently into the loos whilst also ensuring his safety.

It’s always better to approach these things with kindness and understanding first rather than a harsh, judgemental tone.

I think you both owe each other an apology to be honest.

What an absolute shit show.

Lweji 11-12

Aren't they suposed to start at least at 5 in year 1? How are they 11?

reception 4-5
Y1 5-6
Y2 6-7
Y3 7-8
Y4 8-9
Y5 9-10
Y6 10-11
Y7 11-12

That's England, at any rate. Different in Scotland I believe.

Yes they're 5 at the start of y1, just as they are 11 six years later at the start of y7.

At our local family pub last weekend, our DD’s refused to use the ladies because two boys were hiding out in the cubicles spying over the tops of the stalls at women and girls going to the toilet. These were ‘small size’ year 7 boys. But I suppose that’s ok, hey MN?

So I imagine that you, as a capable adult told them to get out or you called a member of staff to do so?

Two unaccompanied boys dicking about spying obviously shouldn't be there. An accompanied boy not dicking about is a totally different situation.

At our local family pub last weekend, our DD’s refused to use the ladies because two boys were hiding out in the cubicles spying over the tops of the stalls at women and girls going to the toilet. These were ‘small size’ year 7 boys. But I suppose that’s ok, hey MN?
Obviously that’s not ok. Surely you alerted a member of staff?
A child going to the toilet with their mother is not the same as this incident.

Rule No 1 of parenting: never criticise how some else chooses to bring their DC up.

It's none of your business, whether she's family or not.

You were in the wrong here and behaved appallingly in front of your own DC and your sisters.