To not want mother to kiss baby for this reason?

[ripeavocado]

I have a 9-month-old who interacts with my mother quite closely. My mother has a partner who regularly gets cold sores. Although my mother has never presented with a lesion, I know it’s possible that she may carry the virus asymptotically, and can at any point be “shedding” the virus (am I correct in believeing this?). For this reason, I’ve asked her not to kiss my baby. She’s taken offence to this (as she believes that she doesn’t carry the virus due to her never having had a lesion), and I suppose I’d like to know whether people feel I’m being unreasonable? Also, if not, is there any way of protecting my baby, should my mum ever slip up and kiss him?

Just to add, the offence my mum took was very brief - nothing she'll dwell on, nothing that's relationship-rupturing. Our relationship is much stronger than to be ruptured by something like this. Her partner is half her age (he's exactly my age - 25) and she knows that their relationship "won't last forever", so it's not as if the risk (or my concern) will always be there. Even if the risk didn't decrease with age, I'd probably learn to relax if a decent amount of time had passed and my mum still hadn't presented with a cold sore - I'd probably assume that she wasn't a "carrier". It's whilst her partner is currently in her life (thus she's currently being intimate with him) that I'm going to be concerned.

I don't think YABU actually. Granted she's out of the newborn stage but still small enough. Lots of people really don't understand the risks with herpes virus and babies

If you wanted no advise why come here. Or does it bother you your mums bf is half his age?

You do seem more bothered about the partner?

Justagirlwholovesaboy to be honest, I was expecting that most people wouldn't feel I was being unreasonable and I thought I could show my mum the evidence... to show her that the risks are very real, and other mothers know it!

I don't have a problem with his age! I only mentioned his age because it's an important factor in how long my mum feels the relationship will last. That being said, I don't agree with his lifestyle. He drinks, smokes, takes drugs recreationally and generally has poor self-care (I'm not referring to the cold sore here, by the way - I'm aware that any kind of person can end up with a cold sore!), and I suppose I feel that my mum has adopted a few of his unhealthy habits.

I wouldn't show a mumsnet post tbh - that smacks of ganging up on her, beating her down.

Google a decent article on the risks and share that instead

And yet you are still coming across as judgemental, would you want your mum slagging off your dp?

Easy solution, cut all contact, don’t see her again, no kisses then

I can't believe the ignorance of some people when it comes to babies and the dangers of the herpes virus. YADNBU. Nobody has a right to kiss your baby except for you and the baby's father. I specifically tell people not to kiss my baby and I've caught people doing it anyway. It drives me fucking insane.

You can only get the virus from someone with an active cold sore. Dh gets them. I don’t and neither does dd. He has kissed us both hundreds of times. Including when she was a baby. I really don’t understand why you have banned your mum tbh. Your reasoning sounds ill informed.

I meant to add I’m assuming you mean kissing at all. Not kissing on the lips. Only dh and I kiss dd on the lips. It’s a family thing.

Justagirlwholovesaboy how, exactly, was I slagging off her partner? I merely stated how I felt, and in a very neutral, not emotionally-driven, inoffensive (or so I thought) manner. I didn't use 'slaggy-offy' language...

Mumsnet users can be funny people. On the one hand, they can be very brutal, unforgiving, overly sarcastic and 'tough love' towards OP (showing a lack of sensitivity). On the other hand, they can be very PC and pedantic, and have a tendency to over-interpret things like judgement and criticism from OP (showing a kind of over-sensitivity). What's it all about, eh?

OP YABU. I suffer from cold sores. By your logic my DH should never kiss his DCs.

If she isn't showing any symptoms this really isnt something to worry about.

Also, I mean this really kindly- dont post in AIBU if you dont want to hear people's opinions! You can of course say what you like to your DM and make whatever rules you want about your DC. But you've asked if you think its reasonable and no, I don't think it is.

@Mississippilessly I have no problem with people's opinions - I was just addressing/challenging the parts of the opinions that I felt were ill-informed!

But the evidence suggests that the risk is only there if there is a lesion.

No one should be kissing anyone's baby if they're not comfortable with it.

I'm well past the pfb stage and I wouldn't be ok with it. I've seen how terrible the cold sore virus can be for babies. Why would you risk it when it's so easily avoided? You can still love a baby without touching it with your mouth.

OP - i have a compromised immune system. I have to be very careful who I come I contact with, especially if they are actively ill. But I don’t go overboard, because I also: go shopping, out to dinner, fly on planes, swim in communal pools, shake hands with people I’ve just met, etc. The point I’m trying to make here is you can’t expect to control everything, and sometimes your child may get sick, but that may be helpful to his immune system at his young age. I’m not suggesting herpes zoster is helpful, but other bugs can be, although they’re annoying in the short term.

YABU. I have the cold sore virus, got it from my dad - he always avoided kissing us as kids when he had a sore but must have slipped up one time when I was younger. If your mum had a sore on her lips then of course she shouldn't kiss your baby, abs you'd be being very reasonable. I never kiss my son or DH when I get a cold sore - but if you do not have a sore on your lips then the virus will not spread.

I can understand why you'd be concerned- but if you are stopping your mum from kissing your child when you don't even know she has the virus, where and who does this stop with? By this logic, everyone you potentially meet could have the virus without knowing- even you.
Here's the NHS advice regarding cold sores which states they are only contagious when a sore is present. www.nhs.uk/conditions/cold-sores/

HSV-1 is most contagious during an outbreak of symptomatic oral herpes, but can also be transmitted when no symptoms are felt or visible. People with active symptoms of oral herpes should avoid oral contact with others and sharing objects that have contact with saliva.Jan 31, 2017
Herpes simplex virus - World Health Organization

www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus

YANBU.
My friend's DD1 was given herpes by her great grandmother when she was a few weeks old because the woman had cold sores and refused to listen when asked not to kiss the baby.

Your mother's "want" to kiss your baby, does not override your baby's right to NOT contract herpes from her.

DH has cold sores from time to time - but he knows when they're coming and is VERY careful with the rest of us, consequently none of us have caught it from him.

Your mother can demonstrate affection for your baby without kissing him anywhere near his mouth, nose or eyes.

Sorry, meant to highlight this bit:
"HSV-1.... can also be transmitted when no symptoms are felt or visible."

If your mother could be shedding the herpes virus asymptomatically and without ever having had an attack why couldn’t the same be true for you? Do you refrain from kissing your baby as well? And why let her kiss the top of his head, she will give him a cold sore there as well?

Assuming the risks you have identified are correct you are not being consistent in protecting from them.

I wouldn’t kiss a baby and I wouldn’t expect others too. You’d baby you’d choice . I certainly would not kiss a baby on the lips ever

Yanbu.

@Justagirlwholovesaboy
You’re actually coming across as judgmental.
OP quite rightly wants to protect her baby from herpesvirus it’s hardly fatal for grandma to refrain from kissing infant on the face but it’s possible for infant to become incredibly unwell and die from coming into contact with the virus. Why take the risk...

I think you're only looking for people to agree with you.

Obviously if someone has a cold sore they shouldn't kiss babies
But if you suffer but don't actually have one it's fine.
And if you've never had one? What's the real risk of carrying?

Have you ever asked your doctor? Do that before this goes any further.

Why has no one mentioned how weird it is to kiss a baby on the lips? I would never dream of kissing a baby, especially someone else's baby, on the lips. And I don't have the herpes virus!