DD 19 heartbroken- AIBU to send her back to uni?

[WorriedaboutDD19]

DD’s relationship of 5 months ended two weeks ago. He was emotionally abusive, strong armed her into an engagement engagement and then cut her off from her friends. We all saw this happening gradually, me and DH tried to offer advice but ultimately had to wait until she realised for herself. We’ve been there for her these last few weeks, made an effort to spend time with her and have talked about her relationship at length.

Eventually she did- she’s now a complete mess and I don’t know if I’m BU to expect more from her.

He lied, cheated, manipulated. Yet DD genuinely loved him, believed his crazy lies and thought they’d be together in the future. The whole thing shocked me, it was a terrible case of emotional manipulation and I understand she’s heartbroken, anxious and feeling alone. She occasionally still wants to go back to him, luckily she has been strong enough NOT to do that.

She’s been home from uni for two weeks. Her boyfriend was literally with her 24/7 and wouldn’t leave her alone. She now has the dogs on her bed to feel less alone, can’t sleep without the light on, can’t bear to return to uni. She has loads of friends but is continuing to cut them out. She’s fine in the day, but at night she just cries. Says she loves him still, he loves her despite how he treated her and she’s scared she won’t find that again.

She’s gotten a little better gradually but AIBU to tell she HAS to go back to uni? She’s missing out on lectures, etc... and I honestly think having her friends and people her own age will help.

On the other hand, I don’t see how she can be alone at uni when she can’t even bear to sleep without the dogs in her room.

Advice is appreciated! Really at a loss here. I don’t know if it’s just heartbreak or if he’s affected her so much with the emotional abuse she needs professional help. Thank you.

Oh goodness, she sounds like a bit of a mess right now. I don't think you can send her back. She's dealing with all sorts of complex emotions, so don't add feeing rejected by you on top of that.

I would recommend getting in touch with the university student support services, I guarantee this won't be the first call they've ever had abou this.

I don't have an answer for you but suggest you contact the university wellbeing team for advice and support.
They might not talk to you about her specifically but they will be able to give you some general advice and tell you what on going support they can offer.

Are you able to contact any of her friends? They may not realise that she was manipulatively isolated from them.

I'd be worried about sending her back within his reach without an adequate support network.

Can she suspend her studies and take a leave of absence for a year? It sounds like she needs support and recovery. Sending her back won’t help imo, she needs putting back together before she can study effectively.

Userplusnumbers- she is indeed a mess. He was so manipulative, everyday, in such small ways. Gradually she became ‘his’ entirely- the other day I found her crying because she couldn’t choose what to watch on tv as he ALWAYS chose. Her whole was him. The one positive thing is that she seems to be tying to distract herself and has also expressed relief at feeling some freedom. She’s also seen a few of her friends, which weirdly she felt anxious about as before she wouldn’t have been ‘allowed.’ I’ve spent ages talking to her but I feel maybe she needs to talk to someone other than me.

I won’t force her back if she really doesn’t want to go, but her all her friends are there and will rally around and drag her out. It’ll just be the nights that’ll be lonely.

First things first, has she told anyone on the teaching staff what's going on? So she isn't penalised.

Second, check out services at uni.

And what about the Freedom Program while she's with you?

Ok but that aside, she needs to get a grip. Everyone goes through bad break ups, cheating lying partners etc. She has been unlucky but its not unusual to get codependent in immature relationships coupled with his abusive nature its a double whammy.

But life goes on. Her future is at stake. Uni is expensive. It doesnt stop when you dont feel like it.

How many adults do you know who go through the worst of times death divorce desertion and still carry on working or looking after their family.

Tough love time. You need to support her at a distance. She needs to stop wallowing.

Would she be open to reading about emotional abuse and would it help her?
The Freedom Programme has chapters on Living With the Bully and The Dominator which sound as if they might be apt.

I don't think she is ready - I am assuing he is there too so there is a high risk it makes it wasier to go back.

Its a very vulnerable time and she needs to break the habit.

I would make the effort to get copies of friends notes and make sure work and reading is done. I would also try and get her some therapy of some sort CBT may be useful

Uni is expensive. It doesnt stop when you dont feel like it

Actually it does. You can suspend your course. Which is what I’d recommend tbh. The real waste of money would be sending her to uni and paying for it when she isn’t capable of focusing enough to succeed. Better to take a leave of absence and go back when she’s ready and able.

Check with the uni get her an academic break til easternif she genuinely needs it. TBH it was a 5 month relationship however awful and she should really get a bit of a grip. Unless you think she’s in danger of harming herself the best thing is to kick her back out there to sort herself out, move in, see her friends, study. How difficult is her course? Is she risking dropping behind over this loser ? She needs to be cracking on with it really.

Presumably this all happened while she had her uni friends, had her lectures etc and still he wormed his way in. Until she has worked out what made her vulnerable to his manipulation, she is at huge risk of it happening again, either with him or someone else.

So I agree with PP that suspending her studies for a year, or even considering moving to a different uni, would be a good idea, with some counselling in the meantime.

she's been extremely brave to be able to break free of him, he sounds horrific.

Second everybody else. Let her stay as long as she needs, but let student support know.

She's being incredibly strong. It takes so much to break away from this level of control

And this isnt heartbreak at the ending of a relationship, this is her trying to come to terms with the end of brainwashing.

She was in a cult. She was brainwashed into believing his version of life was the best and only. She is coming out of that.

A cult gives security. While he was making all the decisions, she didnt have to and that gives a sense of safety in a weird way. She is free now and that can be terrifying, she has the freedom to make mistakes, to get it wrong as well as right, and that is scary.

I'm torn on this one...
One the one hand, poor girl. It sounds as though she has had a ucky escape, but it will take a while for her to really feel that. However it's only two weeks... in another month's time she may well be recovering and bouncing back and I'd be hesitant to suggest taking a year out as it may simply prolong her feelings . I don't think it's unreasonable to take a couple more weeks off (get her to a gp.. note for depression or whatever best fits) and pass that to Uni... then send her back to start the term a couple of weeks late.

Both my girls went through nasty break ups at University... one had a suicidal stalker ex and it ws pretty awful for a while, but the routine of Uni and uni friends helped considerably (also she was doing medicine and time out would have been disasterous). Other daughter was traumatised, but again... getting on with every day stuff helped.

I'd send her back... a little late if needed but I don't personally think that taking a year out is a good idea. Counceling tho.. yes.

Teenage (maybe even first ?) love ending feels seriously devastating. I would not minimise the pain.
TBH it was a 5 month relationship however awful and she should really get a bit of a grip. Harsh but true.

Thats really frightening, its not just a normal relationship break up. Is he near uni, near your home, or is everything near if you see what I mean? I'd be worried he was going to get in touch again. I'd keep her with you for the rest of the month just to be sure.

To be so trapped in a coercive relationship so young and after only 5 months, its just ringing alarm bells. Id say she would benefit from counselling on self esteem and protecting herself, and help to process what has happened. My DD is 18 due to start uni in September and this is one of my biggest fears for her.

They’d only been together five months!

Dd needs to woman up. Do the freedom programme, get a better sense of her self, not lose herself to an abusive bloke so soon...

It was 5 months.

5 horrible months.

You should encourage her to go back to her course. A 5 month blip cannot plus first time heartbreak cannot be allowed to throw her life off course.

If she misses too much and has to repeat the year it will not only be expensive but she will be more separated from her support network of friends and coursemates. Definitely get her to speak to uni if you think she needs more time (although sometimes this can make the thought of going back even worse); maybe make arrangements for her to come back weekends for a few weeks or something? You know her best, but it would be a shame for her ex to ruin her degree- glad she has escaped him though, never easy with someone like that.

gosh this doesn't sound like just a normal teenage breakup. People seem to think that just because she's young, the abuse can't really have been that bad. But teenagers can be victims of coercive control as well. If she was 29 years old, would everyone be telling her to just get over it?

This report from 2009/10 says that 16-19 year olds are more likely to be in abusive relationships than other age groups.

As others have said, there's the risk if she goes back to uni right now she'll end up back with him. Sounds like the best thing would be to a) take a break from university for a while -- she can always go back next year, then b) get her to a therapist who has experience working with victims of relationship abuse.

I would be very concerned that sending your dd back too early could potentially be sending her straight back into her ex’s arms! I would contact Woman’s Aid for advice, it’s possible that your dd has been subjected to much worse than emotional abuse and control. She may feel unable to share everything she has been through with you. A counsellor with experience of working with women who have been in domestic abuse situations is needed here.

I know it feels like your dd should just shake herself and get on with life, but your dd is very vulnerable and is clearly struggling with her mental health. I would definitely contact her University and look at taking a leave of absence. Your dd needs to be able to focus on her course which she can’t do if she is in a vulnerable state. She has her whole life to learn! Mental health wellbeing is SO important and would not hesitate AT ALL in suggesting that my dd take a leave of absence.

I would suggest that your dd attend a local freedom program class (Woman’s Aid should have more information). I would also buy your dd the book ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. Right now your dd is vulnerable and could easily end up returning to her ex, or ending up in another abusive relationship. In your shoes, I would rather have my dd build up her self confidence, get mental health support from an experienced counsellor and arm herself with knowledge of the red flags and signs of abusive men.

I think I would encourage her to go back, she could always come home at weekends and it's not long now until the Easter break. I was in a extremely physically and mentally abusive relationship for 2 years, and the only way I freed myself was to force myself back to life. I was in my NQT year as a teacher and getting back to work, seeing people, and reminding myself to enjoy life was integral to my recovery. If I had gone home and hidden away (which I really wanted to do), I would have found it much harder to move on.

She needs to access counselling services at uni and be sure that she is living somewhere safe. Is she in halls or living with friends? Is there anyway you can take leave from work and go and stay with her for a few days and get back into uni life?

Unless you have been in a situation like that it is hard to explain how distressing it is to leave.
She has done so well to break free from him, but I doubt he will just let her go. I would keep her with you, at least until after Easter at the earliest.

The only thing that helped me was travelling. I couldn’t go back to him if I was thousands of miles away. It broke the cycle. Consider taking her or encouraging something like this with friends. I second counselling too.
Her heart is shattered, her trust in herself and others is shattered but she will mend with your help and compassion.

In addition to what I said above, my mental health was then and always has been very precarious, but the best GP I ever had supported me to get back to work and to build my resiluence, albeit with the help of medication.

Where does her ex live?