DD 19 heartbroken- AIBU to send her back to uni?

[WorriedaboutDD19]

DD’s relationship of 5 months ended two weeks ago. He was emotionally abusive, strong armed her into an engagement engagement and then cut her off from her friends. We all saw this happening gradually, me and DH tried to offer advice but ultimately had to wait until she realised for herself. We’ve been there for her these last few weeks, made an effort to spend time with her and have talked about her relationship at length.

Eventually she did- she’s now a complete mess and I don’t know if I’m BU to expect more from her.

He lied, cheated, manipulated. Yet DD genuinely loved him, believed his crazy lies and thought they’d be together in the future. The whole thing shocked me, it was a terrible case of emotional manipulation and I understand she’s heartbroken, anxious and feeling alone. She occasionally still wants to go back to him, luckily she has been strong enough NOT to do that.

She’s been home from uni for two weeks. Her boyfriend was literally with her 24/7 and wouldn’t leave her alone. She now has the dogs on her bed to feel less alone, can’t sleep without the light on, can’t bear to return to uni. She has loads of friends but is continuing to cut them out. She’s fine in the day, but at night she just cries. Says she loves him still, he loves her despite how he treated her and she’s scared she won’t find that again.

She’s gotten a little better gradually but AIBU to tell she HAS to go back to uni? She’s missing out on lectures, etc... and I honestly think having her friends and people her own age will help.

On the other hand, I don’t see how she can be alone at uni when she can’t even bear to sleep without the dogs in her room.

Advice is appreciated! Really at a loss here. I don’t know if it’s just heartbreak or if he’s affected her so much with the emotional abuse she needs professional help. Thank you.

Some people are incredibly stupid. This is NOT just a normal break up after a few months.

This guy has done a right number on her.

She needs her parents, her home, her dogs, her GOOD friends and she needs to be made to feel safe, loved and lovable.

Uni can wait. Speak to them, explain the level of abuse she’s been through - that this isn’t your average teen break up and see what you can organise for her to study at home until at least Easter.

Keep her at home, away from this utter bastard because if she goes back to him the chances of her leaving a second time are virtually nil.

Uni will always be there.

Can you suggest she tries going bac and if it doesn’t work out it’s ok if she comes home again. She might feel better being busy at Uni than at home.

I've had pastoral as well as educational responsibility for my students at university. I'm commenting on the university side mostly.

She probably can intermit her studies for this year, and if she wants to do that, it would be good if she could make contact with university, as soon as possible. The university will have specific procedures to follow, and she ought to find out about this asap.

However, it might be that she just needs a bit of time. In some universities, that is almost trickier, so she should think hard. But, again, if she's feeling hopeless now, the best thing is to contact the university and say so, and many universities will have strategies for helping her to come back after a few days or even weeks.

Or, she could go back, but could (again) let her tutor know this has happened. Her tutor should take this very seriously. It is clearly impacting on her mental and emotional health. The student support team would also be a good port of call. Of course, she may need a lot of support to feel able to approach anyone!

FWIW, if I were her personal tutor and she told me how fragile she was feeling, I would both sympathise wholeheartedly and (after offering out the appropriate counselling, which universities can often provide for free if wanted), I would keep a very close and careful eye on her. It is absolute nonsense to say this is a normal breakup and she should get over it. It sounds bloody horrible.

Where is the vile ex? Is he at uni, or local to home or elsewhere?

I would not send her back until she is ready but speak to uni for advice, with her.

Just a point of protocol - greyhound is absolutely right, but you will find the university can't speak to you directly without a lot of evidence your DD wants that. We aren't allowed to release data about students to other parties (including parents). It's taken very seriously. So, your DD ought to send any emails. If she's really not up to it, it might be worth her emailing and saying (copying you) that she would like the university to deal with you as her proxy. Even so, they may feel nervous of doing so.

I know it sounds strange and cruel in a situation like this, but the law is there to protect people and we can't break it, for good reasons.

My DS1 had a very nasty break up in his second year at uni. His girlfriend broke up with him by text and he was completely shocked, as he thought they were heading towards an engagement. He also contracted glandular fever, which made him much less resilient. He came home while he was ill and then went back to his studies, but he didn't have to see her because he was at a different university.

The problem for my DS - and maybe your DD as well - was that he was so emotionally absorbed in his relationship, he hadn't got any close friends to fall back on. He was also sharing a house with people who were out all the time because they were musicians, so he felt very lonely. Things only really looked up for him when he built some friendships with other single people he knew. He was single himself for a good long time after this relationship.

I think she does need to be in touch with her personal tutor to tell them what's going on and mobilise support for herself. I'd encourage her to try to go back, but don't expect her to bounce back as soon as she gets there. On what you've said, this relationship sounds very unhealthy and she probably needs some help to reflect on that.

Well, I'm going to go against the general opinion and say that what your dd needs is a slap in the face with a wet haddock.

Five months? Five fucking months and she's so totally controlled she can't change a tv channel? Did you raise her to be this way? (I'm expecting a "no" here)

She needs a robust approach here, and a lesson in self respect.

OP, I’ve been in you daughters position, a few years older though. Fact is she needs to make her own decisions now and they will be hard to make. You can’t make her do anything, you need to give her permission to make the decisions herself. She isn’t a child, but she probably doesn’t feel adult either when someone has always made her choices for her. The person who helped me through this most was my older sister, she didn’t tell me what to do but did give me only two options in situations. So it’s going to be either return to uni and get your degree OR stay home and get a job for example. You can choose the conditions but allow her to see the choice as hers

I went through a similar situation in my second year of uni...well not really that similar but...he was a narcissistic bully. He also lived with me in the halls and all his friends were in a way, my friends or rather...The only other ppl around. Half of them were jerks too and the other half, blinded by his charm.

If she goes back, can she be sure she will stay free? These sorts use other ppl to keep tabs on you and try to weasel their way back in...or, destroy what they can't have.

For me, within a month of him being gone, I was over the worst of it. But I knew in my heart that he was rotten and believed it. That is what u need in order to move on. And if she doesn't have that, or if other ppl can convince her that 'maybe you misunderstood him' ect...ect... Then I wouldn't ask her to go back. She should decide when and if she is ready.

If in 5 months he's frightened her enough that choosing a tv channel is traumatic then I'd suggest there's probably more to it than she's told you so far.

Where is the boyfriend?

If night is when she feels the most unsafe then insisting she returns to a place where she's likely to be alone - and therefore vulnerable to him or another predatory male - doesn't strike me as the wisest thing to do.

This is tricky. Depending on her course she might be missing out on some critical material. Referring the year might be an option if she can't catch up when feeling a bit better, but that can have a knock-on impact on friendships and her social circle. If she is struggling emotionally, dropping back a year might be less than ideal if she loses her network of friends at uni.

Could she perhaps go to university and come home at weekends for a bit?

Also, how would this work if it happened in 2 or 3 years time and she had a job? Most employers would expect you to cope or go on sick leave.

Tricky one but can she request a leave of absence from her programme as it doesn’t sound like she is going to be in a great place to study for a while.

I think student services are your first port of call. I had to speak to them last year re DD and we got her to stay in uni by the skin of her teeth but the priority was always her. She made the decision to stay as she knew the routine would help her mental health. She's hanging in there and is back at lectures. It all felt so precarious and I struggled to deal with it all too. Feel free to PM me. I found it terrifying at points so for you OP.

I do think she needs to toughen up OP, emotional abuse is horrible, and your right being there trying to support her. But it was 5 months, far to quick of a relationship for this type of reaction. By pandering to her, your not sending her a good message, she needs to have a good cry, take it on the chin and carry on with her life.

I was going to say tell her to go back and tough it out, having been to university and suffered a very deep depression, I survived although my grades were not good.... However, seeing how fragile she clearly is, I’m not so sure. It sounds as though he’s there and if it were my dd, idk if I’d want her going back at all. If he can have that much of an influence over her in 5 months, he may not let her go without a fight.

Yes, your dd is an adult legally. But she has a long way to go to become a fully fledged one, which happens around mid 20’s when our prefrontal cortex is fully formed.

This sounds like a crazy idea. But if she were to want to go back and complete the year, could you go with her and Airbnb for a while? Potentially out of the question due to finances, work, younger siblings etc.

Otherwise, perhaps she could defer and transfer to another university ideally closer to home and far away from him. Failing that, not studying isn’t the end of the world if she can find a career she’d be happy in.

I think the key is for her to learn to live comfortably in her skin again. So yes, therapy is very much needed imo otherwise how can she prevent the same situation arising again with another man?

I’m not a parent to a child this age so my suggestion to go with her may be well off the mark. But I think she needs a different approach from 99% of her contemporaries.

I'd send her back, wallowing will do her no favours. She'll feel better getting back to normal.

Gosh when you think of other young young people in your wider family/friends circle, how many of them are NOT doing any better than their friends who decided they would choose uni despite not enjoying acamedia life?

Is he at the university, and does he want her back?

If the answer to those questions is yes, then I'd arrange for her to defer a year on mental health grounds, to ensure she's not sucked straight back in.

I expected to tell you to be bracing and send her back, from the thread title. But this isn't just a heartbreak, as almost all suffer. This is an abusive dynamic she's managed to escape from, and my concern would be ensuring she stays free of it.

If he's local to you, or has met some new victim and dumped your girl, then sure, she should return. Otherwise... I'd be cautious.

If her former abuser is at the uni then don't send her back. He will suck her straight back in again and it will be worse than ever.

She needs time away from him, with family support and perhaps counselling. Ignore anyone trying to minimise this and say otherwise. That is utter ignorance.

I’m quite staggered at the amount of comments about her resilience at being broken by someone in “only” five months. There’s no length of time in an abusive relationship that changes how you must react from “dust yourself off and move on” to it being acceptable to struggle.

She’s done incredibly well to walk away from an abusive relationship. That takes time and courage. Not belittling at her suffering “only” having been for five months.

lyralalala:

She’s done incredibly well to walk away from an abusive relationship. That takes time and courage. Not belittling at her suffering “only” having been for five months.

Yes, exactly. She has to find the strength to get over this in her own way.

"Only five months"?? Fuck off! Five months is more than long enough, particularly at that age.

I was in this position at 18 and it had 'only' been three months. Still devastated me. I spent a fortune going home to my mum every weekend for several months to recover. My social life never really DID recover at uni after that. My previous 'friends' abandoned me, I found myself in a house share 45 mins bus ride from uni (London) and it was all pretty awful. I had to build myself back up from the ground up and didn't really enjoy the other three years of my course as a result.

Support your DD, she needs it. She's going to be okay, she just needs time and love.

lyralalala absolutely. I had an abusive relationship that lasted for about two months and it knocked me so severely that I was treated for clinical depression and was negatively affected for well over a decade. Don’t under-estimate how quickly an abuser can undermine your self esteem and confidence.

I think she's better where you can see her at the moment. Suspend her course, and get her some professional help as she's been through a horrendous ordeal. Then you can start to practise some tough love with her. But right now she needs you.

In the state she's in, she's very likely to go back to him.

If he's not at the same uni, send her back. I broke up with my first boyfriend of 2 years at uni, whilst he wasn't abusive - he went off with a friend of a friend in front of me one night. I was heartbroken. It took a while and a lot of heartbreak but I got over it. It made me more resilient in the end.