DD 19 heartbroken- AIBU to send her back to uni?

[WorriedaboutDD19]

DD’s relationship of 5 months ended two weeks ago. He was emotionally abusive, strong armed her into an engagement engagement and then cut her off from her friends. We all saw this happening gradually, me and DH tried to offer advice but ultimately had to wait until she realised for herself. We’ve been there for her these last few weeks, made an effort to spend time with her and have talked about her relationship at length.

Eventually she did- she’s now a complete mess and I don’t know if I’m BU to expect more from her.

He lied, cheated, manipulated. Yet DD genuinely loved him, believed his crazy lies and thought they’d be together in the future. The whole thing shocked me, it was a terrible case of emotional manipulation and I understand she’s heartbroken, anxious and feeling alone. She occasionally still wants to go back to him, luckily she has been strong enough NOT to do that.

She’s been home from uni for two weeks. Her boyfriend was literally with her 24/7 and wouldn’t leave her alone. She now has the dogs on her bed to feel less alone, can’t sleep without the light on, can’t bear to return to uni. She has loads of friends but is continuing to cut them out. She’s fine in the day, but at night she just cries. Says she loves him still, he loves her despite how he treated her and she’s scared she won’t find that again.

She’s gotten a little better gradually but AIBU to tell she HAS to go back to uni? She’s missing out on lectures, etc... and I honestly think having her friends and people her own age will help.

On the other hand, I don’t see how she can be alone at uni when she can’t even bear to sleep without the dogs in her room.

Advice is appreciated! Really at a loss here. I don’t know if it’s just heartbreak or if he’s affected her so much with the emotional abuse she needs professional help. Thank you.

I would encourage her to go back. It sounds a hellish relationship and one day she will realise that and they had barely been together for any length of time. She's only young and this probably won't be the only time she has her heart broken. My daughter's dad died very suddenly before she was due to start her last year of uni and she was utterly heartbroken and devastated. We talked about her deferring but she decided to go back. My heart was breaking for her but when she graduated a year later it was and still is the proudest day of my life.

I would encourage her to go back, but with the support of her Uni's MH services.

She sounds in a right state for a 5-month relationship. And the fact that she became so controlled by him in such a short space of time would make me concerned for her MH anyway. Does she have low self-esteem?

Agree with advice from others about The Freedom Programme so she can learn how to spot red flags and have healthier relationships.

Don't send her back. Honestly. She does not sound to me like she is ready for it yet and the pressure of study might well make it worse. Best to take a LOA than to do badly or fail or simply become overwhelmed and walk away from it all (I've seen many students do this). I suggest she stays home, does the Freedom Program, sees a counsellor and does some work, paid or voluntary. She might even decide to change unis or revaluate a range of things in her life as a result. Most of all she needs to understand what happened to her and why and have some help making sure that the pattern does not repeat itself.

This is really tough. My instinct is to send her back, although I totally see the other side too.

The thing is - if she feels all at sea now, how is she going to feel when she's missed a month of lectures and can't catch up?

She cannot allow this random bloke to fuck up her education, and her life. She needs to find her fucking anger!!

She needs to be sorting this out herself, with support from you. You should not be getting in touch with friends or the uni as others have suggested. She is 19 - you can't 'send her back', she needs to decide to go back and you should be encouraging it.

Suspending your studies for a year is the WORST thing you can do socially. She will disrupt her friendships, and then struggle to find new friendships as when she goes back everyone will already have their groups. Not to mention her confidence will be knocked considerably by being 'out of the loop' for a year. Do not let this happen.

Distract her, encourage her to see her friends as much as possible, let her cry it out. Yes it was painful and a horrible 5 months, but it's just a breakup and she will get over it. Distraction is the best thing possible, wallowing and making overly-dramatic decisions is not helping her.

She needs to back. She needs to pull herself together (sorry). She was with him for 5 months, she over invested in him, things moved too fast and he was a c*nt but it was 5 months. Is she going to let a 5 month relationship effect her education (possibly ruin it)? She needs to go back to uni, hold her head high and concentrate on her future which is a much brighter future without a controlling guy hanging off her.

What a prick her ex is. I hope she remains strong enough to stay away.

She might benefit from some counselling, ideally something trauma informed, because processing what she was going through and the fact she's 'free' now. I'm so sorry she's struggling, this bloke had managed to totally erode her self worth and self confidence, rebuilding that will take some time. Is he at the same uni, is that how they met? I'd be worried about her going back to that same environment feeling vulnerable whereby its easier to let him back in. I think YABU (in the nicest way) if you 'make' her go back when she's not ready. The last thing you want is her going back to him.

I would be encouraging/expecting her to go back.

Study will help her, her friends will help her. The longer she stays away, the more daunting it will get.

Could you go with her for a while?

Hell would freeze over before I sent my DD back to face him again (assuming he's at Uni with her, hence the level of control).

She needs help - professional. Now maybe Uni can provide it, but you need to find out. She needs to be strong enough to stand on her own two feet, which she clearly isn't.

Education can be done anytime, getting her MH issues sorted is your priority.

It's terrifying that someone can become so broken down & dependant so quickly.

She has been through a trauma. She has been controlled and manipulated in such a way that she probably doesn’t even know who she is anymore. Sure she’s grieving the relationship but she’s also looking back and thinking about how it got to this point and blaming herself.

She needs time to find herself again and readjust her vision of her future. The fact she didn’t even know how to choose a tv programme shows how deeply controlled she was and he has made her reliant on him for the simplest of things.

She needs some counselling, the freedom programme and she needs a self esteem boost.

I’m so glad she got out and she’s talking to her parents. Encourage and guide her but please don’t push her or make her feel she has No control over her life. She’s already feeling vulnerable and out of control.

I have tied to find this info on the thread - but where does he live? Near you? - or is he a fellow uni student?

She is an adult so you cannot decide to send her back to uni; you can only discuss with her the possibilities in each decision and way forward and leave her to make those decisions herself.

Talk in detail to her about some of the options (lots of ideas on the thread) and support her to make the right decision for her.

She has been through a tough time and this my be a positive opportunity for her to learn how you deal with big obstacles in life - there will assuredly be more to come.

I do feel for you though - all my DDs made good partner choices, but I often reflect on how we would have coped if one of them had picked a wrong'un. Be there for her - but not directing her. Just walk beside her.

How well do you know her friends in uni? The ones she lives with? Well enough to speak to them and let them know what’s been happening and build her support network?

If you or your DH can get time off work, I'd go back with her for a week or so. I think sometimes you just need to get back on familiar ground and get back in the swing of things.

I haven't read the whole thread, but these are my thoughts.

As a starter, in the very short term I would keep her at home, don't send her back. Aside from it only being a shortish relationship, it sounds like she's in a bit of a mess and will be very vulnerable. I would be worried about her mental health and self harm/suicide risk even if she was to be 'sent back'. I'm not convinced only being around others her age is the best idea. Are any of them really going to notice and help if she gets worse?

Where is this ex boyfriend now? How close is he to her course/university? If he poses a risk, this needs to be considered too.

I'd also contact the uni to find out what her options are re: taking leave. One option could be to take a break until Easter, but if she needs longer than that, then she could be getting into the realms of having to repeat a year. Given how awful this relationship was, have her grades suffered this year already? Has she got poor exam results that will affect her overall degree mark? What are the financial implications? Is she fully/partial funding her studies? What will that mean in the longer term for her?

Once you have the options in front of you, you both need to have a frank conversation about the situation. If she was to repeat a year, this will be majorly disruptive to her friendship groups, but really, what does she think will be the best? She is 19 and needs to take some responsibility and ownership in the decision making too.

Personally, I had a terrible time at uni many years ago, being stuck in an abusive relationship but unable to do anything about it as I'd cut my family off. I had no choice but to pull myself together, get to the end of my degree and leave. Looking back I should have sought more assistance from the university and I'm sure there are many routes to getting help.

I would encourage her to go back. Keep in contact a lot so she knows you are behind her and she’s not on her own with this but life gets hard at times, really hard and sometimes we need to work on our resilience rather than retreating to our comfort zones. My DD went through hell at uni - bereavement, our divorce, diagnosis with immune system illness and stayed on at uni throughout it all. She has had to be so strong and in being strong when you least feel it, I think you can become strong. Obviously serious mental or physical illness should be treated seriously and appropriately (and I do think she needed more support than she thought she did), but I think I’d want to get the idea through to DD that this shitty man has taken enough from her over the last 5 months and he should be given the power to take anything else (ie her uni course). She needs to know she can get through this. That you trust her to get through it . By encouraging her to stay home it could give her the idea that you don’t trust that she can start to put this behind her and get on with her course?

Don't send her back if he is there. She's not strong enough to be where he is and not be convinced to go back to him.

This happened to a friend of mine in her first year. Her parents forced her to go back, she ended up having a breakdown of sorts (attempted suicide (I found her) and locked herself in the uni bathroom screaming so much I called the police - mental health team didn't do a thing as it was deemed just a reaction to a breakup) and she still suffers the effects from it twenty five years later. And yes they were only together for a few months, she was 18 and left him start of February and her family after allowing her home for reading week told her she was a grown up and to sort herself out. The fact is he was very abusive. It took so much courage and strength to leave she had none left to cope with the aftermath, she knew she needed to do so quite quickly but didn't know how to do so. Uni services were useless and gave her a book on self esteem.

It was horrendous to see and still is. She still thinks everyone is going to hurt her, and I mean everyone and they're out to get her. She's had many many relationships and she always ends up cheating on them "before they get her".

It is very very sad.

Yes she's had a lot of therapy and is medicated.

The tough love approach needs to be considered very, very carefully. I know her parents regret taking that route with her. She needed time and support and the therapy then for what's happening now to be avoided. This is not a simple teenage breakup situation.

I also saw it happen as a tutor, I wouldn't say it's common, it isn't but it does happen. I'd like to think there's more support now but honestly I'd not risk it.

Those commenting on her friends you've no idea what happened there, my friend never got her friends back no matter how hard she tried because of how they were treated by her and him and she felt so ashamed at how she'd been duped by him. They moved on quickly into other circles as happens at uni. Yes I'm still her friend, literally the only one from those days who kept in contact no one else did.

Practically she's got options with the uni, but she needs to be able to discuss it which she possibly cannot do. Perhaps you could get her tutors details and ask them to make contact with her. They need to know.

Basically you know your daughter better than a load of randoms on MN. I urge you to be guided by her and your gut and be aware "tough love" can have consequences as much as being "too soft". This isn't a normal teen breakup.

I am shocked that in 5 short months that he managed to take over her whole life to such an extent. Was it her first relationship, does she know what a healthy relationship looks like? I am torn on this one, we all react differently to breakup's and yes it is hard, but by getting on with life and continuing with routine we pick ourselves up and get on with life and gradually move on. Only you know your daughter and what is best for her, but it would be a shame to lose an academic year over this.

Opps that was meant to be a PM. apologies for length!

Was he at uni with her?

Whether he was at uni with her or not isn't really the point. He knew where she was living and can easily get into contact with her again if he wants to do so. The situation with my friend he wasn't at uni but lived locally.

(Sorry if that’s already been answered, but I can’t find it).

Would Women's Aid have anyone she could speak to. I would feel that talking to someone who has had a similar experience would be a good way to go or a counsellor who understands. Opening up about EVErything to someone safe is normally a great relief when you're under great stress.

Please refer her to a therapist or counsellor in the area. Also contact the university to explain what has happened. Mental health problems are always serious. Once she is in a better place mentally she can return to her studies.