To be upset over DP's friends comments.

[GracieEllis19]

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

You think your DP lives you and possibly it is mutual but he respects his relationship with his friends more than his one with you. It is sad for you but he should be disgusted by their attitudes and he isn't .

Come back and tell us how you are OP. I think you're right to lose this loser. I remember my EX-h - the last summer we were together - we had a baby 11mths, and I was at my heaviest - we went on hol to menorca. I had some new clothes, and was feeling really happy in myself. And he said to me that I was the fattest person on the island... It spoilt the holiday and he didnt really apologise - just said he said it to "motivate" me. I never got over it and we split up 3 months later. I couldnt get it out of my head. I think you're right. You just dont need this kind of shit in your life. There are lots of genuine guys out there - ok I havent found one yet lol - but they do exist, and tbh you will be happier on your own than without this weak loser. JMO>

Its just banter...?
So it's ok to slag off his partner as long as it's a joke...?
My DH wouldn't tolerate that from his mates, he's tell them to cut it out and if they did it again then he'd cut them out.
Don't back down! What a bunch of pricks!

Yes do discuss it with him, give your partner an ultimatum, either you or his friends. The answer will say it all!

So the only two times these stupid fuckwits have made comments are the two times your DP has asked you to do something to his phone meaning you'd see them? Nah. Not buying it.

I'm glad you're out of it - next time find someone that's going to have your back.

Jwwz OP, that bad. Your DP isn't doing anywhere near enough to stop it. For context my DS, who was 19 at the time dumped his best pal, who he had been friends with since Primary, went to secondary school with, had their first holiday abroad with out parents and other milestons, because the pal kept saying that DS could do better than the 'elephant in a tutu' He was warned to stop many times, each time getting more vocal about it until it happened the about the 5th time when DS said to him no more.
It took 3 years for the lads to become friends and that was only because the mate admitted he had been an immature twat.
DS never told his gf, rightly or wrongly, because he didn't want to hurt her feelings and also that a friend of both of them would think that .

Good luck OP, you deserve someone who worships the ground you walk on.

You do know that any weight you now loose will make the ‘friends’ think it’s because of them.

^^

Seriously? Who gives a flying feck what they think?

"I don't think there's any need to judge these women or to triumph over them. They're not the problem - their boyfriends are. The boyfriends are tossers and I'd feel sorry for anyone in a relationship with them."

I wasn't judging the women. I was judging the men. I shouldn't have used "stick thin" reading it again. I used flippant language just trying to make the OP feel better. My bad.

My point was that if the men feel able to be so cruel about someone else's weight, they have a pretty shallow way of viewing others and their own girlfriends may not always be that way. I feel sorry for those girlfriends. If they've seen those messages or heard those comments, imagine the pressure they are under to stay slim.

I couldn’t stay with someone so spineless that they wouldn’t stand up for me or someone who would continue to be friends with cunts like them. You deserve a lot better than this. Also, not that it matters, but 14/16 is hardly massive!

I am sorry you've had this to deal with OP, your thread has prayed on my mind this afternoon.

I'm older than you so I've seen my friends and people I knew get married, have children and I've watched the children grow up. In each case I saw where it didn't work out, it was because the male half of the partnership was an immature manchild who couldn't do grown up, so the wife had to carry all the mental load and do all the parenting for two of them. That's incredibly wearing and frustrating in the long term.

I know you must be feeling very upset now, but honestly, if he can't do grown up and have grown up friends you've had a very lucky escape.

You sound lovely. Go out there and find someone who thinks you're lovely and who is lovely to you. Well done and good luck. 💐

All kinds of wrong going on. His mates make fun of you on a group chat calling you a whale...

a. 14-16 is not big
b. They sound very immature and nasty to make fun and belittle you regardless of your weight whether you're size 8 or size 28.
c. Your partner is still part of the group. He's said enough is enough and they've carried on regardless. Would you stay with your mates if they were having group chats talking about your partners unibrow or hairy hands or bald head... ?
d. You joked about sticking with SW and shaking your skinny ass at them... why? Lose weight for yourself. Losing weight to stop his mates from talking smack about you merely concedes to their group mentality of what's acceptable, and they are the ones who sound thicker than a whale sandwich.

Try and be happy in your own skin - do you really want or need their approval? What would you be telling your best mate if they were the subject of their ridicule. Would you really be telling them to lose weight so they'd leave her alone?
e. They sound like they enjoy using you as the scapegoat for their own insecurities. So long as everyone is laughing at you, the attention is deflected from their inadequacies.
f. Lose weight and they'd still probably find something else to pull you apart for.

I can't see how you can live with this. Every time you see them you'd be wondering what they've said about you or will say. And maybe they laugh with their GFs as well. It would make me paranoid. I'd feel like i was the butt of the jokes and the only one not in the loop regarding what was being said about me.

And your partner knows they're all laughing at you. And he's hardly a force of nature trying to stop them. I'm mean, by heck he'd take his belt off to them and his trousers would fall down.

He's going along with it at some level because he wants you to compromise yourself by inviting his bunch of charm school graduates to your wedding, where they will find more opportunities to rip it out of you. Your special day where you've dressed up and want the people you love and care for to see you looking special and beautiful on what should be one of the happiest days of your life.

That he thinks it's okay for you to be an object of ridicule and invite them to the wedding speaks volumes about him.

Add if you got pregnant and had a baby - would it be okay for them to ruin the joy of it all by taking the piss about your weight and maybe even taking the piss out of your baby?

Your partner is not a strong man who will will take your side and defend you. I couldn't be with a wet willy wanker like him.

Up to you. His nasty mates aren't going anywhere in a hurry. Even if you don't get to see any more comments on group chat, you'll wonder, anyway. That bunch of worms is out and will live in your head.

I just don't see how you can live with it.

I am sorry you've had this to deal with OP, your thread has prayed on my mind this afternoon

And mine, don't conceive with this man please.

Your DP is a dick. Why on earth would anyone want to hang out with people who they knew were actively making fun of them. I think you need to make a choice whether you reap want to stick with DP based on his actions

I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it.
OH, so it's ok for his 'friends' to rubbish you behind your back. It's only a problem if you find out? This is the argument men use when being unfaithful or breaking the law. It's only a problem if they get caught.

Why on earth would he think you want to spend time with them? To give them more rubbish to talk about?

This is so, so disrespectful of your DP. By not dropping them, he's condoning their behaviour.

To be clear - saying I don't know how you can live with it - I don't mean anything dark or sinister! I mean I don't know how you can put up with it.

people are saying "end the relationship" like it's easy. As long as your DP is not making jokes about you, I think you will need to stand your ground about him putting those friends at arm's length as they clearly don't respect you enough. You will have to fight it out if necessary, if possible, let him see what the effect of their actions is causing emotionally. My DH used to have some irritant friends with loud mouths but he has learnt to put them at a distance. If they ask him why he's pulling back, he NEEDS to let them know that he will NOT tolerate any form of abuse towards you.

I do hope you stick to your guns at least.

This man has clearly been allowing them to pick on you for years (why would it have started just as you found out, you've always been the same size to them) and has stuck by them as they do this.

You need someone who respects you enough to not tolerate this kind of thing, 100%.

@Bobbycat121
I’m not overweight but I don’t think it’s acceptable targeting someone based on that.
Also his friends are not being cruel to him but to his DP.

besides YOU ARE NOT BIG. ugh. :/

*halfwitpicker

You do know that any weight you now loose will make the ‘friends’ think it’s because of them.

Seriously? Who gives a flying feck what they think?*

Because OP put a post on saying that she would show them/get revenge by losing weight.
I was replying to that comment saying it wouldn’t prove them wrong it would only make them think they had power over the OP and were ultimately able to change her behaviour etc.

Obviously the OP should do whatever makes her happy be that losing weight or staying as she is.

Perhaps if you read the whole of my posts next time.

I think you're making the right decision. You don't need such negativity in your life. Somewhere there is a man who will value you the way you deserve to be valued.

Best of luck!

Good luck OP. They sound shitty, the whole lot of them.

Replace lad banter with misogony. Thats what it is.

I've never wanted a post to be a troll more than I hope this one is.