Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset over DP's friends comments.

330 replies

GracieEllis19 · 18/02/2019 10:33

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

OP posts:
BellatrixLeStrangest · 18/02/2019 14:49

Good on you OP. I'd be telling your "D" P exactly the reasons why as well. His friends sound like a bunch of immature arseholes. I couldn't imagine talking about someone's DP like this. It's bullying and quite frankly I hope their girlfriends dump them and their penises wither and fall off.

lmusic87 · 18/02/2019 14:49

Good Luck Op xxx

MetalMidget · 18/02/2019 14:51

Echoing others, you're right to ditch your partner as he clearly values his shitty friends over you. A decent partner would drop any 'friends' who mocked his other half in such a cruel way once, never mind repeatedly.

Alexandra2018 · 18/02/2019 14:52

They are fucking vile!
He needs to leave the chat they are pricks and so is he for continuing to be friends with them! Why on earth would you want to socialise with them? He needs some new mates and to tell them to fuck off

CoiledLocks · 18/02/2019 14:55

Good for you op. You'll be grand.

Blackbear10 · 18/02/2019 14:56

Oh OP I’m so sorry you are going through this! Flowers

His ‘friends’ obviously think it’s ok to call you such horrible things or they wouldn’t do it so your partner must at least allow it most of the time (and I imagine probably joins in occasionally)

Honestly if it was my friends and my DH I would absolutely dump my friends and I’m 100% sure DH would also.

You do know that any weight you now loose will make the ‘friends’ think it’s because of them.

Your best revenge is to find a new man that loves and respects you. No decent partner would allow his friends to speak about you in that way.

BettyUnderswoob · 18/02/2019 14:58

And I'm sorry to say it, but your DP does NOT adore you.

But I'm sure you'll find somebody who will.
Good luck, OP.

StormTreader · 18/02/2019 15:00

Would it not be worth at least telling him you are at the point of leaving over this and why?
He's clearly been too weak to stand up on your behalf like he should have, but if the rest of the relationship is great then I'd want to give him one "I'm not tolerating this any more, either you're on my side or you're not" come to jesus talk before jacking the whole thing in.

Wedgiecar58 · 18/02/2019 15:01

He ditches them, or you ditch him.

If he loved and respected you, he wouldn't tolerate this, especially from his so-called mates.

Hittapotamus · 18/02/2019 15:01

It's going to be hard but you're worth so much more than that. He weakly pulled them up on it, you strongly pulled them up on it and they STILL did it again. If they aren't going to change and DP isn't going to change then the only thing left to change is yourself by getting out of the relationship. Well done for making the brave choice.

theharlotletter · 18/02/2019 15:08

These aren't real friends at all because true friends, or even just polite acquaintances for that matter, don't say these sort of terrible things. It's obvious to me that these idiots have no respect for your DP and that's because he appears to be completely spineless. He might be lovely in his way but he sounds very weak and ineffectual and in time I think you will also lose respect for him.

For the record I had a good and long term friend who took an irrational dislike to my DP (now DH) and she never missed an opportunity to criticise him. I tolerated it for a while but in the end I finished the friendship because DP was my priority and was very deserving of my loyalty.

AgathaF · 18/02/2019 15:09

What awful, awful friends he has.

I'm glad you're leaving. Hopefully he'll realise what a lovely person and partner he has just lost.

lotusbell · 18/02/2019 15:09

Am I the only one who thinks DP is actually setting the OP to see these messages? Ie hoping it'll prompt her to do something about her weight, more than she already is doing? Seems odd to me that he would actively ask her to check his phone and coincidently these messages pop up when she is doing. Just imo!

Lovemusic33 · 18/02/2019 15:10

Well done OP, your dp (now ex) and his mates sound horrible, he can’t control what they’re hey say but he can control who he is friends with but he has chose not too. You deserve better. A size 14/16 is not huge, it’s pretty average, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Spudlet · 18/02/2019 15:11

Am I the only one who thinks DP is actually setting the OP to see these messages? Ie hoping it'll prompt her to do something about her weight, more than she already is doing?

Well, if that is indeed h case then it's working out beautifully, because the op is about to shed 11 or 12 stone of deadweight all in one go...

You deserve better, op. Hope you find it. Flowers

downcasteyes · 18/02/2019 15:15

You're doing the right thing. This is unjustifiably hurtful and childish behaviour, and he has absolutely not gone far enough in addressing it. Someone who can think that misogyny like this is 'just bantz' is beneath you.

The only person who should feel undignified and ashamed is them, OP.

Burlea · 18/02/2019 15:16

I'm so sorry for you, your partner not sticking up for you is a big betrayal. His friends are being cruel over your weight, what happens when you loose the weight will they then start about your hair, height etc what if you have a child and that child is not perfect in there eyes.
It will show how your partner acts tonight when you tell him your leaving.
Good luck in your life, you deserve better than you've been treated.

Sciurus83 · 18/02/2019 15:18

I'm so pleased you are leaving, you deserve so much better than this. This isn't normal behaviour, you don't have to put up with it. Flowers

LagunaBubbles · 18/02/2019 15:19

Good luck

cordeliavorkosigan · 18/02/2019 15:23

Good for you op!
I also think there’s a real misogyny here. The subtext is that like a shirt or car , the women are then mens’ property and it’s ok to poke fun as the woman’s appearance shows the status of the man. Like women are not actually people.
And of course it also shows that your h buys into this and thinks it’s ok and funny. As well as all the stuff pp said!

Tistheseason17 · 18/02/2019 15:27

I don't think you should leave him, OP.

I actually think that one of his friends is very jealous of him and your relationship with him and is going on and on about it to try and split you up so he does not feel inadequate around your DP.

Why else would they keep going back to the topic when asked not to? Think about it logically.

DO NOT WALK OUT WITHOUT DISCUSSING THIS PROPERLY - Everything else you have said sounds lovely for you and him. Don't let a jealous 3rd party or even people you do not know on MN push you into actions you do not need to take.

I'm not saying you won't need to in the future but lest haste and more speed in the right discussions.

GabriellaMontez · 18/02/2019 15:32

If he was bothered he'd have left the thread or blocked the sender.

BettyUnderswoob · 18/02/2019 15:34

Everything else you have said sounds lovely for you and him

You have completely overlooked the fact that the DP here refuses to quell this nastiness, and actually expects the OP to socialize with these people and have them in her home. He's weak and disloyal.

RiverTam · 18/02/2019 15:34

Tis this man is happy for his mates to repeatedly diss his DP based on her weight without standing up to them and dismisses it as banter.

It's not about the mates, it's about this man failing to be a man.

honeyrider · 18/02/2019 15:38

As bad as his friends are your DP's behaviour and attitude is worse. He has no respect for you and I too think he contrived both situations for you to see the vile comments and I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to split up but is going along with the vile comments hoping you'll be the one to end things.

Either way you're doing the right thing to leave him.