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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why the man always expected to

107 replies

pancakesareyum · 17/02/2019 17:51

Move out when a marriage breaks down?
My friend (who is the wife in this situation) has decided that she no longer loves her husband. They've been stuck in a Rut for a while, no others parties involved. They've been together 20yrs (school sweethearts) have 3 DC age 10 , 7 and 3
Her husband is devastated. She expects him to move out and still fully financially support all of them. She works PT by choice (could work FT). He's now 40 and back in his parents box room.

I know she's my friend and I have to be on her side, but I just wonder how fair this is on her husband, and when I think about it, when a relationship breaks down it always seems to be the man who is expected to move out.

I've NC as outing but am old Mn ... snapped and farted was one of my fav threads!!

OP posts:
Bambamber · 17/02/2019 17:53

Well assuming she is going to t
Be the pro.ary caregiver for the children, it means they children don't have to be uprooted from their home. It's easier for a single man to find somewhere comfortable to stay at short notice, than a single woman with 3 children.

If the father was going to be the primary caregiver, I would expect him to be staying in the house with the children

Mmmhmmm · 17/02/2019 17:53

Because she's likely the main carer of their 3 children...isn't that obvious??? Should they all be in a box room instead? Confused

Bambamber · 17/02/2019 17:53

*primary caregiver

dementedpixie · 17/02/2019 17:53

It will be because she has the children to look after I presume. Or do you think she should ship them all out to find somewhere else to live?

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2019 17:54

Presumably because he works full time and can't look after the 3 year old?

Sirzy · 17/02/2019 17:55

When there are kids involved then I think where possible the primary care giver staying in the house is the best outcome

That said expecting the “funding” to stay the same is wrong. She has to take some responsibility for that side of things and he needs to sort things to get a sensible maintainece package in place

gamerwidow · 17/02/2019 17:55

It’s about causing the least disruption for the children when a marriage breaks down. Usually the woman is the primary caregiver so keeps the house at least initially. Depending on the circumstances that house might be sold later with each partner getting a split and starting again.

Vulpine · 17/02/2019 17:56

If he doesnt want to leave, it doesn't seem fair no. And like you say she chose pt work. Why can't he stay in the house and she go out and get a ft job?

Arnoldthecat · 17/02/2019 17:57

Often the man has to move out to make way for his replacement..

ILoveMaxiBondi · 17/02/2019 17:57

It’s the children that stay in the house and whoever is the primary caregiver stays with them. It makes sense surely? Normally the woman is the SAHP or PT worker. Blame the patriarchy for that OP.

DoneLikeAKipper · 17/02/2019 17:58

So you expect her and the three young children to move out of the family home to what? Go live in her parents box room? Then raise the children on her part-time wage (or go full time and also try and pay for childcare)? Don’t be ridiculous. It’s sad the marriage has broken down, but it is definitely sensible for the primary caregiver to keep the house and for the non-residential parent to keep paying towards the family.

Oh, and I also don’t get/believe someone isn’t a goady fucker or troll because they can list off other troll threads in their opening post.

reluctantbrit · 17/02/2019 17:58

I would expect that in the majority of cases the wife will be the residential parent, at least until everything is sorted, and that means the children keep their home. Or do you expect that the wife and, in this case, 3 children should move?

Unless there is a clear I dictation that the father will be the resident parent I think it is fair to say he moves out first until a permanent solution is found.

SparklySneakers · 17/02/2019 17:59

Try asking this the other way round: why is it usually the woman who is expected to be primary caregiver in relationships break ups and do all the childcare, school runs, doctor and dentist appointments etc while the man gets to swan off and relinquish his parenting responsibilities?

SpamChaudFroid · 17/02/2019 17:59

I think it's because the children should stay in the family home. Who will be primary carer?

JacquesHammer · 17/02/2019 17:59

Because it is usually the least disruptive course of action for the children.

formerbabe · 17/02/2019 18:02

Because women are usually the primary caregivers and the children are more in need of a stable, familiar home than a single, grown man.

I'm surprised you need to ask Confused

Bobbycat121 · 17/02/2019 18:03

Were you looking for a different reason other than because of the children? I mean its obvious surely

formerbabe · 17/02/2019 18:03

Often the man has to move out to make way for his replacement

Yeah that's totally the reason. Poor menz

hazell42 · 17/02/2019 18:04

After my 1st marriage broke down, I left with 2 kids. After my 2nd marriage broke down I stayed In the house but it was a rented house in my name only and I was paying the rent.
If they are getting divorced they will eventually sell the house and split the proceeds. Fault has got nothing to do with it.it doesn't matter whose idea it was or how upset he is.

Original poster
pancakesareyum · 17/02/2019 18:07

I don't think it's goofy at all. It's a genuine question. They were together over 10 years before children, he always worked full time and supposed her through higher education. He wants her to go to her parents every other week so he can be the primary care giver and share custody. She doesn't want this. It seems very one sided and I'm having to bite my tongue with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
pancakesareyum · 17/02/2019 18:09

Bloody autocorrect.. goady not goofy... supported her through uni

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 17/02/2019 18:09

he always worked full time and supposed her through higher education

And I’m presuming her PT working means she has the bulk parenting role enabling him to work full time...

He wants her to go to her parents every other week so he can be the primary care giver and share custody. She doesn't want this

I wouldn’t want that, that’s incredibly disruptive for the children. He needs to have the children on a properly sorted contact schedule at his place/parents.

Original poster
pancakesareyum · 17/02/2019 18:11

But how is he supposed to afford to still pay the mortgage and bills on one house and set up from new as well... he would never not support the family , I just think he's got the shit end of the deal here when he didn't want any of this

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 17/02/2019 18:12

But how is he supposed to afford to still pay the mortgage and bills on one house and set up from new as well... he would never not support the family , I just think he's got the shit end of the deal here when he didn't want any of this

He moves out. He pays a decent amount of maintenance, she claims what she’s entitled to.

Gth1234 · 17/02/2019 18:13

That's man's lot in life. women want equality, until they don't.

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