To wonder why the man always expected to

[pancakesareyum]

Move out when a marriage breaks down?
My friend (who is the wife in this situation) has decided that she no longer loves her husband. They've been stuck in a Rut for a while, no others parties involved. They've been together 20yrs (school sweethearts) have 3 DC age 10 , 7 and 3
Her husband is devastated. She expects him to move out and still fully financially support all of them. She works PT by choice (could work FT). He's now 40 and back in his parents box room.

I know she's my friend and I have to be on her side, but I just wonder how fair this is on her husband, and when I think about it, when a relationship breaks down it always seems to be the man who is expected to move out.

I've NC as outing but am old Mn ... snapped and farted was one of my fav threads!!

That's man's lot in life. women want equality, until they don't

Oh don’t talk such utter tosh

Consistency for the children of course. I have to say I think very highly of a parent (it can be either depending on who generally does the most day to day care) who'd move out with no fuss so the children can remain in the family home. Unlike my own waste of space father who kicked my mum and baby me out on the streets to move his ow in.

@Vulpine exact.., that's what he wants but she refuses to see it like that

The youngest child isn't school age and with 3 children all under secondary school age, then your female friend cannot be expected to work FT.

Also if her husband wasn't pulling his weight around the house particularly helping with the children even though he worked FT by doing things such as e.g. night feeds, doing the school run, then unfortunately they are more likely to split up.

But how is he supposed to afford to still pay the mortgage and bills on one house and set up from new as well
That’s not the way it works. He will have to pay a fair amount of maintemance but responsibility for the bills and mortgage payments now belongs to his wife. If she can’t afford to keep the house she’ll have to move.

@JacquesHammer how is it more disruptive than shared custody where the children are shipped between 2 houses every week? The children get to stay in one home, at least until financially the parents can afford to have two separate homes set up

How would his plan actually work though? He'd work ft alternate weeks then pt the others? 9-6 (or whatever)one week, then 9.30-2.45 the next? She has compromised her career to take care of their dc, that's why she stays in the house.

It must be very difficult emotionally but I think, if you can take it, staying in the family home is the best option.

Rather than moving out as this man has done I mean.

You have no idea what happens in their marriage
She may be sick of carrying an extra person who contributes nothing
She may be part time but contributes to housework and childcare
He could’ve at any time swaped roles and she work full time - he didn’t

Do you think she should limp on because it’s not what he wants?

how is it more disruptive than shared custody where the children are shipped between 2 houses every week? The children get to stay in one home, at least until financially the parents can afford to have two separate homes set up

Because the children won’t have a clue whether they’re coming or going. With an amicable split, handled well the children will understand fully they have two homes. Not “this is mummy’s house for 3 days and then she moves out whilst it’s daddy’s”.

Was he doing 50% childcare before they split?
I don't think his ex remaining in the home indefinitely and certainly not him paying for it all indefinitely is the way. But until the children have had some time to adjust and the parents can sit down and sort long term plans out, I think it's the right thing to do. His long has he been moved out?

I don't work and my husband supported me through higher education. I'm now a SAHM. If we split up for any reason then he will move out and I'll stay in the house with the kids.

He wants her to go to her parents every other week so he can be the primary care giver and share custody

With such little common sense and lack of insight on how best to keep things sensible until future plans are made, I have little surprise she’s kicked him out. Must have driven her mad over the years if this is his logic.

You don’t sound a very sensible or supportive friend either.

@Morgan12 then you will have the responsibility of getting a job and paying the mortgage and bills. Then once the youngest kid reaches 7 you will be expected to work FT.

As spousal maintenance is getting rarer and the term being limited plus child maintenance is SFA in most cases, if you cannot afford the mortgage and bills on your own then you will have to down size.

Where there are no children involved it is normal to sell the house if they have bought one together. Or one of them to take on the rent of where they are living and the other move out. So no, no one expects the man to always move out.

When there are children involved, the courts nearly always say that if at all possible, the children should stay in the family home. So your OP should actually be:
Why should it always be the parent who is not caring for the children full time who has to move out?
And the answer to that question is bloody obvious.

I think, these days, doesn't he only have to pay for the kids. Not their mother?

I'm just trying to say that it is typical that the man has to move when it's not his choice. I don't claim to have a perfect relationship and I've always been primary care giver to our DC while DH worked, I was PT for a few years. I just can't imagine that if I kicked out DH I'd assume he was still going to pay everything if we were agreeing on 50 50 custody.
I think this could have been a sensible conversation thread but too many jumping in without considering both sides. That's all I'm asking, yes I'm get the primary care giver stays at home with the kids , but sometimes the fact that the woman has ended up the primary care giver wasn't a choice for the man either. Forget it. Should have known it was too much to expect an adult conversation on here.

He moves out. He pays a decent amount of maintenance, she claims what she’s entitled to.

... and she goes back to work full time. While he makes sure that he can step up to the plate and care for the children half of the time. Imagine that?

You seem very concerned about your friends husband, maybe you were hoping she’d move out and make room for you? you could just support your friend and her children in this difficult time and realise that the children need a home and security at a time when their lives are changing forever. I’m sure they will all have a lot of adapting to.

It's not about what is fair to the parents.

Doesn't matter who chose to do what or who supported who through whatever....

It's about the children. Main care giver stays in main home with the kids.

I just can't imagine that if I kicked out DH I'd assume he was still going to pay everything if we were agreeing on 50 50 custody
Not one person has said this. If they are doing true 50/50 custody then he wouldn’t be paying maintenance at all. If she is doing more over nights than him then he will pay her some amount of maintenance.

Typical to what Op? I know men who won't or don't move out, who insist on the house selling and profits splitting.
You haven't said how long they've been living apart. If he was doing 50% childcare before the split.

As others have said, he won't be expected to pay for the house long term. He needs to see a solicitor to sort the practicalities out. But I don't know any separated couples where the man pays the full cost of the ex wife's house, except one very, very wealthy dad of a school friend. But in that case the house was mortgage free and part of a pretty huge divorce settlement she got.

OP your post could have easily been written about me. I stopped loving my dh, asked him to leave and he ended up in a B&B. I didn’t take the decision lightly, it took me years to pluck up the courage to do it, he was financially and emotionally abusive but people on the outside (like you) didn’t see that side of him, I wasn’t working because he didn’t allow me to work, I looked after our children, he did nothing with them. I felt guilty but it was the right thing to do. I didn’t chuck him out to make way for anyone else, it’s almost 3 years ago and I’m still single. I now work and get hardly any money from him to support his children.

YABU as you don’t know what was going on, what she had to put up with. You can’t expect someone to stay with someone because of the kids or because they have no where to go.

The kids stay in their home with whomever is best placed to care for them. As the primary carer/part time worker that is her, logically. How else would it work? They go to childcare alternate weeks while the house is daddy's?