To wonder why the man always expected to

[pancakesareyum]

Move out when a marriage breaks down?
My friend (who is the wife in this situation) has decided that she no longer loves her husband. They've been stuck in a Rut for a while, no others parties involved. They've been together 20yrs (school sweethearts) have 3 DC age 10 , 7 and 3
Her husband is devastated. She expects him to move out and still fully financially support all of them. She works PT by choice (could work FT). He's now 40 and back in his parents box room.

I know she's my friend and I have to be on her side, but I just wonder how fair this is on her husband, and when I think about it, when a relationship breaks down it always seems to be the man who is expected to move out.

I've NC as outing but am old Mn ... snapped and farted was one of my fav threads!!

Of the couples I know who have split after long term...

Couple A - Mortgage no kids, she left him for DV and he has stayed in the house. (Man stayed)

Couple B - Mortgage two secondary aged kids, she threw him out for big gambling problems, she was primary carer working FT and had money to pay the bills, he had no money and moved home to his mums.

Couple C - Mortgage 3 school aged kids, she was having an affair and left him. He stayed in the family home and worked FT raising the 3 kids while she swanned off with her new boyfriend.

If it was us (mortgage and school aged kids, both work FT, but I, the wife am still Primary carer) .... I would move out with kids to my parents as he wouldn't have anywhere else to go easily.... house would eventually be sold and he could do with his share what he pleases but my parents have the room and are local so would be the most sensible option.

I don't think it's as simple as the woman always stays, I think it just often makes more sense.

Ah yes... with kids I voiced I can understand the assumption that husband will move out.

However, my mum moved when parents split. Domestic violence involved and my 'D'F was a bastard in that regard (actually in many regards).

I left my partner after 10 years. I left the house. It was in his name and I never paid towards the mortgage (though one could argue the rent I paid was a contribution but that's neither here nor there now). It seemed like the easiest thing to do given that I wanted to run like hell.

Of course it isn't fair. He 100% should not have to move out anymore than she should - assuming house is jointly owned. I do feel sorry for men getting the shit end of the deal in these situations.

I think your setup is rather unusual, can't, yes. I know plenty of couples (including mine) with involved fathers but not one single one where the bloke genuinely takes responsibility for 50% of the domestic stuff including realising what has to be done. Not even in the couples where the woman has the more demanding/higher paid job. I always notice such a huge difference when I take a trip with a female friend.

@cantbeb0thered the "primary caregiver" phrase just refers to who physically does most childcare. It's not to do with how engaged or involved a parent is. So in your case it sounds like you both do 50/50, and have done since your child was a baby. For many couples, one parent, usually the woman, drops to part time or not working at all in order to do childcare. This is usually because one parent's income is bigger than the other and it makes the most financial sense to do that.

I should make a note not to ever let my man go ! I have been out for the afternoon before and come home to find him in his hands and knees cleaning the bathroom floor. He is a grown man with a job , he can see just as well as I can when something needs to be done.

We earn roughly the same although I have nudged ahead slightly. We never had a discussion about who would do what as I simply assumed he would do his share and he does. I make the babies on my own 🤔 I honesty couldn't fathom how it could be any other way. But equally I didn't even contemplate quoting work or part time.

He also puts washing in when it is needed and cleans the kitchen, washes the cars, vacuums, does bath time, bed time, middle of the night time . Now I am just boasting! God I love him. Although right now he is in Bahrain and so I am holding the fort at home. I know once he is home he will bounce back into his usually awesome self.

Not all women get the house.When I split from my exh me and my 12 yr old dd left with our clothes in bin bags,he had everything else.It was 2 years until he agreed to the house sale.I did work full time when dd turned 4,part-time before that.
If I'd split when dd was 3 I couldn't have moved out.As it was he refused to look after dd to make my working life hard and dd did have to fend for herself younger than I would have liked those I worked to put a roof over our heads.