To wonder why the man always expected to

[pancakesareyum]

Move out when a marriage breaks down?
My friend (who is the wife in this situation) has decided that she no longer loves her husband. They've been stuck in a Rut for a while, no others parties involved. They've been together 20yrs (school sweethearts) have 3 DC age 10 , 7 and 3
Her husband is devastated. She expects him to move out and still fully financially support all of them. She works PT by choice (could work FT). He's now 40 and back in his parents box room.

I know she's my friend and I have to be on her side, but I just wonder how fair this is on her husband, and when I think about it, when a relationship breaks down it always seems to be the man who is expected to move out.

I've NC as outing but am old Mn ... snapped and farted was one of my fav threads!!

You could argue that if 'the stability of the children' is of the utmost importance that she shouldn't kick their father out in the first place

A divorce doesn’t have to equal instability. It’s how the split is handled that counts.

I think some posters on here are using this thread as an opportunity to get at working mothers. Lots of mothers of three young children work full time.

How would spending a week each in the house actually work? Where would mail etc get sent? Or would you just not get it for the week you weren't there? Who's be responsible for cleaning, changing bedding etc? What about personal things? I'd feel like I'd have to pack half my stuff each time I left for the week. Car insurance I'm presuming would need to be notified as cars would be parked overnight somewhere else for weeks at a time, house insurance would also need to be notified.
It would be weird and I'm sure lots of other little things would cause problems too.

muddle Yes they do. Although I thought the most common working pattern for mothers with pre school children statistically was part time work?
I am not getting at mothers or fathers who work full time at all. Both have a responsibility for their children. But both parents working full time with a commute would in most cases mean that they would see their pre school child very briefly before they go to bed. In general they would only see them at the weekend.
Many mothers and fathers have no choice financially. But of those who do, many do choose to balance working with seeing their child more, by opting for part time work, if they can find it.

Lots of mothers of three young children work full time

Absolutely. And the OP’s friend should be looking to increase her hours however that may well not be instantly possible.

@Cornish83 You seem very concerned about your friends husband, maybe you were hoping she’d move out and make room for you? you could just support your friend and her children in this difficult time and realise that the children need a home and security at a time when their lives are changing forever. I’m sure they will all have a lot of adapting to.

Bloody hell, that's a boy of a jump!!! Also surely OP can get her OH to go back to his parents and friends OH can move in with her? Or maybe OP whilst she appreciates it's her friend can see she's being unfair? You do know that sometimes women are wrong......

Only 26% of mothers with a child aged 3-4 work full time. And many of them will have no choice.
Yes I am sure the mother in the OP will now be looking to increase her hours if she can. But being snipy about a mother who chose to work part time when there was no financial need for her to work full time, is pretty nasty.

clairemcnam,
the point is that family life has changed and continues to change since the 1950's and more women are working outside the home than ever before.
The blanket statement
and with 3 children all under secondary school age, then your female friend cannot be expected to work FT'
is simply not true and not a view that courts would support.

I always remember the complete indignation of a poster on here told by the courts that she would need to get a job to support herself. She pointed out that working full time (or even part time) would be impossible for her because she needed an afternoon nap.

Of course this man and other men have a choice about whether they work part time and care for their children 50/50. They don't choose to, because they don't want to take the hit to their career, and that's their choice. If any man is concerned about being involved in caring for his children if his relationship breaks down, the best way to guard against this is to actually be involved before any breakdown happens.

I know and it is nit a view I support. I am referring to OPs sneery statement about her choosing to work part time when she has a 3 year old. And I am saying this is a normal choice. The most common working pattern for mothers with a 3-4 year old is part time. For all the reasons I have already mentioned.

And yes, now things have changed she will need to try and increase her hours. But there was no issue with her choice before.

And yes it is clear she was doing more of the childcare.

mrsmuddlepies Come on that is an extreme situation no one would support. Totally irrelevant to this thread.

I think it is pretty terrifying as a bloke that you could lose your whole family overnight and then be expected to only see your children every other weekend after living with them full time. And I say that as a single mum.

also one of the reasons I would advise against a woman having the husband as the primary caregiver - when the relationship breaks down then he gets the children.

Then those blokes need to step up and actually take on 50% of all the childcare and associated work.
But they largely don't.
You reap what you sow.

Peaches And that is right that he should if he is the primary care giver. It is what is best for the kids, not the parents.

Huh? It's the family home, the children's home. Who is their primary carer - thus needed as live-in support for them?

Who could manage as a single adult in a flat?

You want their mum to move out and live alone? Ok, then their resident, primary-carer dad needs to provide care for them, himself, or by paying for it using funds he earns and the mum is due to pay in child-support. Does that work for you / them OP? Ok, fine. No probs then.

He wants her to go to her parents every other week so he can be the primary care giver and share custody. fair enough to want 50/50 shared care but it should be in each parents house, not parents moving in and out of the same house.

She may have worked pt to enable him to work ft but equally I know many women who have refused to work ft or at all and the man has had to shoulder all financial responsibility.

He should be paying a decent amount of maintenance plus half of school trips/uniforms/haircuts/clothes/whatever. But she really should be working ft to support her family. I went to work ft when I became a single parent-I was already pt-becauce I didn't want to rely on my ex or benefits to support us. If you're able to work ft and you're the sole earner in the house then you should.

It’s becsuse women are expected to compromise careers to look after their children. By and large women sacrifice more to their marriages than men. It seems only fair that the men sacrifice more when the marriage ends.

My friend is expected to move out at his dw's decision having been primary care giver (although moot point because DC is now a teen). He has sacrificed his earning potential to look after dc and support his DW's career. I'm pissed off for him.

marvellous If that is true, then he needs to stay and take legal advice.

Thank you those that have tried to see both sides. I support my friend and always will, I don't think it makes me a bad person to feel a bit sorry for her husband in this situation.

To clarify some points.. I know for a fact that he does a lot of child care, school runs etc as his job isn't 9-5. Friend has told me herself that she doesn't want to work any more hours so yes that was her choice.

I hope they can work things out amicably.

I know, have told him. He needs to summon some righteous anger.

'm just trying to say that it is typical that the man has to move when it's not his choice

Mine didn’t 🙁, we had to move on the end, was/is very difficult for the children to move house and have their family separated

I don't understand this primary caregiver stuff? We both work full time and we both share drop offs and pick ups and sick days. I haven't attended ether of my kids 2 year check At the HV as I had work events I couldn't miss. My DH has ideas for lo presents and shares them with me too discuss, picks up bits of clothes he sees, notices that they need more toothpaste and puts it in the on line shop order, takes them for hair cuts, etc etc. Have I seriously got the only one?????????? Who is the primary care giver?????