Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One of my three teens has stolen a bar of chocolate

258 replies

Member869894 · 17/02/2019 15:45

I know it sounds petty but I feel really upset - I had a big bar of chocolate in my bag to share after lunch an hour ago and now it has vanished. Stout denials all around.

I feel like throwing lunch in the bin.

It really upsets me that one of them would go through my bag and steal from me and then deny it

OP posts:
wanderings · 17/02/2019 21:42

@SonEtLumiere I think you make a very good point. I was one of those who learned as a child that in the face of a parent on the warpath to find a culprit, silence was golden, knowing full well I was guilty, and a huge deal (including smacking) would be made of me owning up; no mitigation to be expected for telling the truth. There are many things I never confessed to, because I was afraid of my parents' reaction. I got into huge spirals of lying and covering things up as a teenager, because of the way my parents reacted. It took me a lot of effort not to cover up mistakes in my adult life.

And, out of interest, if one's handbag is private and sacrosanct, do the children have places they can call their own, which are equally private and sacrosanct? Some parents on MN advocate searching their children's bedrooms, quietly "losing" certain possessions of their children's they don't like (e.g. noisy toys), sticking them in the charity shop while the children's backs are turned, reading children's diaries, lying to children and thinking they won't notice (especially if parents make a big deal of lying), etc.

KindredSpirit1 · 17/02/2019 22:39

My wife and I often are convinced something is where we placed it and ends with a grovelling apology (though that rule seems not to apply to my wife) Are you really, really sure you put it in your bag or not left it in the shop/car/other bag?
A big bar of chocolate is going to make someone feel ill especially in such a short amount of time. Unless you are 100% sure and I mean 100% put it down as a loss. It’s horrible being accused if you are innocent and if you are mistaken, then you are going to feel awful. Next time photograph the chocolate in situ, so you have proof. Kids usually know handbags are sacrosanct and would go for money/cigarettes not a bar of chocolate.

JRMisOdious · 17/02/2019 22:49

My teen lied, deceived, ran away, joined a terrorist organisation and possibly committed and certainly condoned unimaginable atrocities.
My hitherto trustworthy teen took and ate a bar of chocolate without permission.
Posters advocating punishing every child in the house, searching all of the bedrooms, turning off WiFi access to all. Really? Little perspective needed, perhaps? Not ideal behaviour, certainly, but not the crime of the century either.

Express understandable disappointment at breach of trust, ask that it doesn’t happen again, move on.

Asta19 · 17/02/2019 22:51

@HollowTalk

We actually turned the kitchen upside down as it was a favoured baking tray of my (adult) DS Grin He suspected me of throwing it out as I’d thrown out his favourite bowl not long before (bear in mind he was 3 when I bought the bowl and 28 when I finally threw it away!). I was determined to find it just to prove my innocence! But no joy!

Wakk · 18/02/2019 00:27

Turn the WiFi off

winsinbin · 18/02/2019 08:59

This reminds me of my own childhood. My parents were incredibly strict and punishments were draconian. My younger brother and sister ‘stole’ a lot of food and treats because it was the only way to have anything nice (I didn’t do it, not because I was good, but because I was cowed and terrified). They never owned up to it so we would all get punished but it didn’t make a lot of difference as our life was pretty crap anyway. At the time I resented them for it but looking back I can’t blame them and wish I’d had enough spirit to take a few nice things for myself.

I’m not saying that OPs house is a place of fear and terror like my home was, but I would be wondering why they stole it and why they are now lying about it? Are they scared of you OP?

Imperfectsusan · 18/02/2019 11:36

Winsinbin, you are projecting.

Sometimes teens steal or lie because they can, or they want to see what happens when they do. Sometimes for deeper reasons, such as because they are unhappy at school. Or because they don't want to hear the words no, if they ask for it.

You are quite unfair to have suggested that to the OP.

Original poster
Member869894 · 18/02/2019 16:33

wow I've just come back to all these replies which I will r ed through later

Winsinbin that is pretty unfair and wide of the mark

Noone has confessed. I have been in work all day .Tonight I will go home, tell them that I am hugely disappointed that someone went through my bag but that as no one has told me I cant punish them all and move on in the hope it will not happen again.

I fully appreciate that worse things happen at sea - they are normally good kids and are given plenty of freedom - and food!! They are not cowed or frightened of me; they know they are loved and valued. I am trying to teach them kindness and respect and to me stealing a treat that was for us all out of my bag was neither kind nor respectful. They need to know that its not on.

.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 18/02/2019 16:46

Tonight I will go home, tell them that I am hugely disappointed that someone went through my bag but that as no one has told me I cant punish them all and move on in the hope it will not happen again

I think that's completely fair and hopefully the perpetrator will feel guilty enough that nothing like this happens again!

PrismGuile · 18/02/2019 17:19

@JRMisOdious getting away with small crimes sometimes means Children move on to big crimes.... OP is correct to crack down on her children stealing and lying about a bar of chocolate. This way she teaches them that it is wrong and has consequences so that eventually they do not steal a car....

I'm sorry about your child but just because worse actions are taken by some that doesn't mean you should let kids off.

Should we not punish robbery because it's not as bad as GBH?

Sheffmum1 · 18/02/2019 17:36

Jeez- first world problems ,.! There’s people starving in the world.

Asta19 · 18/02/2019 17:37

OP is correct to crack down on her children stealing and lying about a bar of chocolate

That would be fine if she knew who it was! I don't know if people aren't reading this properly or just being deliberately obtuse! No one has confessed. There is nothing to suggest the two innocent parties know who the guilty party is. Would you punish two innocent members of the public for one person committing a robbery, just because they may have been on the same street? Of course not.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 18/02/2019 17:39

Well living in the first world and all that... the issue is trust - someone went rifling through her handbag and stole something - and hasn’t the guts to tell the truth. Whether it’s a bar of chocolate or £100 from your purse - it’s a pretty important lesson for kids isn’t it?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 18/02/2019 17:39

My money is on joint enterprise anyway.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 18/02/2019 17:49

You'll find it somewhere ridiculous in a week or two and have to do some grovelling!

IDoN0tCare · 18/02/2019 17:56

Jeez- first world problems ,.! There’s people starving in the world.

Then, what the guck are you doing, wasting time on here? Shouldn’t you be out trying to help the vulnerable?

IDoN0tCare · 18/02/2019 17:56

Guck = fuck Anally retentive spell check.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/02/2019 18:04

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD

the issue is trust

Yup and that issue will bite her on the arse when the two (possibly three) that didn't steal it decide that they can't trust her.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 18/02/2019 18:05

Can so see why there are so many entitled thieving little shits around these days
They have mothers like some of you !!

stevie69 · 18/02/2019 18:08

Jeez- first world problems ,.! There’s people starving in the world.

Which kinda renders AIBU redundant.

Thanks, it's been fun.

Santaclarita · 18/02/2019 18:10

Can so see why there are so many entitled thieving little shits around these days
They have mothers like some of you !!

This.

'my little pfb would never steal anything, and if they did who cares it was only x'

Not really the point is it? Can I steal your car then? It's only a car, easily replaceable through insurance.

RelaisBlu · 18/02/2019 18:21

Are you absolutely 100% certain that it isn't:

Down the side of the car seat
In the lining of your bag
In a different bag
under the chair you slung your bag on
etc etc - you get my drift

Diverami · 18/02/2019 18:22

I used to have this problem with money. I knew I would be met with denial and bad feeling all around. I used to hide my handbag in different places all the time - and even got a reputation for "losing" it - because I often forgot where I put it. 40 years later my children are find upstanding citizens, and only a year or so ago, one of them admitted to taking money.

M4J4 · 18/02/2019 18:26

puts on pedant hat

First world is a bit derogatory to developing nations, and there are lots of things us in the West are not first in.

MummyofTw0 · 18/02/2019 18:27

OP you sound hangry.

Jokes.

I would be the same, I bloody love chocolate.

Swipe left for the next trending thread