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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate visiting my partners mother??

88 replies

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 09:36

My partner is a serious mummys boy, (he's 36 by the way) on his day off he has to go and see her and his aunt and expects me to go so we can take the children, my youngest who is eighteen weeks old is very clingy and doesn't seem to like being held by them that much and usually screams the house down - there response babies should cry and they won't give her back to me to settle her down!! All she actually wants is mummy or daddy but my partner seems to think that what his mother says is gospel, i find this really hard to deal with and very upsetting, it doesn't help that i am suffering with post natal depression and all he says to that is that it is in my head! We have to go for the day tomorrow and i really don't want to but can't see any way out of it, he has told me in the past that if i don't want to go he'll go with the baby but i don't want to be away from her for a whole day knowing that 90% of the time she will only settle with me. His opinion is that i am being unreasonable, am i???

OP posts:

krispiecakes · 05/07/2007 10:06

i can see both points of view. the pnd will be clouding your judgment on certain things ( i too was a sufferer)including the fact that your baby will only settle with you or your partner. A side effect of my depression was that I became paranoid that my baby only wanted me and I was the only one who could handle him, its only with hindsight that I realise that I was clinging to the baby ? not the other way round.

maybe it would be good for you to allow your partner to take the baby for the day (or you could compromise and he goes for half day?) you get a break and you dont have to deal with the stress of being there. Im sure the baby will be absolutely fine.
Are you getting any treatment for the depression? A lot of men struggle to understand depression, it helped me to take my dh to the doctors with me so he got some information about how to help.

Hope things work out for you. Have you any other children?

HomeintheSun · 05/07/2007 10:09

No you're not being unreasonable and don't let him convince you other wise, have you seen the Dr for your PND? If you let your partners Mum hold her and she becomes upset could you pretend that she needs a nappy change to get her back that way, then take her into a different room to "change her" and you can settle her then. Partners/husbands don't really understand how it feels inside when you can hear your baby cry and just want to comfort them and give reasurance.

jeremyvile · 05/07/2007 10:12

Yanbu.

Go to Docs re PND.

Try to visit his family, but remember you and you alone are that babys mother - do not be bullied.

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 10:21

I have two others a girl aged ten and a boy just about to turn five, these were with my ex husband so the baby is my partners first, no i haven't been to the doctors and yes i know i should i just also know that i was like a zombie last time i was on anti depressents. Maybe i am clinging to her rather than the other way round but i just don't trust him with her, he's totally clueless, gave her a packet of chewing gum, the little tablet form to rattle and the box was open!!! And i will happily leave her with my mum for an hour or so which surely means i can't be that clingy???

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:35

nellie, I agree it's worth going to the doctors about the pnd. You may be able to get an AD that suits you better and helps you.

I sympathise with the thing of his mum taking the baby even when she's crying; my MIL used to do this and I HATED it. Looking back, I think she was thinking that she was being helpful trying to settle the baby 'for me' and also I think it was her way of trying to create a bond with her new grandchild. However, that said I still personally would always offer a crying baby back to mum. You need to deal with this assertively - simply follow her and loudly say "I can't bear it - I'll take her". You're not saying anything against MIL, just that YOU can't bear it. And that's fine, you are a mum!

I also think it's nice that your dp wants to see his mum regularly. Will you like it if your ds comes to you once a week when he has his own children? I know I would!

Also, I would love it if my ds had great respect for what I said etc, as your dp does with his mum. Of course he needs to respect you just as much; I think you need to play it really carefully. My SIL had this - her dh is very protective of his mum and wouldn't hear a word against her. I think you need to word things very carefully with him, and don't overtly be too critical because it sounds as if that will alienate him. If she makes you feel bad then phrase it "I'm sure this was the LAST thing your mum wanted, but I felt....."etc etc.

Perhaps cut the time a bit, if you feel it's too long a day?

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 10:39

Ok but if i add into that the fact that he wants us all to live together, thats his aunt as well as his mum as they live together now i think i'd rather shoot myself, she always puts me down in front of my other half and makes out i am a bad mother, (i may not be perfect but i'm not a bad mother) she doesn't agree with one single thing that i say and when he rings her every morning from home she lays the guilt trip on him cos all she wants is him to move in there with her.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:50

Has it been like this ever since you got together with this man? She sounds awful.

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 10:56

Yes she has always been like that with him and vice versa but i honestly thought he would change when we had amelia, however if anything they have got worse, i do love him but i can't see how this relationship can last. Christmas will be a nightmare he won't consider spending christmas day antwhere other than at his mums, i always have lunch with my mum as she is all alone, as a compromise i spoke to my mum and offered for all of them to eat at my mums all together, i was told no way and he would be going to his mums with amelia and would leave the rest of us with my mum, for her very first christmas - NOT A CHANCE!!

OP posts:

muppetgirl · 05/07/2007 10:57

This sounds like there is much more to the past that has begun to influence the present...
I had pnd and a history with my mil, she did interfere, booking ds into a sleep clinic in Manchester (we lived in Hungerford!!!) without asking me, constantly phoning to tell me she missed dg and often started crying...

I admit I was clouded partly by what had happened in the past but also I wasn't on ad and I now know this did cloud my judgement. I too hate going to stay and, in fact, dh has to go 'up north' this weekend and I asked if he would like to take our ds -now 3- with him, stay the night and come back the next day. I'm not going as I would find it too stressful (especially as she disagrees with how we chose to discipline our ds in front of us, 'Don't give him that fork....isn't daddy stupid?'
as this seems the only comprimise that keeps us all calm.

I have chosen to stay at home and have phoned her to say I'm too tired and need a night to myself (I'm 22 weeks pg) this, I feel is a fair comprimise, I don't get as stressed, they see dg and dh seems happy.

I know you don't want to leave your dc with your mil -but you will with your mum....so it's not about leaving your dc. Suggest a half day (as was suggested) as you then don't have to listen to criticism about your parenting, your dh is happy seeing his mother and you get some rest.

Re the ad -I was on 3 before I found the one that worked for me, Don't be afraid to go back to your doctor if they don't do what you want them to.

ConnorTraceptive · 05/07/2007 11:00

tell him "of course it's in my head it's a mental illness you moron"

deffo go to doctors there are so many different types of ad's so you can try something else that will hopefully suit you.

smallwhitecat · 05/07/2007 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 11:03

mm and any of you any ideas for christmas i honestly thought i was offering a good compromise all of us together.

OP posts:

ConnorTraceptive · 05/07/2007 11:05

in that case take his mum aside and ask her very nicely if your mum can join you on christmas day a s you feel it is so important for grandparents to share the day and you would hate to either side to miss out

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 11:06

To smallwhitecat, i've tried i was told tough my mum sees her all the time, this is due to the fact that she works two minutes away from where i live so comes round to help with cleaning and ironing etc as she knows how down i am

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 11:06

Well, this isn't your fault; but you cannot be surprised or shocked that you are having to deal with this issue. You have had a child with him knowing these issues were present, so have put yourself in the position of needing to deal with this.

I think you need to be making it clear that he needs to make you feel valued as his partner just as he obviously does his mum. Letting her put you down in front of him - tell him you won't accept that any longer. But I don't think from what you've said that he is going to change his close family relationships.

You are very unlikely to get anywhere with him by forcing a 'me or her' situation. I think you need to be a bit cleverer than that with this sort of situation.

What is it you love about him? Is he a good dad?

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 11:07

oh, and agree - invite everyone to yours for christmas if you can.

Also, might be worth not fighting battles that aren't actually in your face yet - plenty of time till christmas

smallwhitecat · 05/07/2007 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 11:13

Why do i love him? I don't actually know, he isn't a great dad though not an awful one either, he is at work sixteen hours a day and won't believe that i have pnd or that it even exists but i still occasionally see the person that i fell for and remember the way he used to make me feel and how he always made me laugh and the way i got butterflies when i saw him and whilst all that might not be happening now i don't know how much of it to put down to the pnd. As for knowing what it was like beforehand i agree that maybe i should have known better and not had a child with him but i genuinely thought he would give us more time then and that even if i wasn't more important that his dd would be, i was wrong his mother comes before his dd too.

OP posts:

ConnorTraceptive · 05/07/2007 11:19

you really do need to work on the pnd hon before dealing with all these issues, my judgement was so clouded when i had it I saw situations that weren't really there

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 11:23

One doctors appointment coming up then, having just spent two weeks in hospital with my nearly five year old i'm sick of the sight of doctors though!!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 11:25

It sounds to me like you've got an awful lot of communicating to do with this man! To not believe that PND even exists???

you have had his baby and you deserve more support than that!

From reading all your posts though I think his behaviours and thought patterns are really in-grained. I just think you will get nowhere with him by getting angry or issuing ultimatums, it will just get worse - you unfortunately need to be educating him as to what's required in an adult relationship!

If this were me I'd have a plan to do two things; get to the dr and see if you can be helped with AD's and or counselling; and set yourself a time limit, say six months or whatever you're comfortable with, to discuss all these issues with him and see some positive changes. Tell him you are not happy with things as they are and that you want things to improve over the next six months, and go from there.

I do wish you lots of luck - do go to the dr! I'm sure you could be feeling better than you are.

krispiecakes · 05/07/2007 11:28

there's numerous different issues here. relationships are rarely likely to change for the better after having children, there's just more pressure and resentment than before. The PND wont be helping because you can only see your point of view, it does make you feel as if everyone and everything is against you.
Get help for the depression and maybe some relationship councelling will help your partner understand how difficult you find his/your relationship with his mum.
As for christmas, its more than fair that you all spend it together, including your mum. Compromises are rarely reached with screaming arguments though - you need to explain calmly why it would be beneficial for everyone to all be together.
I think christmas is an issue for almost everyone though - youre not on your own there!!

ConnorTraceptive · 05/07/2007 11:28

good girl. If you do go back on the ad's make sure you see your doctor every two weeks for the first couple of months so you can get the dose tweaked or change the ad's if they aren't suiting you.

Original poster

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 11:34

I will do and thank you was a bit worried cos no one likes to admit that their life isn't perfect but feel a bit better now.

OP posts:

amen · 05/07/2007 12:03

i think you are being unreasonable.you don't want to let the grandmother see the child and as far as your husband will be concerned (wether your intention or not) you don't trust him to mind the baby alone.

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