to hate visiting my partners mother??

[nellie75]

My partner is a serious mummys boy, (he's 36 by the way) on his day off he has to go and see her and his aunt and expects me to go so we can take the children, my youngest who is eighteen weeks old is very clingy and doesn't seem to like being held by them that much and usually screams the house down - there response babies should cry and they won't give her back to me to settle her down!! All she actually wants is mummy or daddy but my partner seems to think that what his mother says is gospel, i find this really hard to deal with and very upsetting, it doesn't help that i am suffering with post natal depression and all he says to that is that it is in my head! We have to go for the day tomorrow and i really don't want to but can't see any way out of it, he has told me in the past that if i don't want to go he'll go with the baby but i don't want to be away from her for a whole day knowing that 90% of the time she will only settle with me. His opinion is that i am being unreasonable, am i???

"The main issue the OP has, is that she doesn't want to go visiting her MIL because she's rather interfering!"
no because by her own admission she won't let the father take the child alone without her.she doesn't have to go.and surely a thread where parents are disagreeing and the woman believes she has the right to make the final decision based on the fact that she is the mother is exactly the place to discuss parental rights.
i mean it seems a fairly clear issue to me.
mother:allowed to leave child with her mother alone and also wants the right to stop fathers mother seeing the child.
father: not allowed to even bring the child to his mother in his company(not even leaving her alone) but the mother is allowed leave the child alone with her mother and any attempt to ban this would not be acceptable.
and this is acceptable to her because she believes it is her baby and only partly his.how is this not a fathers right issue.
i agree if she has pnd she should get this sorted out, but that does not change the fact that she is trying to deny the father parental rights.

amen, if your partner was threatening to remove your child from your custody, would you not be rather anxious about leaving said child in their custody?

If you knew that your partner didn't have much of a clue about looking after your child, would you again let them take that child out for a whole day without you?

If you had PND and felt rather irrational about things, would you not also act a little irrationally?

etcetera etcetera.

i have taken all the facts into consideration. what you seem to have done krispie is take one fact into, the pnd, and decided that it makes all other facts irrelevant and excuses all actions including starting this thread asking a question which may illicit answers that are not entirely positive.
what facts have i over looked?her pnd? i have said she needs to get that sorted but i do not think it excuses the way she is treating the father of her child.
the fact that he threatened to steal the child? it doesn't seem to be the reason to not let hi take her to the mothers.as she says she has encouraged him to take the child out alone and it would be just as easy to take her then,so it is purely a mil issue.

"If you had PND and felt rather irrational about things, would you not also act a little irrationally?"

well yes of course.but i would not expect support and justifications for my actions if i sked people "am i being unreasonable". i would get help,get treatment and try to recognise my irrational behaviour when i could.
lets say for example i had an irrational fear/jealousy about my partner going to a nightclub alone/with girlfriends.what should i do?
should i refuse to let her go and expect that to be ok because i was being irrational?or recognising my irrationality should i allow her to go and trust her.

no, if you read my posts ive actually said that she may well be being unreasonable but until she sorts out the pnd she wont be able to realise that because her judgement will be clouded. what you did was ignore the pnd and use her op to get on your high horse about fathers rights!

i am going to get help from my gp but and this is a big but if my other half would recognise and support pnd it might make life a little easier

Nellie it would make your life SO much easier if your partner would recognise it.

Don't feel ashamed about not wanting to let your Daughter go anywhere without you. It's a perfectly natural motherly instinct. Not necessarily the greatest of the instincts we are bestowed with, but one just the same!

I think perhaps because there are deeper, more underlying issues with the relationship you have with your DP, perhaps you could focus on them first.

My dd is 16 weeks old and the thought of leaving her in someone else's care makes me feel sick. I don't have PND, I feel that it is a totally normal reaction, and my dh understands that (he understands that fathers and mothers have equal but different roles - can you cope with that concept Amen???)

Trust isn't the issue for me, my MIL is thankfully lovely but I still wouldn't leave my dd with her yet. I know I won't feel like this forever and we have years ahead of us for MIL to have dd all to herself. My dd isn't ready for that to happen yet (she'd be bloody hungry for one thing!) and neither am I.

Nellie, YANBU at all. Your dp needs to build his relationship with your dd before he can take her out on his own. Any other way is unfair on your dd who will be scared without her mother otherwise.

totally. nellie - get your dp some info re pnd. hopefully, once he understands, he shouldnt force you into situations where you feel stressed and vunerable (ie at your mil's) all the best with everything x

"no, if you read my posts ive actually said that she may well be being unreasonable but until she sorts out the pnd she wont be able to realise that because her judgement will be clouded."
if we're saying exactly the same thing why does it look like we're arguing?
i agree she needs help. i imagined the reason she asked the question in the first place was because her judgement was clouded so she wanted honest opinion.i'm sure she knows she needs to sort out here pnd herself so i don't think there is much point telling her something she already knows. what she did not know about was wether or not she was acting unreasonably towards her husband so i gave my opinons. i am not forcing her to accept them i am merely putting them out there. she can accetp them,disagree with them or ignore them completely.
on the issue of him being useless with the child can i ask if you might be exagerating this? not trying to put you down or anything but i see this with a lot of women.if the child gets a bump or a bruise on mummys time or something goes wrong it is an accident or just a little bump, but if something goes wrong on dads time it is due to negligence and any infractions will be remembered and used against dad for a long time,.

"he understands that fathers and mothers have equal but different roles - can you cope with that concept Amen"

and thats great for you and your dp.but as you said it is a concept not a rule. anyway my point is not about roles, it is clear they have different roles.my point is about decision making and responsibility it has nothing to do with roles.what happens between you and your dp if you have a disagreement over parenting technique? do you just ignore what he wants and make the decisions yourself knowing full well you would not accept such restrictions if they were imposed on you?do you think you have the right to deny your dp alone time with your child that you expect because in nellies own words it is her child much more than it is his (now really do any of you think that is not unreasonable). so as you can see my point is not about roles and neither is this thread.the father in this thread did not want to change the roles of the family.he wanted to make a decision regarding his daughter,the mother disagreed and feels that her disagreement is the end of the matter because she is the mother and he is only the father.

Hi Nellie I hope u get this all sorted, and feel better in yourself soon. I too have a mummys boy for a hubbie and my MIL is pure poison so i feel for u. Ignore Amen he has no idea.

thats it munchiesmama, way to poke holes in my arguments.